Monday, August 10, 2009

Film's Best Obscure Townie Jocks

While the Johnny Lawrences of filmdom are immortalized in Sports Guy columns and No More Kings videos, American cinematography is filled with villainously-portrayed athletes who play the foil to the movies' socially awkward outcast stars.

These same characters remind us of the individuals we reconnect with over Thanksgiving break at our hometown bars or at municipal park slo-pitch games channeling their inner Uncle Rico and reliving their glory years just-a-bit-too-fondly.

Today we honor you, townie jocks.

Rick Derris - Clerks

Wiki: Rick Derris first appeared in Clerks. He was played by Ernest O'Donnell, a childhood friend of Kevin Smith.

Rick Derris is a sexual deviant in the Askewniverse. In Clerks, he reveals to Dante Hicks that he had sex with his ex-girlfriend Caitlin Bree during their five year relationship.

In Mallrats, Gwen Turner, T.S. Quint and Brodie Bruce recall an incident at a costume party in which Derris and Turner had sex on a pool table. While Turner thinks it was a trivial event, Bruce and Quint remember the event very well because Derris and Turner were having sex on a pool table while dressed as Jackie Gleason and Burt Reynolds, respectively, from Smokey and the Bandit. In the most memorable and important sexual act, he and his friend Cohee London were in a three-way with Heather Jones's older sister Alyssa Jones during high school, which gave her the nickname "Finger Cuffs". When Alyssa is confronted by Holden McNeil about this occurrence during Chasing Amy, Ernest O'Donnell makes a cameo sitting next to them and listening in.

San Dimas High School Football Rules Guy - Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

The lone bright spot in an abysmal film franchise that unfortunately catapulted the career of Keanu Reeves.

Trip McNeely & Mike Dexter - Can't Hardly Wait

Mike Dexter: Trip McNeely!
Trip McNeely: Trip McNeely.
Mike Dexter: No way, man!
Trip McNeely: Trip McNeely.
Mike Dexter: Trip McNeely! Geez. You were a sexual icon! You know girls at Huntington still talk about you?
Trip McNeely: Really? Which ones?
Mike Dexter: You must be racking up at college. College!
Trip McNeely: I wish, bro. I can't even get digits as a freshman.
Mike Dexter: Shut up! Come on, you can tell me.
Trip McNeely: Seriously, man. I thought college was gonna be a 24-7 orgy. Hell, that's even why I broke up with Janeen before I left.
Mike Dexter: So, what happened?
Trip McNeely: College chicks are totally different, bro. They're all serious and shit. They all talk about world issues and ecolomological crap. They all wanna date older guys.
Mike Dexter: Yeah, but... not all of 'em, right?
Trip McNeely: Way it goes. Hell, I even tried crawling back to Janeen. She was all cozy with some senior. He's a pre-med. They ALL are. Guys like us... we are a dime a dozen.
Trip McNeely: Speaking of which, you still with that Amanda chick? She was a prize piece if I ever saw one.
Mike Dexter: Yeah, me and Amanda. Definitely. Yep.
Trip McNeely: You're lucky, bro.
Mike Dexter: I sure am.
Trip McNeely: Stay with her. It's the best advice I can give you. Oh, that, and bring rubber flip-flops in the shower. I got warts all over my feet.
Mike Dexter: Take it easy, Trip! Trip McNeely! All right...

Roy Stalin - Better Off Dead

Filmdom's only known townie ski jock, Stalin was best known for inspiring the classic Season 6 South Park episode, More Like Stan Darsh.

Randall "Pink" Floyd - Dazed & Confused

While the most "sensitive" high school athlete on this list, to quote Sonny LoSpecchio, "The saddest thing in life is wasted talent." While he could have been a local hero, no one will ever remember his legacy of drinking beer and smoking pot. Likely ended up a poor man's David "Alright, Alright, Alright" Wooderson.

Chet Donnelly - Weird Science

An avid hunter and outdoorsman, an even more avid-er dickhead.

Ricky Slade - Made

Classic underachieving high school football player (with no heart), Ricky's chief ambition in life (like most local washed-up meatheads) is to break kneecaps for a local mob boss, while coat-tailing on his more (albeit not by much) respectable best childhood friend.

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Darwin said...

Did you guys forget Dave from Breaking Away? Hell, the whole (great) movie is about a townie athlete stickin' it to the snobby college kids. And Mike (Dennis Quaid) is probably the best character in that movie.

Brian said...

Schute from Vision Quest has to be on this list