Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Hailing From...

Compared to their cartoonish forefathers, today's wrestling superstar characters are lacking. Back in the day, you not only had a gimmick, but also a back story. Today you just have face/heel 'tweeners dressed up like Jersey shore d-bags.

Accompanying the old school gimmicks were suitable "hometowns," usually bullshit.

Here are the top ten wrestling hometowns and as an added bonus, today's athletes most likely to hail from them for those of you who need some sort of modern, more mainstream perspective.

10. [Insert Venue City Here]

ECW's Chilly Willy was billed as "Everybody's Favorite Homeboy" when he came to the ring in the mid-nineties. Reason being, he was introduced as hailing from whatever town ECW happened to be wrestling in that evening. Never failed to get a huge "pop" each and every time, even when fans were onto the running gag.

Athlete hailing from [Insert Venue City Here]: Larry Brown. You know he's not of your town, you know he'll claim somewhere else home soon, you really don't seem to care.

9. Bombay, Michigan

Staying with those clever minds over at ECW, Sabu lives in hardcore heaven as one of the most popular wrestlers during the Fed's too-short existence for his kamikaze approach in the ring. It is well known that his uncle was the (Original) Sheik. As such, he was originally billed from his uncle's motherland, Saudi Arabia. Later, he was said to have hailed from Bombay, India. When he teamed with Rob Van Damn, he adopted "Bombay, Michigan" (Van Damn was from Battle Creek, MI). Coincidentally, Sabu and The Sheik were both from Lansing.

Athlete hailing from Bombay, MI: T. J. Houshmandzadeh. You want to think he's Persian - "This rugs from Persia! Persia!"- but he wants to say he's from California. Or Oregon State. No one's buying either.

8. Dudleyville

While people remember the Dudley Boyz (Buh Buh Ray and D-Von), the family actually included Dudley Dudley, Big Dick Dudley, Little Snot Dudley, Dances With Dudley, Chubby Dudley, Sign Guy Dudley, Studley Dudley and Little Spike Dudley. As the story goes, Big Daddy Dudley was a traveling salesman and fornicated all across the country, spreading his DNA like Johnny Appleseed. Hence, the family full of all races and denominations.

Athletes hailing from Dudleyville: Travis Henry, Shawn Kemp, Calvin Murphy

7. Badstreet USA

"Frontman" Michael "Purely Sexy (P.S.)" Hayes billed the Fabulous Freebirds as the "Greatest Rockin' Wrestling Band of All Time." Truth is, compared to many of today's athletes who want to dabble in the music industry, they weren't half bad. Still, they were much better wrestlers than musicians.

Athlete hailing from Badstreet, USA: Ron "Tru Warrior (T.W.)" Artest

6. Part Unknown

Best represented by two equally insane grapplers, The Missing Link and The Ultimate Warrior, both of who's gimmick was your run-of-the-mill madman.

Athlete hailing from Parts Unknown: Starbury. So insane, no hometown would want to call them their own.

5. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

Take a socially awkward Long Island kid who likes to jump off his roof and pretend his fingers are guns, and you have another madman, Cactus Jack.

Athlete hailing from Truth or Consequences, NM: See entry below.

4. The Boiler Room

That madman from Long Island, Mick Foley, had a little split personality problem. When he came to the WWF, he personified Mankind and "spoke to a rat, enjoyed pain, physically abused himself (such as by pulling out his hair), wore a Hannibal Lecter-inspired mask, and lived in boiler rooms; hence, his specialty match, the Boiler Room brawl." During his WWF tenure he alternated between Foley, Cactus, Mankind and Dude Love. But it was as Mankind that he truly shined and it was under that alias that he brought us Socko, his now famous sock puppet and assistor with his finisher, the mandible claw.

