Monday, June 16, 2008

Game on: Iron Ref Sore Losers

The first round of HHR's Iron Ref is on.

Click here for a look at this week's competitors and an overview of the contest. CAST YOUR VOTE IN THE COMMENTS.

Voting will be tallied 5 PM EST on Thursday, when we will announce the next 3 competitors. Remember, winners will return to compete for the title of Iron Ref. If you are interested in competing, drop us a line.

This round's secret ingredient:

SORE LOSERS

LADY ANDREA

I've dealt with a lot of sore losers in my life. They have generally involved my nerdy friends from high school, Trivial Pursuit and copious amounts of alcohol. When I saw this theme, I immediately started thinking of my teams (StL Cards and Iowa Hawkeyes) and what event would be the best example of Sore Losers. And then it came to me. The perfect example. I have never seen a bigger bunch of cry-to-their-mamas boys than when the Ladies did the Hot Blogger Bracket. Worms. Pandora. Can. Box. Utter. Mayhem. Salty. Tears. It spiraled ridiculously out of control. You should SEE the emails we received from bloggers. "Why am I seeded so low?" "Why am I up against [redacted]?" "Why didn't you link to THIS?" "Can't you tell he's CHEATING?" "Can't you FIX IT?" "Where IS Jimmy Hoffa?" "WHO let the dogs out?" "What would YOU do for a Klondike bar? [wink wink]" If you'd like to, you can still see the comment threads where supposedly grown men were acting cattier than beauty pageant contestants.

It was supposed to be fun. It devolved into this. We finally took the hottest one who wasn't acting like a complete ninny and crowned his ass. And in the ensuing congratulatory thread, we still had someone questioning our methods. Sore losers, indeed.


DEWEY HAMMOND


"Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.” Friedrich Nietzsche wrote that. Or so says the Internet. I don’t read philosophy. Instead I spend the waning remainder of my 20s drinking beer irresponsibly fast.

Competition is emotional, and today’s fans are unrelenting, which is why I will always empathize with whomever tomorrow’s meltdowns involve. Besides, outbursts and press-conference blowups are blasé. It’s those who refuse to detach themselves from the pain of losing who should be most embarrassed.

Stanford and Cal football compete annually for the Stanford Axe, a trophy that displays the outcome of each year’s Big Game, a rivalry dating back to 1892. Whenever Stanford holds the axe, Cal’s 25-20 victory in 1982 is altered to read 20-19, in favor of Stanford, which to this day gripes about The Play: His knee was down… That lateral was forward… Dozens of Cardinal geeks storming the field with their trombones and oboes and calculators and pocket protectors must have somehow given Cal an unfair advantage… blah blah blah; get over it already.




CHRIS MOTTRAM

Sore loser is no easy ingredient to work with. It's bitter and sour with a hint of acidity. It can be quite volatile and tends not to mix well with other ingredients. It's a tall order, to be certain, but let's see what verbal dishes we can whip up in 300 words or less …

First course: King James Teary Tuna Tartare, made with LeBron's freshly squeezed sore loser, infantile, crybaby tears only moments after not receiving an and-1 call while practicing alone in the gym. This is served with a side of incredibly overrated Tom Kha Gai soup.

Second course: Serena Scallops, brushed with the obnoxious air of arrogance left behind as Ms. Williams went stomping out of her French Open post-defeat press conference, then pan grilled until completely insufferable and totally miserable.

Third Course: Hellmuth Hate Stew. A combination of the bullets he's dodged, amateur horseshit luck, the letters that spell "poker" and shavings from his oversized face-mole.

Fourth Course: Belichick Skirt Steak, perfectly marbled to have an 18:1 meat-to-fat ratio, topped with a Gorgonzola cream sauce, which we slow simmered with the hand sweat from Bill's one-second-too-soon Super Bowl handshake.

So who's it gonna be? There's only enough desert for one. Vote in the Comments.

117 comments:

JC said...

I would've voted for Mottram, but he completely ruined my dinner with the hand sweat and mole shavings references.

