"NO ONE PERFORMS PAULATICS.... YET..."

John "Johnny Balls" Quinones attempts to get to the bottom of the Clark/Abdul scandal.

Three days ago, in the wake of Randy Moss' restraining order, we suggested:

Can anyone get Randy Moss' personal punching bag Rachelle Washington on the Giant sideline this Super Bowl?

Surely, I wouldn't put something like that past Belichick had the boot been on the other foot, but does the Giants' brass have enough stones and/or creativity to think of something like that?

The short blurb even elicited quite a bit of commentary on Yardbarker.

Well, maybe I underestimated the Giants' collective brainpower. MediaTakeOut.com indicates that someone in the Giants org might have done just what I suggested. Maybe Giant players are HHR readers? Um. Yeah. That's the ticket.

Here's what a self-identified Giant girlfriend told MTO:

I am [NY Giants player's] girlfriend and I had to tell you about a rumor going around with the players. [Giants player] told me that a big Giants fan bought Superbowl tickets for that woman that Randy Moss beat up and he's paying for all her expenses.

They're saying that if the woman in sitting at the game, Randy Moss won't be able to play because of the restraining order.

Slick right. But good for them. The Patriots are a bunch of cheaters so it serves them right.

In the words of the legendary Pat Cooper, "I am a genius of myself."

The normal school-boy crushes that folks like Madden and King have on Favre, Romo and the rest of the handsome QB club is alarming, but often taken out of context and twisted into more then what it really is; just the media pushing the wholesome, All-American football player.

But then this article is flat-out homosexual adoration.

Brady thrives in role as ‘stud of the NFL’

He smiles so easily and has that aw-shucks thing down so well you want to take a core sample of his brain to see what’s really going on inside the remarkable head of Tom Brady.

Look, I'll admit it. Most guys will admit it. Tom Brady is a good looking guy. We get it. We didn't need him holding baby goats for us to notice. But this article is probably better for the pages of the OUT! Football Issue then on a sports website.

This is what bothers me about this article. Celizic CHOSE this angle. He is a well known writer with an extensive and impressive career. (I just assume wearing that hat should bring with it a pretty good resume. It better bring a god damn Pulitzer to be able to pull it off.) The fact that he actually called his editors and said 'I am writing a story about how easily and handsomely Brady plays the game and how the other guys wish they were like him.' THAT is what bothers me.

Players don't want to be Tom Brady. I bet half the players don't even like Tom Brady. Sure he is a good guy, but he is the good looking, hot chick dating, modeling, millionaire, three Super Bowl winning QB of an undefeated team that could go down as the greatest of all time. The entire league would love nothing more than to see him get face planted into the turf. It's because they are competitors, and not fans. Big difference.

Oh, and Peter King is PISSED right now. This is his schtick a-hole.

NYT: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has forged a moderate record and spoken out against partisanship in Washington, threw his political brawn behind Mr. McCain Thursday after the pair toured a solar energy company here. Calling him “a great American hero and an extraordinary leader.”

In other words, "McCain is Numero Uno."

These body builder-types sure do love the AZ Senator.



Except for Hulk Hogan.

In 2005 & 2006, the WWE and Brock Lesnar were embroiled in a legal dispute stemming from Lesnar's non-compete clause that extended to both pro wrestling and MMA. The dispute ended with a settlement in June 2006 and the case was dropped.

Now, can the WWE be looking to capitalize on their former star and his new profession depending on the outcome of Lesnar's UFC debut this Saturday? Why else would they promote a former employee who left on bitter terms on the main page of their website?

With all those ingredients going into the sandwich, Slacks, which sponsors the WYSP Slack's Hoagie Shack Whack of the Week and regularly advertises on WIP, apparently couldn't afford a professional web designer.

Meanwhile, it looks like they are paying Mitch in hoagies and reefer.

Photo: 610wip.com

Relax, Mitchie Poo, we've already noted we love your broadcast work. Maybe we'll even try some of that Southpaw Salsa.

TSG shows off a collection we hope someday ends up in Joe Sports Fan's worthless card collection.

Three Huckabees For An Obama?

Here's the one that catches our eye.

No mention of the Governor's baseball past?

C'mon Topps!

For nearly four decades, Richardson, a prominent Democrat frequently mentioned as a possible presidential candidate, has maintained he was drafted as a pitcher in 1966 by the Kansas City Athletics.

But an Albuquerque Journal investigation found no record of Richardson being drafted by the A's, who have since moved to Oakland, or any other team. Informed by the newspaper of its findings, the governor acknowledged the error in a story published Thursday by the paper.

"After being notified of the situation (by Journal reporter Toby Smith) and after researching the matter ... I came to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's," Richardson said.

For the record, if anyone's looking to deal, I'm offering a Buddy Biancalana, Steve Jeltz and a Brook Jacoby for a gem mint 10 Kucinich.

I am fat, but even this would keep me away from the chips and dip.

Double Dipping... Yeah, It's Really That Bad

"The way I would put it is, before you have some dip at a party, look around and ask yourself, 'would I be willing to kiss everyone here?' Because you don’t know who might be double-dipping, and those who do are sharing their saliva with you," Dawson told the Times.

At least your mom is cute.

We jested yesterday about these extensive background checks being performed on umpires by MLB. Well, the time for laughing is over as the saga has taken a very serious turn with race-baiting opportunist Jesse Jackson injecting himself into the controversy.

Sorry, Selig. There is only one way out of this pickle.

That's right...kiss it.

Part #2 of Eric G's interview with Paul Ordorff....click here to check it out.

No luck on the picture of the shorts, but thanks to The Sports Hernia for pointing out this fantastic pic to us....



That robe is what, $3-4 million easy? If he gets it from the same place the Nature Boy does.

This afternoon, Page 2's LZ Granderson made a pitch for African-American athletes to cast a vote in this upcoming election, citing predominantly the rise in prominence of half-term US Senator Barack Obama.

A quote he credits Rocket guard Mike James with, "When you see a black man with a legitimate chance to be president of the United States, how can you not be excited?", just about sums up Granderson's apparent point of his column.

An obvious omission in his piece is any reference to issues that would be of interest or importance to the athletes whose apathy bewilders him. Part of the reason is that these, as he describes them, "politically detached millionaires" would likely be surprised with where their interests lie. I think the author knows this. So why bring it up? Therefore, I feel LZ is insulting them by insinuating they should be excited simply based on a candidate's skin color. He cites a quote by Newark mayor (and former Stanford TE) Cory Booker (ed. note: go watch Street Fight by Marshall Curry), "Jesse Owens, Jackie Robinson, Arthur Ashe, Ali -- there are a whole bunch of black athletes who went through hell to bring more racial justice to sports," while in the same breath advocating in the political forum the very thing they fought to overcome - judgment based upon their skin color rather than their ability. (Booker himself in his first effort to become mayor of NJ's largest city was attacked for his skin color - for not being dark or "black" enough).

Unfortunately, race is a major issue in this election, namely in the Democratic primary. Much ado has been made of the impact that Obama has had on the Clinton dynasty's stronghold on the African-American voting bloc. Gender has become another critical issue. Yet, you don't see Granderson criticizing for WNBA'ers for their lack of enthusiasm for the political process in the wake of Sen. Clinton's equally historical ascension as a legitimate female contender.

This race is problematic. Namely because both candidates likely lack credentials or experience to lead the free world. Yet, the likes of Bill Richardson, Mark Warner and others can never compete with their celebrity, or is it their distinction and media attention they garner as a female and African-American?

Granderson is a very intelligent and thought-provoking columnist, but in this case he pitches subjective ideas. He does, however, recover and make a real point when he notes, "...but in this day and age you get the feeling that most who are absent from the process choose to be. Like it or not, they are simply exercising their right not to vote."

For those disinterested in politics and uninformed on candidates and issues to simply pull a lever or push a button for a candidate based on perceptions related to gender or race is the antithesis of what the civil rights movement (and feminist movement) were all about.

Voters should be color-blind and guided by their principles. Similarly, they shouldn't vote for an individual based on his or her gender (or her husband's accomplishments).

To his credit, Obama should excite voters. He is a dynamic and energizing speaker. While this doesn't enhance his lack of experience, it (and not his skin color) should enhance the interest of the electorate. The responsibility, in turn, lies on the public - to educate themselves beyond the sound bites.

The Philly Daily News reports today that everyone's favorite anchor, Alycia Lane, has "filed a praecipe to issue writ of summons, typically a precursor to a lawsuit, against CBS3 Tuesday in Common Pleas Court."

Here's where things get interesting - Lane's personal file which mentions a number of gentlemen with whom the vixen apparently had some sort of rendezvous or another with (innocent or otherwise), that she wants buried:

The legal filing also asks for Lane's CBS3 personnel file as well as any documents related to her Jan. 7 termination and any documents that reference her ex-husbands Dino Calandriello, Jay Adkins, as well as Dr. Phil McGraw, on whose show she cried, Prince Albert of Monaco, whom the New York Post's Page Six reported she had flirted with, and of course Rich Eisen, the married NFL Network anchor to whom Lane e-mailed bikini pics of herself, therefore upsetting his wife Suzy Shuster. Any documents pertaining to Shuster are also being sought by Lane.

But wait! There's more! She's letting her fiery Latina blood boil over and possibly hinting at a race-based suit:

Lane and attorney Rosen have also asked for any documents or personnel files pertaining to the firing by CBS3 of "any other anchor or reporter of Latina descent, African-American descent or the descent of any other minority group." Could Lane, dubbed the "Latina Bombshell" by the People Paper's Stu Bykofsky in 2003, be playing the race card?

No, this isn't an interview with yours truly. Eric G. over at phillyburbs.com had a chance to sit down with a personal favorite of McCormack and mine, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff.

Click here for Part 1 of the interview. We will have Part 2 as soon as it gets posted tomorrow.

(Random side note- I could not for the life of me find a picture of the classic 'Mr. #1 nderful' shorts that Paul used to sport. Those things were great. You'd think in this day and age, someone could have screencaped a good pic of them. Someone get on this for us.)

World Umpires Association (WUA) is irked by MLB's gestapo-like investigation into its members' backgrounds.

Lamell McMorris, a spokesman for the WUA said, "Major League Baseball's security staff is essentially defaming umpires in their communities by conducting, strange, surreptitious and poorly-executed investigations resembling that of secret police in some despotic nation."

Among the investigators' "strange" inquisitions noted by the WUA, "neighbors of Greg Gibson and Sam Holbrook -- MLB umpires who live in Northern Kentucky -- were asked if the two men are members of the Ku Klux Klan."


In addition to eye tests, word is MLB will soon be using a Barcelona-based PI team to go into synagogues and weed out and convert Jewish umps.

Photo: www.tothenextlevel.org

Last night I caught pieces of the interview Fat "Uuuuhh" Mike and Chris had with Cris Carter on WFAN. He continues to prove himself one of the most competent and knowledgeable former pros who now makes a living both in front of the camera and online.

As an Eagles fan, I never begrudged Carter for the success he went on to achieve with the Vikings. When he admitted the reason for his release from the Birds had more to do with his substance issues rather than Buddy Ryan's claim that all he did was "catch touchdowns," part of me was relieved he was finally able to recognize and overcome his demons.

I speak from personal experience.

When I was younger, my youth football league's banquets would often feature local teams' players. Notably, the late Andre Waters had made appearances several years in a row, often bringing younger teammates with him. One year, that younger teammate was a blinged-out Cris Carter sporting a nice full length fur (maybe chinchilla).

As kids lined up for autographs, shortly into the night it became apparent that Carter was in no condition to be around kids, and was asked to leave.

Now fast forward some 20-some years.

On Saturday, Carter deserves to join the ranks of the immortal in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, as do fellow wide receivers Art Monk and Andre Reed.

Carter not only went on to clean up his act and put up Hall-worthy numbers, but has proven himself as an ambassador of the game and a humanitarian with knowledge, contributions, and most admirably, his humility.

