Entry 10: The Joy of Cooking

I almost forgot about this story. Before the holidays our building had a little reception for us in the atrium. Cakes, coffee, etc.

Some company was there selling various books marked down half price. Guess what book D.M. loosened up the purse strings for? Yep, a cookbook.

I had to interrogate. "Learning to cook I see."

Response: "Hell yeah, this ordering out twice a day gets expensive."

Twice?? I thought to myself.

After the shock disappeared I tried to break it down. You can't really order breakfast if you work full time and have to leave for work at 7, so that can't be it.

We all know by now her love for the dining facilities at work. So that leaves dinner. Understandable.

But twice? How in the world is that possible? Perhaps she confused the childhood game 4 Squares with her dietary habits.

How do you sneak in another order after dinner? And why am I still shocked by these discoveries?

Want to know what's wrong with our healthcare system? It's that the rich and famous get special attention that the average Joe is not afforded. Ask Favre.

Kevin Garnett can only worry about what's going on in Beantown... and of course Craig Sager's fashion sense.

...or just fodder for a new Cole Hamel Fact?

Philly.com: Hamels to head home, help fire victims

Take that, Chuck Norris, and you too, Jack Bauer.

Joe Beningo, who (personally) I find slightly more palatable in the mid-days on WFAN than the two knuckleheads that come in after him (Chris and Fat Mike), as pointed out by The Sports Hernia, shares a striking resemblance with a certain shady Seinfeld character.

Says the Hernia: "The Beningo gospel needs to be spread. I will never get over this guy."

It's no secret that the media has a love jones for the greatest American hero Brett Favre. In the wake of last night's loss to Dallas, HHR suggests a new nickname for #4.

"The Old Arm Slinger"

Five more minutes in Lexington? I think I'd rather leave now.

Earlier this week, Orlando "Tubby" Smith came thisclose to being the first coach in college basketball history to lose two games on the same night for two different teams.

On Tuesday night, Tubby's current team, the Minnesota Gophers, lost to the Florida State 75-61 in the Big Ten/ACC Challenge.

Simultaneously, Tubby's former team, the Kentucky Wildcats, survived a scare from lowly Stony Brook, edging past the pesky Seahawks 62-52 at Rupp Arena.

You see, it's all Tubby's fault that UK is a mess right now. Through his lack of recruiting and inability to win consistently over his ten years in Lexington, Tubby almost single-handedly destroyed the once-storied legacy of Kentucky basketball.

Earlier this year, it was "Tubby's Fault!" the Cats lost to Gardner Webb. Saturday, it most likely will be "Tubby's Fault!" if the UNC Tarheels crush UK, as expected.

Shockingly, new UK coach Billy Gillispie has come under relatively little scrutiny for a man in his position. Some might view this as the fans just enjoying their honeymoon with him - but that wouldn't be right, because far too many of them are still kicking and screaming about a good man and coach who they ran out of town.

So while Tubby missed out on the all too rare daily losing double in college basketball this week, we're sure his former team with give him many more chances at accomplishing that feat this season.

Entry 9: Who you calling a Dum Dum?

Has anyone ever brought two Dannon yogurts to lunch with them? I know someone just that did today...along with her cookies, ham, cheese & mayo deluxe, and diet (??) Snapple.

As i strolled past her cubicle later in the day i noticed a distinct smell of butterscotch.

I ask, "What is that?"

Her response, "Yeah, that's me," as she pulls a large butterscotch lollipop out of her mouth...the weekend can't come soon enough.

Click Here for Previous Entries.

Welcome back everyone to another addition of Suddenly Suzyn. Or as I like to refer to it 'here comes Suze with the Yankee news you can use." Like it? I am trying out new catchphrases for next season. I've narrowed it down to that or Suzy Shootin Shit. Let me know what you think.

I hope all my readers had a fantastic Thanksgiving. I know I certainly did. It's not every day I get to kick back, unloosen the belt on my Fashion Bug slacks, and gorge myself on turkey and all the fixings. Feasts like this only come around on Thanksgiving, during Chanakau, on road trips, sunday night all you can eats, and whenever my co-host John Sterling picks up the tab. (I am kidding Johnny, you know I love you. Maybe I could talk a little more this season? No? Ok, well I'll let you think about it over the winter.)

I'd like to discuss the rumblings regarding the Yankees and their pursuit of Minnesota Twins pitcher Johan Santana. Now, being a Yankee broadcaster, I would be the last to criticize any of the moves of the front office, coaching staff, players, concession stand managers or parking lot attendants. That's just not how we do things here in the boogie down Bronx (my nephew taught me that phrase. Isn't that adorable?) But in my heart of hearts I don't think this is a smart move for the Yankees.

My main issue with the Santana deal is that he is much too young. He will be 29 in March. That's just not enough major league experience for my liking. We need someone older and more sturdy. Someone, nearing their forties with one good year left in the tank. Didn't Joe Girardi say at this first press conference that he will except nothing less than winning the World Series this season? Then wouldn't the team benefit from a pitcher saving his best for last then someone who might be good for the next four or five seasons. Forget the future, win now!

And let's look at the free agent pool. When names like Clemens, Pettitte, Wells, Weaver, and Lieber are available, you shouldn't have to think twice to sign anyone of those former Yankee aces. Hell we could sign them all and have the 2003 staff all over again. I don't mean to curse but I just don't know how we can let proven pinstripers like that pass us by. Maybe they will be mid-season signings and they can announce them one by one from Hank Steinbrenners box. OH MY GOODNESS (get a hold of yourself Suze. You're not Walter Kronkite but you are a journalist. Excuse me 'journal-woman.' )

I think the smart move would be to let Santana sign with the Red Sox. Think about all the pitchers they will have. Santana, Beckett, Dice-K, Schilling, Lester, Buckholz, Wakefield. That's too many. THEY WILL NEVER KNOW WHO TO START! Oh god, sometimes I am just so devilish, I can't help it.

Well, that's all for this week. I am trying to set up an interview with GM Brian Cashman, but I just can't get his timing down and he is never in the men's room when I check.

Toodles,
Suzyn Waldman

(Not that there's anything wrong with that).

(BravoTV.com)

On last night's Project Runway, the budding fashion designers were tasked with designing an outfit for none other than ex-NY Giant and Today Show Correspondent, Tiki Barber.

Being the "challenge" on Project Runway is akin to being the "featured food item" on Biggest Loser... it's all about product placement.

I guess Tiki's down-graded reputation forced him to seek comfort and new fans in the arms of Kathy Griffin's favorite constituency. Tiki, just watch who's toes you step on with this new campaign for gay fans... Kathy will take you down if need be.

Read this interview in SI with Michael "Spider" Imperioli:

Q&A: Michael Imperioli

Aside from being shocked that he is 41, I was highly impressed and amsused.

Particularly liked this quote:

"In acting, everything is OK. If it's all right that I put someone's head through a window, than I guess it's OK to wear a Met uniform."

That's called a professional, Ben Affleck. Mumbling, stuttering, little f*ck.



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Update!

Painting compliments of Harvey_Bars at Yardbarker and Tirico Suave.

"Look at this. It's beautiful. One dog goes one way and the other goes the other. One's facing east, the other west. He's saying, 'Whaddya want from me?'"

Message from Mike Garrett about the Coliseum / USC Athletics

November 28, 2007

Dear Fellow Alumni:

It gives me no pleasure to write a letter of this kind, but there are issues facing our university which you need to understand. The University of Southern California has been negotiating diligently for months, trying to renew USC's lease with the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, and trying to get guarantees that USC's football team and fans can enjoy home games in a completely renovated and improved stadium.

Unfortunately, talks are at an impasse, and right now we have no lease for the Coliseum next year. As a precaution, USC has negotiated a lease with the Rose Bowl to ensure that we have an acceptable stadium in which to play our home football games for the foreseeable future. But this arrangement is not what we want. We want our football program to remain at the Coliseum. And we want the Coliseum Commission-our "landlords" who manage the stadium-to begin the long overdue rehabilitation of the Coliseum.

You all know the many things which need attention:

1. Complete replacement of concession facilities to afford modern food and beverage services like those offered at all major stadiums.

2. Replacement of, and additions to, the currently inadequate restroom facilities.

3. All new, state-of-the-art video and score boards.

4. Replacement of the grossly inadequate sound system.

5. Improved access through renovated and replaced stairs, elevators and escalators.

6. Repair of crumbling concrete stairs, walkways and infrastructure.

7. Replacement of all seats.

8. Reconfiguration of entry gates in order to move fans in and out of the stadium safely and efficiently.

This is not just about people's comfort and enjoyment; it's about the long-term viability of the structure. It's old and worn out. And it is not being used to its fullest potential by the wider community.

USC has been waiting-I believe patiently-ten years for the Commission to do this, but they have not taken the necessary steps, and they will not promise to do so anytime soon. For a decade the nine-member Coliseum Commission has hoped to attract an NFL franchise to the stadium. Their plan has been that the NFL would pay for renovations. There was a clear message from the NFL last summer stating that "notwithstanding all of our best efforts to identify a mutually acceptable solution, we have determined that the Coliseum renovation project, as currently contemplated, would create significant economic risks for the NFL such that we are not prepared to move forward with the project at this time."

The Coliseum Commission asked USC to submit a proposal. So we did. We made to them what I think is an amazing offer. USC offered to spend $100 million to repair and improve the stadium on a ten-year plan, phasing in renovations each year. In return, we requested a master lease that would allow us to play football in the Coliseum for many years. We asked to participate in making decisions regarding the Coliseum and to be given opportunities that would allow us to offset our outlay of money by controlling more of the stadium's revenues. And we'd help make sure the Coliseum has a full life all year round, with entertainment and sporting events, both large and small, not just the six home games for the USC football team.

But the Coliseum Commission rejected our offer.

Our team deserves a great stadium. So do our fans. So do the people of Los Angeles.

The Coliseum Commission is made up of representatives from the city, the county, and the state. They need to know how you feel about this. I believe that our voices will be heard if we work through our elected officials. I urge you to e-mail, fax, or phone the appropriate official asking them to:

1. Let USC direct and fund the Coliseum's refurbishment in partnership with the city, the county, and the state.

2. Let USC, in collaboration with the Coliseum Commission, determine and perform vital repairs while ensuring steady income to offset expenses and upkeep.

3. Let USC be more than a tenant. (USC already brings in 60 percent of the Commission's revenue and that has been the only steady tenant for 80 years! ) We seek to be a key player in the preservation and enhancement of this great civic treasure and historic landmark. Remind them that for 80 years USC has stayed while other teams have gone, and that our home games spark spending in the neighborhood each fall to the tune of approximately $5 million. And that, in total, USC contributes $4 billion to the local economy each year.

If you'd like to join me in taking action, click here for the names of the people to contact.

Your support and commitment to the University of Southern California is invaluable. Together, let's continue to work hard to keep the USC football program in our beloved Coliseum.

Thank you for caring about this issue and for expressing your concerns.

Sincerely,

Michael L. Garrett '67
Director of Athletics
University of Southern California

--

Thanks to reader and contributer Woody for the heads-up.

As the stars of NASCAR gallavant around New York City this week, I thought I'd take a minute to do a Best & Worst recap of the past season.

Best Finish: Kevin Harvick vs. Mark Martin (Daytona 500) - While there were some great battles and close finishes, nothing seemed to have quite the excitement of the season opener this year. Only thing that could have been better would have been if the pereninal bridesmaid finally won.

Best Team: Hendrick Motorsports - Hands down, no questions asked, no debate or explanation needed. Period!

Worst Team: Dale Earnhardt Inc. - Even though DEI put Truex into the Chase field, and had some dominant cars throughout races, the team really suffered this year. The new partnership with RCR on the GM R07 engine seemed to be a losing battle all year. To make matters worse, losing their #1 driver and biggest name in the sport did not help to make matters any better.

Best Fight: Harvick vs. Montoya (Watkins Glen) - It was only a matter of time till these two hotheads came to blows, and Watkins Glen proved to be the perfect stage. It was kinda silly, though, that despite their bad boy images, they both kept their helmets on during the minor frakus.

Most Boring Race: To be honest, there were several that would normally qualify for this category. The new COT seemed to provide for some pretty un-interesting racing this season. But I think the top billing would go to both races at Bristol. Under the lights, Bristol used to be some of the best racing on the circuit. The COT seemed to dramatically reduce the passing, bumping, and quality racing that gave Bristol the nickname, "Thunder Valley".

Best In-Race Quote: "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - With his car dialed in at one of his favorite tracks, Tony Stewart was heard calling over the radio "here kitty, kitty" as he chased down Kevin Harvick to take the victory at the Brickyard. When Smoke's in his element, he can provide some great entertainment.

Biggest Upset Win: Jamie McMurray (Pepsi 400) - The atypical surfer-boy type racer, Jamie's never made much noise on the Cup level, especially since moving to Roush. He just happened to be in the right place at the right time, and came home with a much needed victory on one of the most famous tracks on the circuit.

Biggest Disappointment: Dale Jarrett - Watching a former Cup champion struggle to even qualify week-in and week-out was painful. While his performance was waning in recent years, I don't think anyone wanted to see Jarrett crash and burn with Waltrip's Toyota team like he did.

Biggest Surprise: Clint Bowyer - Having never won a NASCAR Nextel Cup race, Bowyer was a surprise to even make the Chase. Then he really surprised everyone by dominating the field at New Hampshire, and getting his first ever victory at the first Chase event.

Worst Luck: Dale Earnhardt Jr. - In his final year with DEI, Jr couldn't catch a break to save his season. From busted valve-springs to dismembered tires, June-bug seemed to catch the worst of luck this past season. (Editor's note: you still cannot convince me there wasn't some tom-foolery going on in Garage-Mahal).

Best part of TV Broadcast: New ESPN Tech Center. The Ford cut-away car used by Fox was good, but it didn't hold a candle to ESPN's car. They used it far more, and the information was much clearer and more in-depth.

Worst part of TV Broadcast: Pre-Race. First, the races are starting too late. I know the whole song and dance about TV ratings and the West Coast, but frankly I don't care, and I think it's doing more to hurt rather than help the sport. Second, the pre-race show has become way to elaborate. It's almost an hour of talk, music, and fancy montages. Cut it all! Give me five minute update of what's happened in the week, then drop the green flag.

And that concludes the 2007 season, y'all come back now, hear?

- Rusty

JC Chasez, Robert Guillaume and Officer Barbrady wants you to just move along you looky loo's. It's time for the Power Rankings.



