Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Game On: Iron Ref Round 3 - Cheap Shot

The third round of HHR's Iron Ref is on.

Click here for a look at this week's competitors and an overview of the contest. CAST YOUR VOTE IN THE COMMENTS.

Voting will be tallied at 5 PM EST on Thursday. Remember, winners will return to compete for the title of Iron Ref. If you are interested in competing, drop us a line.

This round's secret ingredient:


So what is a cheap shot, really? I mean it's kind of like Justice Potter Stewart's take on pornography - hard to define but "I know it when I see it," right?

And like porn, cheap shots are ubiquitous in our culture. We've all seen them. We've all been on the receiving end of one at least once in our lives. And for me, personally, you might sum up my life by saying, "He's managed to go from cheap shot to cheap shot smiling all the while like some sort of perverse retard" (Without the "retard" bit, of course, because nobody says that anymore.)

But there is one thing all true cheap shots have in common — like the Spanish Inquisition nobody expects it. A good cheap shot should leave you saying, "Holy Mary Mothah of God, where and the frig did that come from?"

Surprising, beguiling, stupefying — that's your cheap shot right there.

And if you want a visual example of what I mean, let me present The Pizza Chucking Guy at Fenway:

No matter how many times I watch that vid, the pizza coming out of the blue like that never fails to bemuse me. Even Rem Dog asks, "Why did he do that?" Why, indeed? Such is the incarnate mystery of the cheap shot.


Nice topic, HHR. Do you get to use special utensils and scissors, and do you still soil yourselves for warmth? I’ve produced better topics on my toilet. After Mexican food.

It’s not just the numbnuts running this. Take a look at my competition -- a Masshole “Cartoonist” with drawing skills that begin and end at cut and paste, and a guy who blogs with one very hairy hand. Don’t believe me? Take a look at their first entries for this circle jerk.

Do I expect to win the sports blogosphere’s answer to the Special Olympics? Of course not. Take a look at the commenting audience. Mongoloids like you all stick together – and cartoons where nothing changes allow you to imagine that you are literate, and You Like Titty MMMM AAAHHHH AAHHHH TITTY TITTY TITTY. It's like I'm in that special high school with you all over again, taking a shop class with people who play Kill The Reader. I've got as much chance getting laid at SportsBloggerCon as I do of winning this little timewaste.

Fine, whatever, the topic. It's so last century, along with concepts of honor, justifiable war, and a God that doesn't inflict multiple Bahston champions on us like Egyptian plagues. We live in a time when the Celtics win with a stolen superstar (beating the Lakers and their stolen superstar), the Red Sox win with other team's free agents and their MLB+ Japanese Bidder Market, and the Patriots were a miracle play or two away from perfection while employing Rodney Harrison, cheating, and sodomizing abducted Third World children at the bus station (allegedly).

Hell, the President sucker-punched people as an Ivy League legacy cheerleader and frat boy sadist, and then “won” as a rootin' tootin' Texas Ranch Dude. When all the shots are cheap, why differentiate? We are a nation of nut shotters, third finger warriors, and people who want to end any contest of wills with a chair shot. Me included. Oh, and while I’m at it, let me scare off any of Soxaholix’s readers.
So look deep into your tiny little hearts, Blogfrica. Drink low and slow of my sweet hate meat. Savor the bitterness, anger and willingness to go dirty on total strangers from a guy with a blog that’s going to get crushed, because his opponents have Comic and Titty Traffic. I couldn’t give less of a crap.

Because no matter who wins this thing, I've taken a nice satisfying whiz into my opponent's posts, and there ain’t no such thing as a winner who drinks piss. Check and mate, mofo’s.

Thank you, good night, and blow me.


Is this really even a competition?

I mean, we got DMT, who, let's be honest here, will more than likely pump out a Top 10 List for this thing. I can see it now.

Top Ten Cheap Shots Of All-Time

10. Pete Rose running over Ray Fosse in the All-Star Game

9. Albert Haynesworth stomping on a Cowboys head

blah blah blah

Come on, am not too far off am I DMT? Boring I tell ya...

And while I am not familiar with the work of Soxaholix, I can't imagine anything or anybody from Boston pumping out something intelligent.

I mean, am I mistaken or is this the same city that produced the intellectual genius of Jonathon Papelbon.

Well, lets hope for Soxaholix's case, he bows out of this competition before I post that stupid Papelbon riverdance.

Hell, that wouldn't even be fair. That'd be like kicking a man while he's down. That'd be like trying to take out a teams star player in the Eastern Conference Finals....