Anyone else grown a little unamused by the over the top bullspit that went on yesterday?

When did it turn into a Trekkie convention?

Photo: Scott Halleran/Getty Images

AP Photo/The Arizona Republic, Michael Chow

From Dan Gross' column today in the Philly Daily News

Quite frankly, Stephen A.'s fired

FIVE MONTHS after stripping him of his column, the Inqwaster on Friday fired Stephen A. Smith, citing job abandonment, we're told. Inqwaster editor Bill Marimow offered us no comment. In August, Marimow axed Smith's column and asked him to stay with the paper as a sports reporter. Instead, Smith, an ESPN NBA analyst, took an unpaid leave for several weeks, and was at one point scheduled to return but has repeatedly failed to do so, we're told.

This is good news for fans of Stephen A.'s blog. This means he will have plenty of time for at least 1-2 more blogs a year.

Suck it, Czar.

Before John Czarnecki rolled along (and his waistline suggests he does indeed roll), CNNSI, ESPN, and every other spots outlet always complained whenever a competing writer was mentioned as the best ever. But going unberated by the blogosphere is often the result of a fortunate break (the schedule) or a determined assclown relying on obscurity and a penchant to drink at work. To me, domination is only complete when the piece is finished and the best writer wins (see Horn, Around The). Every writer's best season is football season, namely because hockey and soccer aren't real sports, golf is even more boring to read about, and baseball lasts an eternity. To use the NFL as an analogy: For the legendary Packers team, it was when they actually hoisted Vince Lombardi onto their shoulders. For the Boston Globe reporters it was when they hoisted Ron Borges on their shoulders and threw him the fuck outta there.

Mr. and Mrs. Czarnecki's son John is as focused as they are (were? Sorry, don't know). Every one of his interns, starting with MVP Tom Brady (coincidence), is in lock step with his direction, the bathroom. But I can think of several reporters in the history of the NFL (Newspaper Fuck-up Laughingstocks) that were better at being total jackasses. To me, writing about every game with your foot AND four chicken legs in your mouth isn't everything. To me, championships are everything, including the playoff run. And despite every sentence dripping moist with his own self-indulgent asshattery, John Czarnecki doesn't even make the playoffs.

John Czarnecki is undoubtedly the best sports reporter ever in the free-fact era. I hate to say this, but there are too many bad douchebag reporters these days — reporters without real premises, some with online blogs, and some with too many personnel hugs. Before Peter King found himself in Week 17, the two writers that gave John Czarnecki the most trouble this season were A.J. Adande and Tank McNamara, two perennial backups.

Czarnecki has the fewest holes (he has an outie), but being defensive about his age has begun to show lately based on his inability to dominate in his own home, losing control of the remote to his wife and grandaughters. Fans at Fox Sports still believe last Sunday's column might have been different had the FootballOutsiders people had a healthy Aaron Schatz spoon feeding him numbers.

Without apologies to Czarnecki, here are my top eight "Czars" worthy of our respect:

• Tsars. Same pronounciation but switch the C to T and the z to s. Why? Because they have THAT MUCH POWER
• Czar, West Virginia - it is an unincorporated community. Unlike some longtime editorial consultants of Fox Sports.
• Czar, Alberta - Canadian, I know. That just shows you how far John Czarnecki is from being the best.
• Drug Czars - Actually, I had this confused with Drug Lords, but they are still pretty high up in the food chain, even if they are *cough* Narc! *cough* Narcs! *cough*
• The Rock band, Tsar - Though your fingers are like little drumsticks, the only tune John Czarnecki carries is that of a high fiber diet being released each morning.
• Czar Cannon- A cannon! A fucking cannon! John Czarnecki can barely wheeze through the day, much less deliver accurate artillery fire.
• Czar Alexander III - Crazy bastard.
• Czarniecki (plural: Czarnieccy) is the surname of a Polish szlachta (nobility) family. Because Polish adjectives have different forms for the genders, Czarniecka is the same form for a female family member. See that? It's what they call a woman with a dick.

We aren't much for real news over here, but this is pretty big...

Twins agree to deal Santana to Mets for prospects

As inspired by Willard's post...

Sure he looks the part, but does he have the moves to keep up?

Everyday, I thank Jeebus for YouTube. It's brought so much joy to so many.

Like this...

American Gladiators is such a success (no help from Jeebus on that front) that they are considering a kid's version. Apparently, there already was a kid's version back in 2000. And it was hosted by.....Ryan Seacrest.



Wow, what an overbite on the young Seacrest. Ironic that he went from muscle-suit wearing moron to worldwide celebrity..uhhh...moron in just a few short years.

Star Magazine is reporting: "Impostor Poses As Heath Ledger's Dad"

"Just days after Heath's passing, an impostor pretending to be his dad, Kim Ledger, took advantage of the actor's grieving friends and family!"

HHR received this exclusive police sketch of the perp:

It has become the worst, long-standing joke during the NFL playoffs over the years. The clever little line by your best gal or co-worker about looking forward to Super Bowl Sunday to see the wonderfully cleaver, and outlandishly expensive, ads that are debuted.

While amusing, yes, many of us still tune in for the Big Game itself.

Who am I kidding? As a bitter Eagles fan having to tune in to watch a shitty division rival and the team that ruined our aspirations and prolonged our championship drought a couple of years back, all I care about is the commercials.

For all those as indifferent to this game as I am, see this site sent to us by a reader - SuperBowl-ads.com - for "News, Reviews & History" of Super Bowl commercials of yesteryear.

Be sure to check out a sober (debatable) Joe Willie getting "creamed."

I want to kiss you.

Sad day when your manhood is questioned by a"glam metal parody band" and its fans.

The first time, at least, they went a little easier on him.

Via TMZ:

Tony Romo was dragged onstage last night, but in the end Romo clearly wanted to be a rock star, singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believin' and trying in vain to engage Jessica.

The damage was done at the Key Club in West Hollywood. Romo didn't want to go onstage, but after chants of "p*ssy" erupted from the crowd, Romo relented.

Video Here.

In case you don't have a blog feeder, or gave up on them months ago, ESPN.com wants sports fans to know they now have widgets.

ESPN.com has launched many new widgets that offer scores, stats, and news

The best part of this is that ESPN actually admits blogs exist. And I quote.....

ESPN Widgets are portable applications that you can place almost anywhere! You can put them on your blog, your iGoogle home page, your Facebook profile, and many of the other most popular sites on the internet.

Widgets are the future kids. Now we can throw these on our blogs and Myspace pages (right next to our Eminem collages and the results to the 'Am I sassy' quizzes) and get up to date stories about Who is Now, what 1980's movie ballad the Sports Guy feels best describes the 2007 Patriots and how other ESPN personalities feel about the son of God.

AP: Howard University head soccer coach arrested

"The head coach of Howard University's men's soccer team was arrested after police said he used the Internet to solicit a person he thought was a 13-year-old girl for sexual purposes."

Courtesy of reader Yanni:

There was just something creepy, yet amusing about the body language and look in the classic Belichick picture found by Strikezones and Endzones (via SbB). He looks so Willowish, but sporty.

E! News reports that America's favorite Scientologists are just like us!


Apparently, this is news. We report it (copy it from another site), you decide.

We've just been tipped to a sighting so endearingly dorky it could change our typical cynicism toward camera-friendly TomKat and their extended brood.

Saturay night at Lucky Strike was the scene for a family bowling outing, not just for Tom, Katie and Suri but even Connor and Isabella joined in the fun, according to an eyewitness.

A special section was roped off, and a bodyguard was posted, but otherwise, the fam bowled in full view of everyone else at the alley. (No word on who got the most gutter balls, but our money's on Suri—eye-hand coordination is so tough when you're almost two.)

And we're actually inclined to believe the wholesome evening wasn't just an opportunity for Tom's Operation Rep Rehab, as not one paparazzi image of the pinhead players has surfaced. (The photo above is from earlier this month.)

Of course, we reserve the right to change our minds, but for now we're taking this A-list encounter at face value. Go, Team Cruise!

(In the interest of full-disclosure, I really just wanted to Photoshop the picture.)

Restraining order against Moss extended

Can anyone get Randy Moss' personal punching bag Rachelle Washington on the Giant sideline this Super Bowl?

Surely, I wouldn't put something like that past Belichick had the boot been on the other foot, but does the Giants' brass have enough stones and/or creativity to think of something like that?

Doubt it.

Bugs and Cranker and fellow Carney E. Spencer Kyte wrote a good piece today on Vlade Divac's on and off the court accomplishments. He failed to mention, however, the Serb's body double work for Jean Reno in hit films like The Da Vinci Code and The Professional.

(Photo: AP/Chris Park)

How's about an 8-shot victory to start the year for 'ya?

If Tiger's performance at Torrey Pines is any portent of things to come, the rest of the Tour will simply be playing for second-place checks from here on out.

Lesser players (read: everyone else) would have been entirely consumed by Golf Channel analyst Kelly Tilghman's unfortunate utterance of the word "lynch" and the whole ridiculous media circus that provided the media backdrop for this week's Buick Invitational.

Good thing for his corporate partners at Buick, Tiger is not one of those lesser players. It's quite an understatement to say it, but he completely owned Torrey Pines this week.

In gusty and sometimes wet conditions, he bombed the ball off the tee while keeping it in the fairway, hit a variety of cut, fade and draw approaches that dropped-and-stopped on the pin, his short game was ridiculously good as always, and he holed cross-green putts routinely that the rest of us would have less than a 1-in-50 shot of making.

Tiger will return to Torrey Pines later this summer when the course hosts this year's U.S. Open. Considering how Tiger played this week, I'm more likely to believe that he actually drives a Buick Enclave than someone else will win the Open this year.

Must be a fun time to be a talented Tour Pro and know going into a tournament that you have no shot of winning.

Since getting my hi-def TV, two channels I find myself gravitating to are the Travel Channel and National Geographic.

The latter has taken a nice little turn from simply showing far-off lands and saggy, naked aborigines to programs likely to appeal to a more modern television audience.

Last night I happened to catch Sports Science - Cheap Shots: What does a Cheap Shot feel like in Sports?

Here is how the program is described:

There are rules in sports for a reason. And in this episode of Sport Science, we will show you what would happen without them. We will test what the consequences of being hit in the head with a bean ball without a helmet on are. What does getting low blowed in boxing really feel like? And, oh yeah, being hit square in the head with baseball bat or hockey stick really hurts. But that's nothing compared to being hit in the family jewels by a tennis ball traveling 50 MPH. Don't forget to wear a cup!!

Clearly, the nutshots was by far the most amusing and cringe-inducing.

122 featherweight Abner Mares was retained to repeatedly hit a $100k crash-test dummy in the nether region to try to determine just how much injury can be caused.

Mares' blows were recorded as 389 pounds of force. They went so far as to illustrate the scientific effect on digitized computerized testes. Interesting enough, because the testes originally descended from the abdomen, the abs are what sends a warning to the brain and ultimately where the pain is felt. Additionally, spasms in the diaphragm are what causes the wind to be knocked out of the subject. Worst case scenario, the balls get ruptured.

The most famous boxing incident they highlighted was Andrew Golota / Riddick Bowe (see around 3 min mark at your own risk). The program noted you are better off having bowling ball rolled into your nuts than having a boxer tee off below the belt.

Somewhere Vin Di Bona smiles.

Shaq will go down as one of the top 5 players of all time. Not much to argue. His career stats are impressive. I am more impressed with these numbers...

From today's NY Post gossip section:

An accounting document in the divorce file of Shaq and his wife, Shaunie, obtained by The Palm Beach Post, reveals the Miami Heat star has a routine monthly payout of $875,015 - including $156,116 for mortgages on three homes, $3,345 in phone bills, $1,610 in lawn and pool maintenance, $12,775 for food, $10,065 for electricity, $1,495 for cable TV, $24,300 for gas, $6,730 for dry cleaning, $17,220 for clothing, $2,305 for pets and $110,505 for vacations.

