Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Waiting for Godunk: More on the D-League
Kevin Owens has been playing professional basketball for the past six years and decided to start a blog documenting his daily life. He started contributing some of those stories here at HHR, and now is being featured at SLAM Online.---------
I received a lot of positive feedback about my last D-League article that I wrote for SLAM online, so I figured I would channel my inner Rick Reilly and follow up with a few things, I feel, that the D-League represented to me.
The D-League is long bus rides and connecting flights. It’s six consecutive games against the same team. The D-League is Thanksgiving Dinner at your head coach’s home or Christmas Dinner at a gas station in North Carolina.
The D-League is practice after an elementary school gym class and before a P.T.A. meeting. It’s driving a half hour to practice because your “usual” gym is being used for an 8th grade dance. It’s a membership to the local YMCA and waiting till the 43 year old periodontist finishes with the 40 pound weights so you can finish your set.
The D-League is staying for an hour and a half to sign autographs after our only sold out game of the season, “Sponge Bob Square Pants” night. It’s die hard loyal fans in empty arenas. It’s a game at 8pm one day and noon the next.
The D-League is country music and rodeos. It’s cold arenas and early morning shoot arounds. It’s generic mascots and pregnant cheerleaders. The D-League is Buffalo Wild Wings, Piggly Wiggly and Kroger. It’s being asked to dinner by a group of fans, and graciously accepting.
The D-League is 2am trips to Waffle House and waitresses named Joan. It’s finding constructive uses for your down time. It’s Wednesday matinees and marathon Playstation sessions. It’s par 3 golf courses and loitering at the mall.
The D-League is culturally different roommates and vicious dogs. It’s 500 card rummy and Dairy Queen. It’s toilet blue cell phones and trash bags on the bus.
The D-League is trying to get to the next level. It’s pushing yourself day in and day out. It’s playing over hyped college players and realizing you are better than them.
The D-League is not cars with suicide doors or 32 room mansions. It’s not expensive watches or 80 gallon fish tanks. It’s not fast cars and faster women…It’s working hard enough to get all these things.
The D-League is playing through pain and floor burns. It’s diving into the stands for a loose ball and bags of ice. The D-League is attending “optional shoot arounds” and staying late after practice. It’s finding something you do well, and perfecting it. It’s hustle, hard work and dedication.
The D-League is not the NBA, it’s everything the NBA should be.
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Race Baiting Animal Hating Columnist Plays Race Card
There was a day when only HHR paid attention to the Trentonian. Today, Deadspin beat us to the punch, splashing the following graphic up...
The Trentonian's LA Parker writes bi-weekly columns often focusing on matters of race in New jersey's capital city. He makes his living on race-baiting and penning pieces pretending Trenton isn't a crime, drug and gang-riddled hellhole.
In response to his paper's unconventional Vick headline, Parker found the need to show the world he is a less rational, poor man's Rev. Sharpton with an angry, ignorant piece, "Condemnation of Philadelphia Eagles' Michael Vick shows racist America placing pets before blacks."
Parker writes:
Read the vile here.
The Trentonian's LA Parker writes bi-weekly columns often focusing on matters of race in New jersey's capital city. He makes his living on race-baiting and penning pieces pretending Trenton isn't a crime, drug and gang-riddled hellhole.
In response to his paper's unconventional Vick headline, Parker found the need to show the world he is a less rational, poor man's Rev. Sharpton with an angry, ignorant piece, "Condemnation of Philadelphia Eagles' Michael Vick shows racist America placing pets before blacks."
Parker writes:
Get ready to count your losses, Eagles fans, because your team has no shot this year without your black Negro, dog-killin’, prison-serving quarterback.He goes on. And on.
Yeah, you’re reading it right.
The Vick description occurs because despite time served for whatever crime he committed in a dogfighting scandal, despite community service, and despite a thousand repentances, he never will receive forgiveness by PETA-peddlers (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) nor the millions of Americans who place poodles before humans, especially black homo sapiens.
America, land of the free and home to Native American genocide, slavery, gender persecution, segregation, and a litany of other indiscretions that affected millions, appears hell-bent on repeatedly lynching Vick, retelling his dogfighting connection until he screams Uncle Tom.
Read the vile here.
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
3-Time Water Polo Olympian Ryan Bailey Implores Ray Lewis to Don the Speedo
Water Polo Nation is not taking Ray Lewis' stabbing comments about its sport lightly. Earlier this week we highlighted HHR's Greg Mescall calling out the Raven LB in the NY Times' Fifth Down Blog.
