Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Fat Willard: If you talk to me during an important game, I will kill your family

I understand the world. You just never know when you'll stumble on the next "David on Drugs after Root Canal" or other exploitative venture that leads to instant fame. I get that the silliness of everyday life is a good enough reason to carry your flip cam and everyone thinks their gonna cash in on their passion of selling hand-knitted teapot covers.

This is where I draw the line.

These guys are "Saints Fans" and I'll say that based solely on their fresh new NFC champ t-shirts. This is my issue. If I'm a Saints fan, and this is the Super Bowl, don't you DARE ask me ridiculous funking questions regarding Valentine's Day while plugging your shit website.

Three years ago I watched the Giants and Patriots play a hell of a Super Bowl. My team came out the winner, and while making me incredibly happy, it took years off my life. I couldn't sleep for a week. I was that worked up. It was three plus hours of pure torture. I couldn't talk except for requests of food and mutters of "I'm going to piss, no one sit in my seat."

This is my point. Sports provides incredible highs and gut-kicking lows. The last thing all of us need is someone with a camera asking us to comment on their God-damn website during an important game. You want to record me after the game while I cry like a school girl after her first time, I can live with that. Just don't bother me with stupidity.

I'm saying this now to all the readers, if this scenario ever happens to you at a major moment in your life as a sports fan, you're allowed to grab the camera and shove it in that person's rectum. As far as possible. With no lubrication. None!

And if they follow you out into the street while celebrating they immediately owe you fellatio. I could care less if his wife is inside the house.

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