$24,000 in gas? $1,500 in cable bills? Those knees have maybe a season left in them. He better start mapping out a retirement plan if he wants to keep up this lifestyle. I am calling for an acting comeback.



Kazaam 2- Shaq uses his genie powers to make his ex-wife disappear
Blue Chips 2- Spends weekends on campuses of top schools, then skips school and goes straight to the NBA. Needs at least one naked party scene. Shaq not involved.
Steal 2- Uses his suit of armor to rob banks to pay alimony
Scary Movie (whatever they are on)- no need to make a joke, there will be another, he should just sign on.

Checking the popular wrestling website Wrestling Headlines (this is called 'giving credit' or 'blog synergy' as I like to refer to it- we will get into that in a moment) this evening, I came across this story about our good buddy the Warrior. Seems all the bad press has him shaking like his old ring entrance.

On the heels of Ultimate Warrior's controversial blog regarding the sudden death of 28-year-old actor Heath Ledger earlier in the week, he requested police protection from local law enforcement. TMZ reported this on their syndicated show last night as that is what Warrior told them when they asked him for comment. Warrior told TMZ that he's been getting threatening e-mails due to his comments, hence the request for police protection. Despite the threats, Warrior said that he still stands by his comments. The blog is still up on the page. The Warrior story was the lead story on TMZ last night as they showcased his comments and showed footage of him from WWE's DVD release on him two years ago.

I am just going to call a spade a spade. Earlier this year, right around the time of the Benoit murder/suicide, Ren threw the Warrior's blog into his blog feeder. Never thinking anything would come of it but just because the guy is a lunatic, a legend in his own mind, and is good for a laugh once in a while. Anyway, this week the Warrior posted his Ledger comments and both Ren and I knew we were sitting on a gold/land mine.

The story got picked from our site by a few other sites, the biggest being from Deadspin. Every single site credited us for the find and gave links and kudos.

The next day, while surfing through my blog feeder, I noticed that TMZ.com had a story posted about the Warrior and the Ledger blog. Never mentioning how they just happened to come across it. I am sure it's in their list of daily pages to check for celeb gossip, right after Perez Hilton and E! Online. I am sure every available TMZ staff member, upon hearing of Ledger's death, ran straight to their computer to get the reaction of a washed up, ex-juicing wrestler.

Now, am I that full of myself to believe that someone at TMZ.com found the story on our site and ran with it? No. Could it be possible they stole the story off Deadspin, arguably the top sports on the Internet. Yes.

I find it ironic that the MSM hates blogs, yet they sure take enough material from us. Can I even classify a website that follows celebs with cameras and hides in alleys and behind garbage cans as 'media?'

Debatable.

Photos: E! Online

It's not in TO's nature to stand around and have some Pro Bowl quarterback steal all the spotlight on his team. Romo beds a starlet? Terrell grabs an heiress' digits.

The following comes from E! (Paris Does Dallas):

As if Jessica Simpson needed any more bad news outta her home state (Cowboys fans, of course, placed the blame for QB and Simpson boyfriend Tony Romo's playoff loss squarely at her feet), along comes Paris Hilton to steal her Lone Star State limelight.

The blondie heiress was in Texas recently to promote her new flick, The Hottie and the Nottie, and my party pal tells me she done charmed the socks off them locals...including Terrell Owens.

"She didn't act like a diva," says one Dallasite, adding that P posed for pics and signed autographs galore at the premiere. Over at the after-party, held at Ghostbar, Paris took a page from Jess' playbook by hangin' with Dallas Cowboy T.O. (with whom she exchanged digits) and Jason Witten.

Maybe he's just looking into life after football.

In obscure sports bars across the country, the old and young alike will gather for the big rivalry game. The Hope College Flying Dutchmen and Calvin College Knights men's basketball teams have battled each other for 88 years with the series currently tied at 83 apiece.
The rivalry has gained national prominence over the past few years. ESPN ranked it as the fourth greatest college basketball rivalry, and it dominated a national online poll for the fiercest rivalry (I am sure it was scientific and had no margin of error).

These two schools hate each other as much as the Bible allows them to. Separated by about 35 miles in west Michigan, the Division III colleges are populated by Dutch Americans and sprung from a division in the Reformed Church in America.

This isn't just about sports Duke/North Carolina Louisville/Kentucky, this is rooted in religion. Judiasm vs. Islam type stuff.

If you are out on Saturday afternoon, here are a few signs that you have stumbled into a bar showing the game:

• Room divided in two by pairs of maroon and orange wooden shoes.
• Old men wearing maroon sweaters with an Alvin and the Chipmunks-like giant "C" on them.
• On TV, 10 white boys with heights ranging from 6'2" to 6'6" playing basketball.
• Jokes about Jesus loving a particular team best after a 3 pointer.
• Groups dividing the check between each other to the penny.
• Pitchers of water.
• Angry waitresses that just received an exact 15% tip from a large group.
• "Fudge" and "Shoots"
• Children running around with parents younger than you.
• Hope fans whining about everything.

HHR's Player Hater of the Week.



This week's nominees are:

• Warrior for hating on Heath Ledger & gay cowboys.
• Dana Jacobson for hating on Jesus.
• HHR for hating on Dana Jacobson & Jesus.
• Burger King for hating on customers.

And the Player Hater of the Week is...

The burgerless-ass muther-effing low-rate-ass Burger King.



Holla Atcha Boy.

Roger Federer’s ousting from the Aussie Open came as an absolute shock to me. Not because Federer finally didn’t make a Grand Slam final but because he lost to someone named Novak Djokovic. What the hell is a Novak? I don’t follow tennis that closely, but I am not sure if that’s a name or a vodka. So, I went to the CBS Sports Tennis page to see how many other tennis names I didn’t recognize. How do you say ‘a lot’ in Russian? Djokovic is ranked third in the world. Who knew.)

So, I want to make myself feel better, while testing the cluelessness of the HHR readership. I’ve listed several names and hyper-linked to a picture of each. First look at the name and try and guess if it's the name of a tennis player, a brand of vodka, or a James Bond villain. Let me know how many you get right in the comment section.

And don’t run your mouse over the links before hand you cheating bastards.

Kristatos
Stolichnaya
Chekov
Orlov
Pavlioutchenkov
Luksusowa
Soloviev
Blofeld
Koskov
Tursunov
Mor

Person with the most correct gets a Goldfinger in their Octopussy.

What if you had to vote on the Presidential candidates based solely on their obscure sports-related endorsements?

Let's see how they stack up...

Johnny Damon (Giuliani): Baseball Player

World Champion idiot caveman.

Chuck Norris (Huckabee): Karate Champion



Can count to infinity (twice).

Sly Stallone (McCain): Body Builder / Fake Boxer

HGH Advocate.

John Kerry (Obama): Football Enthusiast / Windsurfer


Ability to successfully plummet Presidential campaigns second to none.

Magic Johnson (Clinton): Hoops Legend


Can offer not only clout, but media training as well. Ballaz seem to love Hill.

Warrior (Paul): Pro Wrestler and Pundit



Tassels and face paint for rallies at no extra charge.

Rep. Heath Shuler (Edwards)

Bonus points to Edwards for also scoring Ebby Calvin 'Nuke' LaLoosh and the dorky, short, red-headed skateboarder from Airborne.

In their "Cadillac of..." feature, Fox backhandedly salutes, you the Philadelphia Eagles fan in "Believe in the Bogeymen: The immutable insanity of ‘Iggles’ fans is legendary," as the City of Brotherly love goes up against Cheeseheads and Raider Nation.

We're not faring so well. So, get voting, Philly.

Among the "urban legends" recalled by the author are these infamous accounts:

December 15, 1968: Frank Olivo wears a Santa suit to the last Eagles home game. The Eagles ask him to replace a hired Santa stranded by a snowstorm. Olivo runs downfield while boos and a fusillade of snowballs erupt from a crowd of 54,535. It is no big deal. Local sports writers ignore it, but Howard Cosell broadcasts it on his national sports show. An urban legend is born. Eagles fans: They boo Santa Claus.

December 10, 1989: After accusing the Eagles of putting bounties on his players, Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson is pelted with snowballs by fans, and police must escort him out of Veterans Stadium. One of the alleged participants is rabid Eagles fan and current governor of Pennsylvania, Ed Rendell.

October 10, 1999: Michael Irvin suffers a career-ending injury and is carted off to the cheers of a minority of Eagles fans at the Vet. ESPN’s Rich Eisen characterizes it as 66,000 screaming fans reaching a crescendo as the ambulance leaves. The number of cheering fans grows with every succeeding year.

HT: Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician

E!: Jessica Flags Tabloid for Relationship Interference

While we, the Cowboy-hating football fans of HHR, were as smitten as anyone to hear of the alleged break-up of Cowboy Tony and Joe Simpson's girl, Jess' reps are denying Tony gave the starlet the boot.

"That rag completely fabricated and made up this story," Simpson's rep, Cindi Berger, said in a statement to E! News. "I've spoken to both Jess and Tony and they are completely secure in their relationship and won't let this garbage get under their skin!"

Further, Simpson's legal camp sent "a heated letter to OK! magazine Thursday, demanding the tabloid retract a new article that says Simpson's beau...dumped the In This Skin chanteuse after his team lost to the New York Giants in the NFL playoffs on Jan. 13."

Hopefully this means the rumored country duet is still going forward.

And we pray this doesn't sidetrack his movie project.

This morning was a good evening in Australia. As I brought to you just last week, there is a part playboy/part comic/all-star tennis athlete causing quite a stir down under at this year's Aussie Open.

And as I said just last week about Serbian player Novak Djokovic, "his tennis game isn't half bad either!"

How true those words would be as underdog Djokovic would decimate Mr. Tennis, Roger Federer, in straight sets to reach his second major final. Federer, who has reached 10 straight Grand Slam Finals (there are only 4 a season for those not tennis-savvy), was professional as always, even if the crowd was disappointed.

I can only imagine that Federer must have believed this was all a bad dream!


(Hat-tip to my fave HHR colleague, Rev. Shaw Moore, for the early morning wake-up to this news...but Mrs. Rev must be pissed you were up reading sports that early in the morning!)

Courtesy of our friend Illuminati at The Third I, a light switch only Dana Jacobson (and the chief) could appreciate.

Hooters celebrates 25 years of ripping men off, by giving back to customers.

25 years ago, a couple businessmen decided that what Clearwater, FL needed to fill the void left when the Phillies headed north after spring training was a restaurant-bar with mediocre food and lots of women in tight, little, orange, hot-pant shorts to serve the hard-luck men patronizing the place. Oh yeah, and to name the restaurant shrewdly after a certain feature of the female anatomy, that could also be turned into a cleverly marketable owl mascot.

Today, that one establishment in Clearwater, ex-employer to the ex-Mrs. Darren Daulton, turned itself into a proven commodity with over 435 restaurants across the globe.

On Friday, Hooters kicks off its 25th Birthday.

Says Mike McNeil, Vice President of Marketing for Hooters of America, "Since our humble beginning, Hooters has had many great moments along the way and also a few tears. We have been defined by championships, charity, marches and media coverage. The Hooters Owl has been seen on potato chips, race cars, casinos, credit cards and calendars. This year Hooters will top $1 Billion in sales with close to $40 million of that in Hooters logo merchandise. At 25, Hooters stands as a leader, not only in the restaurant industry, but also as an icon of popular culture."

Help Hooters celebrate. If you need some enticing, they will have a $25,000 giveaway on the 25th of every month this year (among other prizes). It's the least they can do for ripping horny and/or delusional guys too cheap or too ashamed to hit up strip clubs for all these years.

Photo: hardhatbrotherhood.com

Simon's moobs are perky. Ren is nodding in disgust.

That is all.