Wait, what...

Oh yeah, I forgot about that little bitch Larry Bird. Couldn't even take a CLEAN, HARD FOUL. Had to be a sissy about it and throw the ball after 10 dudes were between him and Laimbeer.

And when the going got real tough, he called in his boy, Robert Parish to do his dirty work.

So Soxholix, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you come from a city with a bunch of pussies. I'm sorry you come from a city where a guy can't even get through two sentences of Spanish without looking like a buffoon. I'm sorry that your most famous athlete is "The Hick from French Lick".

Ok, but lets get back on point.....what was this post supposed to be about anyways?

Oh yeah, cheap shots....

My bad...


Wow - that was... angry doesn't seem like the right word, but let's just say 'unprovoked rabididy.' I'm pretty sure I just made up that word.

Voting begins in the comments.... NOW


World of Isaac said...

you can take "cheap shots" at me but when you make fun of titty blogging, then we have a problem

DMtShooter said...

I vote for me, Infinity Plus One.

Jon Pyle said...

I got dmtshooter. Any purveyor of hacky Top 10 lists that frowns upon gratutitous skin blogging, cartoons and Boston fans in general will always get my vote. In fact, sometimes I wonder if we're related.

Cheers dmt!

Your brother in List,

Jim said...

Wow. There was a buttload of rabididy there. I can't really decide between Isaac and DMT shooter. I suppose pissing on the basketball jesus gives you negative points -- so DMT shooter it is.

Timmy G said...

One vote for WOI.

CBlust said...

Spoken like a true asshole.

Make it two votes for WOI.

Grimey said...

I vote for Hart.

P.S. I would've totally won this one.

World of Isaac said...

I'm hoping there isn't a strong contingent of boston people who read this...

oh yea, by the way

DMT hates boobies....

how can you like a man who hates boobies?

thats unamerican

flatusyahu said...

i'll vote as soon as i get back from my kaballah cleansing.

holy shit.

JC said...

Gotta go with the pizza throwing. If you are really that gully, toss your beer.

Going Five Hole said...

WOI vote here

PG said...

One more for WOI.


Mike said...

WOI...he should of got a pulitzer for the the booties of volleyball too.

The Truth said...

One vote for DMT.

James said...

One vote for the Pizza Tosser.

flatusyahu said...

i'm submitting the world's first split iron ref vote.

1/2 to dmt cause he's just about the only literate person i've met on the internet.

1/2 to woi, although i had to have prostate replacement surgery after the great asses of volleyball episode of 2008.

finally, i would sooner take the "no" out of "no homo" than vote for anything or anyone related to boston.

plus, i'm not convinced that the pizza thrower was from boston. why would a sox fan have a problem with another sox fan interfering with an angels outfielder?

hmmm. hmmm. hmmm. i'm guessing the pizza thrower is from......gasp.......newport beach, cali!

so....nice job throwing in a SoCal angry moment into your post, boston dude!

p.s. you seem like a very nice person, and none of this should be taken personally.

liz said...

my vote's for hart. and if i had more votes, they would also be for hart.

Nathaniel said...

My heart (and my vote) is with Hart...

Bush said...

World of Isaac

Rob said...

Votin' for Hart. It even landed sauce side down. Damn.

Eleanor B said...

I vote for Hart!

Todd S. said...

Vote: DMT (pull lever)

Shit, I think I already regret it.

Karl C said...

Wow, DMT and WOI both go with the exact same "attack boston = cheap shot". I guess asking for something original from either of you is just out of the question.

My vote is for Hart and the pizza tosser.

DMtShooter said...

Um, I attacked everyone involved in this, including HRH and the Commenters, With Utter And Complete Sincerity. Sorry to not have included a well-known viral video that plays to Boston Fan's solipsism. (Look, kids, a bonus cheap shot! And a reason for you to visit!)

Anonymous said...

WOI all the way baby!

ShooterWife said...

I'm voting for dmtshooter. He's just nasty. How does his wife stand him? I bet she makes him live in the basement.

The pizza throwing was actually pretty fun, until I was reminded of monkeys flinging -- well, you know.

The titties did come in a close second -- oh wait those were on dmt's post.

And wow, a top ten list! What lame douchebag does that as his blog idea? I mean, c'mon.

Oh, and honey? Please pick up some milk on the way home.

Andrew said...

You want something ironic.

I'm actually gonna vote for the Shooter.

You think you know the answers, but I change the question!