Edge to DH.

Minda said...

Andrea!

Those bloggers were very complainy indeed.

Brian Bassett said...

i'm voting for li'l motts

Chris said...

I vote for Andrea.

Sumit Gupta said...

Dewey gets my vote.

Patrick Smith said...

Though Dewey rocks the Ravens lid, I proudly cast a vote for Lady Andrea.

Her complaining knows no bounds.

Jon Pyle said...

Lady Andrea!

She deserves it after the way that Hot Blogger Bracket ended...

Tuffy said...

I'll vote for Andrea but only because she won't shut up about that Hot Blogger Bracket. Jeez, what a whiner...

Wait, did I understand the rules for this correctly?

Ariel said...

As the token "lady" of HHR, I have to put my vote behind Lady Andrea.

World of Isaac said...

dewey's my boy but CM edges him out

ARR said...

Dewey. Because he's the man. And because I went to USC for grad school, which means I hate both Stanford and Cal.

Steve said...

Dewey's on point. Those Stanfurd dweebs need to get over 1982.

Cinnamon said...

Andrea, of course.

Pete Vlastelica said...

Dewey... that creep can write, man.

sportsb*tch said...

Stanfurd sucks. Dewey doesn't. 1 more vote for Dewey.

athooks said...

1 vote for Andrea.

Abram said...

Dewey gets my vote as well

wjbrown3 said...

Gotta go with Dewey

Thomas said...

I'm also voting for Dewey.

Jim said...

Dewey. For bringing back fond memories. I was at that game, in the Stanford section, that end zone. So I was in the 'wrong' part of the stadium. Chaos.

Chalk said...

This was a blowout -- Andrea beat the tar out of those other fellers.

She deserves points for going for something both unexpected and awesome, not something dated and/or obvious.

(I would have said all that even if Andrea didn't have a few inches on me and hadn't mentioned how she could take me in a fight on numerous occasions.)

idk my bff hgh said...

dewey dewey he's our man... yeah. that's my vote.

Trevor said...

Voting for Dewey.

Lando said...

What would I do for a Klondike Bar? Vote for Lady Andrea, that's what!

Roger Dorn said...

Dewey gets my Round 1 vote. Round 2's topic: Under Armour's Power Thong, how much power is too much power? Mr. Hammond, you have the floor.

Dewey Hammond said...

I vote for me, and I also vote that Roger Dorn gets an exclusive guest post to discuss the merits of the U.A. Power Thong, the world's first-ever performance-enhancing underwear (limited edition Jason Giambi leopard print coming soon to a fetish shop near you).

Doug said...

Dewey!

FBKid said...

D-Man gets my vote!

LadyAndrea said...

Wait...we can vote for OURSELVES?

Fine: Andrea gets my vote too.

Tirico said...

Lady Andrea:
Taste: 21, Plating: 12, Originality: 13

Dewey:
Taste: 25, Plating: 13, Originality: 12

Whichever Mottram is competing:
Taste: 20, Plating: 15, Originality: 14

Timothy said...

DH, being on the east coast, one assumes that the Stanford intellectuals deal with that loss in a mature manner. Had no idea they still alter the final score.

Russianator said...

Mottram - any shot at Belichick is a good shot.

Cecilio's Scribe said...

i'd have to go mottram, although he's SO mainstream these days...

Townie said...

My vote: Andrea

Reason: What Chalk said.

CR Dunbar said...

Mottram, even though his scallop recipe made me gassy.

Sarge said...

LA

Ian said...

my vote is for andrea

WM said...

Gotta go with Dewey due to the absurd level of pettiness involved by Stanford "LOL WE'RE S-M-R-T" students/"athletes".

Jonathan said...

Vote for Dewey, yo.

Christina said...

Andrea!

Thomas said...

dewey.

Fat Willard said...

I've got an absentee ballot vote from Buzz Bissinger (who doesn't own a computer.)

He said you are all of full of shit.

Oh and he said Dewey because it's the second most impossible name to pull off besides Buzz.