Alstott, who won Super Bowl with Bucs, retires from football

Congrats to Mike on retirement and for finally ending it after the eighteenth concussion. I imagine he will spend the rest of his days letting someone play chess for him then show up for the checkmate, finishing the final word of his wife's crossword puzzles, and possibly joining the worldwide leader because NFL Live needs one more white, ex-NFL star mediocre player.

Pull up a chair between Lil' Sean and the Soap Opera guy.

Global Footprint.

What did you think we were going to say?

Sickos.

According to Soccer America daily, with reference to data provided by the British environmental group Carbon Trust, the Los Angeles Galaxy superstar is responsible for 163 tons of carbon dioxide yearly — compare that to the normal 9.4 tons the average Englishman produces.

Beckham's Carbon Footprint — a measure of the impact human activities have on the environment in terms of the amount of green house gases produced, measured in units of carbon dioxide — may be the largest in human history.

See, blame the Brits, not the Americans.

McCain Impersonates Rocky...

USC (Read: Pete Carroll, our God) has again proven his ability to recruit all-star athletes is second to none.

LA Times: Quarterback Matt Barkley of Santa Ana Mater Dei, considered the No. 1 high school football prospect in the nation for the class of 2009, abruptly ended the recruiting process on Wednesday by announcing he had committed to USC.

And, as such, this is how excited Woody can get!!!

Proving everything is always on the up-and-up when it comes to SEC football recruiting comes this little nugget from New Orleans:

Top Rated Recruit Tackles ACT Again

Apparently, Patrick Johnson - a highly-ranked defensive back from Pompano Beach, FL - had narrowed his list of schools down to Florida, Florida State, and LSU.

Spurning the two suitors from his home state, Johnson committed to LSU. Soon after, an unnamed source referred questions about his academic eligibility to the NCAA, throwing his recruitment into flux with the Tigers.

Johnson says it was Florida.

In any event, Johnson looks like he will be eligible to play for the LSU. He had an interesting take on the situation:

"I'm not upset," Johnson said. "Florida made an issue about the ACT score. They're cowards. They had to go behind my back. But that's OK. We play them this year (on Oct. 11 at Florida)."

SEC football. The behind-the-scenes drama is always better than the actual game.

Welcome to the softer side of HHR. It's not too often that we discuss high school sports, but this story was too good and too personal to pass up. Unfortunately I was not there to attend, but my old high school softball coach was able to win 100 consecutive games as the coach of the girl's basketball team.

Back in the day, I was an All-Public Softball Player. Made the varsity team as a freshman, but mostly because the Philly Board of Ed decided to cut JV sports a few years earlier to save money. Bastards. But, it did feel nice to be one of about 6 girls out of over 100 to make the team.

My coach, Frank Greco, took coaching from the traditional style and really made it personal. The four years I spent on that team built a level of skill, but most importantly a level of self-confidence and determination to be the best athlete I could be. But not just for myself, but for the greater good of our team.

He led our team in my senior year to the school's first Girl's Softball Public League title, and I think like 6 or 7 of us made the All-Public team (all-stars of Philly Public League sports). We like to think we started a dynasty. For a team that was about 12 years old by the time we won, they have only lost 1 championship since.

It makes me proud and happy to read this story today, because as my old Principal mentions in the story, "It's about creating a community. It's about creating something that goes far beyond the basketball court." Sports should always be about something more. Not only did Mr. Greco shape us as athletes, but he shaped us as individuals, and we're better people because of it.

My two girlfriends from HS still regale the days of ole, when we played for Grec, and they were some of the best times. I hope that my children are lucky enough to play for a coach like him.

I really hope that everyone out there reading this can remember why they loved sports so much. This is part of the reason I am the fan I am today. Because it was alwasy about something more. It brought me a sense of importance and contribution and community and responsibility - all lessons that I know helped make me the woman I am today.

Grec - Congratulations - you deserve it!!!!

While Jose Canseco recently found a new publisher for the follow-up book ("Vindicated") to his expose "Juiced," he is having trouble finding someone to pick up book #3. HHR Press, the publishing arm of HuggingHaroldReynolds.com has received an advanced copy, the cover of which can be seen below.

Ever the self-promoting, marketing whiz, Canseco conveniently leaked this the same day it has been reported that he offered to keep Magglio Ordonez “clear” in "Vindicated" if Mags "invested money in a film project Canseco was promoting."

Human Tug of War.

It's funny. Then when the two girls get involved it reaches a whole other level of funny.

ESPN looks at "Forgotten Quarterbacks" on the cusp of the Super Bowl, highlighting similarities of the challenge facing Fredo Manning and that faced by Jeff Hostetler in XXV.

We prefer to compare Hos to his doppleganger (and George and Weezie Jefferson neighbor) Harry Bentley.

Courtesy of Assassin Avenue:

UCLA Sees Game Plan for Success in Chow
--headline, Los Angeles Times, Jan. 22

Meanwhile, Charlie Weis sees Mother Theresa in his Cinnabuns and Jesus in his pirogi.

I have to say, this whole "couples" thing is good. NBC kudos to you. I'm diggin' this season (and secretly, I think Ren is, too).

So at the end of last week's episode you find out that the loser's are going to have to choose one team to sort of "play" against. Alison asks them that if they had to pick a team to leave, who would it be.

The majority chose Yellow.

Last night, it was basically all the other teams against the Yellow. At weigh-in, the total average percentage weight loss for the other 6 teams would have to be beaten by the Yellow team, or else they'd go home automatically. If the Yellow team beat the average, well then they single-handedly would get to send one of the other teams home.

This season has been more emotional for the contestants probably because they are going through the experience with a loved one, and for better or worse an enabler that helped them plump up in the first place. There has been much less game playing (until this show) but much more emotional baggage for these peeps to deal with.

Because some of the teams were confident that they'd be in that soft spot of Kelly and Paul's heart, they could be a bit more aggressive at weigh in.

Chris Griffin and Mom (Orange team) decided to test their fate by purposly losing only a few pounds each. This effectively lowered the combined average weight loss for the others and helped the Yellow team win.

These people are starting to wise up. You need to play the game to win. And if you get eliminated in the process you should have enough determination to continue your weight loss on your own at home.

Yellow team wins the weigh in, and sends the pink team home mostly because they were one of the teams that put them in that position in the first place.

NBC has been good at throwing in the twists, and next week will begin an even bigger challenge for the losers. Instead of team eliminations, a team will lose the player that they've relied on most. Not only is this hard to go through on your own, but now you're taking away built in support systems. I'm telling you.... might seem cruel, but it makes for damn good TV.

Now that Dana Jacobson has been reprimanded, HHR can exclusively reveal the behind the scenes machinations that resulted in her suspension:



Side Note: can you believe I used a word like "machination"?! I don't even know what one looks like in the open, much less how it appears behind the scenes. Either way, I like to think it has a bushy beard and cool top hat. Kinda like Abraham Lincoln. But of, you know, machinations. Man, this glue tastes awesome.

From ESPN RSS feed: Seymour responds to accusations of dirty play

No dirty play happened. Jane denies motorboating incident on Cleary family compound. Will not confirm whether cans are built for comfort or speed.

Owen Wilson is a liar.

Video of accusations:

THIS GUY!

While the Iron Sheik is now infamous as the washed-up, senile grappler of yesteryear, there is one other spandex-clad cartoon-like hero we always turn to for inappropriate, untintentional comedy...The "Don't Call Me Ultimate" Warrior.

Sometime ago I plugged his musings "Warrior's Machete" into my RSS feed.

Like many in the entertainment and media industries, today he reflected on the life and works of the late Heath Ledger ("dead long before 28"), star of (as Warrior puts it) Bendover Brokeback. The blogosphere is full of inappropriateness. Few rival the Machete in this category.

To sum up Heath's passing, Warrior will leave you with this:

"His kid is without a father, yes, but the negative influence is now removed and his own child has the chance for a full recovery."

Seriously, go read it.

"It is sad and tragic….that we don’t demand attention be paid to greater things."

Osi Umenyora wants you to Play him Loose

Umenyiora, who is dating Victoria's Secret model Selita Ebanks, told Fox Business Network's Rebecca Gomez, "Yes, I have a girlfriend. Kind of girlfriend. I'm a very difficult guy to love. I have issues. Abandonment issues from when I was younger, psychological issues. I have a tough time truly committing myself."

Couple other issues he doesn't want to mention out loud. Last thing he wants is a 'regular' girl who 'cramps' his style. He wouldn't be able to 'stomach' that.

'Drop her like a duece.'

'Poopies'

I sent Ren the link to the Ladies... wrestling challenge at 10:46 this morning. In under 25 minutes, he completed the list. What will the prize be? I'm hoping for Ren's sake it involves dignity and forgiveness for knowing this kind of crap. My personal knowledge-base related to grown men in Speedos was never something I brag about.

Anyway, here are Ren's answers:

UPDATE: Until the contest is over, we won't publish the full list. I think I was supposed to follow some sort of submission instructions, but I get confused easily when there are no pictures.

AP Photo

While the diagnosis is unfortunate, does anyone else see the humor in this headline? Thankfully the "tests showed the cancer was isolated." And the Nuggets noted: "The recovery rate is extremely high. In addition, the odds of a recurrence are very small."

As such, laugh at the headline.

From SI's RSS Feed:

Nuggets: Nenê's testicular tumor was malignant
from SI.com
Read full story for latest details.

This has absolutely nothing to do with sports unless you are training for the IFOCE, but it's too damn funny not to share with our faithful readers.

Phils name giveaways, parties and 'dog dates'
By REN MCCORMACK (suggestions and comments in red)


Jimmy Rollins and Jamie Moyer bobble figures. "Whammy hands." Two Ballgirls Days with a dunk tank (end up in jail tank). Jewish Heritage Night and Italian Heritage Night. And the return of Hula Night.

Jimmy Rollins and Jamie Moyer bobble figures- Replaces JD Drew and Scott Rolen D Battery night
Hula Night = Exploit Shane Victorino Night

Pre-opener exhibitions: Toronto Blue Jays, 7:05 p.m. March 28, and 1:05 p.m., March 29 (Scouts Day, in which Boy and Girl Scouts can run the bases - if they sign up in advance. Also a Dollar Dog Day.)

Throw Away your Money Night

Opening Day: 3:05 p.m. March 31. Ceremonies, mini NL East Champion pennants.
followed by Swept by the Rockies Night

"Opening Night": 7:05 p.m, April 2. Retro baseball T-shirt giveaway. Also a Dollar Dog Night.) (AKA "Kick off to the 'wait til next year campaign')

Fireworks (in Victorino's pants): July 9, 7:05 p.m.; July 11, 7:05 p.m.

Businessperson's Specials (1:05 p.m. unless noted): April 3 (alternate home uniform debut); April 17; June 5; June 18; July 10; Aug. 7; 4:05 p.m. Sept. 10).

Skip work and get drunk day. Instead of go to work and get drunk day.

Dollar Dog Dates (7:05 p.m. unless noted): 1:05 p.m. March 29; April 2; April 15 ; April 29; May 13; May 26; June 3; Aug. 7; and Sept. 9.

Discount dollar lap dances at Show N' Tell

Rooftop Thursdays: Every Thursday home game has exclusive party area on the Ashburn Alley rooftop. Look for "theme nights" on Phillies ticket page online.

Lee Elia Bleacher Bum Remembrance Night

Ethnic-themed nights (food, entertainment, more): Asian Pacific Celebration, April 18, 7:05 p.m. (Mets); Irish Heritage Celebration, May 16, 7:05 p.m. (Blue Jays); Italian Heritage Celebration, July 12, 7:05 p.m. (Diamondbacks); Hula Night, July 13, 1:35 p.m. (Diamondbacks, features Shane Victorino "Flyin' Hawaiian figure); Jewish Heritage Celebration, Aug. 21, 7:05 p.m. (Nationals); Latino Family Celebration, Sept. 12, 7:05 p.m. (Brewers).