Click here for a version bigger than Bill Maas' hands.

As always, thanks to Awful Announcing for the heads-up on NCAA broadcaster scheduling.

Apparently the studios were not yet ready to make another gay Cowboy movie since Tony Romo is still in the onset of his career. Famously gay Cowboy Jake Gyllenhaal has been commissioned to play Broadway Joe Namath in a movie about the Hall of Fame Jet's life.

Might we suggest, Ernie Keebler playing the role of Suzy Kolber?

I wish I could kiss you. No quit you. No kiss you. No Quit you... No...

Entry 8: French Fries

Listen to this logic. Today at lunch, D.M. had her standard Manwich, chips, fries, and diet beverage. While chomping down on a fistful o'fries, she barks,"It's about time someone at this place learned how to make some good fries! Does anyone want my chips? I'm getting more fries."

I respond, "More Fries?"

D.M. quickly retorts, "Well i know they are going to suck again tomorrow."

Does anyone out there eat double today because they fear the food will be bad tomorrow?

Oh, and no one took her chips, they were later spotted in the garbage at her cube.

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Click here for previous entries

The Philly Inquirer's Ashley Fox was on WIP's Morning Show this morning. The initial part of the conversation I heard was regarding, what else, the McNabb-Feeley "controversy" which is, of course, all the talk in Philadelphia this week.

As I've said before, I am not a McNabb or Reid hater, but there comes a time when apologists like Eskin just need to step back and listen to not only the rhetoric they, as talking heads, are spewing, but those of the players themselves.

For most of the year, McNabb and Reid have both admitted that, while Donovan is clearly the best quarterback on the team, it will take time for him to recover fully from his injury last season. Going so far as to classify him as playing at 80%. Someone, I believe it was the Cuz on WIP had asked the Eskin would you rather have McNabb start or the Eagles make the playoffs?

From a fans perspective to a T I think they would go with the latter. While the team this year may not go deep into the playoffs, the fans deserve the respect of knowing that the organization is committed to putting forth the highest quality product that they can, measured by nothing more or less than wins and losses.

Feeley is not the answer. But, at this point it seems McNabb's effectiveness as a leader has passed its prime.

I made the following observation on the team following my trip to the Eagles/Bears game:

1. The current receiving corp is much better than the days of Charles Johnson, Torrence Small, Pinkston and Thrash. Particularly with the latter two, fans are torn between two things - first, wondering how we could win with them but not with the current crop; and second, if the receivers are the problem, why is it continually not addressed? Which brings us to...

2. If for the sake of argument the receiving corp is better, the issue is that the quarterback is not the same player that could elevate those around him and make the system work. Bringing us to...

3. The system. The coach built the system around #5. If #5 is not the same player he was even 3 years ago, the system is not going to work the way it did 3 years ago.

At the begining of this post I mentioned that it is time for people to step back and listen to what the players are saying. Cataldi and Fox pointed to the following quotes, all of which tell the direction which this team is heading.

"I'm definitely not the whole reason why we lost these games. Can I help? Yes, I can. But I'm not fully to blame for everything that goes on around here. I can help, but I'm not that main solution. I'm a piece of the puzzle, and when the puzzle's put together, then we'll have success." -Donovan McNabb, Associated Press / November 8, 2007

"The feeling's not bittersweet, it's just bitter. To come up short like that, personally I take it on my back." -AJ Feeley, Worcester Telegram & Gazette / November 26, 2007

“This isn’t his [Feeley's] fault That’s what a leader does. He takes criticism and puts the game on his shoulders. That’s what he did. ‘I lost the game.’ He played a heck of a football game. I’d play with him any day of the week." -Sheldon Brown, NYT / November 27, 2007

“I don't know why. It's just my opinion. Everybody ups their game (when a backup quarterback plays), and they feel like they need to be the guy, the leader. When you are used to seeing the starter make such magnificent plays, you really don't feel you have to play that A-plus game. That's just what it looks like to me. We all feel like we have to pick our level of play up and fight for that guy because he's getting an opportunity back there to be the guy and we're not going to let him be the fall guy.” -Sheldon Brown, phillyBurbs.com / November 28, 2007

No one denies the contributions McNabb has made to this team, the fan base and the city as a whole. But it is equally hard to deny the past few injury-plagued seasons and the impact the "inferior" backups have had on this team, and the way their teammates have responded, not only the last two years, but going back to the tandem of Neck Beard & Feeley in '02.

Feeley accepting the blame, and McNabb diffusing it speaks volumes.

Loyalty is a two-way street. If your franchise player is playing below his capability, playing admittedly at less than 100%, and more importantly not winning games or taking upon his shoulders the responsibility of leading his squad (and city), that isn't very loyal to the die-hards.

... Or something like that.

Ok kids, it's a big night for reality TV. We got a huge Biggest Loser, as well as the final finale for DWTS. I think NBC and ABC are in cahoots to keep viewers for both shows. NBC has its usual 2-hour, 8-10pm timeslot for loser, while ABC smartly decided to air the DWTS finale between 9-11pm. Makes my life a whole lot easier, that I know. I only have to flip back and forth for 60 minutes, not too shabby considering the alternative.

Hour 1 - Biggest Loser

The losers learn that America got to choose their challenge from their favorite challenges on season's past. Good job America (cough NBC producers, cough), you picked the one challenge that doesn't have to do with exercise. The losers were challenged to hang on a pole suspended above a pool of water, with only a slight edge for their feet to grip to. This challenge was introduced in season two where Andrea literally hung in there for like an hour or something crazy.

Not sure the length of time that elapsed, but I think this crop of losers was mentally weaker than the previous set who dared this test of strength. In the end Bill was the last loser standing and won a week's vacation for himself and his family. Some of the comments from the girls who lost were "I am sick of Bill winning everything," and "Bill isn't even fat anymore..." Hmm... isn't that the freaking point? Ladies, stop making excuses and work your a$$ off to win this thing!

(oooh a commerical for a new reality series "Clash of the Choirs," Ren rolls his eyes hoping I don't make him watch that one too...)

After the challenge, the losers decide to take a swim because hey, why not. Well, our friend Nicole decides to dive headfirst into 3' of water and breaks her front two teeth... um... what? Don't you learn not to do that at like age 5?

Kim is still concerned with B's nutrition and learns that he's been marinating his meat in Soy Sauce. SOY SAUCE? Um, everyone knows you gain like 20 pounds in water weight after you eat chinese food. This kid has been probably eating 3000 g of sodium everyday retaining water like a PMSing georgia peach in August. I mean, come on!

A time filling trip to the doctor's reveals that the losers aren't just losing weight, but they are also dropping inches, lowering thier cholesterol and blood pressure without medication, and exponentially reducing the mass of their waist, hips, and thighs.

Ok... yawn... last chance work outs... yada yada yada. Alright, there really is no reason for this show to be more than an hour, but I guess with the writers strike they really don't have a choice.

8:53, 7 min til my thumb workout begin.

Hmmm, captian obvious decided to break into a "loser tip" and tell us that you can't burn fat with crunches alone. You need cardio, a balanced diet, and all over resistence training. Thank you Personal Training 101.

Hour 2 - DWTS and Loser Head-to-Head

(show hasn't even started and Ren is already commenting on Marie's drunken appearance)

Ok first comment is that Samantha Harris has big boobs and like to show them off in the dresses she chooses to wear. Just had to get that off my chest.

DWTS - After a brief recap, TB ushers out Celine Dion, and as soon as I go to switch to BL, Ren makes me flip back to see if she is wearing a jumpsuit, and/or has a camel toe. Thank God, neither is the case, and I safely flip back to the weigh in.

BL - Beginning of the weigh in... did I hear Alison correctly, and she said after tonight we'll be down to the final four? Does that mean three are going home? What the deuce? Ok, maybe not because the scale still has a slot for the bottom 2... Hmm, I am pretty confused but I guess I'll figure it out. B and Isabeau each lost 4 pounds... B is definitely getting sent to elimination.

DWTS - The first couple is about to be eliminated... please be Marie, please be Marie, THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's Marie and Jonathan. Phewwww, seriously, there is someone looking out for all of us and for ABC becuase if she won, I think they would have lost a lot of viewers. (She reminded us again of her age... yeah we get it and have gotten it the whole time...)

BL - Bill is safe, not sure how much he lost, but he weighs less than Isabeau now. If I were those girls I'd be working my behind off. Nicole drops 6 pounds, and is down to 212. Good for her - I like her. Hollie is down 3 pounds, but her percentage puts her at the edge of elimination. Isabeau is still in, but B is still at risk. Wow... Julie lost 5 pounds, and is safe. Hollie is def up for elimination. Neil is looking to get below 300 pounds... that is insane to me that he doesn't remember the last time he was below 300... but I guess that is why he is here. Doh, commerical.

DWTS - I guess we have about 1 hour and 33 min of filler until we find out who the winner is. Josie Maran dances and we see clearly why she was the first kicked off. Apparently they are going week by week and parading out all the kicked off starts.

BL - Neil loses 5 pounds, drops below 300 but bumps B to elimination. B pleads his case like a man to the other contestants, but Kim is crushed by the news. Jeez Kim... way to load the guilt on to this kid. Make him feel worse than he does.

DWTS - ugh... Wayne Newton. It still hurts me to watch him. Thank God... he can't dance, doctor's orders.

BL - At elimination, Alison pulls a captain obvious move and explains how if B is eliminated that it will be the first time in BL history that an entire team will be gone. Even Ren knows that this is the first time they had three teams... and therefore a better chance of a team being eliminated before the end. Isabeau voted for Bryan, Neil voted for Hollie, Bill voted for Bryan, Julie voted for.... doh, commerical break.

DWTS - Sabrina and Bryan dance... she was really, really good.

BL - Julie voted for Bryan, and with that goes the Red Team. I am sad for him, but strategically it was the right move. (Ok, Bryan's dad is named Ruffin. That is AWESOME)

Hour 3 will be posted tomorrow. I need to leave some of the suspense hangin out there! (plus this sh*t was getting way too long)

Sporting News: Giants sign LB Daniels off practice squad, release HB Pass

Apparently, since Eli likes to throw TD's to the other team, time to release Plan B: The Halfback Pass.

Entry 7: Cookie Monster

Latest development in the "War Against Yogurt, Enduring Dannon", campaign…

Today D.M. slurps down her usual lunch in record time and pulls out a Dannon Light Cappucino Yogurt.

I ask, "Hey D.M., where do you keep all the labels that you have to save for the fleece and bookbag?"

"I just throw them in the big cookie jar in the kitchen."

"But D.M., where do you put the cookies then?"

"The cookies usually don't make it to the jar, I keep those on my nightstand."

"You keep the cookies in your room?"

"Well the cookie jar doesn't fit on my nightstand."

"Why do the cookies have to be in your room? Don't they keep better in the fridge or a cabinet of some sort?"

"I keep some of the cookies in the fridge in my room, but others do just fine on the nightstand."

"So there are cookies all over the place then?"

"No, just in my room, if I keep them down in the main fridge I'll forget they are there and buy new ones, then I'd have cookies everywhere."

"So there is a method to your madness then, I understand now."

"Plus I don't have any room for cookies downstairs, that fridge is for the yogurt."

(I get up and leave)

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Click here for previous entries

ESPN's Sal Pal-wanna-be Bob Holtzman and Procccc-toooooor, Lance Kinsey!

Brought to you by our corporate sponsor, Proctor & Gamble...

Jon Kitna has successfully separated the Lions’ locker room again; this time leaving himself alone in a corner.

According to Dre Bly, a self-proclaimed expert on the chemistry of Lions’ quarterbacks, Kitna’s wife Jeni, seen here dressed as the daughter of Dave Thomas, redecorated the couple’s home the weekend of the Arizona game using the ancient technique of feng shui.

Sources close to God have said that He is non-to-pleased with the recent renovation because of feng shui’s strong ties to astrology.

“The Big Man doesn’t appreciate stuff like that,” said the guy outside Ford Field that calls himself Jesus. “I listen to the stars every night, and they ain’t telling me to redecorate my Zenith box.”

Both the secular and religious fractions of the locker room blame the recent losing streak on the extreme makeover and have ostracized Kitna until the home is reconfigured.

GM Matt Millen said on a local radio show that the Kitnas are contemplating flying out weekly with him to Pennsylvania, where he can drop them off at a nearby Amish community to see how God prefers homes to be decorated.

Kitna and his wife were unable to be reached for comment.

"You think if your father couldn't pay his rent that Mickey Mantle would care? Would Mickey Mantle pay your rent? Mickey Mantle makes $200,000 a year--he don't care about you, why care about him? Nobody cares."

Sonny had five fingers, but he only used three.

(Photo: Newsday)

As the sports world spends the day mourning the passing of Sean Taylor, my family and I spent the holiday weekend mourning the passing of a close relative, a WWII veteran and great man in our lives.

While our idolization of sports stars and celebrities helps us to escape from the reality of our lives, in honesty, it is just that - a fantasy.

As I've perused the blogs and news sites trying to get back into my routine after yesterday's funeral, one thing striking me in the Taylor coverage is the rage against Mike Wilbon for, in addition to needling the blogosphere, the following quote:

"I know how I feel about Taylor, and this latest news isn’t surprising in the least, not to me. Whether this incident is or isn’t random, Taylor grew up in a violent world, embraced it, claimed it, loved to run in it and refused to divorce himself from it. He ain’t the first and won’t be the last. We have no idea what happened, or if what we know now will be revised later. It’s sad, yes, but hardly surprising."

Like Wilbon, we as fans want it both ways. We want our commentators honest and forthright, so long as it is not controversial, or more specifically, so long as it conforms to our own opinions of what exactly is and isn't controversial. Wilbon is more than guilty of this on several occasions, granted, as is his job to be critical.

The main attack against Wilbon is that Taylor has supposedly changed his life; turned it around since the birth of his daughter. And maybe so. But that doesn't make Wilbon's quote any more or any less true. It is what it is. Suffice to say, Wilbon is both basing his opinion on his own personal knowledge of the player/person, as well as leaving himself an out. There is a likelihood that more details will emerge one way or another. And when it does, all the Mike Wilbons of the world will be spewing opinions, whether called upon to or not. Some we will agree with, others we won't. But is it fair to only acknowledge those we want to believe as those being the only ones grounded in "truth?"

We can appreciate what Sean Taylor has done in his career on the field, and we can point to him as an example of someone who has turned his life around off of it. But we should not ignore his past misgivings, for they are a part of his transformation, thus creating the aforementioned "example."

