Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A Cut Above the Rest

On the day the Bush administration announced its opposition to tobacco regulation, we honor MLB's big dippers.

In collaboration with a fantastic new dip enthusiast site,, we present our favorite players at each position who are unashamed to pack a fatty on national television.

Be sure to keep an eye out for Rip Dip's Dip of the Week, sports fans.

P Bobby Jenks
C Jason Kendall
1B Prince Fielder
2B Chase Utley
3B Chipper Jones*
SS Hanley Ramirez
LF Pat Burrell
CF Johnny Damon**
RF Brian Giles
DH David Ortiz
Honorary Capt. Lenny Dykstra

*Larry + Chipper = "Lipper"
**Centerfield is sacred ground among smokeless tobacco users. Lenny Dykstra's influence will never be rivaled. That said, Damon packs a helluva pinch. Famous quitter Bret Butler roamed there, as does born-again icon Josh Hamilton.

To honor this select group I present this, from my college archives...

The once legendary and widely circulated "50 Signs You're a Dipper" list.

Brings a tear to my eye.

1. You know cool words like "fatty", "spitter", and "lipper"
2. You dip when you're depressed.
3. You dip when you're happy.
4. You've probably spent close to 750 dollars on bottled water only to see it poured out in the Pantry Parking lot.
5. You trim your fingernails in a specific manner to better facilitate the opening of a can.
6. Your dip collection is the pride of your dorm room.
7. You have a log of dip in your fridge at this instant.
8. The term "The Big Dipper" has no astronomical meaning to you at all.
9. You once hooked up with a girl, only to comment to your friends how much her breath mints made her taste like Spearmint Skoal.
10. You once made a girl cry for spilling your can of dip.
11. Once, after a friend poured his heart out to you about why his life sucked, you replied with: "That sucks. . . . .Wanna dip?" and it made him feel better.
12. More than once, you've gone hungry in order to have money for more dip.
13. You answer the question "Got any dip?" with the questoin "Am I Breathing?"
14. You have knowingly watched a guy you didn't know drink your spitter, loogeys and all, only to laugh as he puked in the sink.
15. You have dipped a half a can at one time.
16. You dipped in physics class only to spit in dirty beakers.
17. You've spilled a can of dip on the ground, but took a pinch off the pile before admitting the can had been lost.
18. You can pack a can to the tune of Stairway to Heaven.
19. You have engaged in masturbatory exercises while dipping.
20. You once sent an email to a buddy that consisted only of the word "dip" repeated over and over.
21. The afore-mentioned email meant a lot to your friend.
22. You cried when you thought you were giving up dip forever.
23. You once tried to quit and almost made it 72 hours without a dip.
24. Your ideal death would be "Death By Nicotine".
25. No matter how much you've done it, a hatred of smoking still burns red-hot deep inside you.
26. You've been kicked off an academic sports team for dipping.
27. You gain tremendous joy from making freshmen on your wrestling team dip.
28. You have once been awakened merely by the smell of dip in your room.
29. You brain instinctively tunes out a female voice speaking the words: "Eewwwww. That's nasty."
30. You watched the World Series just to see which pitcher had the biggest dip in.
31. If you meet a guy for the first time, no matter how big of a dick he is, if he's dipping, you think to yourself, "He can't be that bad."
32. When a friend mumbles to you, "Mmmmmm, mmmmmm." You understand him clearly to say, "Please, good friend, hand me my spitter."
33. One time, a guy you hardly knew gave you a free can of dip, you told him you loved him, and you meant it.
34. Your opinion of a zoo rests entirely on whether it posesses kodiak bears.
35. In a drunken stupor, you once had a conversation with the Bear.
36. You re-wrote the lyrics to Candle in the Wind to dedicate the song to Kodiak.
37. Your mom bought you dip for your 17th birthday.
38. At one time or another, you were kissing your girlfriend and thinking whether or not you had any dip in your car.
39. Your girlfriend threatened to leave you bc you dipped.
40. You called her bluff.
41. One of your most treasured memories includes sitting on a log in the woods behind your high school baseball field dipping Skoal Classic with one of your best friends.
42. News of a new kind of dip gets you all riled up for two weeks straight.
43. You own a cuspidor solely because you and your friends dipped your asses off for two months.
44. You have once said this: "Damn my lip hurts. Anybody got a dip?"
45. You once dipped Cougar bc it claimed to be dip.
46. Your girlfriend once gave you and your buddies a bunch of free dip.
47. Your intense fascination with Diamond Dallas Page can be traced to your subconscious association of the letters "DDP" with "DIP".
48. Your dentist told you to stop dipping.
49. You didn't listen.
50. Once you were stung by a bee, so you held a pinch of skoal cherry to your face.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

that is the greatest thing i have ever read!...hilarious and true