Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Worst Kept Secret Ever Revealed by New York Times


Move over Pete Rose, you have company. Arguably the worst kept secret in baseball history was partially revealed yesterday when the New York Times reported that "Slammin" Sammy Sosa is on the seemingly neverending list of players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs back in 2003.

The reaction from sports fans nationwide was one of complete indifference, as many for years already believed Sosa was on some type of steroids. The other half has become so numb to a report of a major league baseball player cited for HGH or any other number of pharmaceuticals that news like this no longer even registers.

As the news machine fired up regarding the Sosa announcement including equal parts: ex-teammate reacton, ex-manager reaction, potential legal ramifications, and the all important now trashed Hall of Fame status, the general public yawned and went back to sleep hoping to catch a later edition of SportsCenter that might have begun focusing on actual sports again.

In the meantime MLB Commissionor Bud Selig was preparing his three stages of acceptance to the news: first slight disbelief, followed by complete disgust sandwiched with current positive drug testing news, topped off by quiet acceptance.

As for Sosa, he has many options before him as his predecessors have paved a variety of paths in dealing with these type of announcements. The Jason Giambi method of actual live game redemption has been ruled out since nobody has wanted to touch Sosa with a ten foot pole since 2007. That leaves three basic choices:
  • There is the Roger Clemens defense in which despite a ridiculous amount of evidence Sosa could go on the offensive in complete denial mode while also inventing new words to the English language.
  • Second is the Barry Bonds maneuver. Sosa could maintain he still wishes to play and that it is Major League Baseball that is blackballing him, thereby shifting the focus off the fact that sometime after 1995 he grew gigantic muscles.
  • Last, he could follow in the footsteps of home run swatting pal Mark McGwire. This one seems to be the easiest as it requires going into complete hiding for several years and then reemerging in later years as a sentimental hitting guru.

Regardless that the directions for Sosa are many, what he will do remains to be seen. At last check reporters had spotted Sosa leaving a Chicago area Dennys. When asked about the recent reports Sosa launched into his trademark homerun celebration which included leaping horizontally, pounding his chest, kissing his fingers, and pointing to the sky all while smiling uncontrollably. As the media contingent momentarily joined in the celebration, Sosa slipped into a waiting Suburban and sped away. It appears yet another new method of coping has been developed.


Stay Tuned!

-posted by Cadillac Mescallade

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