When all is said and done, the Redskins will move on, will dedicate the rest of this season to Taylor, as well as the next. Fans will move on a cheer the progression of guys like LaRon Landry.

Point to Taylor and say, 'this is a man who cared enough about his loved ones, and loved ones only, to turn his life around. ' As he, and we, should. Let's care about our loved ones, those who raise us, and love us and nurture us, not the Pro Bowlers and All-Pros who perform for us and entertain us. We can love them, but love them for who and what they are. Love them in a different way. Mostly as on-field performers.

Let's not canonize them. Let's respect them, but not fashion our lives after them. But they are cloaked with lessons, given (nothing more than) their stardom. We can't escape that.

Taylor likely implored his daughter not to be like him, like he was. That's the lesson we should all learn from this. Sean Taylor didn't care about us, but he cared enough about those he loved to change his life.

That is where the tragedy lies. With his daughter and his girlfriend. They grow up with one less loved one, and a daughter without a father. That is nothing short of tragic. Sadly it happens everyday. Maybe this can be an example of steering kids away from that path.

Wilbon reminds us of who Taylor was, while Taylor's supporters try to educate us on who he was becoming. Neither is mutually exclusive.

"The saddest thing in life is wasted talent."

What do I care? I'm getting paid.
(photo: MSNBC)

As our buddy Eric at phillyBurbs points out via the WA Post, whats the difference between Peyton and Eli? Get this Giants fans, only $300k.

That's what you get when you invest in legacy as opposed to reality.

Peyton - Eli = $300k

Enjoy looking at the Eli face, for a few more seasons, I know I will.

Yesterday, "A federal appeals court denied a petition Monday to rehear an attempt by the Major League Baseball Players Association and Major League Baseball Advanced Media to reverse a ruling that allowed a fantasy baseball company to use players' names and statistics without a licensing fee." See the SN.com article here.

Well, isn't that nice of them. Hey, look, I understand that companies like Yahoo!, ESPN and CBS can afford to shell out a few mil here or there for the rights to use the players' name and info, much like trading card companies do. But let's think about this for a minute. Inevitably, rising costs for these companies will ultimately fall upon us, the poor suckers already shelling out dough for upgraded features like StatTracker, much like rising corporate taxes and production costs in the industrial sector cause companies to out-source jobs overseas and/or eventually fall back on rising consumption costs on the consumer.

Secondly, Yahoo!, ESPN and CBS, while corporations, are three of the top sports news and information avenues for the average fan. Online fantasy sports, namely baseball, has done as much to generate interest in the sport than any steroid enhanced homerun chase ever did. I now have interest in following a team not named the Phillies in a different time zone, and it also elevates fan interest in players on mediocre and/or "small market" squads. It is a win-win situation for all involved. But again, when the big money makers, namely MLB, the Players Association and the media conglomerates, start talking dollars and cents, you can't help but suspect that the fan will be the one that will ultimately suffer in their little lovers' spat.

Next thing you know, box scores in newsprint become non-existent, you end up with a fantasy football season working off the stats of a season of "Playmakers," basketball cards with no logos on the unis, and baseball video games featuring Yankees Captain "Mule Otto" and Phillies southpaw "Hole Camels." Sure, you know who the players "really" are, but you feel like you know it just stinks on ice and you're the one that ends up taking it up the proverbial pooper.

Kind of reminds me in college when my degenerate gambling friends ran out of games to bet on and would set Madden on CPU vs. CPU, set a line, and let it fly. Actually, that was kind of cool.

From our regular contribution at Epic Carnival, the chief's 4th Estate, a Jackson Pollack of Sarcasm, leaves a somewhat successful Peter King alone this week and asks if you Yahoo!? (you shouldn't).

Click here for a larger and more robust version.

Hey Y'all, I let you all down last week with a hiatus from both DWTS and Biggest Loser. To be honest I was truly upset that Jennie didn't make the finals... it's not that she would have won, but her skills were definitely better than Marie. Damn you QVC shoppers! Seriously, who would buy this

Anyway, here is a little play by play of the finale... just cause that's how I roll.

Round 1: Judge's Choice

Mel B dances the Cha Cha Cha. B*tch has a lot of tattoos. She's also managed to lose all that baby weight she had coming into this competition. Her and Jennie both. I swear that is why people agree to do this show. To lose weight or to resurrect their career.

Good job Mel B - 28. If it was based on skill alone, you'd win, hands down.

Marie comes out to the Samba. Ren says "she looks like a dirty housewife." Another lackluster performance. Judges comments are honest... thank God. Even though that won't matter AT ALL. She SUCKS. Bottom line. She is cute, and I respect the fact that she is in her late 40's and shaking what her momma gave her, but she doesn't have the technique down, and when a freaking race car driver can get the damn technique down, someone who's been entertaining for what seems like an eternity should be able to pick it up. Marie, as my cousin always said, you come strong or you don't come at all.

Wow... judges give her a 24. Well done, kids, well done. Uh, well, she just managed to throw in a reference to her QVC doll line. Damn, at least she knows where her votes are coming from. (While she's getting her scores, Ren comments that she looks drunk, I can't say I don't agree.)

Helio has to dance to the Jive for his first round. Ahhh, we see that he got to have a 19 year old's ass in his face all week practicing for his dances (practicing their "lifts"). Ha, Ren actually paid attention to this dance, and to his surprise, actually enjoyed it! Maybe I'll have him converted by season 7.

Hmmm mixed comments from the judges - 25. Apparently his footwork was off, but all loved his overall performance quality. Yada yada... tell us something we haven't heard before.

Round 1 goes to Mel B.

Round 2: Freestyle Round

Interesting... Mel B's dance was a let down. Kind of boring. You need to come out with a lot of energy, but they sort of just did something a bit different.

Judges had mixed reactions. Carrie Ann wanted more, Len liked it as is, and Bruno... well, he's Bruno... just insert any sort of random combination of descriptive words and you get the point. Only a 27. I am really shocked that this weeks scores are lower than last weeks. Usually the stars bring it this last week. Not feeling this show tonight.

Another dance tomorrow? When is the dog-gone results show? Wednesday??? But that cuts into Kid Nation and Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Damnit... I hate when they drag this shit out.

UGGGHHHHH Marie.... I really loathe you. Ok, we know you design dolls. She danced her freestyle as a rag doll. Meaning... movements were stiff, barely any footwork.... I am underwhelmed to say the least. I can't believe this is the finale. Thank God I am watching for all you people, because this is an hour of my life I'll never get back.

Thank God the judges agree. Bruno said it was like the Bride of Chucky... ok, I heart him. (Marie screams "But I'm a doll designer!" to which Tom Bergeron replies, "Yeah, we know." Thank you TB, thank you.) Again, she references the doll collectors that vote for her each week (took you this long to realize that is where your votes are coming from?) Wow, a 22. Ok, so she's got a 46 out of 60. Hopefully that's enough to keep her from winning this shit.

(Helio doing his best Bruno Tonioli)

Helio... bless your heart. Now, this is a freestyle dance. He had energy, power, and it was fun to watch. The judges seem relieved.... all agree it was the best of the night. (though Ren had to comment on Julianne's studded camel toe, and of course every time the camera panned to them, I couldn't help but stare. Shame on me.) A 29 to finish off the night.

So tomorrow night we see the first to get kicked off at the beginning of the show. Then the final two dance a final dance.

And that's all she wrote.

Mississippi- Cooper Manning went 14-22 with 8 TDs, in route to a lopsided 56-17 victory over his brother-in-law’s team during a friendly touch football game in the Heidingsfelder family’s backyard on Thanksgiving Day.

Cooper, older brother of NFL star Peyton Manning and NFL player Eli, is now statistically the third most successful quarterback in the Manning family.

“He is a great student of the game,” Peyton commented in a phone conversation after the Colts Thanksgiving Day win over the Falcons. “He knows that he has to throw to the guys on his team. That’s not an easy lesson for our family.”

Cooper started slowly, going incomplete on his first three pass attempts of the game, but then remembered everything he learned from watching brother Eli the past few seasons.

“I just thought back” Cooper laughed, “and did the opposite.”

The Heidingsfelders host a family touch game every season, but this is the first time Cooper has actually participated in his in-laws holiday game.

“When you younger brother is Peyton Manning,” he laughed “you don’t want to pick up a football. People expect you to be as good as him. That’s tough to live up to. You’d be an ass to try.”

The Heidingsfelders finally convinced Cooper to play, explaining that he couldn’t be any worse than Eli.

“Actually,” remarked father Archie Manning, “when you count Ricky and Danieal, Eli isn’t even the second most successful person named Manning in the NFL. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go beat my wife for convincing me to have a third child.”

If Ryan Reynolds subbed in for AJ "Touchy" Feeley tonight, would it make much of a difference?

The weekly NHL update from the fellas at Popjocks

Puttin on the foil

"Mike, I got some great stock in the Brooklyn Bridge you might be interested in."

As I woke this morning knowing I'd have to wait all day thinking about how the Pats are going to slaughter the Eagles tonight, I can only hope BWest breaks a few and keeps things respectable.

Why? Because I am a realist. Dare I say, I keep it real?

Know who doesn't keep it real? Mike Lupica. Case in point, this morning's Sports Reporters.

As the panel began discussing those aforementioned Pats, trying to put them in some sort of historical perspective, Lupica noted that this was like (back in '98) watching homeruns fly out of the park "but without all those extra enhancements." That last statement made me laugh of loud. Let's put SpyGate aside for now. Does Mike not remember why New England's Pro Bowl safety was missing in the beginning of the year? Then again, Lupica probably believes Harrison's excuse of ignorance. Rodney is not the only one of that team, or any team for that matter, who is dabbling in "extra enhancements" and I can't imagine anyone half-way sane ignoring the likelihood that performance enhancers are as rampant in football than any other sport, with the obvious exception being cycling, where Lance has made cheating an artform.

Now, let's get to that SpyGate issue. The Pats can say all they want about playing with a chip on their shoulder and having something to prove. I just happen to feel that it's easy to trample teams when you have digital libraries full of their signals and know what plays your opponents are calling on both sides of the ball.

On a closing note, maybe things won't be so bad for the Birds tonight. Hammered Hank Goldberg just talked about the spread going up due to McNabb's injury. If anyone has the opposite of the Midas Touch, it's Hammered Hank. I feel better now.

Sooner QB Sam Bradford and TV funny man Ike Barinholtz - he of Dane Cook parody fame...

To those disbelievers at the beginning of this year’s College Football Season who said that USC was unjustly – or undeservingly – ranked 1st pre-season and then patted yourselves on the back with the stunning loss to Stanford in October, I advise you to review the tape displaying last night’s shear dominance over #6 Arizona State…in Tempe, no less. To you all, I say, its time to believe again.

Without question, the obituary on USC’s dynasty was written prematurely - most of you had the ink dry at the second loss to acclaimed Dennis Dixon and his mighty Oregon Ducks. The reality is…and Stewart Mandel of SI.com backed me up…that, in that great game, USC kept the explosive Ducks to 24 points, while finding ways to break through and put 17 points up. It was more US-Soviet Union of the 1980s, with the simple goal of containment playing out on the field.

However, last night should have put to rest any doubts critics and opponents had about the capabilities and unwavering determination of the Trojans to their 6th consecutive Pac-10 Conference title and rightful spot at the Rose Bowl. With the unexpected and unfortunate fall of Dixon, Oregon has all but lost its steam and would best hope for going 1-2 in their final two games. Arizona State, last night, proved that it couldn’t go the distance and should rightly drop ten spots (at least) in the rankings. And, baring any unforeseen upset by arch-rivals UCLA (though last year, that was the stunning and most painful defeat I’ve seen, especially in that season of predictability), the Men of Troy should be donning roses on Jan 1st.

In a shameless attempt to safe face, you nay-sayers will counter that USC isn’t in the championship game. I’d say that is an accurate statement, on the surface. But given this seasons absolute unpredictability, upset after upset, and unexplainable storylines (Appalachia State over Michigan!, Hawaii 10-0!!, and the utter implosion of ND!!!), the fact that the pre-season #1 will end up in the top 5 and, arguably, be favored at the Rose Bowl, I’ll take this story-book ending to a season that was anything but.

In conclusion, I’m proud of my fellow Trojans in ending their season with the strength, agility, and ability that was hyped long before they took the field. As with Palmer and Leinart before them, Booty has demonstrated leadership and intellect with a style and class that is truly USC’s tradition. And to those who, as July and August 2008 roll around, want to begin the pre-season bashing and questioning of USC’s likely high-ranking, just remember one thing: Pete Carroll will be returning, which after this season, is more than Michigan’s Carr can say (with Nebraska’s Callahan and Arkansas’ Nutt can say).

-Special contribution from friend and HHR reader Woody.

Entry 6: Yogurt Challenge

DM: "Ooh, check this out guys. If you eat 60 yogurts you get a free fleece!"

Mayor Dooley-"but that's a helluva lot of yogurt to eat don't you think D.M.?"

DM: "Nah, one for breakfast, one for lunch, its quite obtainable."

Dooley: "Shoot for those stars kid. When do you have until to eat 60 yogurts?"

DM: "April 20th, but i want to finish early because if you eat another 30 you can get a free bookbag"

Dooley: "But, D.M., you are done with school, why would you want a bookbag?"

DM: "Forget the bookbag and the fleece, i just want to prove to these people that I can eat 90 yogurts."

Dooley: "I don't feel that you can, D.M."

DM: "Watch me, I'll have a new fleece in no time."

Dooley: "What about the bookbag?"

DM: "If i stick to my game plan, I'll have that around March."

Dooley: "But you have until the end of April, why the rush?"

DM: "Its really good yogurt."

From the HHR staff, some things we are thankful for...

• Six more games, the playoffs, and the entire summer to read if Brett Favre will retire.
• Penicillin
• The women on Sports By Brooks
• ATM machines with no fees and allow withdrawls in denominations of $10
• All of the lovely ladies in my life (The Wolf, Dorris, and Suze)
• The Indians signing Kobayshi guarantees at least two seasons of Usual Suspect and hot dog puns
• OJ Simpson and his penchant for buggery
• Emmitt Smith and YouTube
• Antonio Ramiro Romo and Thomas Edward Brady, Jr.
• 69 cent mustache rides
  
• Barry Melrose's hair
  
• When Dick Vitale has larengitis.
  
