Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Devil Went Down to Florida and found The Korean Zombie

Well, if you’ve been living under a rock or have spent the last 5 or 6 days in a KFC Double-Down induced coma, you may not have heard the news: some shroomed-out MMA fighter down in Florida –land of the best episodes of C.O.P.S. ever produced—re-enacted a Mortal Kombat fatality and cut his friend’s heart out, ripped his face off and tore out his tongue… while he was alive… and then set the body parts on fire. I wish that I were joking.

“[Police Officer] Lee said that Wyatt said he'd cut out Powell's tongue, and that he'd removed his heart. He also mentioned that there had been a “big fight” in the kitchen. Wyatt told him that when he'd looked at Powell's face he'd seen the devil, Lee said.”

His eyes are as close together as his parents’ family trees.



Yep.

Having spent over two months in Florida in the late 90’s this in no way surprises me. When you get more than a mile away from the beach on either coast of America’s Wang, shit like this becomes the norm. It’s like a detention center for Road Warrior rejects and Carnies –like the continental US tipped on its axis and funneled all of the crazy down to be distilled and purified in a humid swamp-ridden netherworld. I am actually more surprised that he was on mushrooms and not biker-meth.

Florida: Go for the Shuttle-launches and Disney World, stay for the drug-fueled cannibalism and mohawks.

On the brighter side, according to Steve Cofield at Cagewriter, Leonard Garcia and Chan “The Korean Zombie” Sung Jung had breakfast together at Denny’s after pistol-whipping each other in to oblivion at WEC: Aldo vs. Faber. Not only that, they brought their families along.

Apparently they were both admitted to the same hospital post-fight and decided to catch a meal of blender-softened Grand Slams together after they were released from the trauma ward looking like they’d been shot out of a cannon and into a combine-harvester. This, to me, is the epitome of not only fighting as a sport but competition at its highest level. These two guys didn’t have to rely on demonizing each other –take note BJ Penn and Rashad Evans—in order to put on what at this point is arguably the best fight of the year. What they did do was stand toe-to-toe for 15 minutes, left everything in the cage and afterwards behaved like true professionals. They even exchanged shirts! Can you imagine Dan Hardy wandering around in a GSP shirt? No, you can’t because that guy is a jackass thug masquerading as an MMA fighter in Buddhist tattoos with shitty ground skills. Far be it from me to critique your Ohm Mani Pad Me Hum tattoo, Mr. Hardy, but if you truly meditated on the Six Paramitas you might discover the indelible truth of “If one licks balls at exactly one half of an entire sport –in your case anything involving grappling—then one shall find themselves curled up like a turtle and getting whaled on by a French-Canadian”.



Not pictured: self-awareness

That’s all for my rant. Stay tuned for how I picked a three-way parlay for my friend at UFC 115 and he screwed it all up by adding Tod Duffee to the bet. I would have been more upset with him had I not been hip-deep in a bender and missing a shoe.

Thanks for the extra day to recover, veterans!!

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5 comments:

Gene said...

Crazy..but it actually happened in my old neck of the woods in Northern California. Del Norte County just north of Humboldt County and just south of the Oregon border. Lame that they call this guy an MMA fighter. He had ONE fight in some obscure show. One question..if he goes to prison does the squirrel that sleeps on his head have to go as well?

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