Asian Pacific Celebration - Safeco Field Night
Irish Heritage Celebration/Italian Heritage Celebration Every day in Philly Night
Jewish Heritage Celebration.....ehhh... Wont Go There
Latino Family Celebration= 2007 Met Collapse Remembrance Night

Jackie Robinson salute: April 15, 7:05 p.m. (Astros). (Philadelphia fans reminded salute is not a middle finger)

Appreciation dates: Teacher Appreciation Night, May 2, 7:05 p.m. Mother's Appreciation Day, May 4, 1:35 p.m. Father's Appreciation Day, June 1, 1:35 p.m. Fan Appreciation Day, Sept. 28, 1:35 p.m. (How about Dead Beat Dad's Night? Parole Officer Night?)

Senior Stroll the Bases: June 5, 1:05 p.m. (NOT to be confused with Jamie Moyer Day)

Sound of Philadelphia Celebration: June 20, 7:05 p.m., Philadelphia International Records cohosts event featuring musical performances. (Wish we were Motown Night)

Giveaways: Jimmy Rollins MVP baseball & collectible tin (dip tin featuring the Dude), for fans 14 and under, April 12, 7:05 p.m. (Kids' Opening Day); NL Champions cap (Rockies?), for children 14 and under, April 13, 1:35 p.m.; schedule magnet, all fans, April 16, 7:05 p.m. ; Jamie Moyer bobble figure, for all (senior citizen) fans, April 30, 7:05 p.m.; Chase Utley Growth Chart (sick), for children 14 and under, May 3, 7:05 p.m. (Youth Baseball Celebration includes young players in pregame parade); adjustable visor, for women 15 and over, May 4, 1:35 p.m. (Mother's Appreciation Day); Paint-the-Phanatic Figurine, for children 14 and under; May 18, 1:35 p.m. (Phanatic's Birthday); Fightin' Phils Cap (700 Level Fan Appreciation), for all fans, May 27, 7:05 p.m.; men's cap (mushroom?), for men 15 and over, June 1, 1:35 p.m. (Father's Appreciation Day); Jimmy Rollins MVP bobble figure, for all fans, June 4, 7:05 p.m.; delivery truck, for children 14 and under (they dont have licenses yet), June 17, 7:05 p.m.; Back-to-School Lunch Pail (philly stopped providing school lunches?), for fans 14 and under, Aug. 24, 1:35 p.m.; 2009 schedule magnet, for all fans, Sept. 28, 1:35 p.m. (Fan Appreciation Day). (Thanks fans, here's a .10 cent magnet)

For more information, go to www.phillies.com huggingharoldreynolds.com

Normally we read headlines too quickly around here, which leads to confusion.

We've been laughing at this story all morning because every news outlet made some mention of 'hands' and 'brushing nuggets'. (Fine, we are juvenile. Noted) We've been thinking of a way to make it perverted (Ok, I was) until MSNBC decided this headline was a keeper. We took our time on this one and it still shouldn't have made it past the editors at MSNBC Sports.

Short-handed Lakers brush aside Nuggets

A short handed man touching himself. Kobe Bryant having his way sexually with a Chicken McNugget. These are the thoughts that crossed my mind.

But then this pic was found. These guys are so cute I couldn't bring myself to violate them like that.



They are damn adorable. Except that blonde in the back. Look at that lipstick.

Bet she likes being double-dipped. Two different sauces.

Whore.

Qaeda recruit Padilla sentenced to 17 years


Too bad he couldn't be 'converted' into a decent pitcher.

Heading into the Super Bowl, the chief pulls away & is sitting pretty. No one has the max # of players (6), while no one has the minimum either (2).

Franchise	Points	Remaining
the chief "Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!"	562	5
Bugs & Cranks	526	4
Going Five Hole	521	5
Obscure Sports Quarterly	519	4
Fat Willard HHR	516	5
Rev. Shaw Moore HHR	512	4
The Loogy Lounge	511	5
The Poop Squad	498	3
Assasin Avenue	490	5
SVP Style "Los Dynamitos"	487	4
Meech1	487	4
CR Dunbar HHR	483	4
National's Pride	480	3
The Camel Clutch	478	3
The Sports Kolache	473	4
Extra Mustard	456	4
Brahsome	454	4
Reader Marc	453	4
Lazy Eye	435	5
Ren HHR	427	4

Going into the Super Bowl, Giants fans should be less concerned about Tynes' foot than that suspicious "toe" he's got...

Photo Credit: Getty Images

An ever-more-tanned-each-week Jay Glazer and Oscar!

Courtesy of our friend Scrap at on205th Grizz coach Marc Iavaroni and Officer Francis Muldoon.

While overlooked on most sports sites, with the exception of regular sports observer DCScrap, among others, it's been all over the celebrity gossip blogs that (apparently) Jess Simpson wants to do a country duet with her father's boyfriend Cowboy Tony.

While many blast this as absurd, Tony has a ton of practice singing and strumming as evidenced in the picture below.

Photo: CNNSI

Just watch your nose in Nashville, Tony. Don't hassel the Hoff.

I've been walkin' these streets so long
Singin' the same old song
I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
Where hustle's the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There's been a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone

Well, I really don't mind the rain
And a smile can hide all the pain
But you're down when you're ridin' the train that's takin' the long way
And I dream of the things I'll do
With a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe
There'll be a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Rhinestone cowboy
Gettin' cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Gettin' card and letters from people I don't even know

Congratulations to Tampa Bay wideout Michael Clayton on his nomination.

Juno, Michael Clayton Among Top Oscar Nominees

Photo: umfleague.com

I am starting to hate the Super Bowl. Not the game itself but everything that surrounds it. It began as a sporting event and evolved into a party/get together. Everyone throws a party, trying to top everyone else. It's the third most popular drinking night behind the night before Thanksgiving and New Years Eve.

It's turned into a hassle.

In honor of the Super Bowl and super fans everywhere I, Fat Willard, am instituting a new rule. One unbreakable rule that shall be honored by all party throwers, parents, friends, relatives, co-workers, or those buying only cubed cheese platters and inviting three people and calling it a party.

First off,let me explain the origin of this rule. For the first time in seven years, my beloved New York football Giants are in the Super Bowl. In November, my uncle (Eagles Fan) purchased a large, flat panel television on which you can see the exact space, in inches, between Michael Strahan's teeth and the Green Bay Bikini girls looked semi-bonable. (Quick side rule: Never date a woman who will wear a bikini in the -3 Green Bay weather. She is crazy. You will forget to smile one afternoon and find yourself hanging pantless from the back of a Chevy Tahoe as Carrie Underwood's 'Before he cheats' blares repeatedly from the radio.) My dad (also a Jints fan) after seeing the television made a 'we are watching the Super Bowl over here' joke and we all laughed. Over the holidays (and three pints of Egg Nog laced with Bailey's Irish Cream) the idea was again mentioned. My father and I both agreed we'd watch the game over my uncle's house with my uncle, aunt (Eagles fan) and cousin (Raiders fan....yes, seriously.)

Fast forward to Sunday night. In the midst of celebrating I get a text from my cousin saying 'congratulations, don't forget the super bowl party.'

SON OF A LARRY TYNES!

So, with that huge buildup and explanation, we come to what shall hereforth be known as THE RULE.

If your team is in the Super Bowl, you are automatically excused to watch the game wherever and with whomever you choose.

As a fan who followed the team through training camp, regular season, the ulcer filled playoffs and every other mind-hump and heart-punch they have thrown at you these past 5 months, you have earned that right. You should watch the Super Bowl in in your lucky chair, sip from your lucky mug, wear your lucky shirt you haven't washed since Week 11, toss your lucky ball in the air and yell at people for moving things and turning off lights that you are convinced may somehow affect the outcome of the game (you do that, don't deny it).

Invite who you so chose. You do not have to be in someone else's house surrounded by non-fans, opposing team fans, or the 'everybody shut-up the commercials are on' chick. You don't have to bring food or drinks for anyone but yourself. You can avoid the 'sorry they lost guy' or 'it was fun' girl and won't have to apologize when you mistake the remote for a javelin. If they win, you celebrate alone, but thats why cell phones, text messages and emails were invented. (Caution- those things can work to torment you, so if your team is about to lose, shut them off mid-4th quarter and pray for snow to cancel work)

And on a side note, I mean seriously, how the hell was I supposed to know the Giants would make the Super Bowl? Show me the person, ANY PERSON, who picked the Giants to go to the Super Bowl and I'll show you a guy who is most likely dating one of the bikini girls and out of his fargin' gord!

I still love my family and this is nothing personal. It's just sports. I have spoken my peace. So let it be written, so let it be done.

(Editor's Note- THE RULE has a stipulation that shall forever be known as the Ariel Amendment. It reads "If I don't give a shit about the game, I ain't going nowhere." This rule applies to non-football fans, pregnant women, the elderly, Richard Simmons, and Super Bowls where unimportant teams and fanbases are involved and game promises to be as titillating as CSPAN book reviews from the early 90's. Case in point, Steelers vs. Seahawks 2005. Who won the MVP and what was the final score? Unless you like either of these teams, you have no idea. Stop Googling it.)

(Editor's Other Note- hehehe...titillating)

As my HHR colleague, Fat Willard, reported on January 15th, former friend/icon/offensive coordinator for USC Norm Chow was dropped by the Titans after a less-than-stellar (I'm being generous) tenure.

Trojans across the country forgave Chow for ditching Troy to go play in the big leagues...we wished him luck, in fact. Now we will want to bring him to his knees!

As the AP is reporting, "Former USC Assistant Norm Chow Joins Coaching Staff at UCLA as Offensive Coordinator". That's it, he's dead to us.

One is light on his feet, light in his skates, and has the tight frame of a pre-teen.....and the other is Gold Medaler Scott Hamilton....



Separated at Birth? How about identical twins? I mean...
Mark Hamil...
Scott Hamil-ton....

Are we really the first to crack this one?

Or did they share him?

Ice Skater Scott Hamilton & His Wife Have a Boy

National Journal/Hotline on Call:

With polls showing Rudy Giuliani down his home state, the former New York City found a local slugger to go to bat for him.

New York Yankees centerfielder Johnny Damon stumped for Giuliani today at the Presidential Ballroom at Church Street.

• Daily News Q & A With Damon
• AP: Giuliani Laps Daytona Track in His Bus

You may have noticed recurring two cut-away shots to the luxury suites yesterday during the NFC Championship Game - One to Eli's girlfriend (Archie) and the other to...well, read below...

It's always seemed so blissful. Maybe it's the way the man, his relationship to his family, his overcoming addiction, his gunslinging ways are embraced by NFL pundits far and wide. But the marriage of Brett Favre to the state of Wisconsin has been undermined to his personal marriage. Not to Peter King, but to Deanna.

By all accounts the pair are a formidable duo. Since her diagnosis with breast cancer in 2004, Deanna has likely helped and inspired as many off the field as Brett has on it.

Unless you are a Packer fan.

You see, Brett and Deanna were married on July 14, 1996, the year in which the Packers last saw a championship season.

As Brett yet again contemplates another retirement after a no-doubt Hall of Fame career, perhaps team captain Donald Driver should take the lead of fellow wideout Terrell Owens and call for the retirement of his quarterback's main squeeze from attending Packer football games.

Hollywood has gotten the best of Brett since his marriage. We see him in hit movies, hocking redneck jeans.

Concentrating on anything but football.

The legacy of the storied Packer franchise deserves better than seeing errant interceptions and loses to the likes of Fredo Manning, which only prove Brett's head is occupied in the stands by his starlet.

We chastise poor Jessica Simpson and Cowboy Tony, we deify the Farves.

Sliding into Home finds this great recap of the Giants of New York vs. the Packers of Green Bay professional football contest.

Out of curiosity, I clicked on Pete King's article today to see if it was stained with Favre-induced tears. Instead he tries to go all Henry David Thoreau meets Bill Ney on us.