• Michael Irvin being fired from NFL Countdown
• Jerkbeast
  
• Jimmy Traina
• Having a strait man (Rev.) on a site full of bullshitters - He wanted to be thankful for his family and friends (real and online), as well as his Cards (L'Ville) and Cards (StL). He's very thoughtful.
• Peter King and Mike McAllister
• Will Demps' online groupies
• Pat the Pat
• CR's award winning white chili
• Rusty having to deal with Jr. joining Hendricks
• Our Bristol Brethren who lead us to believe we actually have readers.
  
  

Finally, as we prepare to party our hugging asses off tonight, the unofficial-homecoming-debauchery-bar-holiday-eve for all 20-(and 30)-somethings out there, we implore you to watch the drinking tonight, kids, or you could end up dancing like, well, like this guy:

GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYBODY!!

Struggling Bulls crushed (in) Nuggets

Tebow brushes aside Florida State’s (trashy women), talk(s to trashy men instead)

Calling it early — LSU reaches title game (CRACCCKKKKK!!!! fucking limb just broke underneath me)

The Border War never mattered more (except when the Mexicans tried to sneak in)

Trojan Force (sounds like a nickname for a date rapist)

Chiefs vague about Priest's injury (but might have gotten hurt chasing alterboy)

Entry 5: Cincinnati Chili

At today's lunch, D.M. asks, "Have you guys ever had Cincinnati Chili?"

My eyes lit up and ears perked with excitement wondering where this question would lead to.

Naturally, I begin to interrogate,"What in the world are you talking about?"

D.M. replies, "You know, chili and spaghetti mixed together. It's great, I found the recipe online this weekend."

First off, who looks for recipes online? Especially on a weekend. But I suppose the weekends are prime eating hours.

Second, now that she has discovered this recipe is it safe to say that it will quickly be found on every menu in the tri-state area?

Third and last, did the late, great Flyin' Brian Pillman know of such and if so was he protecting the recipe from falling into D.M.'s clutches in the moments before his death.

And a side bar, she was very upset that she had to have peanut butter and jelly today because she was "all out of mayo for the first time in years." That was I all I could interpret as her attention was focused on her "Chocolate Milk Chug." Yep, that's what it's called.

"What can I say? I tried, but she overpowered me. I'm a loose cannon, but she's got a loose gullet."

Click here for previous entries.

From this week's 4th Estate: A Jackson Pollack of Sarcasm contribution at Epic Carnival:

"Playing a game with Peter King called 'just the tips.' Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair. "

(Click for a better looks)

In my email box...

I refuse to do a DWTS recap because I am on strike. Marie Osmond making it this far is a pure scham and I refuse to discuss it. Hopefully another Osmond doesn't pass away, check into rehab, eliminate the US deficit or cure the common cold before the final elimination because the phones can't support all the sympathy votes. She could get the Republican nomination right now.

Pissed off,

Ariel.

Click here for another view

The early Thanksgiving edition of college pick’em is here. This week’s theme: in-state rivalries and/or conference championship implications.

For the second straight week, HHR scored with an overall tally of 7-3. After suffering some early season hiccups, we may just have a handle on this crazy football season. Here are the picks:

10 points: Miami (5-6) at BOSTON COLLEGE (9-2): Boston College clinched a spot in the ACC title game with their come-from-behind win at Clemson a week ago. Short of a bad two week stretch, this has been a dream season for the Eagles. A bad Miami team should only offer a tune-up for the well oiled BC machine.

9 points: Connecticut (9-2) at WEST VIRGINIA (9-1): At the start of the season, most pundits assumed WV would be playing for the Big East championship. But UCONN? Nobody saw these guys coming. In only their fourth year as a league member, the Huskies football team has laid aside several would be pretenders to the Big East crown, including South Florida, Rutgers and Louisville. This is undoubtedly the biggest game in UCONN’s history, and a win here would drop WV from the national title chase and catapult the Huskies into the BCS bowl picture.

8 points: Florida State (7-4) at FLORIDA (8-3): College football fans everywhere are hoping the Seminoles reestablish themselves as one of the most dominant and most hated teams in America. Because once upon a time, this was one of the best games in the college football season, hands down.

7 points: Alabama (6-5) at AUBURN (7-4): Alabama enters the Iron Bowl fresh off a devastating, embarrassing loss to Louisiana Monroe. For the $4 million per Nick Saban is getting from the school, I doubt ‘Bama boosters were expecting that kind of performance in return. Auburn has had an up-and-down season of their own, so it’s difficult to predict who has the edge. This is always one of the hardest-hitting games of the season, so it should be fun just to sit back and watch.

6 points: VA TECH (9-2) at Virginia (9-2): I can’t decide whether Virginia is for real or if they’ve just had a lot of good breaks so far this year. One thing I am quite certain of is that Virginia hasn’t beaten the Hokies since 2003, and I don’t see them ending the losing streak this year. By the way, winner goes to the ACC title game to meet Boston College … for as so-so as the ACC has been this year, the VA Tech-BC game from earlier this year was a billing that certainly lived up to the hype.

5 points: Washington State (4-7) at WASHINGTON (4-7): I know this matters to some folks in the Pacific Northwest, but for the sake of the rest of our readers, I’m just moving on …

4 points: CLEMSON (8-3) at South Carolina (6-5): South Carolina must have just given up on the ol’ Ball Coach. They’ve gone from top to bottom in near record time this season. Clemson, on the other hand, looks to be finishing a season strong for once, notwithstanding last week’s come-from-ahead loss to Boston College. This is another classic college grudge match where you just have to throw the records out the window. Since So. Carolina won last year, I’m going to take Clemson to balance things out.

3 points: GEORGIA (9-2) at Georgia Tech (7-4): The way Georgia has been rolling of late, it’s hard to seriously think Georgia Tech has a chance. If anything, this should be a great matchup between two of the best backs in college football, Georgia’s Knowshow Moreno and Georgia Tech’s Tashard Choice. Those two should at least be worth the price of admission.

2 points: Oregon (8-2) at UCLA (5-5): Dennis Dixon: out. Brady Leaf: in. Prognosis: not good for the Ducks.

1 point: MIZZOU (10-1) at Kansas (11-0): This is Armegeddon west of the Mississippi: who would have ever thought these two hated rivals would meet in a game of this magnitude? Basketball, ok, I can believe that. But football? These guys have both been Big XII bottom feeders for a while! In this crazy football seasons, both teams have emerged from the fray with a chance for each to squeeze their way into the national title game. Kansas is still unbeaten while Mizzou suffered their one loss at the hands of Oklahoma.

I’m taking Mizzou, if for no other reason than certain readers in the St. Louis metropolitan area would disown me if I took the Jayhawks. But more importantly, a Mizzou win would complicate the national title race (enter WV? Ohio State? Arizona State?) that much more. There will be a ton of points scored in this one, so sit back and enjoy because this should be one of the more exciting games played this year.

Season Record: 64-47

With little fanfare, Great Lakes Downs in Muskegon, Michigan shuttered its doors to the horse racing community on November 6. A big hairy sarcastic "Thank You" goes out to Magna Entertainment who oversaw the track's demise by buying the track in 2000.

Magna bought the track in anticipation of the state government allowing slots at the track. Magna operated the track at a loss banking on the ability to turn the track into a racino. When it became apparent that slots would not be approved, Magna packed up and left the community in a lurch.

Magna will claim that it was the right move considering the money it was losing by operating the track. However, if you ever visited Great Lakes Downs or lived in West Michigan, you would know that Magna didn't give a rat's patoot about the facility or the community.

As the economy worsens in West Michigan under an unresponsive governor, the closing of Great Lakes Downs adds to another blow to the community economically and morally. The shoreline community in West Michigan is desperate for an entertainment venue and Magna failed to fill a gaping need.

Magna failed to integrate the community into horse racing that other successful race tracks without slot machines have done. Magna was not interested in putting in the legwork to have the community gain interest in the sport. Successful tracks educate and market the sport to the community so that it is involved and knowledgeable. Magna had no interest in outreaching to the community or creating a venue that would attract customers.

West Michigan never knew what was down the road.

It is evident that Magna is interested in operating racinos not race tracks. Maryland residents and horse racing fans should take note. While horse owner's eyes are growing big and green, and will be spouting the benefits of a ballot proposal to allow slot machines at tracks, everyone needs to take a step back and see if the figure offering the deal has horns.

The referendum to be voted on in 2008 takes the unusual step of requiring a private company (Magna Entertainment) to invest a minimum in its own race track facility and in marketing of horse racing. The crafters of the legislation probably noticed that Pimlico was headed down the same path as Great Lakes Downs and that Magna is in it for slots not horse racing.

The slot machines will indeed bring more money into the sport for larger purses, but the horse community that supports the machines are selling the sport for their own short-term self interests and not the long-term sustainability of the sport.

The excuse that tracks are failing and therefore need slots has been profitable, but it has done nothing to bring new fans to horse racing. And fans are the lifeblood of any sport, ask Major League Soccer.

Horse racing is a proven main attraction sport, but Magna is set on getting rich by turning the sport of kings into a sideshow. In the end, the tracks will be plowed to make way for more machines.

-C.R. Dunbar

Joe Girardi has named his coaching staff for the 2008 season.

Hitting coach Kevin Long and first-base coach Tony Pena will return, while Dave Eiland has been promoted to pitching coach. Rob Thomson becomes the new bench coach, and both third-base coach Bobby Meacham and bullpen coach Mike Harkey -- both members of Girardi's 2006 Marlins' coaching staff -- have joined New York.

Is this a coaching staff or the JoeSportsFan worthless card All-Stars?

Entry 4: The Northeast Feast

I was merely a passer-by, being in the Southeast.

However, I blatantly heard, D.M. snort, "This brie is excellent!"

From what I can gather, D.M. went to Wegman's and purchased the Thanksgiving dinner option (for 20-25) from the catering menu and upgraded to the deluxe package that included desserts such as a variety of cheesecakes and brie.

There are 11 people on the Northeast team, not quite sure why the dinner for 20-25 was necessary and the "deluxe" upgrade may have been a bit overzealous.

--

Entry 3
Entries 1 &2

Just checked AA for my weekend schedule. We have a meeting at 11am on Saturday then my sponsor will…..wait…wrong AA info.

Awful Announcing just posted the announcing schedule for this weekend’s college football skirmishes. Our favorite slice of sideline sauciness, Tracy Wolfson, will be working the Arkansas vs. LSU tussle on CBS at 2:30. Is it any surprise she gets one of the top games this weekend?

Screw Tigers and Hogs. There is gonna be a Wolf watch in the Bayou. Color me there.

(Photo: LATimes.com)

Sad day for America, sigh of relief for huggers everywhere.

Dick Wilson, 91; Mr. Whipple in Charmin commercials

Still, in the interest of keeping things appropriate in the workplace, please don't hug the analyst.

Entry 3:"The 5-Second Rule?"

While at lunch yesterday, two more classic Dorris Murphy stories were born. First, a girl I work with came to the table with her lunch (D.M. was almost done with hers - hoagie, pickle, chips, diet coke??). The girl spilled her fries all over the table. D.M. loudly invokes the "5 second rule" and grabs a handful of her fries off of the table.

And second, another employee brought in leftover pies from a family function this past weekend. While reading out the names of the pies...apple, coconut custard, mintz meat, and lemon meringue, D.M. rejoices saying, "Oooh lemon meringue!"

Trying to hold in my laughter and the apple in my mouth, I shoot apple bits all over the mighty D.M. thwarting her bid for the pie, yet she was later seen with an empty plate and fork at her desk.



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Click here for entries 1 & 2
Entry 4

ESPN reported on Sunday that Packers defensive backs offered to pay the team's defensive linemen $500 each if they were able to hold Minnesota running back Adrian Peterson under 100 yards rushing two weeks ago and hold Carolina to under 60 yards rushing on Sunday.

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During the game broadcast, Al Harris' name was specifically mentioned. One wonders if his apology for these actions would sound something like this:

"My sincerest, heartfelt apologies go out to every person I have offended for my regrettable use of very inappropriate language. I am deeply disappointed in myself for speaking out of anger...

I know that all of my fans are deeply disappointed in me, as well, as I have tried to be a model for doing the right thing. I did not do the right thing this time, and hope you will forgive me. We learn from our mistakes, as my story of overcoming a life of crime has proven, and I will learn from this one for the rest of my life."

Somewhere Buddy Ryan weeps.

This is a reproduction of original documentation kept by HHR friend Mayor Dooley. The reports are, for the most part, factual. They monitor the primal habits of a female co-worker, who proves to be nothing less than the iconic and somewhat stereotypical mid-twenty-something former high school athlete. Needless to say, you probably work with someone very similar, perhaps dated her in her athletic heyday, and probably see her out a townie bars everywhere you turn.

Lucky for us, many of the stories happen to coincide with this time of year, so the timing of the release is impeccable.

We encourage readers new and old to check back frequently, because we guarantee this is comedic gold and has a sitcom written all over it.

To protect her innocence the young lady in these diaries will be from here known as Doris Murhpy or "D.M." in honor of a certain actor/movie character that fits our heroine's forte.

Entry 1: "Oooh, are those SnackWells?"

The aforementioned large girl I work with currently known as D.M. (high school softball nickname withheld), comes by my workspace this morning, bagel lathered in cream cheese in one hand, large choco milk in the other. I am sipping my hangover coffee and pealing the wrapper off a Nutrigrain bar (strawberry/blueberry twist) and I hear, "Ooh, are those Snackwells?"

As I thought to myself, "No fatty", I reply, "Don't you have enough on your plate?"

She chuckles and clogs away. At lunch, Turkey Club, with "all the fixins", chips, Nutrigrain bar, and large choco milk. And the capper,

"I can't wait to get all sexed up Wednesday night and hit the town."

Can't wait for Thanksgiving stories.

Entry 2: "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe"

D.M. had two bags of chips today, said she couldn't decide which to get, so settled for both.

--

Click Here for Entry 3
Entry 4

Mosley: With T.O. on fire, Cowboys hold off Redskins


(Not that there's anything wrong with that).

This Weekend's Big Johnsons:

Johnson crowned Nascar champion

And in football news...

Balancing act for Texans: Johnson's return, Dayne's exploits winning formula

Johnson hurls 5 TDs in USD loss

However, let this be a lesson, that Johnson + Bush = trouble.

Mistakes by Bush, Johnson doom Saints

As Ted Ginn, Jr. was returning the punt for the TD during the Fins/Eagles game, did anyone happen to get footage of Rich Gannon on CBS explaining how much he loathes slick balls? How there is now a brush with which you can rub the balls to make them softer and how equipment managers now take special care in rubbing QB's balls prior to games?