Top 10 Reasons I immeadiately regret this decision.
10. He hates pretty girls standing around.
9. This is his niche in the world. List guy.
8. Scott Kurtz is rolling in his grave.
7. He hates America. Plastic titty is Red, White, and Blue through and through.
6. He cannot hate with style and creativity.
5. Not even his ten-cent word choice is fashionable. My mind is the only thing that exists...please.
4. Everybody likes Manny.
3. We all know that Rodney Harrison sodomizes Trent Green.
2. Titty is what made America great. Betsy Ross' titty made the flag y'all!
1. Because David Letterman's even makes this format hack.

World of Isaac said...

shameless dmt...loggin in as your old lady?

ShooterWife said...

Nah, if he was that shameless, he'd have posted as his mother.

But thank you for the compliment; I can hold it over him next time he tells me my writing isn't up to par.

Karl C said...

DMT: "Um, I attacked everyone involved in this..."

Aw, poor guy. Couldn't take my cheap shot?

I win the contest.

The Sports Muffin said...

We vote for Isaac because he champions boobies, and pisses on top 10 lists.

Nevermind the fact that we frequently utilize top 10 lists ourselves - we're just lazy.

tsmith said...

Hart gets my vote

World of Isaac said...

In typical DMT fashion, I give you

"The Top Five Cheapest Iron Chef Voting Moves"

5. Using yardbarker and its army to rape the competition by voting under different aliases (cough cough Dewey)

4. Using titties on your website to encourage more voting

3. Splitting your vote because you're a douche and can't make up your mind

2. Sending your comic strip friend named Karl C to make fun of the competition

1. DMT fake posting as his wife(no way is that guy married) to get the all-important extra vote

Five Tool Ninja said...

You can't spell "Cheap Shot" without DMt. Or something. Another vote for Shooter.

ShooterWife said...

Look, WOI, just because shooter doesn't like your man-tits isn't any reason to cry about it. I like them!

And don't worry. I'm sure your mom thinks your blog is the best! Though that explains why there's not so much hot lesbo action in them. Pity.

Sports Biotch said...

Gotta go with Hart. Can't vote for the Boston haters!

flatusyahu said...

hey, i call dibs on "solipsism seconds". the line forms after me!

Alpha Doug said...

Cheap shots? It's dmtshooter in a landslide.

Tracer Bullet said...

I know Shooter is married because I've met his wife. Of course, I've never seen them in the same place at the same time . . . hmm.

Nonetheless, I'll vote for Shooter, mostly because he groveled shamelessly and I really need him to shut up about it. I expect you to let me win the next poker game, you fucker.

ryan said...

HB for the win.

Colin said...

dmtShooter gets my vote for cheapshot douchebag. I mean what a whiner.

Colin said...

Actually I take it back. I'm going for HB, even with shooter's doucheness.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I gotta ride with the Shooter on this one.

Bstone said...

Shooter for me. He had more pictures.

A scathing attack on Chris Paul would have locked this up too.

Marc said...

One more vote for HB.


I love bagels said...

dmtshooter gets my vote

Bryant said...

DMtShooter - yea!!! You da' best!! Like da' Bears!!

Ryan said...

My votes for Dmtshooter, what a douchebag

Mike said...

The shooter's got my vote too.

Brian P. Foley said...

Shooter all the way

flatusyahu said...

doesn't it seem a little "odd" that all of shooters...."supporters"....came flying out of the closet at the last minute?

with that in mind, here's my shooter-esque top ten theories of where these freaks came from:

1. members of shooter's boy scout pack finally "earned" their technology merit badges. (apparently they don't have megan's law where he lives)

2. voting for shooter was lambda lambda lambda's summer semester service project.

3. mysterious craiglist posting "leaked" the rumor that shooter is actually ron paul and that iron ref votes count towards selecting the electoral college.

4. shooter promised the kids down at gamestop a peak at molly ringwald's underwear if they voted for him.

5. between herschel walker's and shooter's multiple personalities, the other guys didn't stand a chance.

6. shooter has pix of dewey hammond "hanging" with arod, extorted him into mobilizing barkers.

7. shooter sent chain email claiming he has cancer and his dying wish is to win iron ref.

8. went to steam room at local gym, applied liberal interpretation to the "the blog that loves you back" slogan.

9. struck deal with photo agencies. in exchange for votes, will turn in any blogger who uses copyrighted pictures of girls with big titties.

10. used the REAL secret ingredient: web proxy

DMtShooter said...

No Web proxy, but I can be very... persuasive. The best cheap shots, you give to yourself.