Yesterday, US Men's team captain Ryan Bailey took his challenge to the Youtubes.
Yesterday, US Men's team captain Ryan Bailey took his challenge to the Youtubes.
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: Week 2
I must start off with some sad news. As you may have noticed, there was no Week One wrapup posted last week. This is because I was hiding out and waiting for the investigation to blow over while I planned how to spend all the blogger money that nice guy from Nigeria tells me should be here any day now. But unfortunately, it looks like that’s not how it’s going to go down. So, it is with deep regret, I am announcing that I will be returning the “Participant” ribbon I earned during my third grade field day. I apologize for any embarrassment I may have caused to my fellow classmates and the fine instructors at Benjamin Franklin Elementary.
Wow, feels good to get that off my chest. Now, moving on to our cynical view of the first two weeks of college football . . .
You Be the Judge
Take a guess: 70’s porn star or 2010 college football player? (answer below)
Call It Like It Is
I know we all get sick of the coaches’ pregame press conferences before the national contender vs. weak sisters of the poor games, where they talk about how much respect they have for their opponent, how the other team has a lot of great athletes, blah blah blah. Well, kudos to Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops for finally telling like it is. Several OU fan friends of mine reported that, late in a struggling 31-24 win over Utah State, Bob Stoops could be heard yelling at his struggling secondary, “This is UTAH STATE we’re playing!” Yes, it was an unscripted moment, but kudos to Stoops for at least appealing to his players’ pride and pointing out that the game shouldn’t have been within 5 touchdowns by that point. (I’ve since heard the audio for myself, but have yet to find a link online. If anyone knows somewhere I can get it, please send it my way.)
C'mon, Bob. Tell us how you really feel.
The Biggest Loser
We’re only two weeks into the season, and we can already nominate the biggest loser of the season. And it’s a team that might not actually lose a game. A week ago, the talk was how Boise State, fresh off their win over Virginia Tech, could become the first non-BCS AQ school to play in the championship game. Then it happened. And by it, I mean Viriginia Tech pissing down their leg in a loss to in-state rival James Madison. And when I say rival, I mean they reside in the same state, but the similarity and competition pretty much ends there. Now, instead of Boise supporters pointing to that big signature regular season win they’d been lacking on their resume, the detractors now have ample evidence that Boise isn’t that good. You’re known by the company you keep. And if Boise’s best win is a last-minute victory over a team that loses at home to James Madison, fair or not, that doesn’t really speak well for Boise’s body of work.
I hear Tempe’s nice that time of year. But then you already knew that, didn’t you?
I Don’t Want to See A Replay of This
Last week, new Tennessee coach Derek Dooley had to give his players lessons in showering and proper hygiene after a handful of Vols players came down with staph infections. This is how low UT sunk under Lane Kiffin—the players had lost the ability to bathe themselves.
Maybe they hired the wrong guy.
Keeping Chiropractors in Business Since . . . Last Week
Don’t be surprised if a lot of folks in the stands at Kansas’ next home game are wearing neck braces. It’s hard to imagine a bigger case of whiplash than the one Jayhawks fans just experienced. KU started off the season with a debacle, losing 6-3 to I-AA (I still can’t get used to calling it FCS) North Dakota State. And one game in to his career, the seat was already getting pretty warm under new coach Turner Gill. But, one week later, the Jayhawks did a complete turnaround, upsetting #15 Georgia Tech. It’s hard to imagine a bigger one-week turnaround taking place. And with a very winnable schedule (only one ranked team--#8 Nebraska—left this year and no Texas or Oklahoma), all the hope that seemed to be lost after week one may slowly be returning to Lawrence.
“Excuse me, but does this come in blue?”
War Damn (Bye) Eagle
I don’t know who does the SEC scheduling, but I’m pretty sure he’s an Auburn alum. In looking at Alabama’s schedule, I noticed something—each of Bama’s last seven opponents have a bye the week before they have to face the Tide.
Be Careful What You Wish For
Speaking of scheduling, Nebraska may be second-guessing it’s decision to join the Big 10 next year. With the new divisions and schedules being announced recently, Nebraska’s conference schedule next season includes home games with Ohio State and Iowa, along with road tilts against Wisconsin, Penn State and Michigan. Throw in nonconference games against Fresno State and Washington and, as one Lincoln writer put it, “The only thing missing from Nebraska's 2011, 2012 schedule is a cigarette and a blindfold.”