Oh, God I wish I had TIVO.

Anyone?

Seriously, someone has to get this footage.

Actual conversation this morning while watching Gameday:

Ariel: What's that guy's name again?

Ren: Lee Corso.

Ariel: He's like a wannabe Mel Brooks

Ren: That's a Separated at Birth.

Ariel: Yeah, it is!



Blazing Saddles Scene

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Ariel: Come to think of it, Herbstreit sort of looks like Guy Ritchie with that stupid hat on.

Thanks to Awful Announcing for Kirk's stupid hat screen shot.

We won't pretend we haven't killed hours of work over the last 7 years or so reading the Sports Guy. But we also won't pretend that we haven't tired of his shtick, particularly this post-2004 Bostonmania world of sports we live in.

In this blogger's eyes, however, he remains the gold standard, even if Ariel saw him commentating on TV once and couldn't get over how effeminate he comes off. But still.

I did a double take when I read this line this afternoon from BS:

"I think we've reached a stage in sports when you have to have an opinion on EVERYTHING, even if you come off like an ass in the process."

Seriously, folks. I can't even comment on that line. I would do it no justice. Just let it sink in and enjoy it.

AP: Flyer Told to Change Outfit Poses Nude

My, what a season it has been. Oregon bit the dust last night at Arizona, clearing the way for a new no. 2 next week. That, of course, followed Ohio State’s loss last weekend to Illinois. At this point, the national championship is completely up for grabs. LSU, Kansas, Oklahoma, even West Virginia and Missouri all have a chance to play for the title later this year.

So to put it lightly, this week’s slate of games is going to go a long way towards determining who will remain in the championship hunt and who will have to just settle for going to a bowl.

HHR went 7-3 last week, so we’re on a bit of a winning streak. Here are this week’s picks:

10 points: Iowa State (3-8) at KANSAS (10-0): With Oregon losing last night at Arizona, the Jayhawks will be the no. 2 team when rankings are released on Sunday. That is assuming they will win against a punchless Iowa State team, which they should not have a problem doing. For all the talk about the Jayhawks possibly being left out of the BCS title game, they control their own destiny now. Beat Iowa State, Mizzou, and Oklahoma in the Big XII Championship and they’re in.

9 points: OKLAHOMA (9-1) at Texas Tech (7-4): Like Kansas, Oklahoma seems to control their own destiny too: win out, play for national championship. Simple as that. On the other sideline, things don’t get any easier for the Red Raiders and their cry-baby coach, Mike Leach. Leach was fined a Big XII record $10,000 smackers for complaining about the officiating in last week’s 59-43 loss to Texas. Said Leach:

"I think it's disturbing that Austin residents (referee Randy Christal) are involved in this. People work too hard, too long, there's too much money invested in these games to allow that. Am I condemning the crew? Hell yeah, I'm condemning the crew."

Looks like Leach might be taking media pointers from Red Raiders basketball coach Bobby Knight. While it doesn’t quite surpass Oklahoma State Coach Mike Gundy’s ludicrous “I’m a Man!! I’m 40!!” rant from earlier this year , it’s still pretty good.



8 points: LOUISVILLE (5-5) at South Florida (7-3): Louisville played well in a 38-31 loss at West Virginia last week, despite taking only 22 active defensive players and abandoning the concept of running the ball effectively. But no matter how you cut it, this has been a disappointing season for the Cardinals. It was announced yesterday that starting DE DeAntwan “Peanut” Whitehead’s football career was over after being diagnosed with spinal stenosis, a potentially paralyzing condition where the spinal canal narrows in the neck. He’s the second Card to be diagnosed with the condition and the 4th Card overall to suffer a career-ending injury this year. From a fan’s perspective, I’m hoping against hope that QB Brian Brohm can go out on a high note, so that’s why this game is here.

CLUELESS.



7 points: WEST VIRGINIA (8-1) at Cincinnati (8-2): Mountaineers RB Steve Slaton seems to have regressed over last year’s breakout performance. However, while Slaton may have slipped just a bit, QB Pat White is proving that he is still one of the most electrifying players in college football today (see last week’s game breaking 50 yard TD scamper against Louisville with 1:36 left to play). This game will be tough as Cincy has a hard-hitting defense that will severely test WV’s potent offense. In the end though, the Mountaineers just have too many weapons, and I look for them to squeak by the Bearcats by no more than 6 or 7 points.

6 points: PENN STATE (8-3) at Michigan State (6-5): Michigan State needs this game bad to lock up a bowl berth, but … winning is just not something they do in East Lansing this time of year.



5 points: Kentucky (7-3) at GEORGIA (8-2): UK inexplicably laid an egg against Mississippi State their last time out, all but ending the Cats chances of winning a wide-open SEC East. Now Georgia is in the driver’s seat, and they have revenge on their mind for last year’s loss in Lexington. UGA has hung 40+ points on three straight opponents, including SEC stalwarts Florida and Auburn. The Wildcats better come ready to play or they could be in for a long, long afternoon between the hedges in Athens.

4 points: Boston College (8-2) at CLEMSON (8-2): It hurts my brain to pick Clemson in a game of this magnitude (winner wins the ACC Coastal Division), but I can’t find a reason not to take them at home.

3 points: OREGON STATE (6-4) at Washington State (4-6): I won’t be watching this game. I doubt you will either.

2 points: Maryland (5-5) at FLORIDA STATE (6-4): Five, six, maybe seven years ago, Florida State wins this game by 90 points. Maybe that’s a little high, but you get my point. Now, who knows. Granpda Bowden is definitely asleep at the wheel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

… and now, for the one point game of the week:

1 point: OHIO STATE (10-1) at Michigan (8-3): With apologies to Dunbar, I’m going with the Bucks tomorrow. I don’t really think he could convince me otherwise, considering how Lloyd Carr’s final year in Ann Arbor has gone.

The Buckeyes blew their chance at getting back to the national championship game, so they’ll have to settle for doing what they do best: beating Michigan. Michigan, on the other hand, needs this game unlike any other. QB Chad Henne skipped the NFL draft with the express purpose of coming back to beat OSU at least one time during his career for the Maize and Blue. By the way, if this game wasn’t already hyped enough, this game will also decide the Big Ten championship and the league’s designee for the Rose Bowl.

I’m not a Big Ten fan, but even I’ll admit: this is bar none the best college football rivalry anywhere in America.

For the record, Michigan leads the all-time series 57-40-6.

HHR’s Season Record: 57-44


-posted by Rev. Shaw Moore

ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews is all the rage on the Internets and in the Blogosphere. And rightfully so.

While several of her sideline roaming cohorts are barely worth their salt, male or female, Andrews looks poised to become the evolved sideline spawn of Suzy Kolber, Pam Oliver and Ren-fave Michelle Tafoya.

At HHR, we were admittedly slow getting into the whole "sports blog" game, but we feel in our short existence we have made great strides in being entertaining, witty and not taking sports and life as serious as too many folks do. If we had any time and talent, hell, we might even be somewhat informative.

Well, while folks clamor to Andrews, HHR is kickin' it back to the old school, because we are old fools, and we are so cool.

And by old school, we mean a little station based out of Trenton, NJ, known as WZBN. ZBN was a launching pad (ok that's a stretch, but if Tony Caputo can make it on a statewide channel in FRONT of the camera, that's saying something) of sorts for on-air personalities, basically covering county news, local high school sports and the area's two minor league draws - the Trenton Thunder AA baseball team and the Trenton (Titans) Devils hockey squad. Back in the day before the rise in popularity of blogging in general, we used to watch a gal on there named Tracy Wolfson.

You may have heard of her or seen her wandering around college football sidelines or around a tennis court or two. Look, we understand that Wolfson isn't exactly the cream of the crop when it comes to her profession. But we like to think that we "knew her when," and are hereby adopting her as this blog's very own. Eat your heart out, Erin. Tracy, you can captain our CarStar Team of the Day, any day.

Please. Just go away. Seriously. I know its so redundant to rip this guy but I just can't take it anymore.

Maybe it's because this afternoon I finally swore off Eskin for good and, as such, forced myself over to ESPN Radio just in time to catch the end of his show.

Now he's on Sports Center and he just dropped this one...

(Bonds) "is targeted more than the average white athlete would be. Reality."

Granted, the anchor totally baited him towards commenting on race, but seriously, does he just not get it or is he too wrapped up in the parody of himself?

His biggest argument was comparing Barry to McGuire, and questioned the timing of the investigation in that people ignored the PED problem when Big Mac was setting the season HR record. He conveniently forgets the color of the guy going toe-to-toe with McGuire.

STOP FN YELLING.

I can't take it.

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - Barry Bonds was indicted Thursday on perjury and obstruction of justice charges, the culmination of a four-year federal investigation into whether he lied under oath to a grand jury looking into steroid use by elite athletes.

TSG: Copy of Indictment



Click here to read article.

Note from Ren: The people of San Francisco kill me. They really do. I can't get over the comments on Sports Center about how the feeling there is that of "shock." Come on.

In an interesting turn of events today, Coach Bill Belichick ask FDA regulators to look into claims by former Dolphin head coach Don Shula that he lost more than 32 lbs. using the Nutrisystem weight loss plan.

“I don’t think he did it honestly,” commented Belichick “and frankly I’d like an asterisk added to his total.”

“I’d seen Shula at a few of the NFL events in the off-season” Belichick remarked, “and I could tell he’d done things to ‘aid’ his weight loss. I think I saw the outline of a girdle under his Dolphins polo shirt. At the summer league meetings I saw him go to the buffet table at least 2 – 3 times.”

Belichick offered video proof of the Coach Shula from last year’s HOF ceremonies, but then remembered they were confiscated by NFL officials. Coach Shula was finger painting and then going to join the rest of his friends at the assisted living facility for a nice prune and date smoothie and could not be reached for comment.

HHR has obtained a copy of the new ad and compared it to the campaign Nutrisystem is currently running.

Hello readers and welcome back to another edition of Suddenly Suzyn.

I don’t care what the calendar says but today, November 17th, is Christmas Day. (For all of my Jewish brethren, it’s like the first day of Hanukah, with a big week ahead). I wish you all could see me today because I am beaming. I haven’t even begun to sandblast on my makeup but my face is painted with a smile.

OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS I CAN’T HOLD IT IN ANYMORE!! I have huge news for everyone. I could get in some trouble with management for this but it’s too good to keep to myself. I can’t name sources but it comes to me on good authority that the Yankees are once again negotiating the great Alex Rodriguez. Now, I can’t say who told me but let me tell you it’s someone with his finger on the pulse of the Yankee organization.

The Yankees are scheduled to sit down with A-Rod, and his agent Scott Boras, and hammer out a deal sometime in the next few days. I’ve tried to get word from some of the coaching staff and players, but Joe Torre and Roger Clemens have yet to return my calls.

This is just a quick post because I have to do some, what we in the biz call, ‘investigative journalism’. When all of the major news outlets break this story just remember you got it from Ole’ Suze here first. I am not going to sleep until I have answers for Yankee fans.

Until then, take care.

Suze

---

Click here for Suze's take on NY's hiring of Joe G.

In keeping with a recent theme where NFL outcasts everywhere, including Koren Robinson, Tank Johnson, and Chris Henry have been reinstated to the league (sorry Pacman, your time will come soon), the Commish apparently has decided to bring a swift end Ricky Williams worldwide pot-smoking, yoga teaching odyssey and allow him back as a member of the Dolphins.

What a breath of fresh air this must be for Miami, considering that they’re just about the worst team in organized football. Anywhere.

Once upon a time, this guy ran for over 1,800 yards in a year. That of course was before his ill-fated Lenny Kravitz cloning experiment veered perilously off the tracks. While it’s doubtful he’ll ever reach that level of performance again, he will at the very least make the biennial drubbing at the hands of New England a little more interesting.

I’m really hoping the Dolphins don’t just dump the guy. I think they owe it to themselves to welcome a certified head-case back into the locker room just to plumb the depths of how far they really can sink this year.

So from all of us at HHR, allow us to say “Welcome Back, Ricky”. You’ve been missed.

-posted by Rev. Shaw Moore

Click and enjoy.

Ok, not to cut to the chase, but THANK GOD Amy is gone from the Biggest Loser. I don't think she is a bad person. However, I think she worked the least out of all the people there, and had a TON of weight to lose.

The reason why those people got into the position they were in was because they lacked discipline. When on a weight-loss reality show, the first thing you're supposed to learn is discipline!!! It's the only thing that'll help you to survive in the "real world."

Anyways.... So last night was the 10th week I think, and the final 9 competitors were broken down to singles. Every man/woman for themselves.

The temptation was disgusting. A chip worth $5,000 was buried in a pile of donuts. And when I say pile, I mean PILE. If the losers wanted a chance to rip through the donuts to find the chip, they had to first EAT a donut. All but Kae (she is a machine) decide to play. First round is 30 sec..., second round (and another donut) is 1 min...., third round (and a final donut) is unlimited time. After about 1 minute into the third round, Bill found the chip and became the winner for the week.

The challenge was sort of BS. So the losers were all going to take part in a "triathalon." They were going to bike 20km, run 3km, and swim 1km. The first 7 losers to finish the biking, got to compete at running. The first three to finish running, got to compete in the pool. BUT, if you finished sooner, it did not afford you a lead for the other rounds. That is the BS part. Kae easily finished first in the biking and running, but isn't much of a swimmer. Hollie (who finished third in the running) is a trained swimmer, and easily beat out Kae and Bill for the prize. The prize was a 24-hour trip home AND immunity for the weigh-in. Plus, the winner got to pick a second person to share the prize. Hollie chose Julie in a strategic decision, which I think was the right thing to do. However, this really pissed Amy off. Why she thought she was entitled to this prize is beyond me, and hence where the "whiner" part of my title comes in.

At the weigh-in, Hollie and Julie both lose no weight, which keeps them safe because they have immunity. Isabeau, Amy, and B all lose like 2 pounds, but Amy and B end up in the bottom two.

(Oh, and Amy "officially" became a member of the black team, and tried to give her red shirt back to Kim, which pissed Kim off even more.)

With three blue team members all there to save B (they all hate Amy because she is lazy and complains a lot), it was up to the 4 black team members to really decide who goes home. Julie, Hollie, and Bill all vote for B, and it comes down to Isabeau who, thank the lord, voted for Amy.