Mathew said...

Lady A.

SA said...

I witnessed the HBB first hand.

Lady A.

Chris said...

Andrea.

TIET said...

Come on, Andrea!

MDT said...

I heart meta

Andrea's got my vote

Ethanator1088 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ethanator1088 said...

Dewey had me at "Blase", but my vote goes to Iron Ref Chris. That was outstanding.

This is the first ever Iron Ref, and he raised the bar high. That was an honest but whoopen. I feel sorry for next weeks group.

That was a culinary sports delight!

samaber said...

ANDREA

Danielle said...

Dewey.

E-TRAIN said...

ANDREA!

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

Andrea.

Otherwise,the next Ladies... powwow would be awk-ward.

maggie said...

Lady Andrea rocks my socks!

flatusyahu said...

mottram.

andrea seems very nice and her neck probably is very sweet to the taste...we'd like the opportunity to test that theory....but her writing is not centric to anything i can relate to. it's all about nerds. aren't many people in the sports blogosphere who can relate to that sort of thing.

everyone kisses up to dewey cause he's the dude who has the keys to the parents liquor cabinet....but trotting out the stanford/cal thing is a bit....overdone, don't you think? plus....more nerds?

mottram, on the other hand, seems consumed by bitterness. he's not conjuring up the feelings of a sore loser, it seeps out of him naturally.

great contest on a great site. keep it up. please.

The Sports Muffin said...

Dewey gets an "Absolutely Ogueira" from the Muffin. To translate, that means we vote for Dewey.

DMtShooter said...

As a blogger who was definitively proven to be less cute than Dan Shanoff, I'm going with LA. It's worked with me so far in the Finals.

Chris Mottram said...

Is the voting based on the writing or who begged the most people to type their name in the comments section?

/sore loser

the chief said...

chris, you make a legitimate point here. we of course expect people to judge solely on the quality of the work.

perhaps the discerning readers of TSG and Mr. I would be much more objective.

the chief said...

TSB I meant.

Bstone said...

I see some people have never heard of a "poll" function. Jeebus.

Mottram. He talked about food.

Hugging Harold Reynolds said...

We debated a poll function. But could you imagine the voter fraud and ballot box stuffing had we done that?

Dewey Hammond said...

everyone kisses up to dewey cause he's the dude who has the keys to the parents liquor cabinet

Your parents locked the liquor cabinet? That's child abuse.

flatusyahu said...

this is an interesting sports blogging phenomenon. and dewey can attest to this because he sees the yardbarker numbers. dudes who read sports blogs will bark-up, digg, etc. etc. anything a chick lays down on the computer. it's almost like us dudes think we have a better chance of scoring with someone like andrea if we digg their work. it's what johnny miller would call the "geek blogosphere reverse glass ceiling syndrome". we're all guilty of it. we all want to be wanted by chicks. in our weakest moments, we're even willing to overlook the fact that most chicks on the internet are dudes posing as chicks. (not casting any doubt on andrea's true gender. i'm sure she's as hot as she is brilliant. see...i just did it!)

i voted for mottram. the other's were great. don't count me twice just because i'm loud.

have i mentioned what a great site this is?

Brien said...

Dewey

And I totally feel like I've arrived because ECB got an invite for the next Iron Ref. We're one of the cool kids now!

gretchenarchangel said...

Andrea!

Quit bitching about Belichick already...for the love.

LadyAndrea said...

If they had installed a poll in this gig, I'm fairly sure it would devolve into the Hot Blogger Bracket-type of shenanigans and then the universe would fold in upon itself.

Daniel said...

Dewey is the way to go.

Jay said...

In a photo finish... Dewey!

Dan said...

I got lil Motts. But only because I won't knock the Belichick steak until I try it.

Ethanator1088 said...

I just wanted to chime in. I would really like it if the HHR group would listen to the arguements made by the commenters and decide for themselves.

I would hate for this to be decided by "Girl Power", Yard Barkers, Sporting Blogheads, or people that just wanted to leave their blog name on the list of commenters.