The Big 10’s version of rookie hazing.
Oh, and the answer to the photo question above: That’s Nebraska sophomore DE Cameron Meredith rocking the sweet ‘stache.
Wow, feels good to get that off my chest. Now, moving on to our cynical view of the first two weeks of college football . . .
You Be the Judge
Take a guess: 70’s porn star or 2010 college football player? (answer below)
Call It Like It Is
I know we all get sick of the coaches’ pregame press conferences before the national contender vs. weak sisters of the poor games, where they talk about how much respect they have for their opponent, how the other team has a lot of great athletes, blah blah blah. Well, kudos to Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops for finally telling like it is. Several OU fan friends of mine reported that, late in a struggling 31-24 win over Utah State, Bob Stoops could be heard yelling at his struggling secondary, “This is UTAH STATE we’re playing!” Yes, it was an unscripted moment, but kudos to Stoops for at least appealing to his players’ pride and pointing out that the game shouldn’t have been within 5 touchdowns by that point. (I’ve since heard the audio for myself, but have yet to find a link online. If anyone knows somewhere I can get it, please send it my way.)
C'mon, Bob. Tell us how you really feel.The Biggest Loser
We’re only two weeks into the season, and we can already nominate the biggest loser of the season. And it’s a team that might not actually lose a game. A week ago, the talk was how Boise State, fresh off their win over Virginia Tech, could become the first non-BCS AQ school to play in the championship game. Then it happened. And by it, I mean Viriginia Tech pissing down their leg in a loss to in-state rival James Madison. And when I say rival, I mean they reside in the same state, but the similarity and competition pretty much ends there. Now, instead of Boise supporters pointing to that big signature regular season win they’d been lacking on their resume, the detractors now have ample evidence that Boise isn’t that good. You’re known by the company you keep. And if Boise’s best win is a last-minute victory over a team that loses at home to James Madison, fair or not, that doesn’t really speak well for Boise’s body of work.
I hear Tempe’s nice that time of year. But then you already knew that, didn’t you? I Don’t Want to See A Replay of This
Last week, new Tennessee coach Derek Dooley had to give his players lessons in showering and proper hygiene after a handful of Vols players came down with staph infections. This is how low UT sunk under Lane Kiffin—the players had lost the ability to bathe themselves.
Maybe they hired the wrong guy.Keeping Chiropractors in Business Since . . . Last Week
Don’t be surprised if a lot of folks in the stands at Kansas’ next home game are wearing neck braces. It’s hard to imagine a bigger case of whiplash than the one Jayhawks fans just experienced. KU started off the season with a debacle, losing 6-3 to I-AA (I still can’t get used to calling it FCS) North Dakota State. And one game in to his career, the seat was already getting pretty warm under new coach Turner Gill. But, one week later, the Jayhawks did a complete turnaround, upsetting #15 Georgia Tech. It’s hard to imagine a bigger one-week turnaround taking place. And with a very winnable schedule (only one ranked team--#8 Nebraska—left this year and no Texas or Oklahoma), all the hope that seemed to be lost after week one may slowly be returning to Lawrence.
“Excuse me, but does this come in blue?”War Damn (Bye) Eagle
I don’t know who does the SEC scheduling, but I’m pretty sure he’s an Auburn alum. In looking at Alabama’s schedule, I noticed something—each of Bama’s last seven opponents have a bye the week before they have to face the Tide.
Be Careful What You Wish For
Speaking of scheduling, Nebraska may be second-guessing it’s decision to join the Big 10 next year. With the new divisions and schedules being announced recently, Nebraska’s conference schedule next season includes home games with Ohio State and Iowa, along with road tilts against Wisconsin, Penn State and Michigan. Throw in nonconference games against Fresno State and Washington and, as one Lincoln writer put it, “The only thing missing from Nebraska's 2011, 2012 schedule is a cigarette and a blindfold.”
The Big 10’s version of rookie hazing. Oh, and the answer to the photo question above: That’s Nebraska sophomore DE Cameron Meredith rocking the sweet ‘stache.
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Ines Sainz Doesn't Get It...Or Does She?
Fox News just ran one of the best uncomfortable interviews ever. Watch with glee as anchor Jon Scott tries in vain to keep his eyes averted from the nearly fully exposed rack of Ines Sainz, the reporter who claims she was "harassed" in the New York Jets locker room over the weekend. Note the lack of straight faces at the end, also, this interview is best watched with the volume on mute...the sounds are just distracting.