It was a good move all around. She didn't deserve to win because she wasn't working hard enough, and all she does is point fingers and complain about people being disloyal or throwing her under the bus. EVERYONE there knows she never worked hard enough (and maybe that was cleaver editing on NBC's part).

It's called PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY people... Like "I got fat because I ate a lot of bad food and didn't exercise." It's all apart of the process.

Think there is a market for a reality-tv-contestant-consultant???? I think I could make money consulting to-be contestants on the strategies of game play...

Yahoo! Sports: Satan hopes to lead Islanders to fifth straight win

His friends all call him "Old Scratch" and he is a Capricorn.

We gave you reasons not to vote for any of the finalists for People Magazine's Sexiest Fan. Who knew HHR had so much pull, as fans voted write-in Barry Williams as its Sexiest Fan.

Congrats.

Apparently, not everyone agrees.

It's week whatever (i sort of lost count) for DWTS and we're down to the final 5.

Helio and Mel B rocked the house. I don't know who picks music for these things, but their dances and music were awesome! Helio scored his first perfect 30 for their "The Mask" inspired quick step which was really fabulous. He is very, very fun to watch... takes me back to watching Emmitt Smith in season 3.

Cameron was so-so, with a Viennese waltz that wowed the judges, but a cha-cha-cha that left much to be desired.

My girl Jenny struggled with her Jive, even with a Stuart Smally type moment with Richard Simmons. Jenny, you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like you! Embrace the dancer we all know you can be, and make us 90210-loyalists proud! Her Fox Trot brought her back though, and I think she was tied somewhere in the middle with Cameron.

Richard and Ariel love you Jennie, even if the judges don't.

Marie Osmond is adorable to watch but lacks the skill to be #1. Her fan base is chock full of QVC-watching TV addicts, so she still might be safe, even though her scores have her last in the leader board.

Cameron or Marie will go home tonight.

-posted by Ariel

Be sure to check out HHR Monday afternoons and Thursday mid-day at Epic Carnival where we present a bi-weekly piece inspired by the chief's power rankings, The 4th Estate: A Jackson Pollack of Sarcasm. Below is the piece we contributed at EC this past Monday.

------

Some times, the 4th Estate can just crap on the MSM without scribbling all over it's published work.

One of our more popular posts at HHR was Ariel's top unrealistic sports-related themes in movies and television.

Conversation with Fat Willard had me thinking of something along those lines. So, to share with our new EC readers three of our favorite HHR segments - Ariel's pop culture prowess, the chief's knack for all that is wrong with those who make cash entertaining us, and Ren's Ten (ten items from a loosely related sports theme), the staff at HHR presents:

Actors who had no business playing the athlete roles they were cast in.


Let's address the obvious right away. Daniel E. 'Rudy' Ruettiger is listed at being 5'7". Sean "Lynn McGill" Astin is 5'6". Plus, [insert Notre Dame football joke here] the way the Irish are playing right now, a little-ball-of-go like Astin might be what the squad needs. Rudy, is not on this list.

Tom Cruise, All the Right Moves.

Don't get me wrong...helluva movie. But let's keep it real. At 5'7" with lifts and his Caucasian heritage, are you going to really try to sell me on Tom Cruise being a top college recruit vying for a scholarship? At d-back? At least they made up for it with realism in other casting with Craig T. Nelson as the obligatory evil high school football coach, Leah Thompson as the obligatory 80's high school sweetheart and the original Fat Willard, Chris Penn as the obligatory high school jock knocking up his main squeeze.

Pool hustler, fighter pilot, race car driver, I'm buying. Not this.

Stefen "Stef" Djordjevic

Speaking of evil coaches and short white footballers...

Scott Caan, Varsity Blues.

Dude's 5'4". He's the go-to-receiver from 37-year-old high school quarterback Dawson "Mox" Leary? Good actor, but stick with a drunken 5'4" bar fighter like in under-rated Dallas 362.

(It should be noted that in consulting with the HHR staff, many came to Tweeter's defense, citing his all-around toughness, and as the Rev. put it, "Especially considering he was playing through with multiple VD’s.")

Craig Sheffer, The Program

Here's a movie that my high school team would watch to get all jacked up before games (really). We would utter lines about knocking the snot bubbles out of our opponents, rounding up the doggies and one a-hole on our team actually tried the "laying on the yellow lines in the middle of a road" bit (I guess the distributer had a point when they had that scene pulled from the movie after it was released). Not a bad casting job all around. Lats was fantastic, as was Mack. I am guessing that Wesley Snipes was unavailable, so the part of Darnell Jefferson went to Omar Epps. However, their field general/Heisman hopeful part went to 33-year-old Craig Sheffer. At that age, Vincenzo Testaverde had already been on 17 pro teams. Let's just say Kane was not able.

Son, you're older than I am.

Ray Allen, He Got Game

Here's another case where the movie was good. But could you not find a better actor to line up opposite one of the best (albeit he plays himself in every film) actors of our generation in Denzel Washington besides Ray Allen? I mean sure, Jesus Shuttleworth (best movie name) - A for effort - but his acting was simply horrendous, and this is only magnified when you got him on screen with someone like Washington.

Jesuschristman! I can't work with you amateurs.

Matthew Modine, Vision Quest

Ok, you get to choose to believe one of these.

1) Matthew Modine is a champion high school wrestler
2) Matthew Modine can score with Linda Fiorentino

That's a trick question, you can't believe either. But not only does he wrestle, and get the hot older babe, he beats the neandethal Kuch an undefeated Drago-like monster who could pound him into chutney. He should stick to playing Doctors in sports movies (Any Given Sunday).

(Side note- Look up Vision Quest on IMDB. Under Plot Keywords the first phrase is "Male Nudity". Whhhaaaaa???)


Bill Bellamy, Any Given Sunday

At least Steamin' Willie Beaman's Jaime Foxx was a legitimate high school QB. Now, I have no knowledge as to Bellamy's athletic history, but what the hell - was Todd Pinkston not available? Bad enough you have a 70 year old LT playing the defensive leader of your squad.


Ken "Wiseguy" Wahl, The Wanderers

Yeah I know, not a sports movie. So how do gangs agree to settle disputes with pressure from local mafioso big wigs on a football field in the climactic ending? The gangs just happen to have some neighborhood teams they toss together, including some killer cheerleaders on the Del Bombers' sideline. This movie was so ridiculous that I loved it. But what an unathletic bunch, lead by Wahl.

Anthony Perkins, Fear Strikes Out

Not taking anything away from Perkins, because he is a fine actor. But he is terrible at pretending to be a ballplayer. Check the clip for Perkins 'swing' and his sprint around the bases.



Another reason people discredit Perkins in the role is because...well...I'll let Jimmy himself explain that one...

He seems like his head is on straight these days though.

Adam Sandler, The Longest Yard (2005)

The original is a favorite of mine. Like many, I feel this movie should have never been remade. Worse than that, how do you replace an icon of masculinity like Burt Reynolds with an icon of lunacy and baby-talk like the Excited Southerner? Hibbity, hibbity hoo.

Photo: trendhunter.com / Direct TV

Oliver Platt, Ready to Rumble

It's hard discussing this movie because in my mind it doesn't exist. But if it did, this is how it went down:

Studio Exec 1- "What's hot right now?"

Studio Exec 2- "Wresting is pretty hot. Let's try and make some money off the idiot imbreds that think its real."

Studio Exec 1- "Sounds good. What do we do?"

Studio Exec 2- Wellllll, it seems simple from what I have seen. The champ gets screwed by the promoter and another guy who wants to be champ. He gets mad and retires...better yet...goes into hiding he is so embarrassed.

Studio Exec 1- Wait, why would he hide, it's wrestling, it all fixed. He doesn't really lose anything.

Studio Exec 2- I know...but it doesn't matter...Anyway, he goes and hides and these two loveable wrestling fan idiots find him and make him comeback to retain his title.

Studio Exec 1- That is easily the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I love it. Who could we get to play the loveable losers.

Studio Exec 2- Hmmmm....How about David Arquette?

Studio Exec 1- LOVE IT!!! Who else?

Studio Exec 2- Hmmmmm.....Scott Caan?

Studio Exec 1- Jimmy Caan's kid? Isn't he like 5'1? I can maybe see him as a WR or maybe a....

Studio Exec 2- Trust me, the kids love him. And I got the perfect guy for the Champ. This guy is 100% man. He is a great actor. He looks like an adonis. Chiseled from stone. Catches lighting in a bottle. You see this guy, you think "championship wrestler"

Studio Exec 1- "Tell me, Tell me...christ you got me all moist."

Studio Exec 2- "Oliver Platt."

Today, we'd like to wish our favorite aged athletes out there a very heartfelt "Happy Veteran's Day."

Here's to you, old crafty vets.


In seriousness, the staff of HHR thanks all our current and former servicemen and women whose sacrifice has allowed us the freedom to spew our babble on this forum day-in and day-out (among the many others we are blessed with).

Drew Sharp woke up with a vision that only the Lord Almighty could place in his head and wrote an article that must have taken restless hours on why the Lions should have picked Adrian Peterson rather than Calvin Johnson. An article that any of the newspapers of the six teams prior to Minnesota could write, but Sharp got wrong.

Sadly, the Detroit Free Press probably paid him for the article.

Hey Drew, swallow some of your own advise and “Take a step back … and try looking at this matter objectivity.”

Read the headline of article next to yours: Why Detroit ran the ball just eight times. Guess what? It wasn’t because of the running backs. It was because of the game plan. The same game plan Mike Martz always uses: pass first. I think you forgot to account for that in your article Mr. Hindsight

Before the draft, the Lions had Roy Williams as No. 1 option and Furrey in the slot, a dominant WR made sense especially since he was hands down the No. 1 pre-draft player. You missed the history in your article Mr. 20/20.

Have you seen the left side of Minnesota’s O-Line: Birk, Hutchinson, McKinnie? Considering you write for Michigan newspaper, you may be familiar with Steven Hutchinson (UofM) who paved the way for Shawn Alexander to win the MVP and led them to the Super Bowl in Detroit. You remember him Sultan of Insight?

Photo: SeattlePI

Maybe you would notice the issue of the offensive line further since the Lions haven’t had an effective one in roughly seven years. On top of that is the story of RB Tatum Bell, who the Lions acquired prior to the draft. You will notice he is not the same back after leaving Denver’s O-Line for Detroit’s. You ever notice that Dr. Obvious?

Now let’s discuss Calvin Johnson. Other than Adrian Peterson, is there another rookie skilled position player better than Calvin Johnson? Have you seen his catches? Have you seen what that has done to open Roy Williams? Have you seen he is averaging 17 yrds/ catch? Do you remember the run he had last week? Did you catch that Eagle Eye?

Next time you try to write a no-brainer article on why a team should have drafted the current best rookie, maybe you should take a step back and think it through a little more.

-posted by C.R. Dunbar

This was an email forwarded to me by my close (but gloating) Sox friend Bosis. I found it amusing. FYI to Sox Nation- If the Yanks do eventually return to a World Series and actually win, Sox fans are in for a ton a shit. It's not going to be pretty. This man crush the media has on all things Boston related is just aggitating now. And payback won't even be clever like this email. It will just be a solid punch to the face. Your mom won't even see it coming.

NEW YORK YANKEES TO BOSTON RED SOX CONVERSION FORM

Thank you for your interest in becoming a member of the Boston Red Sox Fan Club. Due to an unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently processing only fan conversion registrations for New York Yankee fans. Conversion requests from other teams will be accepted once all Yankee requests are processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based upon the current backlog of requests.

Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below to help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover from > your previous fan experience.

Name: _______________________________
Address:______________________________
Who's Your Daddy: ____________________

1. Please select your favorite recent Yankee new player acquisition:
[ ] Roger Clemens $20 million, six wins, one groin pull
[ ] Alex Rodriquez $92 million, no title, Ha!
[ ] Derek Jeter $123 million since last won world series
[ ] Jason Giambi $91 million, no title, lots of roid sweat
[ ] Carl Pavano $27 million, five wins

2. Which of the following would you most like to see as the most played
YES Network "Great Moments in Yankee History" film clip in 2008:
[ ] Rivera's "shocking" blown save in Game 4, 2004
[ ] Rivera's "shocking" blown save in Game 5, 2004
[ ] The awesome wild card clincher celebration
[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 1
[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 2
[ ] Jeter's first GIDP
[ ] Jeter's second GIDP
[ ] Jeter's third GIDP

3. Please indicate the last book you read:
[ ] Someday, in my lifetime, the Yankees will get to the LCS
[ ] Suicide Hotline - It's not just for Cubs' fans anymore
[ ] The Heimlich Maneuver -- What to do when choking

4. Which recent Yankees personnel move did you enjoy most:
[ ] Not winning the posting for Matsuzaka
[ ] Winning the posting for Kei Igawa

5. Which following designation best describes Derek Jeter's performance in this year's ALDS:
[ ] Captain Intangibles
[ ] Captain GIDP
[ ] Captain & Tenille

6. Please choose your favorite movie:
[ ] Anger Management
[ ] Hunt for Red October
[ ] Damned Yankees
[ ] Still We Believe

7. Finish this sentence: "Alex Rodriquez is
a. overrated
b. overpaid
c. overdue
d. overly prissy
e. over

8. Select the most vociferous, stupid, and annoying Yankee fan:
[ ] Washed up "comic" hack and Yanks personal ballwasher Billy Crystal
[ ] Front-running celebrity phony Jack Nicholson
[ ] Tim McCarver

9 .Are you ready to admit that:
a. Ted Williams was better than Joe DiMaggio?
b. Carlton Fisk was better than Thurman Munson?
c. Even Manny Ramirez is faster than Bernie Williams?
d. Reggie Jackson was a better outfielder than Matsui?
e. Derek Jeter has less range than a kumquat
f. No self-respecting parasite would invade Jason Giambi?

10. Please indicate your favorite moments in Yankee history: (Check all that apply):
[ ] Alex Rodriquez is traded to the Yankees
[ ] Don Mattingly never wins a World Series
[ ] The Yankees let Clemens get away
[ ] The Yankees get Clemens back
[ ] Giambi's steroid abuse causes his body to collapse like a screen door in a hurricane.
[ ] The bugs eat Joba

11 . Have you experienced any of the following after the embarrassing four
game collapse? (Check all that apply)
[ ] Headache
[ ] Uncontrol led An ger
[ ] Heartache
[ ] Holes punched in doors or walls
[ ] Nausea
[ ] Smashed TV screens
[ ] Depression and Broken Dreams
[ ] Avoided Red Sox fans for days or weeks

Once you have completed this form, please forward it to Fenway Park. Then burn all your remaining Yankee clothing, memorabilia, and associated reminders. After reviewing your request, the Red Sox Fan Club will contact you with notification of acceptance or rejection.

