Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Super Bowl rule

I am starting to hate the Super Bowl. Not the game itself but everything that surrounds it. It began as a sporting event and evolved into a party/get together. Everyone throws a party, trying to top everyone else. It's the third most popular drinking night behind the night before Thanksgiving and New Years Eve.

It's turned into a hassle.

In honor of the Super Bowl and super fans everywhere I, Fat Willard, am instituting a new rule. One unbreakable rule that shall be honored by all party throwers, parents, friends, relatives, co-workers, or those buying only cubed cheese platters and inviting three people and calling it a party.

First off,let me explain the origin of this rule. For the first time in seven years, my beloved New York football Giants are in the Super Bowl. In November, my uncle (Eagles Fan) purchased a large, flat panel television on which you can see the exact space, in inches, between Michael Strahan's teeth and the Green Bay Bikini girls looked semi-bonable. (Quick side rule: Never date a woman who will wear a bikini in the -3 Green Bay weather. She is crazy. You will forget to smile one afternoon and find yourself hanging pantless from the back of a Chevy Tahoe as Carrie Underwood's 'Before he cheats' blares repeatedly from the radio.) My dad (also a Jints fan) after seeing the television made a 'we are watching the Super Bowl over here' joke and we all laughed. Over the holidays (and three pints of Egg Nog laced with Bailey's Irish Cream) the idea was again mentioned. My father and I both agreed we'd watch the game over my uncle's house with my uncle, aunt (Eagles fan) and cousin (Raiders fan....yes, seriously.)

Fast forward to Sunday night. In the midst of celebrating I get a text from my cousin saying 'congratulations, don't forget the super bowl party.'


So, with that huge buildup and explanation, we come to what shall hereforth be known as THE RULE.

If your team is in the Super Bowl, you are automatically excused to watch the game wherever and with whomever you choose.

As a fan who followed the team through training camp, regular season, the ulcer filled playoffs and every other mind-hump and heart-punch they have thrown at you these past 5 months, you have earned that right. You should watch the Super Bowl in in your lucky chair, sip from your lucky mug, wear your lucky shirt you haven't washed since Week 11, toss your lucky ball in the air and yell at people for moving things and turning off lights that you are convinced may somehow affect the outcome of the game (you do that, don't deny it).

Invite who you so chose. You do not have to be in someone else's house surrounded by non-fans, opposing team fans, or the 'everybody shut-up the commercials are on' chick. You don't have to bring food or drinks for anyone but yourself. You can avoid the 'sorry they lost guy' or 'it was fun' girl and won't have to apologize when you mistake the remote for a javelin. If they win, you celebrate alone, but thats why cell phones, text messages and emails were invented. (Caution- those things can work to torment you, so if your team is about to lose, shut them off mid-4th quarter and pray for snow to cancel work)

And on a side note, I mean seriously, how the hell was I supposed to know the Giants would make the Super Bowl? Show me the person, ANY PERSON, who picked the Giants to go to the Super Bowl and I'll show you a guy who is most likely dating one of the bikini girls and out of his fargin' gord!

I still love my family and this is nothing personal. It's just sports. I have spoken my peace. So let it be written, so let it be done.

(Editor's Note- THE RULE has a stipulation that shall forever be known as the Ariel Amendment. It reads "If I don't give a shit about the game, I ain't going nowhere." This rule applies to non-football fans, pregnant women, the elderly, Richard Simmons, and Super Bowls where unimportant teams and fanbases are involved and game promises to be as titillating as CSPAN book reviews from the early 90's. Case in point, Steelers vs. Seahawks 2005. Who won the MVP and what was the final score? Unless you like either of these teams, you have no idea. Stop Googling it.)

(Editor's Other Note- hehehe...titillating)


Pro-Hat Party said...

Heinz Ward MVP.

Steelers 21 - Seahawks 10.

And for the record, asshole, that was one of the most watched Super Bowls in history. More folks watched it than last year's game. So you can stick your "no one cared" shit up your ass, okay?

The Seattle WR totally pushed off in the endzone and it was clearly holding. Also, F-ing Stephens fumbled and they called it incomplete. No one ever talks about the calls that went against the Steelers.

Finally, I totally agree with your rule. Everyone thought I should attend parties they were having for the Steelers Super Bowl (5 time champs, FYI) but I stayed at home with my girlfriend at the time (Silke RIP) and made pirogies and drank mineral water.

Didn't need booze clouding my mind.

Fat Willard said...

How does it feel agreeing with an asshole?

Pro-Hat Party said...

Internet research says that Super Bowl 30 is the 2nd most watched event in TV history, only behind the final episode of MASH.