Never one to disappoint, though, I spit my coffee out when I came across this line:

"They practiced with the frozen balls last week. "

Poetic, yet scientific, indeed.

I aim to please!

I was wrong. I apologize.


GAME OVER: Giants 23, Packers 20

Nike made me witness a new commercial this weekend. The new inspirational Air Jordan spot entitled "Become Legendary."

The commercial begins with Jordan boldly stating that "it is not about the shoes." An interesting concept for a shoe commercial. It is clear that this is going to be a classic inner-strength Nike spot.



The commercial takes advantage of the resurgence of high school video from the YouTubes. We have all seen the Reggie Bush high school montage and the amazing junior high kid that dominates hockey. We love old school footage.

The spot has strong overtones of the commercial from Mel Gibson's What Women Want (don't ask me why I know this) with the voiceover, but these tomes are Lombardi-esque and smart. Another issue is that while I consider myself a sports fan and can recognize just about any athlete during a interview, I can only guess to whom some of these athletes are. Since we are giving props to them as high school athletes, can't they put in the corner in an elegant font the name of the person and the high school? Maybe then I can comprehend more thoroughly the desire of the athletes.

However, the biggest concern is the contradictory nature of this commercial for Nike and the shot Mars Blackmon takes on his credibility. For years, I have been under the impression that "it's gotta be the shoes." Admirably, Jordan refutes the claim to Mars and is consistent with this voiceover, but as Mars showed, that is not the position of Nike.

The question is then if it is no longer about the shoes, why should I buy Air Jordans rather than Starbury Ones?

The commercial has a good message, but it fails to promote the product, the Air Jordan XX3, which I guess boxers, basketball, football and baseball players wear.

If you watched the Pats-Chargers game, you may have seen CBS' promos towards the end of the 4th Quarter for what's coming-up following the post-game ceremonies.

7PM: CBS News Presents: The Age of Warming.

Around which time you probably flipped over to the Fox pre-game show to see Howie, Kurt, Jimmy and Terry freezing their balls off broadcasting during the coldest day at Lambeau since the Ice Bowl.

Maybe they can do their part ala NBC and turn the lights off during the broadcast. Apparently that should help combat the climate.


Update (6:51 PM EST): Bock and Aikman just through a stat up that this NFC Championship Game is the 3rd coldest in NFL history.

We may be heading for an ice age. It's time for SI to bang out a "Sports Global Freezing" special issue for all our sakes.

Recently we have seen wise decisions by larger media outlets as well as newspapers of all sizes finally recognizing the popularity and influence of blogs and their audiences.

At HHR we often cite two of our friends over at phillyBurbs.com - The Camel Clutch's Eric and The Third I's Illuminati.

Looks like there is another person over at the site we may need to keep our eyes on, albeit for a totally different reason.

You see, site affiliate the Courier Times has decided to get with the times and do what we believe is an unprecedented MSM live journal during the AFC Championship Game. Ground breaking, right?

(For those of you who don't know what a "live journal" is, either check out the one the chief is doing, or allow the writer to explain: "If you want a barometer for what we’re hoping to achieve here, check out Bill Simmons on ESPN who writes usually about the NBA Draft. A lot of wise guy observations.")

Now, as we mentioned, we will be monitoring this new writer. Here's a snippet of his "work" that should be self-explanatory as to why:

Some first quarter thoughts from Patriots-Chargers.

• Can you imagine the outrage if LT didn't give it more of a go in this town in this spot? Two runs and he's under the jacket already.
• Tom Brady is human- who knew? Missed on his first two throws- then throws a pick inside his own territory.
• Diet Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper? What doesn't fit in this equation? Who were the ad wizards who came up with that one?
• Everytime I see Belichick, a followup to Adam Sandler's song "Red Hooded Sweatshirt" pops into mind.
• The lead broadcast crew of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms have the mysterious ability to put me asleep. Can't tell you why.
• Nate Kaeding? Seriously, the Chargers can't find a better kicker than Nate Kaeding?
• Brady throws a pick, the Bolts only get three points out of it…. anyone else think that's a sign of trouble for San Diego?

Please, go indulge yourself.

Remember, this guy is paid for that in-depth insight. Our crap may be no better, but we don't do it for a living.

And...

BOOM goes the dynamite.

This weekend has been long already. I can't tell if I'm purely hungover or just emotionally destroyed after realizing that at 2AM last night I was screaming the lyrics to 'Since U Been Gone' along with the cover band (and the rest of the bar). At the time it seemed meaningful and appropriate. Now, it just seems like a really crappy song. Behold the power of beer.

Pregame: Shannon Sharpe is talking and I throw the remote at the TV. Remote breaks, so I drive to get a new one at Radio Shack. Come home, remote doesn't work without batteries - and go to CVS for batteries. Back again, pregame rambling is over. I think I might do this every game to be honest.

Our announcers are Jim Nantz (JN) and Pheeel Seeeemms (PS). Cue the overly dramatic music!

==========================================

First Quarter, First Half

14:14 - Philip Rivers has a 'tender' right knee. This marks the first time he has ever been described as being 'tender' in any way. Throws a low, tender pass for an incompletion. 3 and out. Nice

13:21 - 5 yards for hitting the punter is always worth it. Replay shows the punter doing his best soccer flop. The punter is the only player on the field that is always surprised to be hit. Effing punters.

13:08 - Brady overthrows the other Brady by a mile. And.... that's the Antionio Gates show everyone! G'night!

12:11 - LT on the bench now too. Was the first series a fake of some kind? Now Gates is back. Norv is playing mind games. Rivers has a big case of Manning Feet. That tender knee being right out there in the open might have something to do with that.

10:26 - Pats DB Samuel just outjumped a 6'5" receiver. Suck it. Gates had an 'equipment issue' which required a trip inside. This dude's toe is the most amazing toe ever. Why not just saw the sucker off? It would be less trouble. And punt.

8:19 - Double super mega pass interference on the Chargers.

6:45 - Michael Turner just steamrolled through that Pats, who as of late have had trouble with open field tackling.

5:38 - Junior Seau just ate Rivers. Consumed him.

5:07 - Brady picked off. Wait, Brady? Tom Brady? What the hell? I don't think that's allowed. Add the token Wilfork foul for good measure. San Diego is actually in the red zone. Just give them the TD and let's move on please.

3:05 - Rivers incomplete to Neal who has a striking resemblance to Man-At-Arms.

Can you even tell which is which? Me Neither.

3:00 - Chargers Figgie is (barely) good.

2:42 - Brady clearly thinks all of his receivers are 14' tall. The dude is just overthrowing everyone.

0:24 - Moss improvises in a collapsed reverse and Faulk breaks into the open. Brady getting rid of the ball faster. As Chris Farley used to say, "Me Liiiiikey." But then he died. True Story.

==================================

Second Quarter, First Half

13:48 - NE TD that was Tiananmen-like. Maroney slams it in and begins messing with the heads of everyone who drafted him on their fantasy team and future 2008 owners.

11:00 - Rivers hopping around a lot but it doesn't matter if no one is near him. But you can almost feel an injury coming, can't you? Perhaps someone should cover Vincent Jackson, yes?

10:30 - Phil Sims tell us that Norv said Rivers is about as tough a person as he's been around. Norv fails to see this is a backhanded compliment.

10:00 - Bruschi saves a TD. Again, Rivers had decades to throw. God I hate Philip Rivers.

7:19 - I nodded off during commercial and was woken by my own stench. I'm told Kelly Washington makes a great play, because I can't see anymore. Good God, I don't remember eating roadkill, but the events of last night are foggy. I'm not discounting the possibility.

4:36 - Thank you Asante Samuel. Jabar Gaffney especially thanks you. Pats turn the INT into a TD. Philip Rivers saying 'Goddamnit' in slow motion is 20 kinds of awesome.

2:24 - Rivers just hucks the thing up there. After the INT, the Norv face makes its debut. Brady tries to crush Rivers emotionally throwing his version of Rivers' underthrown ball. Almost intercepted himself.

2:00 - WARNING!!! THERE ARE TWO MINUTES LEFT!!! WARNING!!! HEED THIS ALERT!! STOP THE GAME!!! WARNING!!!

...And that's the half. Nothing really happened in those precious 2 minutes. Jim and Phil haven't said anything totally off the wall yet, so I'm hoping they make some adjustments during the break.

===========================================

Third Quarter, Second Half

13:10 - Brady is 'decked' according to Nantz, who had the kind of passion in his voice that one gets when describing bread.

12:32 - Phil Sims would like to remind us again that the Chargers said they were going to get turnovers. I would like to remind Phil Simms that I would hunt him for sport.

Time out. And I'm pretty sure the crooked politician from the Wire is in a Southwest Commercial. You can shave your 'stache buddy, but I still know its you!

5:54 - I accidentally watched the game for awhile, and forgot what I was doing. Back to business. Moss finally catches something and Phil Simms is clearly aroused. Maroney makes another great run.

2:56 - Antonio Cromartie is officially a Pats receiver. He's been the best at catching Brady's passes today.

============================================

Fourth Quarter, Second Half

13:49 - Finally, the people who own Maroney jerseys don't regret it. He is a bruiser today, peeling off yards on almost every carry. He just lowered his shoulder into a DB and lifted him off the ground. Belichick may just decide to run him until he dies. Seriously.

12:15 - Brady to Welker TD. Another former Charger sticking it to his old team.

9:31 - Bet you anything Philip Rivers plays soccer. Nice flop dbag.

5:49 - San Diego burns a TO to stop the carnage. Their defense needs a chance to ideate, I think.

3:50 - LT looks like the pouting child of Darth Vader on the sideline. And apparently he cries at the mention of a Super Bowl, according to Phil Simms. Meanwhile, Maroney and the offensive line are just mauling the Chargers D.

1:00 - Kneeldowns! Although I think you could make the argument that the Chargers have been on their knees the whole game.

Pats go to the Superbowl! 'Hat and T Shirt games' are the best.

1

Two days ago after Kwame Brown's 7-turnover performance against the Suns, the LA Times wrote: "The boos that rained down on Kwame Brown were the first in recent memory to be directed at a Lakers player at a home game, an event that seemed to stun, if not anger, practically everybody connected to the organization."

The fans behavior particularly irked, among others Kobe, Phecal Phil Jackson and even youngster Jordan Farmar.

This week I spent some time in the nation's capital, visiting with the Dunbars and Rusty. Maybe Kwame should do the same. While he will forever be remembered as MJ's first of many managerial flubs, if you travel up the Northwest corridor of the city toward Silver Spring, MD, nearly every house seems to support the former Wiz:

Photograph by Darrow Montgomery

Well, with little less than a month till the Daytona 500, it's about time for Rusty to emerge from hibernation and start pontificating about the upcoming season.

There's a lot of big changes for 2008, not the least of which is new names for both top series in NASCAR. Nextel Cup becomes Sprint Cup, and the Busch Series becomes the Nationwide Series. Budweiser has also stepped down as official beer sponsor, and Coors Light will be the beer of NASCAR. Whew!

There's also been some big changes in the drivers and teams. Dale Jr.'s moved to Hendrick Motorsports in the #88, and boy is Rusty excited about that. Probably the 2nd biggest move is for Joe Gibbs racing to leave Chevy and head for upstart Toyota. All these changes are going to make for an exciting season, so without further adieu, a few predictions.

2008 Sprint Cup Champion: Jeff Gordon! The Rainbow Warrior was hot last year, one of the hottest drivers on the circuit. Only problem was that JJ was hotter. This year, however, I think Gordon is going to be able to catch and surpass his teammate. Only 1 driver in NASCAR history has captured 3 consecutive titles, and I just don't think JJ is going to match that feat in 2008.



Biggest Disappointment: Joe Gibbs Racing. With the change from Chevy to Toyota, expect JGR drivers to struggle. Add that to the fact that now the three biggest hot heads in the sport are on the same team; Smoke, Denny Hamlin, and the Shrub; and I expect this team to have a horrible year. It wouldn't surprise me if by summer the drivers were barely speaking to one another.