I hereby acknowledge that the real "curse" is being a Yankee Fan.

I hereby renounce the New York Yankees for all eternity on this the ______
day of ________________, 200__

(This is a credit to whoever wrote this email. Well done. Douche)

A weekly NHL recap from the guys at Popjocks




Puttin' on the Foil- A weekly NHL recap

(Editor's Note- Not sure what's more impressive, the weekly breakdown or the fact they find a new Hanson Brothers/Slapshot pic every week)

Selena Roberts leads the ESPN News Team.

On this morning's Sports Reporters, the NYT's Selena Roberts opined on the fact that an Oregon/Kansas BCS Championship would be a match-up that no one in the country would shive a git about, and as such, diminishes the legitimacy of the whole BCS system. It seems everyone has an opinion on the BCS, but say what you will, this season's college football season has been nothing short of spectacular. Honestly, it's nice to see the South Florida's go on a run, only to be jerked back down to earth. Similarly, it's cool to see the Oregons, the Kansases and the Hawaiis get some pub.

Here's the point, if the system is uniform across the board, I have no problem seeing some new faces make a run or two on New Years. Boise State last year shut a lot of mouths. However, to say that the fact that no one cares about a championship game diminishes the whole league's system and the sport itself cannot be a statement made in a vacuum.

Show of hands, how many cared to watch the Red Sox slaughter the Rockies? Who can name the last 3 NHL champs? Does lack of public interest in these sports' respective championships diminish their luster?

The Reverend may not want to be a Notre Dame hater, but others at HHR don't mind.



-posted by C.R. Dunbar

I am fine with fantasy experts. It shouldn’t really be a profession because it’s such a crap shoot but if someone is ‘talented’ enough to convince a million dollar company to hire him for his expertise on an activity that takes as much skill, strategy and dumb luck as checkers, well good for that individual.

Nothing is worse than an expert saying one of your guys will have a big day. They are having a good season and then someone notices and its four straight weeks of no catches or 40 yards on 20 carries. It’s like dating the town whore. She nails anyone with a debit card but decides you are the guy she wants to “turn over a new leaf with.” Blue Balls, party of two, your table is now ready. (Case in point, LT is having a fantastic ‘town whore’ season. Ask his first time owners)

That brings us to ole’ margarine mouth himself: Peter King. (How do you like that segway?—smooth). This season SI.com has ‘gently forced’ him to make weekly fantasy picks. He probably said no thinking it would harm his reputation (and he was right) but then when the company that signs your paycheck pushes enough you basically have to submit to their wishes.

That brings us to this week. King decided to highlight Marshawn Lynch and JP Losman as his ‘good picks this week.’ Both of which I am depending on to guide me to a win, keep me alive for the playoffs and salvage an otherwise terrible season.

If he stays true to form, King has just kicked me squarely in the nuts.

Jesus Christ has it come to that? Banking on Losman and the Buffalo Bills? Seriously, Pete, just kick again for good measure. I have a date with the town whore I am not going to need them anyway.

HHR went 6-4 again last week. Of the 4 losses, three were decided by five points or less. So inch by inch, I feel that we’re pulling closer and closer back to respectability.

Despite losing four games last week, count me as pleased that Notre Dame was one of the four. I’m not a complete Irish hater, but I think it was absolutely remarkable to see Navy win for once in this series. Anyway, on to this week’s picks. Again, several key matchups are on tap this week, and I feel like I’m sticking my neck out on the line picking so many teams on the road …

"And if you don't like the Rev's picks, I got two words for ya..."

10 points: USC (7-2) at Cal (6-3): Cal’s season has gone from the sublime to the sewer in just a matter of weeks. They’ve lost 3 straight and are staring down no. 4 directly in the face as the Men of Troy invade Berkeley this weekend. USC hasn’t played up to their usual form, what with QB injuries and possible NCAA sanctions coming down the pike, but they are still one of the most talented teams in the country. I think Cal’s spiral downward continues tomorrow with the Trojans winning by 10 points or more.

9 points: KANSAS (9-0) at Oklahoma State (5-4): Just in case you weren’t watching, the Jayhawks hung 76 points on Nebraska last week to win going away. Kansas is 9-0 for the first time in who knows how long and should be 10-0 after this game. However, watching Lou “Mushmouth” Holtz’s pep talk during last night’s UL-WVU game, ol’ coach brought up an interesting point: the best team Kansas has beaten this year already has 4 losses (both Texas A&M and Kansas State).

8 points: FLORIDA (6-3) at South Carolina (6-4): Three weeks ago, the ol’ Ball Coach had So. Carolina sitting pretty atop the SEC East at 6-1. Since then, they’ve dropped three straight to Vandy, Tennessee, and Arkansas to fall right back in the cellar. Florida will keep them there this weekend.

7 points: Connecticut (8-1) at Cincinnati (7-2): Somebody beat UConn, please. I still have a bad taste in my mouth from the fair catch that wasn’t against Louisville. I’m a sore loser.

6 points: AUBURN (7-3) at Georgia (7-2): This game was memorable last year for Auburn QB Brandon Cox suffering a complete physical and mental breakdown against the Dawgs. He completed only 4 of 12 passes for 35 yards, was picked 4 times and had one pick run back for a score. In short, this wasn’t his best game last year.

5 points: Florida State (6-3) at VA TECH (7-2): FSU proved there’s still some life left in the program with last week’s convincing win in Chestnut Hill against previously unbeaten #2 Boston College. However, if this week holds to form, FSU will regress tremendously, turning the ball over at will and letting the Hokies run roughshod over their once-vaunted defense. If I were a betting man, I would stay as far away from this Seminole’s team as possible.

4 points: Texas Tech (7-3) at TEXAS (8-2): Everything’s bigger in Texas, just as the final score will be after this one’s through. “Guns Up” vs. “Hook ‘Em Horns” - lots and lots of points to be scored for sure.

3 points: Illinois (7-3) at OHIO STATE (10-0): In this, the year of the upset, tomorrow’s game could be a huge trap for Ohio State. I have a creeping suspicion that the Zooker and his Illini troops might be able to pull of a shocker here. But for the record, I’m taking the Buckeyes since they’ll be playing at home and with a chance to enter their upcoming game against Michigan undefeated and in the lead for the Big Ten title.

2 points: Wake Forest (6-3) at CLEMSON (7-2): With BC losing last week, the ACC is still up for grabs. By the way, the loser fades off into ACC irrelevancy, which Clemson has branded, trademarked and copyrighted the past several years or so.

1 point: MICHIGAN (8-2) at Wisconsin (7-3): How about Michigan bouncing back from an 0-2 start that would have killed most other teams (see: Notre Dame, 2007 edition). They’re ranked #14 in the country and are tied with Ohio State for top honors in the Big Ten. But like their hated rival Buckeyes, the Wolverines face some kind of a trap game this weekend. Check that – it’s not a trap game, it’s a tough opponent playing at home with nothing left to lose this season. The Wolverines will be in for a big battle in Madison tomorrow.

Season Record: 50-41

Lindros announces retirement (and that he refuses to play for the Nordiques this season and fish have feelings like people)
(Let this be a lesson to you kids about the dangers of concussions)

Clemens eyes Astros — for (next fake) retirement (hand)job

McNabb says he's 'not fully to blame' for 3-5 (Reid and crack head kids are partly responsible)

Dodgers introduce Torre after 'whirlwind' ride (on Ventura Freeway with the top down and the wind gusting through our hair like high school seniors on the last day of…wait..what the hell was I talking about?)

Kobe, Lakers make Jazz latest victim (of rape…errr..consensual sex)

Brady’s clutch play (of Gisele’s meat curtains) cements his M(ost)V(aluable)P(enis) status

Johnson wins third straight (night), takes (poonani) Chase lead

Yanks ready to sweeten Posada offer (dinner, The Notebook AND a sensual massage)

Tampa Bay ends deal with the Devil (but God and bad decisions will ensure they suck for years to come)

Shula softens (stool and) stance (with some fig spread on nice soft wheat bread)

(Yahoo! TV)

Mr. Mackey says drugs are bad. Mike Golic didn't listen.

Our friends at Awful Announcing pointed out something I must have missed yesterday morning...

Apparently Mike Golic played around with the roids back in the day. Not sustained use, but just wet his whistle a bit.

While I am not shocked, I am slightly disappointed. It's becoming quite obvious that steroid use among athletes is as common as binge drinking on college-campuses... whether or not you make a "career" out of it, you definitely have tried it once or twice. I am glad Golic had an adverse reaction, because it would affect his day job immensely. However, I could see how this can at least help him speak intelligently on the reasons why athletes feel pressured to use the drugs in the first place. And that is a discussion that is for another blog, another day.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I have a theory. The Four Letter ranks not according to strength, but instead bases its rankings on whether or not the team name is an animal. Look at the evidence: only 3 teams in the top 16 have animal names, and 12 of the bottom 16 are animal-related. 13 if you count the Texan's logo. Some may say that it is merely a coincidence that the animal-themed teams have lousy records this year, but I say that totally blows a hole into my argument and therefore won't be tolerated. How I roll.

(click for a closer look)

This week's hug-able midweek links, in no particular order...

• Totally Un-Sports Related Awesomeness: Best show ever made even better (Pop Jocks)

• Only 10?: Top 10 Scapegoats for the Eagles Season (Five Tool Tool)

• Gilbert being Gilbert: Free agent signings that won't happen (Obscure Sports Quarterly)

• At least this sure to-be-overpaid-bust comes with eye candy: Kris Benson - Phuture Phillie? (We Should Be GMs)

• Johnny Baseball - "John Mattingly": DOG-isms/Mispronounced Names Vol. II (mikefrancesa.com) I check this page as often as possible when in need of a good laugh.
  

• LA Breakers: Small Team Hopes for Big Kobe Dream (The Serious Tip/Epic Carnival)

• Sage Steele (Porn Name): Q&A with ESPN Reporter/Anchor Sage Steele - Part One (Scott Van Pelt Style)

• Well Deserved (Check out the EXCELLENT FNL piece I wanted to link last week): Shorty Goes National! (Milk Was a Bad Choice)

• Wait, he wasn't already?: Damn you, future! Lindros set to retire. (The 700 Level)

• Spread the Clap: Hall & Oates Say: Way To Go Adrian! (Stuart Scott’s Lazy Eye)

Dancing with the Stars, recap:

Jane Seymour was ousted on last night's DWTS. While I thought it might be Cameron, Jane's lackluster dances and low scores paved the way for her trip home. It's nice to see that the fans can identify talent. Now we just have to do something about Marie Osmond...

Biggest Loser, recap:

Hey, NBC, you're a little late to the "green" bandwagon.... just an fyi.

So Biggest Loser went green last night... meaning that they gave you random recycling tips during commerical break, turned off the power in the gym, and gave away two Ford Escape Hybrids to the duo who won the challenge.

Yes, I said Duo. Now that we're down to 10 losers, the trios were split up and put into duos. Nicole won the chance to choose her duo, and then together they chose the next duo, who chose the next, and so on. We ended up with these teams - Nicole and Neil, Ryan and Isabeau, Julie and Bill, Hollie and B, and Kae and Amy. Kae was none too happy to have Amy on her team... Amy has a big mouth, but doesn't put all the effort into the game as Kae does. Plus, Kae wasn't too happy to be on a team with someone who wanted to kick her off last week...

For the challenge, the losers had to fill up a bin with as many soda cans as possible in 30 minutes. The duo with the most cans (by weight) won. The catch was that the cans were 100 yards or so away from the bins, and you had to run up ramp in order to dump your cans into the bin below.

Bill and Julie were able to dump a whopping 90-something pounds of cans, and won the challenge and the cars.

On to the weigh-in. This is sort of make or break for B because he is the only member of the red team left. If he gets sent packing, so does Kim... which is a bit sad even though she really annoys me at times. So all the duos put up pretty good numbers... doesn't seem like there is any game play this week, and as the teams get smaller and smaller each week, this sort of game play would be risky.

Isabeau and Ryan fall below the yellow line, and face elimination. Because of the breakdown of the teams, it's easy to see that Ryan is likely to go... there are still 4 members of the Black team and Amy aligns with them now making it a 4-3-1 deal as far as alliances are concerned. Kae and Amy vote for Ryan... B and Hollie vote for Ryan.... then it comes to Nicole and Neil, who also vote for Ryan. Some might see it as a dick move, but he was going home anyway, because the last team to vote was Bill amd Julie and they certainly weren't voting for Isabeau. Neil will definitely keep his bad wrap because he was the one who explained their vote, but he has the best chance at winning this thing because he always puts up the biggest numbers at weigh in.

Next week, the duos become singles, and it's every man for themselves. It'll be interesting to see how the "team" mentality changes now that the contestants have no one else to rely on.

Note to the ladies - if you band together, and vote as a team, then there is a better chance that a woman will finally win this show...

Welcome back, Koy. Long overdue.

From Creed Thoughts:

When I trick-or-treat, I always wear a full facemask so nobody knows how old I am. This year I went as classic Montreal Canadiens hockey goalie Jacques Plante. You’re always good to go when you’re dressed as a famous former athlete. People revere athletes. They love giving them candy. To further get around the age issue, I pretended I was a deaf-mute version of Jacques Plante so nobody could hear my voice. That really made the difference. I carried around a note to explain the whole thing.

Dear Person,

Happy Halloween. I’m a deaf-mute, which is why I can’t say trick-or-treat. I still want your candy though, so please dump it in my bag. You may want to give me double if you feel guilty about my disability.

Peace and love,
Former Montreal Canadiens Hockey Goalie Jacques Plante

One guy thought I was actually Jacques Plante and he wouldn’t give me anything. I guess he was a big Maple Leafs fan.

What LA Said

What LA Meant


Did they miss anything? Let us know.

Some notable suggestions:

"Can't Spell Joe Torre without J-E-T-E-R (and some other letters too)" (the chief)
"Screw you, Lasorda" (Fat Willard)

Georgia loves being #1 when it comes to going #1.

Back in September, CNN/Health noted a study indicating Men more likely not to wash after bathroom use, noting "Atlanta's Turner Field baseball stadium again was the worst. Only 57 percent of guys there washed up, compared to 95 percent of women."

Well, folks, the dirty south is back up to their dirty ways.

