Monday, April 27, 2009

Have I Got a STEAL for You!

Hi there. I'm Jacoby Ellsbury, starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox and recent stealer of home. As your girlfriend, wife, daughter or closeted son has probably told you, I'm quite an attractive guy. And like all attractive men, there are certain things I have to have in order to accommodate the lifestyle I live - Millions of dollars, my pick of the player's wives/daughters, natural athletic ability, and the land speed of a leopard set aflame. But there is one thing that I can't live without - and neither should you.

I am happy to make available my personal secret - the Jacoby Ellsbury UNDIE-Brella - for a limited time offer of $49.99.

Sometimes (OK, one time) you just want to go from the office to your multi-million dollar condo without having women of all shapes and sizes instinctively throwing their undergarments at you. Since that will never happen, I use the Undie-Brella. Swiss-designed, it protects the bearer from air-delivered thongs, granny-panties, bikini briefs, bras, leggings, panty-hose, and even flannel boxers, while providing unparalleled visibility to navigate in all directions.

If you call in the NEXT THIRTY MINUTES you can order the "Double-Steal" package and have it reinforced to withstand hotel-swipe cards and housekeys thrown from as high as 4 stories.

Don't let THIS happen to you!

I was trapped in this sea of undergarments for at
least three and half hours.
I only have myself to blame for showing my abs.

Without my Undie-Brella I was literally covered in women's
clothes from the brief walk between center field and the dugout!

So make sure you call 1-800-UNDY-BRL now. Operators are standing by. All major credit cards accepted. Daughters may be used as collateral. Or just used.

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