Anyone else figuring out that this whole story is one giant practical joke/publicity stunt to get her onto the pages of Playboy (fingers crossed)? Dying of embarrassment indeed...
-HHR's Sr. Legal Analyst Blue Pulaski
Anyone else figuring out that this whole story is one giant practical joke/publicity stunt to get her onto the pages of Playboy (fingers crossed)? Dying of embarrassment indeed...
-HHR's Sr. Legal Analyst Blue Pulaski
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Separated at Birth: One's a Comedian and the Other's Ron White
They call one "Tater Salad" and the other uses it to lighten his coffee.Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
HHR Contributer Smacks Down Ray Lewis...and is Still Alive (For Now)
After Baltimore Raven rider Ray Lewis belittled the sport last week ("But we don’t need no hope. Y’all can keep your hope because we’ve got enough hope over here. We’re packing our bags, and we’re not packing our bags to come play water polo."), HHR water polo aficionado Greg Mescall challenges the linebacker to put his Speedo where his mouth is in the NYT's Fifth Down Blog today:
With all due respect to the luggage industry, what I get out of this is that Ray Lewis thinks water polo is easy. We know otherwise. Ray Lewis has distinguished himself as one of the greatest linebackers in the N.F.L. over his storied playing career. Now his career as a water polo player, that is something I’d like to see...
Take Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Dhani Jones, who played water polo with one of the top clubs in Europe, in Dubrovnik, Croatia, for his reality show. Or Dallas Mavericks point guard Jason Kidd, who told me at the 2008 Olympics that he once took part in a water polo practice with the California Bears men’s team back in college; he said it was brutal. As one reporter described the sport, water polo is “boxing plus sprinting plus basketball plus wrestling — with no floor beneath your feet.” Sounds about right...
So Ray, we welcome you to come play water polo — after the season, of course. Pack lightly; it’s a long time to stay above water.
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Jack Buck's 9/11 Poem
Since this nation was founded under
God, more than 200 years ago,
We've been the bastion of
Freedom...
The light which keeps the free world
Aglow.
We do not covet the possessions of
Others, we are blessed with the
Bounty we share.
We have rushed to help other
Nations...anything...anytime...
Anywhere.
War is just not our nature...we
Won't start, but we will end the fight.
If we are involved we shall be
Resolved to protect what we know is
Right.
We've been challenged by a
Cowardly foe, who strikes and then
Hides from our view.
With one voice we say there's no
Choice today, there is only one
Thing to do.
Everyone is saying the same thing
And praying that we end these
Senseless moments we are living.
As our fathers did before, we shall
Win this unwanted war.
And our children will enjoy the
Future, we'll be giving.
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Friday, September 10, 2010
NFL Preview through the Eyes of CR Dunbar
This is the time of year where NFL prognosticators come out of hibernation to make pussyfooted predictions about the NFL season so they can go to their bosses hat-in-hand same time next year to try and keep their job as the next crop of wannabe broadcasters knock on the door outside.
Well, I have studied for several fantasy football drafts making me as qualified and I don’t have a boss so I can give you balls out predictions of the NFL season. Take these to the bank:
NFC North
ESPN’s NFL offseason programs will need new material for 10 minutes per episode in 2011 as Ndamukong Suh ends Brett Favre’s career with a tackle that both concusses and breaks his ankle. So troubled by the episode, Percy Havin has a massive migraine that puts him on the physically unable to perform list for the rest of the season.
Mike Martz forces Jay Cutler to consume an extra three drinks per night. “Throw to an open space not a receiver.” Bears fans are quickly humbled.
After bursting from the shadows of Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers cannot handle the pressure of being a top ten fantasy pick across the nation. The pressure is too much that he asks his former mentor for advice that translates to a staggering uptick in interceptions.
Lions win the North as a crop of rookies and second year players don’t understand that they are supposed to lay on their backs and get their bellies tickled.
NFC East
Media focus strains the Cowboys as the reality of playing in the Super Bowl at home approaches. A two game losing streak at the end of the season that threatens playoff chances sends Wade Phillips to the showers. Jerry Jones insists that only his voice be transmitted to new coach Jason Garrett’s headset. Cowboys reach the wildcard game.
Giants play under the radar football for 12 weeks and then string together a four game winning streak putting them into the playoffs. New York goes crazy, everyone else falls asleep.
