Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Radioactivity Gets a New Name

###HHR Scientific Exclusive!###
Must Credit HHR!

In a decision sending shockwaves throughout the scientific community, the radioactive element Astatine (pronounced ass-ta-teen), atomic number 85, has changed its name to Chad Johnson. Widely known for its inherent elemental instability, it was rumored Chad Johnson made the move as part of a campaign to embarrass fellow non-metals after failing to get itself traded. The element had been openly requesting to be released from the halogens in hopes of being picked up by a more "badass" group. The noble gases had shown minor interest, and considering the name "Chad Johnson" spills over into Radon's box, speculation continues to run rampant as to a future move. When reached in person for comment on why allow Chad Johnson to take up so much space on the periodic table, Radon was of few words. "C'mon dude. Why should I worry about stuff like that? Have you seen my Wikipedia page? Shit's like a Dicken's novel. By the way, I just gave you cancer."
The element formerly known as Astatine had been skipping its natural ionic bonding with metals and sodium as a means of demonstrating its seriousness. Earlier this year Chad Johnson expressed its belief that it was being blamed for the nonmetals lackluster profile. "I'm not allowed to say. I get the blame; the so-called best player, I'm the problem," it said. "Someone in-house is spreading this. Maybe they want me to quiet down [and] stop being me. That is not going to happen. I can't function that way. I tried it. It sucked. There was no excitement."

Widely considered to be the influence behind the Astatine-to-Johnson move, radioactive NFL receiver Ocho Cinco gave his perspective on the atomic namechange, "What was that about teen ass? Huh? Oh. Asta-what? Dude, I'm down with ass ta teen, ass ta mouth, pretty much ass ta anything. Let's get weird."