Friday, December 19, 2008

Have Yourself a Very ESPY Christmas

As you count the days until holiday vacation begins and you brace yourselves for the seemingly nationwide winter storm, grab a cup of cocoa and enjoy this piece on Christmas/holiday traditions vs. their ESPN counterparts.

Santa Claus/The Worldwide Leader
Everybody wants to stay on ESPN/Santa's good side, but it's really because they're the only game in town. Sometimes you get the good stuff (SportsCenter commercials, 24/7 sports highlights, Page 2) , sometimes you get coal ("Who's Now?", 32 straight weeks of the World Series of Poker, anything with Stephen A. Smith). Be good, or you just might find a copy of Tilt on DVD under your tree.

Fruitcake/Skip Bayless
The worst thing about Christmas/ESPN. I have yet to find anyone who actually likes either one. Yet for some reason they always seem to stay on the payroll, rearing their self-absorbed heads whenever the holiday season or a new ESPN talk segment makes an appearance.

Christmas Tree Stand/Chris Berman
Holding the whole thing up since the beginning, every now and again you toy with getting a new one because the old one is still wearing ties from that first Christmas. Also Youtube has shown us every now and again the old stand has its bad days and nearly tips the tree over. But in the end you just can't part with it because it still gets the job done especially on NFL Sundays.

Christmas Lights/Erin Andrews
Sure, they can both be overdone a la Clark Griswold. But they can both make the dumpiest house or worst Thursday night MAC game seem a little bit brighter and more festive.

Mistletoe/Suzy Kolber

Kwanzaa/Stuart Scott
Unlike most Christmas traditions, which are centuries old, both Kwanzaa and Stuart Scott were created in the mid-1960s. And not even real black people understand what's going on here anymore

Egg Nog/Mike and Mike in the Morning
Their faux-trash talking is endearing in a sickly sweet kind of way, but gets old fast. In the same way, that first glass of egg nog is pure liquid joy, but drink too much and you'll feel like you just swallowed a bowling ball.

Crazy Uncle/Lee Corso
Every family has that one black sheep uncle. You know, the one who invariably shows up wearing a different “funny” hat every year (reindeer antlers, mistletoe, elf, etc.). He’s funny for about five minutes, but after that you just inch closer and closer to wanting to strangle him with some garland.

Black Friday/College Gameday
Just as the day after Thanksgiving signals the kickoff of the Christmas shopping season, every fall Saturday doesn't really start until you crack open your first breakfast beer and flip on (or off, depending on if he picks your team) Crazy Uncle Lee.

Stockings/Kenny Mayne
Not the biggest prize, but always solid. You never know exactly what you're going to get, but odds are it'll be something good.

The Grinch/Dick Vitale
Vitale can't stand the fact that college bowl games get more press around this time of year than hoops. Secretly longs to find a way to eliminate Christmas and skip directly to ACC conference play.

The Overcooked Christmas Ham/ESPN News
Technically you’re eating and that is, I guess, a good thing. But nobody is enjoying themselves. This is broadcasting school televised live to the entire world and, much like the ham, we must grin and bear it.

Christmas Tree Tinsel/Rachel Nichols
Somehow manages to cover the biggest story in your area (the tree or the Plaxico Burress shooting). At the time putting her out there seemed like a good idea, but thirty seconds in to her stand up, you realize that you would have been better served with a classic jingle ball (Sal Paolantonio- e-s-p-n).

Elf/Merrill Hoge
Both are small.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer/Dana Jacobson (at least when she's drinking)
May be responsible for running over your grandma who is walking home from your house Christmas Eve.

That "Christmas Sweater"/Scott Van Pelt
You always look forward to it and remember it being better, cooler, and more fun than it actually is. Like Van Pelt with the Masters, every year you try it on again, and you laugh a little. But eventually digging it out every year just because of its irony value begins to feel a little forced.


Pro-Hat Party said...

Great post but I can't stand this Rachel Nichols trash talk. i LOVE her. how can you say bad things? how can you not post a photo? Did you know that Diane Sawyer is her mother in law?

I did.

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