UGA asks stadium fans not to flush

"...part of the university's "Every Drop Counts" water conservation effort in the drought that's struck Georgia and much of the Southeast."

Bigs ups for a helluva campaign name, especially in relation to going #1.

Happy Election Day everyone... I began the joyful democratic process last night, as I casted all 6 of my eligible votes for Jenny Garth on DWTS. Yes, I am a loser.

With 6 contestants left to go, it's really anyone's game. Last night the contestants were tasked with completing two full routines.

Mel B is stepping in where Sabrina left off. Both of her dances were great, and her Paso was powerful and strong. Another perfect 30 from the judges solidified her position in the top spot on the leader board for the night.

Jenny Garth danced what I thought was a beautiful Viennese Waltz, though the judges didn't love it. Her second dance, the Rumba, was very passionate, and was well received.

Helio did a wonderful Samba, though the judges were a bit hard on him for his Tango.

Marie's Quick Step gained a lot of praise, though her Cha Cha Cha left much to be desired.

Cameron did a good job, but I don't think he has enough of a fan base to keep him on the show much longer.

Jane is gorgeous, has a beautiful (though thin) body, and dances with so much grace. She just isn't explosive or exciting enough, but probably has enough fans to keep her here another week.

My pick for the final three - Jenny, Helio, Mel B.

I think Cameron is gone tonight.

This weekend we got a chuckle out of Desmond Howard pulling his best C.R. Dunbar. (Understanding this was based off of mere, common Michigan talking points).

As we saw on our favorite sight, SPORTSbyBROOKS, a major publication seems to be ripping off another HHR staffer.

The chief's Power Rankings has quickly become a favorite both here at HHR and at Epic Carnival. Clearly, this is unacceptable. But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And at least they are carving up their own work and not that of 'Ol Butter Teeth and the Bristol crew.

The chief vows "swift and sarcastic retaliation."

Check out our new feature at Epic Carnival, The 4th Estate Graffiti: A Jackson Pollack of Sarcasm.

Click on the logo to check it out...

Navy cancels classes to celebrate win over ND

ANNAPOLIS, Md. (AP) -- The Naval Academy canceled classes Monday, giving the 4,400 midshipmen another day to celebrate the football team's first victory over Notre Dame in 44 tries.

I am a Notre Dame fan. I am not sure it can get much worse.

Unless they lose to 1-8 Duke. Then Touchdown Jesus might even transfer.

Dennis Miller is trying another vehicle for his sarcastic dry humor.

Dennis Miller is a funny dude, or at least he was in 1987 when he had a mullet and did the weekend update on SNL. After numerous failed attempts at different shows and venues to opine and amuse, he returns to television to give us what seems to be weekly Soup-like updates on the wide-world of sports.

Den, Denny, the Denster, please, save us all and go back and review what didn't work about your brilliant spin on Monday Night Football, or your stab at political commentary. Ren and I are lucky enough to get Versus on our cable listing, so I'll definitely be checking it out. If nothing else it may provide fodder for another weekly column here at HHR.

I have the over/under set at 6 episodes. Any takers?

I hate Croatian Nazis.

Croatian football fans 'used Nazi symbols' during matches

Gruppenfuhrer, get that blogger's plate number. We're gonna kill that son of a bitch.

The f*cking nazi party.

First, I’d like to thank the guys at HHR for giving this little girl a chance. It’s an honor to be here, but it’s also an honor I feel I’ve earned. I am hoping this turns into a regular feature where I can voice my opinion on a myriad of different sports topics.

Now that all the dust as settled, I’d like to discuss the hiring of Joe Girardi as manager of the New York Yankees. I first met Joe in 1995 when he was traded to the New York Yankees from the Colorado Rockies for a bag of baseballs labeled ‘Mike DeJean’ with a black Sharpie. Joe was so nice to me the first time we met he….he…(hold yourself together Suze. This is a new audience, they don’t know you yet.)

He was so nice that he told me…..BAWWWWW HAAAAAAA…..(sobbbbbb)….he told me anytime I needed an interview he would oblige. What a great, great guy.

(Sniff. Sniff.)

I remember when he left the Yankees to return to his original team the Cubbies in 2000. It was so hard on his family. They came with him to pack his locker after the season and…..(it hurts. Eyes hurt. Holding it in.) They did fine that day and so did I.

As a Cub, Girardi announced to the fans at Wrigley Field that the game on June 22, 2002 versus the Cardinals had been canceled, though he did not announce that the cancellation was prompted by Darryl Kile's passing. (Good job Suze, Kile wasn’t a Yankee, he doesn’t deserve your tears.)

This past season, I had the chance to work with Girardi on a professional level while he was with the YES Network. We would get together after I finally cornered him by the buffet table and we would discuss the team and all of the stats and information I screwed up on the radio on a daily basis.

Joe was there the game Roger Clemens showed up in George Steinbrenner’s booth and he……well it was a……and….(come on Suze…..COME ON….think happy thoughts. Yankee baseball. Broadway show tunes. Sitting around as a kid watching the games on WPIX with dad. Laughing at the playful banter between Bill White and Phil Rizz…Phil Ri…zzu…to OH GOD SCOOTER YOU WENT TOO SOON!!!!!!!)

Well, I wish Joe the best of luck. Next week, I will discuss Joe Torre’s hiring in LA and taking Bowa and Donnie Baseball with him…and….

(Oh god….)

Till next time,

Suzyn Waldman

The week in the NHL compliments of the guys at Popjocks

Puttin' On the Foil - A Weekly NHL Recap 11/4

Yeah, the 'Boys spanked the Birds (as expected). But here's a little advice for Tony Romo courtesy of Uncle Buck:

Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.


Hey, look, we try to keep things positive here at HHR. But, we've come to the realization that maybe he's a good quarterback. But he's a Cowboy. And he's starting to slowly climb his dating prowess up to Brady-like status, though he's not quite there yet. And we just can't let him get a Peter King-like pass and anoint his ass. If you want to crown him, then crown his ass.

You bastards!

From Yahoo! Sports:

Nothing sacred when Philly plays Dallas

A blog item on the Dallas Morning News website reminded everyone there is not a great deal love or respect between Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys fans.

A Dallas fan noted he saw a free publication called Philadelphia Weekly that had someone dressed up as Andy Reid holding a poster that said "Dallas Sucks'' on the front page.

The accompanying article noted how the writer felt about the city of Dallas: "For one, they killed Kennedy. For two, T.O. lives and plays there. Need we go on?''

Oh how this rivalry fires people up.

Our friends at The 700 Level point out a piece from MySanAntonio.com (Owens rips Eagles on way to Philly):

Two days after saying his feud with Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was a thing of the past, the Dallas Cowboys receiver took repeated shots on his weekly radio show at McNabb and his former team.

"It's so evident that ever since I left nothing's been going right there," said Owens, ignoring the fact Philadelphia won the NFC East title last season. "I'm not saying I'm the sole reason, but when I was there we were very successful. Now it seems like everything's snowballing.

700: Newsflash buddy, things started snowballing when you were here, in large part because of your BS. I love how these guys forget that the Eagles have owned them for years.

Our buddy Eric at phillyBurb's Camel Clutch has a little fun with a Cowboys fan just in time for Sunday's NFC East match up.

Well worth the click: Fun with a Cowboys fan

Check out our new feature at Epic Carnival, The 4th Estate Graffiti: A Jackson Pollack of Sarcasm.

Click on the logo to check it out...

On this morning's College GameDay, The Heisman Pose basically summed up Dunbar's thoughts on the Michigan/Michigan State "rivalry" posted here. I swear if Howard hadn't mentioned something about a white dude dancing at a party or something off the wall and borderline inappropriate like that, I'd have thought he was reading it straight from our pages.

(Photo: ESPN.com)

With Ren unpacking his baseball card goodies and the fact that I stepped foot in a baseball card store for the first time in about 10 years yesterday (more on that in another post) I decided to go back to one of the earlier posts on HHR. I had the chance to interview former Beckett kid author Tommy Wheatley.

Click here to read the interview.

"Von? Ed Werder, here. Can I get my mustache back?"

Farrell declines chance to interview with Pirates

from ESPN.com - MLB by ESPN.com news services

What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.

Having become a home owner, my parents have finally come clean on their word to throw out all my old crap unless I move it out in a timely manner. By old crap, they primarily mean my card collection.

After going through the first box of randomness (very few of my cards are in any particular order - something I have vowed to tackle with the relocation process), the following 10 were all found in the same container. It gave me an idea to periodically (ie as I go through them) put together topical lists of the cards I find.

This first list is comprised of former players who have gone on to become commentators in some capacity.

Section 1: Locals and Fringe Commentators

Player: Dave Gallagher
Station: Comcast SportsNet Philadelphia
Notes: While this is a stretch, Gally is probably somewhat well-known (and dare I say respected? - ok that's a stretch) in the Philadelphia sports area, and has contributed to Comcast Phillies coverage throughout the season. The native Trentonian fits right in with his Philadelphia/Southern Jersey drawl that is hard to ignore.
Card: 1991 Topps #349

Player: Mitch Williams
Station: Comcast SportsNet Philadelphia (Daily News Live, Postgame Live), WIP Morning Show (contributer)
Notes: Mitchy Poo recast himself as a straight-shooter in the Philadelphia market and regularly makes light of his infamous pitch to Joe Carter in Game 6 of the 1993 Series.
Card: 1992 Score (Dream Team insert) #892

Player: Mike Pagliarulo
Station: DugoutCentral.com
Notes: Hates Billy Beane.
Card: 1992 Fleer #216

Section 2: Big Boys

Player: Howie Long
Station: FOX (NFL)
Notes: Amazing that a former NFL lineman (and a good one at that) and actor (and a failed one at that) is the brains behind your football coverage.
Card: 1992 Score #299

Yes, that's Rony Rebound he's taking it to.

Player: Brad Daugherty
Station: ESPN (NASCAR Now, NASCAR Countdown)
Notes: Says HHR resident NASCAR expert Rusty: He's still learning, but he's decent. Even though he's a Tarheel, I try to ignore that fact since he doesn't report on basketball. It's NC, home of NASCAR, birthplace of NASCAR, so I'll allow it.
Card: 1992 NBA Hoops #38

Player: Eric Young
Station: ESPN (Baseball Tonight)
Notes: HHR are NOT big fans. Bring back the Patron Saint.
Card: 1991 Line Drive #548


Player: Merril Hoge
Station: ESPN (NFL), ESPN2 (College Football)
Notes: Snappy dresser, snappier commentator. Nice transition.
Card: 1990 Pro Set Collect-A-Books #NA

Player: Mark Gubicza
Station: FSN West (MLB Analyst)
Notes: Despite the card listing Phila, PA as his hometown, Wiki tells us he is another Trenton-native, which scores points with the HHR team. Not nearly as many points, however, as his mullet which in our humble opinion would make Barry Melrose weap.
Card: 1992 Pinnacle #102.

Player: Greg Anthony
Station: ESPN & ABC (NBA)
Notes: Another great transition. Insightful and intelligent. Forever working feverishly to get from under Grandmama's shadow.
Card: 1994 Upper Deck #292

Section 3: Because It's "Ren's Ten," not "Ren's Nine"

Player: The Splendid Splinter
Station: Paperback: The Science of Hitting
Notes: Something tells me the frozen head would be proud.
Card: 1991 Line Drive #348

We’re getting closer and closer to the end of college football season, so it should come as no surprise that the games get a little bit harder to pick. But the mental gymnastics this slate just put me through have me wishing I was back with Dunbar poring over horse racing sheets. I think the ponies give me a better chance than these games do.

(Which just in case nobody was watching, Dunbar nailed the Breeders’ Cup Classic with his pick on Curlin to win, and the ol’ Rev himself scored on the Distaff with Ginger Punch. Pats on the back welcome and appreciated.)

The picks went 6-4 last week – a win’s a win, but I was hoping and praying it would be much higher than that. There’s nothing else to say except that I continue to be baffled by college football this year.

10 points: Wisconsin (7-2) at OHIO STATE (9-0): I should have more to say about a 10 point game, but O-H-I-O can’t lose right now. Moving on …

9 points: Arizona State (8-0) at OREGON (7-1): Wow – an exciting game in the PAC-10 that does not involve USC. With apologies to some of our readers, it was time for all of us East Coast-loving sports fans to ignore another top ranked team out west. But in all seriousness, the winner of this game could sneak their way in to the national championship game – with a loss or two by other higher-ranked teams, of course.

8 points: MICHIGAN (7-2) at Michigan State (5-4): Michigan State is doing what they always do – start off the season red-hot (read: beat up on non-conference opponents) and then completely fold down the stretch (i.e., resume whipping-boy status in the Big Ten).

7 points: Nebraska (4-5) at KANSAS (8-0): The Bill Callahan Farewell Tour makes its way through Lawrence, KS this weekend. Waiting for them there: an 8-0 Kansas Jayhawks team and their coach Mark Mangino, a charter member of the Ralph Friedgen All-Stars.

(Photo: ku.edu)

6 points: Rutgers (5-3) at UCONN (7-1): I’m only satisfied with an 8, 9 or 10 win season by UConn’s football team if that means their men’s basketball team will completely suck this coming year.

5 points: LSU (7-1) at Alabama (6-2): Alabama coach Nick Saban squares off for the first time against his old team, LSU, in a game that has important implications for the SEC West title. I would not be completely surprised to see ‘Bama spring the upset.

4 points: Cincinnati (6-2) at SO. FLORIDA (6-2): A tale of two teams heading in the wrong direction. Both enter tomorrow’s game sporting two-game conference losing streaks. So for the loser, that will mean a three-game conference losing streak a “Thanks for Playing!” gift basket as they head off to whatever irrelevant bowl is being hosted in boomtowns like Birmingham or El Paso.

3 points: Florida State (5-3) at BOSTON COLLEGE (8-0): Retire already. You know who you are.

2 points: Navy (4-4) at NOTRE DAME (1-7): As much as I would LOVE to see the Middies beat Notre Dame, history is clearly not on their side. Notre Dame has beaten Navy 43 straight times, and will most likely make it 44 on Saturday.

1 point: WAKE FOREST (6-2) at Virginia (7-2): Wake Forest has bounced back nicely after a couple early losses and is still a lurking dark horse in the ACC title picture, for whatever that’s worth. Virginia is right there with them, but they tend to quit when the going gets tough. Just like one of their most famous football alums:

(Photo: Business Week)

Season Record: 44-37

-posted by Rev. Shaw Moore

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