One thing that makes true New England fans stand out is not so much that we are generally despised (even by self-hating nutmeggers), but more so that we loathe everyone else just as much. We are a mean, competitive bunch - we wiped out an entire indigenous people immediately after they taught us to survive the shitty ass weather. Native Americans thought we should live as one with nature in a sustainable manner? Eff that. We chopped down all the trees, reproduced beyond capacity, and spent our time alternately praising God and burning witches (we were out of wood). This is all leading up to describe how I take immense pleasure not in reading New England victory coverage, but the losing opponents' sports coverage. But then something interesting happened. I was mightily impressed by the stiff upper lip of the Indians' Ryan Garko, who in the midst of one of the biggest letdowns of his professional career, took time to blog about it. Garko was one of the few who seemed to keep perspective while showing obvious disappointment, but ultimately convinced of his team's resilience and future prospects. Tony Robbins, thy name is Ryan Garko... but still technically Tony Robbins. Anyway.

What the sports world desperately lacks is the motivational voices that speak from experience, eliciting the best performances from young players. Fortunately, All American Speakers has that covered. For the right price and geographic location, you can get your very own Hall of Famer to come and talk about stuff. (Think of it like what MTV does with former Real World cast members who had their moment and now go around to colleges talking about youth issues; except none have gone into softcore porn. Well, besides Mattingly's 'stache).

So who can All American Speakers make available to you for your motivational needs? Note: Actual pictures from the website.


Marvin Lewis knows there's always something to learn, even from a loss. Actually, especially from a loss. There's probably fewer people on here who could tell you more about what's to be learned from losing. The coolest part is how he goes back in time and wears a basketball jersey. It really makes the presentation that much more dynamic.


A young Marvin Lewis not connecting with your youth? Why not try the young Jake Delhomme? He at least stays in proper uniform and is much less threatening with his all-american white boy quarterback persona. At least to racist folks he is. But maybe that's why you want to book him. Good for you. "Minds are like parachutes - they only function when they're open" is what my Uncle Rusty likes to say. He also says basketball players are "carjackers in shorts." If a young Jake Delhomme is unavailable due to injury and the prospect of inviting David Carr is too frightening (and it is), a youthful Vinny Testverde can be bought. He looks like a baby. A cute, fifty year old baby.



Perhaps your function is looking for an insider perspective. Who better than two of the most recognizable names in sports? Rich Eisen and Ron "Jaws" Jaworski can be yours for the cool price of $20-$30K for Eisen, and a bargain price of $10-20K for Jaws. It is not on the website, but I hear you can order the "Theismann Special", where Jaworski comes to your job and replaces you.



While other football greats are offered, from the likes of the real Rudy, to Sean Alexander (who discusses proper dress for toga parties), the biggest surprise may be Andy Reid. We'll be honest. This picture doesn't look like Andy Reid. But then we wonder, perhaps through the magic of the internets or photoshop, maybe this is what he sees when he looks in the mirror. I tend to think his presentation won't focus so much on self image as it will on nutruition. "You are What You Eat" with Andy Reid. And right now, Andy Reid is that guy.

The crown jewel of the NFL collection is of course Michael Irvin. Irvin is in here twice, which at first seems like a mistake and a typo. But then I realized that it's more of a choice: you can pay $30-50K for the regular professionally incoherent NFL Hall of Famer, OR you can select the flamboyant and "recreationally incoherent" Irvin (alter ego Micahel) for the undisclosed price of whatever crystal meth and black market weapons go for.

Lastly, we have a nice feature which surely is where All American Speakers out-hustles the rest of the speakers competition. In what looks like a From Beyond the Grave series, we see Red Auerbach is still accepting speaking engagements. And you know what? With Halloween approaching, this might be the best way to spice up that holiday party - contact those who have passed into the afterlife, and also get an idea of what Auerbach thinks of the KG trade. Spoooooooky.

-posted by the chief