Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Give Thanks, Get in the Booth

When toying around with our Thanksgiving-related post this year, we pondered the question...

"Is there a sports equivalent of the Americans giving the Indians blankets covered in smallpox?"

The only thing that came to mind is the Eagles sending TO to Dallas.

Then again, there are some things as embedded in the American lifestyle as Turkey Day.

Among them are football and television.

Per tradition, you'll watch the 0-11 Lions in their quest for inverse perfection (unless, God forbid, you're in Detroit). Or maybe you'll watch McNabb try to keep his holiday meal down. While you do, think about this post as you listen to the cunning linguists who narrate and comment upon the "epic" battles on Thursday and throughout the weekend.


John Madden has become the industry standard. Some people by now are sick of this meat but in the end you had to admit it's not thanksgiving with out it.


Joe Buck. Because when he talks it feels like someone is trying to jam things inside me that don't belong there.


Gus Johnson makes everything better and can jazz up even the biggest pile of shit on your plate.


Emmitt Smith. Just throw a heap of gizzards and bread together and hope - pray - something good comes of it. Luckily, like Emmitt, you really can't go wrong. Even when he's bad (always), he's oh so rewarding. Plus, you'd just like to shove him up a turkey's ass. Madden won't mind.

Cranberry Sauce

Michelle Tafoya. Sweet, sassy and jiggles in the can.

Hard Cider

Frank Caliendo. It's not something you'd choose to drink normally, but at least one day out of the year you hope it gets the job done as you try to drown out your bantering family.

Sweet Potatoes (with marshmallows)

Cris Collinsworth. Tasty, hits the spot, and is too often surrounded, covered up, or drowned out by ex-players who offer nothing but fluff.

Fancy Table Ornament

Jimmy Johnson. Most brilliant thing at the table, but in the end gets put to the side.

The Last Piece of Pumpkin Pie

Brent Musberger. Some people cannot stand him (or the pie), and some people say College FB doesn't exist without him. As the women head to the stores for black Friday and super savings Saturday, we are stuck at home, molded into our couch listening to Musberger, much as we reluctantly reach for a second piece of pie as the table clearing and clean-up begins on Thurdsay afternoon.

And who's preparing this feast?

Mom who drinks way too much Chardonnay while cooking/eating

Danyelle Sargent. Has uncanny ability to resurrect things everyone believed to be dead and buried.


MMayes said...

"cunning linguists" Wow. I know many on this list can't say that correctly 3 times fast. Nor could they correctly announce a completed pass to Mike Hunt.

S. Evans said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
S. Evans said...

This was spot on, especially Emmitt. He is slowly taking the crown from Magic Johnson.

MichWack said...

Happy Thanksgiving from -- God Help Me -- Detroit.