Best Team: Hendrick Motorsports. No surprise here, but HMS was the most dominant team last year, especially with the COT. Now, in 2008 having all races with the COT, expect them to continue if not increase their dominance. Don't forget they've got the sports biggest names in Gordon, JJ, and June-bug. Oh yeah, and Mears is no slacker.



Rookie of the Year: Regan Smith. This year's candidates could be called the "open wheel crew" with Carpentier, Franchitti, and Villeneuve all coming over to stock car racing. Driving the #01 for DEI Regan will improve on his decent showing from last year. He's got a weak field of competition for ROY, so i think we'll see a slightly lower finish for ROY in 2008, but Smith should take it relatively easily.

And last but not least:

Dale Jr's Performance. I'm not going to go as wild as DW, who predicted June-bug will win the 500 and about 5 more races. I think little E's going to have a greatly improved year. He will break his losing streak, and win a few races. I would imagine about 2 or 3 races in total. But the biggest improvement will be consistent equipment that allows him to finish in the top 5 in the championship standings. But best of all, he's going to be having fun again. We are going to see the Jr from 2004, and not the bummed out fellow from 2005 - 2007.

So, that's what I anticipate for 2008 NASCAR. It's going to be a wild ride, so as DW says, "reach up there, tighten those belts one more time, and . . . . BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY, LET'S GO RACING!!!!!!"

I used to be a huge hockey fan before the lockout but then lost interest once it finally came back. Ren has never really been a fan but now has a huge flat screen and HDTV and admitted to watching just because it looked so cool. Once football is over I can see myself getting back into it because Ren has a huge flat screen with HDTV.

Till then, Going Five Hole tells me whats important. Sid the Kid out for a month is pretty important.

The Dreaded SI: For Kids Cover Jinx Strikes Sidney Crosby



I am no doctor but aren't you just supposed to ice the swollen area?

UPDATED- 11:31 with video

Thanks to the Zoner for the link to the vid....

Click here to watch.

With Ren out of town this week, I can actually watch what I want to watch in the morning, which is usually reruns of Saved by the Bell, or the Today Show.

This morning I caught an interview with Matt Lauer and Sylvester Stallone on the Today Show. I assumed it was about the new Rambo movie, but of course the glib Lauer had to bring up the HGH charges Rocky faced last March.

The conversation turned uncomfortable when Lauer pushed the HGH issue. Did anyone else catch this? It was pretty interesting. Sly was defending the substance, stating something to the effect that you can't just be unfit and take HGH and think you'll be ripped. You really need to have a foundation to work from.

In the last 10 secs of the interview, Lauer forced the issue a bit more, and then Stallone turned it back onto him, joking around and asking if he was juicing because he looked bigger. Even challenged him to a blood test. The interesting part though is that in mid-sentence, Today cut to commercial.

Now, maybe I am looking a bit into this, but it just seemed a bit strange. Usually they'll do a "We'll be right back" even when someone is still trying to get their point across, but there was none of that.

Anyone else see this? Haven't been able to find video of it yet....

Sent in from friend and reader Art Vandeley...

In the Summer of 2006, two young men, Terrell a brash and misunderstood wide receiver and Antonio an aspiring quarterback and wanna-be-celebrity, are brought in to work together to bring a championship to America's Team. What had otherwise been anticipated to be a rather eventful venture (13-3 and top seed) would soon turn into an affair of love, of lust, and complications (losing in the first round two straight seasons) that will spand through countless seaons of their lives. Through trips to Cabo, attempted suicides that might not have happened, and the mighty grip of societal confines and the expectations of what it is to be a man.

Terrell Owens. Tony Romo.


(If you are the person responsible for this amazing photoshop job, let me know and I will credit and name my first born after you.)

Burt Reynolds Will Kick You If You Try To Steal His Toupee

“I wear wigs once in a while. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. It’s all a joke really. I always say, ‘If you can get it off my head before I kick all the air out of your body, let’s do that. One good thing, no matter how old I get, is that people say, ‘He’s crazy; he’ll kick you.’ I have that reputation, so I just stick with it.”

The guy is 71 years-old. I have to be honest. He probably wears the hair-hat just to tempt people. I wouldn't test him.

The man sweats macho.

Each Hugger has their "sport" (if you can call Ariel's infatuation with reality tv a sport) and it is my turn to reveal mine to you, the loyal readers.

"Hello...My name is Woody...and I love tennis." What, you were expecting dodgeball??

Thus, while many fans are saddened that football is nearing its final weekend and others can only look forward to the next baseball season, my nine months of excitement are just kicking off in the land down-under. The fans attending the Australian Open - generally the most relaxed of the Grand Slams - were treated to the comedic stylings (and stellar impersonation skills) of Serbian player Novak Djokovic earlier this week.

And, as he moves on to the third round, his tennis game isn't half bad either!



(Note: the impersonation begins about 2 minutes into the clip)

CR Dunbar is on fire today....

One had love for New York, the other has love for Philip Rivers

Midget Mac and Chargers WR Legedu Naanee




Separated at Birth?

All you have to do is look at Moss and you know you gotta respect his pimp hand

ESPN's resident egghead and South Park's resident sex counselor



Separated at Birth?

Ha, not really, but I thought since Fat Willard opened the doors to coverage of AI, that I would partake.

I am getting old. I used to LOVE the first few weeks of idol where you'd see a bunch of societal rejects being paraded in front of the judges, purposefully for the viewers sake. Not only were these people tone deaf, but it made you wonder whether they were a) legally sane, b) clinically disabled, c) sociopathic, or d) all of the above.

Case in point:



Last night, I figured I could take some time and invest myself into this new season, something I sadly look forward to. After the first guy who couldn't sing a lick, I just couldn't stomach it anymore. Do I really care that much about seeing those who CAN sing? And, if so, does that make me 27 going on 57?

I guess... that's all. More to come, if you care.

I, Fat Willard, have decided I would bump uglies with Kellie Pickler.

Ren is still not sold.

That is all.

Can't you just feel the energy?! I know, I know...we are still seven months until the big debut in China for the 2008 Summer Olympics, but given the continuing writers' strike in Hollywood, the Games can't come soon enough for this Hugger!

Thus, periodically leading up to the handing off of the Torch, I will be exploring each of the lesser known Olympic Sports that you aren't likely to catch on a tv-delay near you (unless you are up at all hours of the night with a newborn - so maybe C.R. Dunbar will witness the athleticism that is table tennis!)

To kick off the "Ode to the Olympics," we go to Japan for an inspirational interpretation:

Following the Moss story today, Ren pointed out this interesting quote

"I want to make something clear," the Patriots wide receiver said while surrounded by reporters and cameras at his locker. "In my whole entire life of living 30 years, I've never put my hand on one woman, physically or in an angry manner."

Did he mean he has never physically touched a woman 'in an angry manner' or he has never physically touched a woman at all?

It wouldn't be crazy. Abstinence. I've considered it before, usually when I'm not getting laid. I've heard of boxers giving up the nook while training for big fights, or player’s abstaining the night before games to keep their energy level up. But to be celibate for an entire career? Nah, who would be dumb enough to give up all the phenomenal poon that comes with life as a professional athlete?



Oh.

Right.

"If God's so good, how come he didn't give you a jump shot?"

I will not comment. I will not judge. I will not confirm nor deny. I will not ever think of him in the same way again. I will just provide this link that was sent along to me and let it do the explaining.


Click on the article source at the bottom. (WARNING- That part is NOT safe for work)

I think this is a load of crap. Pun intended.

After Fat Willard alerted me of this story from The Big Lead, I had a few comments of my own to share on the matter.

Let's do a little point-counterpoint on some of gems from the original.

We’re hearing that vodka-swilling ESPN anchor Dana Jacobson has been “talked to” by the higher-ups at the WWL about her excessive boozing at the painfully lame Mike & Mike Roast last weekend in Atlantic City.

Now, I have been known to sauce it up from time to time, but I gotta give the girl some credit. Her bottle of Vodka might have been the only interesting part of the night, giving the "lame" nature of the event. Hey, a girl's gotta have a little fun.

...According to a source, Jacobson is one of the least-liked anchors in Bristol (complaining like a diva about having her do her own makeup is just one of the reasons)...

I don't claim to be some smokin' hot piece (well, maybe I do...), but I do feel qualified to comment on the asthetics of other women. All I have to say if that I can see why Dana might want a little help in the makeup department... (and maybe in the teeth department too).

...but [she] plays “The Game” well with the suits and thus her antics at the roast have been chalked up as a screw-up that happens to guys all the time...

"The Game"? What game would that be, pocket ball? Hide the salami?

But the overriding feeling is that Jacobson is in the clear - for now. Even though the Atlantic City Press painted a vivid picture (”ESPN anchor Dana Jacobson made an absolute fool of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle, mumbling along and cursing like a sailor as Mike & Mike rested their heads in their hands in embarrassment. Griffin came to the podium to defend her after she was booed by the crowd. Ross eventually had to pull her off stage, too.”), someone who attended the roast passed along this message: “hard to describe what a fucking train-wreck she was.”

Ah, we've all been drunk to the point of embarrassement. Not our own embarrassment, of course.

But... we write anonymously on blogs for a reason.

Dolphins hire Sparano as head coach, replacing Cameron

I've been dreading this since the moment Sparano's name was mentioned as a possible candidate for more than a few head coaching positions across the league. It's not that I think he doesn't deserve a chance or that he couldn't be a good head coach. I just keep thinking of his name and what the next several years will bring from Berman and his terrible puns and nicknames, unfunny Caliendo impressions (bringing his grand total of impressions to 3) and punny, hokey newspaper headlines every week referencing Fat Tony (not my dad) and the Bada-Bingers. His boss being named Tuna doesn't help much either.

Jeebus help us all.

In even crazier news, Kige was right....

Report: Titans fire offensive coordinator Chow


He didn't even pass the Wonderlic, how is this my fault?

I was all set to do a send up of Peter King's latest ode to Favre-ness, but it turns out I can't look at blowjobs on my work computer. So for all of you out there in similar situations, here is the offending piece in convenient video form:

From the blog that brought you The Falconer...

HHR's Action Hero Series takes a look at Congress' latest probe.

As the Falcons new GM and Owner grill Rex Ryan, Jason Garrett and Tony Soprano, Tom and Arthur have but one stipulation...

From the Hotline: DETROIT, Owen Jax Recreational Center -- At the second polling place stop of the morning, Janet Huckabee stockpiled three or four snowballs and started a snowball fight with her husband, Mike Huckabee. She struck first but the scuffle, which lasted five minutes, ended with the candidate and his wife throwing piles of snow at each other before the governor's hands got too cold to pick up anymore of the white stuff.

WUSA9.com: High School Track Star Alleges Religious Discrimination

For three years, Gatorade's DC Girls Cross Country Runner of the Year "has worn a custom made suit that covers her head and neck as required by her faith." Now she says she's the victim of religious discrimination. We have to agree.

Officials at the Montgomery Invitational track meet told Juashaunna Kelly she had to remove her Muslim head covering if she wanted to compete.

Officials contend, rather, that it's simply the case that "association rules require undergarments be one single solid color." This justification is a little more palatable (baseball pitchers often face the same restrictions). But the problem is that in baseball this poses a relevant issue towards opposing batters seeing the pitch come at them. In an individual sport like track and field where people can get away with wearing stuff like this, where does the problem lie? If anything, Kelly is at a disadvantage with the extra drag.

Amateur athletes are allowed to get away with wearing irrelevant things like these and these, but a Muslim female has uniform restrictions. Doesn't make sense to me. Let her run.

AP: B-12 or BS? Congress wants Tejada probe

Hopefully Miggy has brushed up a bit on his English.

Yo, esse, watch where you're pointing that thing.

Except someone should tell the online editors at NJ.com what exactly constitutes a winning streak:














7-1 does not = a winning streak.

