Friday, April 24, 2009

Dunbar presents: Derby Talking Points

Handicappers across the country are sending their good sweatpants to the dry cleaners. We are only one week away from the Kentucky Derby! (My restless leg syndrome is in hyperdrive).

Let's get to the talking points so you can stay in the "in" crowd a week longer:
  • Betting on I Want Revenge is like spending the night with Megan Fox. You'll either have the greatest time of your life or come away blank-faced, bruised and neutered.
  • I always appreciate a sporting event that encourages the consumption of hard liquor. Who wants shots!?
  • Did you watch Jockeys on Animal Planet? If Joe Talamo wins the derby, I might shart myself in a moment of tense anger.
  • It feels like my head is shrinking faster than Pistons pride studying these Beyer figures.
If these don't firmly establish you as the expert in horse racing, get plastic surgery because people don't respect you.

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