Athlete hailing from Truth or Consequences, NM and the Boiler Room: Clinton Portis

3. Death Valley

If there was one wrestler that could scare the piss out of a kid in the early 90's it was NWA/WCW castoff "Mean" Mark Callous, better known as the Undertaker. He could have been one half of WCW and wrestling's greatest tag teams - the Skyscrapers - with "Dangerous" Dan Spivey. But Vince McMahon got his hands on him killed him. Or something like that. Regardless, after being billed as "the Dead Man" and paired with World Class (WCCW) manager extraordinaire Percy "Paul Bearer" Pringle, the Houston-native got himself a new hometown and went on to bury opponents in caskets. Was he dead? Was he undead? Wouldn't "undead" mean "alive?" Is Death Valley a lively town?

Athlete hailing from Death Valley:
Brett Favre's throwing arm.

2. The Dungeon

"The Dungeon of Doom was a stable of wrestlers born from Kevin Sullivan's hatred of Hulk Hogan and was dedicated to ridding WCW of Hulkamania."

If only.

If you are going to rid the world of Hulkamania, you need a better group than one consisting of, among others, Zodiac, Shark, Loch Ness, Yeti, Maxx Muscle and One Man Gang.

Yeah. He kept them in a Dungeon. Or they were from the Dungeon. Or both. Who knows? Who cares?

(Yeah that's the Taskmaster above with the ex-Mrs. Sullivan who would become Mrs. Benoit, rest her soul).

Athlete hailing from The Dungeon: Pacman Jones and Tank Williams. Taskmaster Jerry Jones.

1. Deepest Darkest Africa

Speaking of the One Man Gang. Before heading to the Dungeon, he was a badass bad guy from Halsted Street, Chicago. Then in '88 manager "The Doctor of Style" Slick informed us that the big, fat, white guy was not of the land of Bill Brasky, but rather from "Deepest Darkest Africa" where he would return to "rediscover his roots." OMG became Akeem the African Dream.

Athlete hailing from Deepest Darkest Africa:
Jason "White Chocolate" Williams.

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Scott @ WFNY said...

My Akeem WWF action figure gave a mean headbutt.

Great stuff.

Truth About It said...

Ha!.....this is great. Brings me back to the days of yore when I somewhat followed wrastlin' -- it was a product of college silliness.

Hugging Harold Reynolds said...

I truly miss those days

MMayes said...

I miss those days, too. To think the night before my labor law final as a second year law student, I thought it was more important to go to the Dorton Arena in Raleigh, NC to see a Bunkhouse Stampede. I was a NWA guy, so to see the Road Warriors, Dusty Rhodes (who arrived in the same cab with Kevin Sullivan, who was trying to kill him), Steve "Dr. Death" Williams and, best of all, the Four Horsemen -- Flair, Anderson, Blanchard and Luger.

And I did OK on that labor law final....

Andrew said...

I love the post, but question...

Who would Hail from WCW Special Forces?

(Yes, I remember The Patriots from when I was 13.)

Hugging Harold Reynolds said...

Wasnt the Patriots buddy Firecracker Skip or Chip or something?

Anonymous said...

God bless your inclusion of Bad Street USA. Long live Terry Bam Bam Gordy...well at least until he died.

And it was Firebreaker Chip.

Doug said...

Hilarious. I still think the Four Horsemen and the Road Warriors were better than anything Vince ever came up with.

Spot on with Clinton Portis and Mick Foley too. And so true about Brett Favre's arm...

EPilnock said...

Great post. Any list that includes the Freebirds is awesome in my book. Check out the WWF VS NBA Superstars link below.

Max Pendargrass said...

One Man Gang, real name: George Gray from Arcadia, SC. Other famous people from Arcadia, SC - no one. Just a tiny mill town outside of Spartanburg, SC. I went to high school with George Gray - he used to wrestle in the gyms, armories, closed cotton mills - in Spartanburg, Gaffney, Greenville - until he made the "big time". Enormous individul - once saw him pancake a folding chair just by sitting in it.

roger stone said...

omg what are they are they athletes???, I think they are from a horror movie, they look really stupid

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