Thursday, October 23, 2008

Notes In Between Screaming, Throwing, Phillie-Incited Temper Tantrums

The Phillies make me ill. ILL.

I could take a swing from my living room here in Trenton and come closer to hitting a pitch than either Dobbsy or Werth can when they are standing in the box.

Pathetic.

To get a better understanding how I and other Phillie fans across the Delaware Valley feel, check out Lee Jenkins' article in this week's SI, "Historically, We Suck."

Then, all you Ray's "fans" should check out Leitch's "Will's World" piece in this week's Sporting News. Fans. Heh.

It's all about perspective.

Speaking of perspective, here's some things I observed tonight while struggling to keep dinner down thanks to Philadelphia's abysmal performance thus far.
  • HHR's CFB cynic Throw the Flag emailed me: J"ust when you think McCarver can’t get any more asinine, last night he actually referred to Joe Maddon as a "Ray-nnaissance man."
  • I've really started tuning McCarver and Buck out.
  • Ken Rosenthal is what...4'10"? 5'2" tops? He looks like a little pixy.
  • Carl Crawford is so virile. How virile is he? So virile that he tattooed sperm on his neck to let us know about it.
  • How do you earn a nickname like "Big Game James" when before starting Game 2 of the World Series, the biggest game of your life was playing "Hide the Salami" with Coach Madden in spring training?
  • Is Johnny Gomes part of this whole "Make a Wish" program MLB is pushing? Is he really there in case of injury or did the team do him a favor because he's "special" or something? I mean he hits .182, they option him to the minors, he shaves his head to look half-retarded and they feel so bad they let him hang in the dugout. "Now, Johnny, we may need you. You be ready. You're our secret weapon." Reminds me of the motion picture version of Flowers for Algernon - "Charlie." I bet when they fly to Philly the piolet will bring him in the cockpit, give him a pair of plastic wings and make him an honorary pilot. Gomes will then tell everyone that he flew the plane (just like he must be telling everyone he's "in the World Series"). But everyone will humor him, and he will give them great big hugs.
  • The secret to Rocco Baldelli's return to the field? Spending his recovery time dipping his balls in things. Seriously - is this not Baldelli?
Speaking of Baldelli and balls...
  • Apparently when an ump does this...


...it means "ball."
  • Dick Dasterdly gets the start in Game 3 for the Rays.
  • Anyone in the Philly media market has probably seen this guy palling around with bachagaloop Gargano on Fox 29:

His name is Joe Staszak, he's the station's sports reporter/anchor, and apparently I'm not the only one that doesn't dig this guy's act. But at least if the broadcasting thing doesn't work out he can still do real estate. (And maybe buy himself a second suit).

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