This is the time of year where NFL prognosticators come out of hibernation to make pussyfooted predictions about the NFL season so they can go to their bosses hat-in-hand same time next year to try and keep their job as the next crop of wannabe broadcasters knock on the door outside.
Well, I have studied for several fantasy football drafts making me as qualified and I don’t have a boss so I can give you balls out predictions of the NFL season. Take these to the bank:
ESPN’s NFL offseason programs will need new material for 10 minutes per episode in 2011 as Ndamukong Suh ends Brett Favre’s career with a tackle that both concusses and breaks his ankle. So troubled by the episode, Percy Havin has a massive migraine that puts him on the physically unable to perform list for the rest of the season.
Mike Martz forces Jay Cutler to consume an extra three drinks per night. “Throw to an open space not a receiver.” Bears fans are quickly humbled.
After bursting from the shadows of Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers cannot handle the pressure of being a top ten fantasy pick across the nation. The pressure is too much that he asks his former mentor for advice that translates to a staggering uptick in interceptions.
Lions win the North as a crop of rookies and second year players don’t understand that they are supposed to lay on their backs and get their bellies tickled.
Media focus strains the Cowboys as the reality of playing in the Super Bowl at home approaches. A two game losing streak at the end of the season that threatens playoff chances sends Wade Phillips to the showers. Jerry Jones insists that only his voice be transmitted to new coach Jason Garrett’s headset. Cowboys reach the wildcard game.
Giants play under the radar football for 12 weeks and then string together a four game winning streak putting them into the playoffs. New York goes crazy, everyone else falls asleep.
Donovan McNabb sends the Redskin nation into a tizzy his first 2 games. He is the next coming of Barack Obama. But hype and reality begin to mix, and Skins slowly become an afterthought with owner Daniel Snyder sulking his sorrows by devouring a Papa Johns pizza.
Philadelphia fans mark an “x” through their season. It never happened.
Drew Brees becomes the face of the NFL that for some unexplainable reason leaves a taste of liver in people’s mouths. Saints quickly remember that life isn’t all painted naked bodies parading through the streets, but still too much to handle for the NFC South.
Highlight of the Buccaneers season is when a blogger sees that someone on their team is named Trueblood and gets to put the Rolling Stone picture up.
Carolina becomes the darling of the Fox crew. Terry goes down there to use his southern accent, but begins to uncontrollably and uncomfortably weep when it strikes him that Jake Delhomme no longer plays there. Carolina fans weep when their two-headed running back monster goes down, but a stick-it-to-Peppers mentality tingles the defenses’ loins, gives Stewart and Williams time to recover and puts them in the playoffs.
Turner fantasy owners and fans remember that NFL running backs have big seasons and then collapse all the time. Matt Ryan is best when he has someone to run the ball behind him so he can work play action. Tragedy ensues, sorry Hotlanta.
America forgets there is an NFC West.
49ers win the division by default. Mr. Perfect Larry Fitzgerald goes Ochocinco diva and gives up on the season to continue the Alien movie series. Pete Carroll finds that it is easier to motivate college players with money than multi-millionaires. Sam Bradford dislocates his shoulder while cashing a paycheck so Rams try Stephen Jackson at QB with limited success.
Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson move in together for a reality show. Both contract diseases that actually make them younger and stronger. Maualuga injures the rest of the NFC North. Bengals run away with it.
Seeing Flacco’s eyebrow on the Raven’s official program, Ray Lewis overfills with murderous anger that turns a pre-game pep huddle into a melee. Ray Rice is the casualty as Ngata, not seeing him, trips over him and crushes his leg.
Browns score 80 percent of their points off of special teams. Not enough.
Mendenhall suffers a serious case of fumblitis with the team on his shoulders. Steeler fans wait anxiously for Roethlisberger’s return, but it is short lived. He gets concussions, remember?
The football gods look unfavorably toward the Colts. Manning is injured costing him millions in a new contract. I believe that the punter is the backup QB. Not good.
The gods look favorably upon the Texans. Everything clicks. Schaub plays out of his mind. Williams dominates the line giving him the NFL Defensive Player of the Year award, sticking it further to Reggie Bush.
You can’t put the team on the running back’s back when he doesn’t have a knee. Jaguars buckle like Theisman’s knee.
Chris Jackson and Vince Young bring the spread offense to the NFL. Every NFL talking head reminds us that they knew that Vince Young would be good. Titans squeak into the playoffs. Everyone basks in Jeff Fisher’s glory.
Tom Brady plays worse than his acting against division rivals. Randy Moss stops running routes to save his value (makes sense in his mind) and an angry Belichick can’t create a good enough defensive scheme for unmotivated talent. Patriots miss the playoffs.
The Jets go a whole game without throwing a pass and win. Ryan cusses out Tony Dungy on national TV. All media attention is focused on Ryan allowing Sanchez to loosen his collar and take the team to the playoffs. Cromartie sets out to have a kid for each of his teammates.
Even I can’t find a scenario for the Bills to win.
Brandon Marshall becomes the king of Miami with electrifying catches that put the Dolphins on a winning streak. Brandon Marshall enjoys being the king of Miami. Brandon Marshall does something stupid, think Scarface. Miami loses into the playoffs.
The AFC West is up in the air all season. Philip Rivers punches Jim Nantz in frustration after being asked again about Drew Brees. The league suspends him.
America remembers there is a franchise in Kansas City. Fox crew yucks it up for 15 minutes trying to determine what state Kansas City is in, good stuff. Sub .500 ball keeps them out of the playoffs in a wide open division.
Royal, Lloyd and Gaffney go to the press complaining that they are not getting enough targets and organize a coup with Tim Tebow. They get what they asked for, but Tebow runs the ball every time with Moreno. Recipe for disaster.
Oakland wins it with an 8-8 record. Richard Seymour thanks the Patriots with a nice fruit basket.
Playoffs NFC: Lions, Giants, Cowboys, Saints, Panthers, 49ers
Playoffs AFC: Bengals, Texans, Jets, Dolphins, Raiders, Titans
You figure out the rest.