Thursday, October 30, 2008

Fright Night: NBA All Ugly Team

In honor of the NBA season starting this week and in conjunction with Halloween jumping off this weekend HHR's Cadillac Mescallade would like to present the 1st Annual Tyrone Hill Halloween Memorial All-Ugliest NBA Team.

Center
Tyrone Hill - Cleveland Cavaliers/Philadelphia 76ers



Why is he here: The definition of ugly in the NBA, he carved out a niche as a stunt double for singer Seal and and as presence on the low block back when the Cavs had uniforms designed by then blind owner Wayne Gund. He also made the all-star team in 1995 and is now a coach with the Hawks. You go, Ty!

Small Forward
Popeye Jones - Dallas Mavericks, et. al.


Why is he here: With hips wider than a booth at a West Texas Dennys culminating in a face only the Goonies could love, Popeye brought a mid range jumper that was to be feared and a knack for being feisty around the goal. He also brought flamboyant ears that allowed reception of WFAN 660am into the midwest for the first time ever

Shooting Guard
Danny Ferry - Cleveland Cavaliers/San Antonio Spurs


Why is he here: Emerged from Duke University to sign the leagues first ever 10 year contract earning genius status that a white forward from Duke was guaranteed a decade in the league. Made the receding and then retreating hairline sexy in Cleveland where legend has it he once tagged seven girls from the Bowling Green swim team in a Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom. Take that Humpty Dance. Eventually went shaved dome, won a ring with the Spurs, and now is the Cavs GM where he will ideally let Lebron go to the Knicks.

Power Forward
Chris Kaman - Los Angeles Clippers

Why is he here: Bucked the odds by making the NBA out of Central Michigan and now destroys the LA landscape of beautiful grills with a look reminiscent of Harry and the Hendersons. Took his ghastly mug worldwide when he participated for his potentially native Germany at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing opening up a whole new audience to his beauty. Remains a recluse in Los Angeles ala bigfoot, the lochness monster, and bea arthur. Clips owner Donald Sterling recently wrote off Kamans new lucrative contract as a charitable donation.


Point Guard
Sam Cassell - Houston Rockets/Multiple Teams/Boston Celtics


Why is he here: Sammy nearly has the team named in his honor, but that would be the easy way out. In possession of possibly the largest testicles in the NBA, Cassell has never met a clutch shot he did not like. Whether that shot has found the bottom of the net in the last five years is negotiable. Regardless, a talented player and now a three time NBA Champion courtesy of KG, the truth, and Jesus Shuttlesworth

6th Man
Michael Cage - Seattle SuperSonics/LA Clippers


Why is he here: He makes the list not so much for his face, but for the hair he once maintained in the league. Sporting the fluid geri curil in the NBA is never a good idea especially for a power forward. Playing in an era where Patrick Ewing generated enough sweat that shower drains were temporarily installed on hardwood at Madison Square garden in the late 80s should say enough. Cage eventually tightened up his look and now has been seen sporting the MJ look.

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