A few weeks ago, Giants fans were publicly bemoaning their team and quarterback. Fresh off a win against the top ranked Cowboys, they are writing Japanese poetry in praise of the G-Men.

Giants Haikus Round 2

Cocaine interceptions fell sharply in 2007

Losing Pac-man for the year was tougher on the Titans than we all thought.

I think Brian Regan's rule for guessing on that is "Don’t guess at that ever… ever… ever… ever… ever…ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever. Something like that. I didn’t have enough evers memorized."

The Hum: All Bloat, No Baby

The Desperate Housewives star tells E!'s own Debbie Matenopoulos people can forget about the baby-bump rumors. "I'm not pregnant now!"

Instead, Eva says she's just packing on the pounds the old-fashioned way: consuming calories.

Hey, Tony, tell your lazy wife to get off her fat ass.

AP Photo/Miguel Villagran

Typical Tuesday night for Willard, Ren & the chief

I think HHR was on to something last week, when we noted that television during the writers' strike would be much more interesting if they incorporate the great sport of bowling.

We threw out some ideas:

• Scott Baio is 45...and Bowling
• Bowler Nation
  
• America's Next Top Bowler
• Project Bowler
• Bowling with the Stars

Reading Steinberg's DC Sports Bog this afternoon, I think we could get some heavyweight backing for this TV idea:

Oh, and one more Gilbert note. The fine folks at US Bowler have launched a very important project, described as "the first definitive proficiency ranking of celebrities who participate regularly in the sport of bowling."

You can start nominating people next week; the judges include US Bowler Executive Editor Tom Clark, WaPo columnist and all-around degenerate Norman Chad, USBC spokesperson and NBA star Chris Paul, and six-time Denny's PBA Tour Champion Chris Barnes. You should probably go read the full release, but buried at the bottom are some names who will appear on the inaugural list, including "NBA Washington Wizards superstar guard Gilbert Arenas, who once bowled a 277."

Now, I realize that Gilbert has made this claim frequently, and that he bowls under the names Black Fever, Hurricane and the People's Champ, but I'm saying right here that I don't believe he's bowled a 277. C'mon. Now Norman Chad, maybe.

Can we please fuse the sport of bowling, athletes of other sports and reality TV? Can it be any worse than any other given show on television?

They say that T.O. is a baaadd mutha...SHUT YO MOUTH!

I'm just talking bout Terrell.

While the only female contestant continues to lead, the chief has her in his sights, as she loses a handful of playmakers.

Franchise	Points	Players Left
The Poop Squad	456	7
the chief "Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!"	439	9
Meech1	428	7
Bugs & Cranks	422	9
Obscure Sports Quarterly	421	8
The Camel Clutch	410	6
Going Five Hole	406	9
Brahsome	399	6
Fat Willard HHR	395	8
Rev. Shaw Moore HHR	394	8
SVP Style "Los Dynamitos"	394	6
The Loogy Lounge	392	10
Assassin Avenue	392	10
Reader Marc	387	8
National's Pride	382	7
Extra Mustard	373	8
Ren HHR	372	7
CR Dunbar HHR	365	9
The Sports Kolache	365	6
Lazy Eye	331	9

Click here to see the rosters.

Be sure to check out the chief's latest masterpiece at the Epic Carnival. Click on the banner below for "The Falconer."

With Romo/Simpson coverage rivaling that of only HHR, People.com might subtlely be hinting at a new profession for Cowboy Tony following his collapse in Dallas' on-going playoff win drought.

From Sorry, Jessica! Tony Romo Loses Playoff Heartbreaker:

The Pro Bowler, 27, also defended his decision to spend a few days with Simpson, and some of his fellow teammates, during his off week. "I thought I was making a good decision by not going to Vegas and drinking for two or three days," he explained.

Looks like the Mannings won't be the only 2-sport quarterbacks in the league.

How's Sir Charles feel about his Iconoclast co-star auditioning for a cage fight?

Singer-songwriter Björk allegedly attacked a photographer – ripping his shirt in half – after he snapped her early-morning arrival at Auckland International Airport, the New Zealand Herald reported Monday.

Oh Bjork! You are precious!

Philly Inq: Teary-eyed T.O. hurt by loss

TONY GUTIERREZ / Associated Press

Says Owens, "This wasn't about Tony. You can talk about him, you can talk about the vacation, but it's unfair. That's my teammate. That's my quarterback."

And the kicker:

"I've always had a good relationship with quarterbacks," he said. "I know what type of person I am on the inside. I know who I am."

Great video coverage courtesy of Barstool Sports of the TO performance:

Gonna shoot up, like it's your birthday.

The Albany Times Union is reporting that "The names of R&B music star Mary J. Blige, along with rap artists 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, and award-winning author and producer Tyler Perry, have emerged in an Albany-based investigation of steroids trafficking that has already rocked the professional sports world, according to confidential sources."

Tyler Perry's involvement in Tyler Perry's use of Tyler Perry's steroids must be most shocking.

Information has surfaced recently showing those stars are among tens of thousands of people who may have used or received prescribed shipments of steroids and injectable human growth hormone in recent years. Law enforcement officials have said they have no evidence in their sprawling multistate probe that customers, including Blige or other entertainers, violated any laws. Instead, they are targeting anti-aging clinics, doctors and pharmacists who prescribed the drugs.

1. Despite the sunshine and margaritas, going to Cabo was a terrible idea.

I will haunt you.

2. 12 feet of snow falls on Green Bay and Brett Favre plays like a man possessed. Just a year ago, this would have been a prime contender for one of those 3-INT, 2 lost fumble games.

It's official honey. I'm playing 'til I'm 50.

3. Tom Brady was unbelievable against Jacksonville, racking up a 141.4 passer rating and completing an NFL record 92.9 percent of his passes. He dumped screens when the defense got too agressive, found the slant when linebackers vacated their zones ... it was unreal. It was like he knew what was coming.


4. Was it necessary for Philip Rivers to scream at the Indy fans (getting gracelessly caught in the act on camera) near his bench as the game drew to a close? Seems to reaffirm suspicions raised by Denver CB Champ Bailey that Rivers is a redneck assclown.

5. As mentioned earlier on this board, Rodney H(GH)arrison is not a good role model.


6. It was definitely loud in Indianapolis yesterday. But that was no reason for all of the phantom defensive holding and pass interference calls on the Chargers. For God's sake, Norv's head almost exploded.

Norv Turner, 2008. Not a happy man.

7. As improbable as it may be, this face most certainly did not rear it's ugly head in Texas Stadium yesterday:

Wait a second ... you mean it was the other QB who threw a game killing interception?

Madden? SI Cover?

People.com is just asking for it with the caption on the picture below which is still featured on their main page...


Anyone care to set the over/under on the breakup date?

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers? What is it, 1983?

Was John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band unavailable?

Where's El Debarge?

Kids dig me, baby.

Intrigued by the comment "The Boys are clicking now" by user ElsGolf on the ESPN homepage as the Giants scored the tying TD going into the half, I clicked on the game Conversation to see what other knuckleheads were saying.

Check out the romantic VitonXL hitting on the "Alicia Millano"-lookalike.

He's got North Jersey written all over him. I bet he goes to D'Jais' in his car.

Last week we took a look at T.O.'s "extreme rehab." Owens' twinkle toes in the end-zone proved the man's recovery is not "nothing short of amazing," but rather nothing short of a miracle. While Romo and Witten spent their off-week grab-assing in Cabo, we were able to find this footage of Owens' unorthodox path to recovery.

T.O. has a little showman in him

- Troy Aikman

When discussing T.O. hamming it up for cameras during practice this week, by limping and cringing while the cameras rolled and then running full speed after they left, Aikman added that observation. He noticed just this week that Terrell Owens is a showman? I knew Aikman usually places his head up players asses the week before games, normally a Cowboy, but if he is just figuring out now that T.O. is a showman and that his ankle has been fine and he is just making himself look like a savior again in front of the media, teammates and fans then he obviously wasn't paying attention for Owens' tenure in Philly and his Super Bowl miracle. Or maybe he just doesn't remember.

By the way, Troy looks to natural in that picture. Like he is used to having a big stick of meat in his hands.

Tainted safety Rodney Harrison on the tainted, undefeated New England Patriots is known for his unsportsmanlike tomfoolery, as most visibly illustrated this year with his little Brian Billick love fest. Truly he has no couth, much like his coach.

But what in the world was he doing post-interception in yesterday's Jags game. As he stuck the ball out, slowed his gait and sashayed out of bounds, no one said a word. Did he just quit on the play? Was it just meant to belittle his opponents? Was no one bothered by his actions, or is it that this guy is such a knob job that no one was the least bit surprised and raised an eye brow when he goes out of his way to act like an ahole?

Only a pompous jerk would shape his mustache this way.

Were this Philadelphia and were these Eagles fans booing an adolescent girl on national TV, there would be endless commentary about how terrible the sports fans in the City of Brotherly Love are. You'd hear nonsense about booing Santa Claus, applauding Mike Irvin's injury and every other half-truth tale that's made Philly notorious.

But since this is white-bread, bible-thumping Indiana, let's see if we hear even a peep about RCA Dome fans booing the Punt, Pass & Kick national champion representing the New England Patriots.

Hey, Dungy, control your people. Who would Jesus boo? Not pre-pubescent girls.

Shameful.

This would be some much more relevant and interesting where this an actual relationship and not a sham. But since everyone from Terrell Owens to Terry Bradshaw has advice for the Texas Twosome, so why not Eva Longoria?

"When I first started dating Tony (Parker), I got the same flack, and this was so many years ago that people don't remember," Longoria told PEOPLE on Saturday. "If he had a bad game, it was my fault, if he got injured, it was my fault, if he had a good game, it wasn't because of me."

Longoria's advice to her fellow Texan: "You have to weather that for a while, and once people get over it, they kind of get used to you."

If you ask me, no one really cares about San Antonio or the NBA. So it's not that they get used to you, they just don't care. Plus, he's French.

All-American Cowboys quarterback, though?

Ah whatever. It's a moot point. The relationship will be over as soon as her forthcoming country album flops, at which time she'll probably claim they were never dating anyway, and Cowboy Tony can be swept off his feet by J-Witt.

Giant, Yankee & Knick fans finally catch a glimmer of hope as the Sunday Times Online reports today:

Hopes of custom-built organs as scientists create beating heart

This is great news, sports fans. Word is that the Giants brass is trying like the dickens to get this heart transplanted prior to today's 4:30 kickoff into their notoriously aloof field general.

Yankees can finally see the upside of their investment in Bobby Abreu.

Knicks fans now feel that if its possible to custom build organs, and they are inevitably stuck with Zeke Thomas, how long before Dolan gives in and orders a functioning brain for his head coach?

While he's at it, the Knicks owner can look into some custom made cajones he's long been missing.

Advertisers at Oreo (Kraft) went to who seems to be the only guy in the NFL that can sell product, Peyton Manning, for their latest commercial. Today, TV watchers across the country saw the second installment that answered a gonorrhea-like burning question of what the Manning boys second sport would be...Cream licking.

The commercial was cheesy (slight pun), but humorous with Archie putting in some simple sidekick work. It highlighted the product and market indicators must show that Peyton could sell condoms to Shawn Kemp.

(Yahoo! Espana)

Peyton's commercials are comical and the only knock on them is that they are plentiful. To counter the over saturation that is Peyton, Oreo cut a check to brother Eli, father Archie and mother Olivia.

The problem with the commercial is that it looks like a gravy train. Peyton brought his whole brood along for the ride, sans the Coop. Peyton's coattails already banked a massive contract for Eli, but now the tails are flowing off the field for the whole family.

It is one thing to do a family spot for SportsCenter (do they get paid for those?), it is another to try to get your family some extra coin by introducing them to the general public.

The spot is slightly funny, but reminiscent of commercials past of fake retirements. In the end, it smells more like gravy than oreos.