Next week use this poll system http://www.polldaddy.com/
It blocks cookies.

That is just my idea.

LadyAndrea said...

Just for the record, Ethan: 14 of my votes came from men. So knock off the "Girl Power" talk. Perhaps people just think my entry was the best. Crazy, I know.

Andrew said...

Sadly, all three chefs got the answer wrong.

Canadian Wrestling Fans are still bitter over Bret Hart having the result of his fake match changed on him.

But on the level of the three candidates...Dewey, for a clear throughline and a lack of inside baseball.

Oh, and Andrea, he was cracking wise on all of you. Slow your roll.

Andrew

LadyAndrea said...

I don't think he was, Andrew. I think he's worried for when he competes. : )

Maybe he should reread my entry.

ladyheather217 said...

Andrea!

the chief said...

people, a poll doesn't prevent people from voting for the person who sent them here.

so what you people demanding a poll feature are really saying is you need bar graphs. nerds.

Chris Mottram said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris Mottram said...

As far as I know, there's no such thing as "Sporting Blog Heads." And I never encouraged anyone to come here and vote for me.

Having said that, please, I beg you, vote for me. This contest is all I have left.

Illuminati said...

Hey, I am here to vote for the hottest blogger but I don't see a poll. Can someone help me on this?

E. Spencer Kyte said...

Lady Andrea... hands down.

Ariel said...

I heart these comments - flatusyahu, chief, mottram, andrea - you're all making my day.

How about we let HHR conduct their little contest the way they want it conducted. If anyone has an issue, then don't vote.

That said, yet-to-be-born baby girl McCormack votes for Andrea.

GIRL POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LadyAndrea said...

I KNEW I would carry the unborn baby vote! YES!

Oh, and my neck tastes delightful. So I've been told.

Andrew said...

Wait, this is a Hot Blogger Competition?

Well, I'm fucking screwed.

Dewey Hammond said...

So far, the unofficial tally is:

1st: Complaints
2nd: The Lady
3rd: Those other guys

Let's stay focused on what's important: beer, girls, beer and sports.

Enough complaints.

Coley W said...

One more for Dewey.

Ted said...

Dewey Hammond, for the win!

christy said...

Word up, Dewey. I vote for you.

Keran said...

Good dog, Dewey. I vote for you.

Katherine said...

dewey.i vote for dewey.

Dan said...

Mr. Hammond. As always.

Kyle said...

I vote for DEWY

With Malice said...

Mottram...

Brad said...

I'll take Lady Andrea, for the win...

gilbert said...

Andrea gets my vote.

Brooke said...

I vote for Dewey

the chief said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rob I said...

I am voting for Andrea and my vote is not at all under duress.

the chief said...

I'm told that we said the polls stay open until 5. Fine, have your goddamn democracy. See if I care.

Hugging Harold Reynolds said...

Excuse the chief, he is drinking and watching the parade.

The voting is STILL OPEN.

5pm eastern standard time.

The voting is STILL OPEN.

Steve said...

Andrea...

Is there even another choice?

k.olsen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Russell said...

Dewey!

P said...

Dewey absolutely.

k.olsen said...

dewey. in a league of his own. solid journalism.

J-Red said...

Dewey for me. Strange how he's getting all these late votes.

Bob said...

I vote for Dewey, who is the funniest and the most correct.

Wayturbo said...

Dewey!

Jack said...

Look what alcohol did for Hemingway. Drinking irresponsibly fast is a major skill for a writer. Dewey gets my vote.

Jonathan said...

Andrea gets my vote

Kirk said...

since dewey reference drinking and i like to drink i will vote for him

Daniel said...

Dewey defeats Truman. And the others.

Jeff said...

voting for the d-man (Dewey)

Mike said...

Dewey Hammond all the way.

Amanda said...

Andie.

Sarah said...

Voting for Andrea.

Justen said...

dewey gets my vote!

Jenni Kline said...

I vote for Lady Andrea