Each Week, HHR rounds up the week's ups and downs -then adjusts for inflation. It's like Power Rankings made sweet love to Harper's Index and Harper's pulled the goalie.

Derek Jeter leaves a voicemail for A-Rod (not really). Massage therapists? Sexy Secrets? Obviously. PLUS 2

College athletes love sexual assault. If I may quote Dolly Madison here, that guys is "a total assgargler" MINUS 5

HHR's hippie surfer got farked. Being referred to as "Some Guy" not only is a step up from our usual moniker of "that guy," it's a PLUS 3

Remember when cheerleaders just gave each other eating disorders as revenge? Now they're gang punched. MINUS 10

The Masters is back, bitches. ESPN doing a live-blog that isn't Simmons? That's actually good? About GOLF? Yup. BOGEY (PLUS) 12 over

French protesters attacking a Chinese amputee in a wheelchair wielding a torch. Double thumbs up, way up. PLUS 8

Never Say Goodbye: The Sports Hernia takes a look at Shea and Yankee Stadiums' greatest moments as the Bombers and Metropolitans kick off their final seasons in the NYC dumps. PLUS 2

THIS WEEK'S TOTAL: +12
LAST WEEK'S TOTAL : -3