Last year we pondered the order of the ‘Big Four’ (Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man U). This year we ask more seriously who can crack the Big Four? Man City’s Abu Dhabi Fantasy team? Perennial also rans Everton and Villa? Hmmm. How about No. Because that rhymes with ‘Jo’. Jo being the only player Everton picked up over the summer to strengthen their squad to break the Big Four (and the shortest name in the EPL: Jo. True). And Villa? Let’s just say selling your captain and best playmaker (Gareth Barry) to Man City won’t help matters.
So, again. It is the Big Four and just a matter of how they end up. You heard it here first, but the boys from North London, The Arsenal, are gonna pip Chelski, Bastard United, and the Whinging Scousers for the EPL title.
Last year Gunners were unlucky with injuries however still managed a 21 game unbeaten streak (the season is 38 games, mind). If they stay healthy and Ivan Drago inspired Andrey Arshavin continues his form (4 goals against Liverpool in one game last year – he vill break you). The Red and White Army will be on the open top bus through N5 come May.
But we said before, the Big Four is a bore. So, here you are you two HHR Footy fans – the rest of the 2009/20 EPL breakdown in full Footy Matt Crystal Ball Carling Induced Haze…
- Arsenal (Wizard Wenger finally concocts the right potion of talent, youth, and obtuse Frenchness in interviews to take the title back to North London, last seen 2004)
- Chelsea (New Boss Carlo Ancelotti has the European pedigree but fails to keep Mr. Abramovich happy and bails at a crucial point in the season dashing the title hopes)
- Manchester United (Those absolute bastards)
- Liverpool (An unlucky injury to Gerrard or Torres and the goals dry up. American Owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett? Enjoy pleading for mercy on Merseyside to a horde of tire iron wielding Scousers)
- Manchester City (A shaky start will ruin there Big Four Dreams. But once they gel, the Gallagher Bros. and Abu Dhabi will be pleased and allow boss Mark Hughes to keep his job by getting his talent heavy squad into Europe)
- Everton (Last three seasons? Finished 6th, 5th, and 5th, time to finish the palindrome)
- Tottenham Hotspurs (Croatia international Luka Modric becomes the next Stevie Gerrard, though less prone to bar brawls)
- Blackburn (Boss Same Allardyce plays anti-football but he has something to prove after his nightmare at Newcastle, they will lose very rarely)
- Fulham (Did a fantastic job getting into Europe last year, but the extra games spreads them too thin this season)
- West Ham United (Goalkeeper Robert Green keeps the Hammers in more games than celeb-supporter Russell Brand keeps his bait in tackle in the bird bath, peckish?)
- Aston Villa (Not even the Clough-inspired genius of boss Martin O’Neill and best in the EPL GK (American Brad Friedel) can’t stop a mediocre season from foiling the Villans)
- Wolves (Ex-Man U striker Sylvain Ebanks-Blake keeps the goals coming for promoted Wolves)
- Wigan Athletic (Boss Roberto Martinez might just be the next Arsene Wenger if he steers Wigan to this high of a finish)
- Sunderland (The team that dresses like the staff of TGI Friday’s gets the goals from new signing Darren Bent who has something to prove after sitting the pine a Spurs)
- Stoke City (Bloody awful to watch, but you can’t argue with the long throw-in tactic – they stay up)
- Hull City (The magic of midfielder Giovanni keeps the Tigers up – let’s hope he stays healthy all season)
- Bolton Wanderers (They always manage to stay up, Kevin Davies’ goals will do it again this year, barely)
- Birmingham City (Newly promoted City are the undoubted yo-yo team of the English game, up and down, repeat)
- Portsmouth (Poor Pompey – no clue why they are nicknamed Pompey – they had a fire sale of talent over the summer. Not so much a good idea, unless you want to get relegated, then it is brilliant idea)
- Burnley (Aww, it was sweet and all to watch you get promoted last year. Might compete for the lowest number of points achieved in a Premier League Season)