Thursday, March 27, 2008

Clemens Named 2008 Unsexiest Man

Adding to his long and distinguished career of achievement, Roger Clemens was named The (Boston) Phoenix's 2008 Unsexiest Man on the Planet, thwarting valiant attempts by several sports-figures up for the recognition. This only proves how bitter Beantowners remain at Clemens' post-Sox success, despite their own recent domination.

ROGER CLEMENS
'ROID-RAGING ROCKET

Considering Roger Clemens moth-eaten congressional testimony, this year’s Unsexiest champ is a quadruple threat: baseball and legal talking heads say that he’s a cheater, a liar/perjurer, a substance-abuser, and a world-class scumbag. The latter charge, mind you, reflects the fact that he threw under the bus not just his trainer pal Brian McNamee (who said he’d be willing to go to jail for Clemens) and trusted teammate Andy Pettite (whom he claimed “misremembers” testimony), but even his wife. His sexy status is further jeopardized by his Cro-Magnon mug (never have a player’s looks been so betrayed by the removal of his ball cap) and, worse, the litany of grotesque anatomical details we’ve been forced to hear. As the Mitchell Report noted, “McNamee injected Clemens approximately four times in the buttocks over a several-week period.” Responded Clemens: “If he’s doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead.” Oh, is that what that is?

Here are the other sports-related figures that cracked the top 100:

100 TOM BRADY (??)
96 TONY KORNHEISER
88 LARRY BIRD
81 BRUCE JENNER
79 ARLEN SPECTER
74 CHUCK KLOSTERMAN


73 MERCURY MORRIS
72 SYLVESTER STALLONE
71 BIG SHOW
67 TIM DONAGHY
53 MICHAEL VICK
47 BRIAN McNAMEE
46 BRODY JENNER
39 CHUCK NORRIS
38 HULK HOGAN
32 ERIC MANGINI
27 ELI MANNING
23 ISIAH THOMAS
16 PACMAN JONES
11 BILL BELICHICK

1 comment:

Dianna said...

SYLVESTER STALLONE UN-sexy?!?!??? Are you KIDDING me?!??! THAT man will forever be in millions of women's minds as PURE ATTRACTION!! Those EYES, those LIPS, those HANDS, those MUSCLES!!! There'll NEVER be another SLY!!