Friday, May 8, 2009

Holiday Special: Bad Ass Mothers

In honor of moms everywhere, HHR has compiled a list of our favorite sports bad ass mothers. Who'd we miss and why?

Bill Romanowski


With his admission to using steroids and HGH in the wake of the BALCO scandal, it should come as no surprise that Romo had a chemically enhanced mindset to go along with his chemically enhanced body.

In 1995 he was ejected from a game and fined $4,500 for kicking Cardinal fullback Larry Centers in the head. In 1997 Romo was fined $20,000 after his hit on Panther QB Kerry Collins in a preseason game that broke Collins' jaw. That same year, he spat in 49er WR J.J. Stokes' face. In '99, he was fined $42,500 for three illegal hits and for throwing a punch at Chief TE Tony Gonzalez, and for an undisclosed amount for hitting Jet LB Bryan Cox in the nuts with the ball. His most high profile altercation came against his own teammate, backup TE Marcus Williams, during a scrimmage while with the Raiders. Williams accused Romanowski of roid rage after Romo ripped off his helmet, broke his eye socket and forced him into retirement. Williams sued for $3.4 million, but was rewarded 10% of that.

Ron Artest


Artest made it cool to shave things into the side of your head for the first time since another bad mother - Anthony Mason - patrolled the paint in New York. An integral part of the brawl in Detroit, he has a penchant for technical fouls and bad rap albums. Moreover, despite his past misgivings, Artest is completely self-aware of his own reputation, referring to himself in the third person recently, "Does Kobe know he just elbowed Ron Artest?" Lastly, all this underrates him as a heck of player, a lockdown defender and one who can hit it up from deep.

Bo Jackson


Long after Jim Thorpe mastered about 17 sports, Bo Jackson made playing two of them at the same time cool. Specialized in "Bo Knowing", running people over as a member of the Oakland Raiders, and breaking bats over his knee like twigs on the Kansas City Royals, Bo was just a freak athlete whose career ended way too early due to injury.

His most memorable bad ass moments occurred off the field. Anyone who ever played Techmo Super Bowl or read a Bill Simmons article can tell you, most of his victims not nicknamed "Boz" where pubescent boys playing against the Raiders on NES.

Anthony John "A. J." Pierzynski


I could say "professional wrestler in the off season" and need to give no further explanation, but let me dip a little into his day job: professional ballplayer and all around pain in the ass. He has been punched in the face on the field, runs inside the baseline on purpose, knees team personnel in the nuts, runs to first base when he is out and then gets called safe for it. Now THAT is a bad mutha move we wish every major league player should try at least once.

Buddy Ryan


Largely credited as the architect of the 46 defense, Ryan was a defensive mastermind. However two incidents solidify his status as a coaching bad ass.

The first was the Jimmy Johnson-alleged "bounty" Ryan placed on the head of former Eagle and then-current Cowboy kicker Luis Zendejas and QB Tory Aikman. Following a hit from Eagle LB Jessie Small, Zendajas left the game with a concussion, but not before mistakenly heading towards the Philadelphia sideline. "Bounty Bowl" as it became known, spurned the CBS marketing-driven rematch "Bounty Bowl II" in which fans (including would-be Philadelphia Mayor and PA Governor Ed Rendell) pelting snow, ice and beer aimed at Dallas, officials and broadcasters, forced players to flee for safety.

Ryan's second memorable badass moment is when, as coach of the Oilers, he coldcocked his own offensive coordinator, Kevin Gilbride, on the sideline after a shouting match brought about by a Cody Carlson fumbled snap.



Ronnie Lott

The dude had part of his finger amputated rather than miss playing time. Hall of Famer Art Monk freely admitted that a shot from Lott in 1984 “"pretty much messed me up for my career." In his own words, Lott described his style as, “Grab a football, throw it in the air, and before you can catch it, have your best friend belt you with a baseball bat. No shoulder pads. No helmet. Just you, your best friend and the biggest Louisville Slugger you can find.” No offense to Sam Jackson, but if Ronnie Lott had been on that plane, the snakes would have been looking for the parachutes.

Ty Cobb


The Georgia Peach was one of the greatest to ever play the game of baseball. He was also one of the nastiest. Tales of his attempts to take out opposing players with his metal spikes are legendary. He was racist, anti-Catholic and a heavy drinker. He regularly got into fights with his teammates and at least once went into the stands and put a beatdown on a heckler. In 1912, he was robbed by three men in Detroit. He chased down one of the thieves and beat him to a bloody pulp. When he died in 1961, despite his long baseball career and numerous records, reportedly only four people from his baseball days came to his funeral.

Mike Tyson

What more can be said about Iron Mike that hasn't already dissected a thousand times over? That said, let's just point out a few of our favorite bad ass highlights:
  • He was and arguably is the most volitial and ferocious man to not only step into a boxing ring, but to walk the earth.
  • He did time for rape.
  • He bit off a man's ear.
  • He threatened to eat a man's children.
  • He threatened to send a man to Bolivia.
  • He has a tatoo on his face.
  • He told a Maxim interviewer that punched tigers in the nuts, because they like it. And then tried to stab said interviewer in the neck with a fork.
  • He can take his hand off to people.
  • He stiffs women on bar bills.
Brandon Jacobs

He'll explain...

HHR @ NFL Draft Classic - What Makes Brandon Jacobs Feel Good? from HHR on Vimeo.


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2 comments:

Reverend Paul Revere said...

Buddy Ryan was a bad, bad man. Should have added the fake kneel down.

pokerash said...

i love life and Big Ass