Donovan McNabb sends the Redskin nation into a tizzy his first 2 games. He is the next coming of Barack Obama. But hype and reality begin to mix, and Skins slowly become an afterthought with owner Daniel Snyder sulking his sorrows by devouring a Papa Johns pizza.
Philadelphia fans mark an “x” through their season. It never happened.
NFC South
Drew Brees becomes the face of the NFL that for some unexplainable reason leaves a taste of liver in people’s mouths. Saints quickly remember that life isn’t all painted naked bodies parading through the streets, but still too much to handle for the NFC South.
Highlight of the Buccaneers season is when a blogger sees that someone on their team is named Trueblood and gets to put the Rolling Stone picture up.
Carolina becomes the darling of the Fox crew. Terry goes down there to use his southern accent, but begins to uncontrollably and uncomfortably weep when it strikes him that Jake Delhomme no longer plays there. Carolina fans weep when their two-headed running back monster goes down, but a stick-it-to-Peppers mentality tingles the defenses’ loins, gives Stewart and Williams time to recover and puts them in the playoffs.
Turner fantasy owners and fans remember that NFL running backs have big seasons and then collapse all the time. Matt Ryan is best when he has someone to run the ball behind him so he can work play action. Tragedy ensues, sorry Hotlanta.
NFC West
America forgets there is an NFC West.
49ers win the division by default. Mr. Perfect Larry Fitzgerald goes Ochocinco diva and gives up on the season to continue the Alien movie series. Pete Carroll finds that it is easier to motivate college players with money than multi-millionaires. Sam Bradford dislocates his shoulder while cashing a paycheck so Rams try Stephen Jackson at QB with limited success.
AFC North
Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson move in together for a reality show. Both contract diseases that actually make them younger and stronger. Maualuga injures the rest of the NFC North. Bengals run away with it.
Seeing Flacco’s eyebrow on the Raven’s official program, Ray Lewis overfills with murderous anger that turns a pre-game pep huddle into a melee. Ray Rice is the casualty as Ngata, not seeing him, trips over him and crushes his leg.
Browns score 80 percent of their points off of special teams. Not enough.
Mendenhall suffers a serious case of fumblitis with the team on his shoulders. Steeler fans wait anxiously for Roethlisberger’s return, but it is short lived. He gets concussions, remember?
AFC South
The football gods look unfavorably toward the Colts. Manning is injured costing him millions in a new contract. I believe that the punter is the backup QB. Not good.
The gods look favorably upon the Texans. Everything clicks. Schaub plays out of his mind. Williams dominates the line giving him the NFL Defensive Player of the Year award, sticking it further to Reggie Bush.
You can’t put the team on the running back’s back when he doesn’t have a knee. Jaguars buckle like Theisman’s knee.
Chris Jackson and Vince Young bring the spread offense to the NFL. Every NFL talking head reminds us that they knew that Vince Young would be good. Titans squeak into the playoffs. Everyone basks in Jeff Fisher’s glory.
AFC East
Tom Brady plays worse than his acting against division rivals. Randy Moss stops running routes to save his value (makes sense in his mind) and an angry Belichick can’t create a good enough defensive scheme for unmotivated talent. Patriots miss the playoffs.
The Jets go a whole game without throwing a pass and win. Ryan cusses out Tony Dungy on national TV. All media attention is focused on Ryan allowing Sanchez to loosen his collar and take the team to the playoffs. Cromartie sets out to have a kid for each of his teammates.
Even I can’t find a scenario for the Bills to win.
Brandon Marshall becomes the king of Miami with electrifying catches that put the Dolphins on a winning streak. Brandon Marshall enjoys being the king of Miami. Brandon Marshall does something stupid, think Scarface. Miami loses into the playoffs.
AFC West
The AFC West is up in the air all season. Philip Rivers punches Jim Nantz in frustration after being asked again about Drew Brees. The league suspends him.
America remembers there is a franchise in Kansas City. Fox crew yucks it up for 15 minutes trying to determine what state Kansas City is in, good stuff. Sub .500 ball keeps them out of the playoffs in a wide open division.
Royal, Lloyd and Gaffney go to the press complaining that they are not getting enough targets and organize a coup with Tim Tebow. They get what they asked for, but Tebow runs the ball every time with Moreno. Recipe for disaster.
Oakland wins it with an 8-8 record. Richard Seymour thanks the Patriots with a nice fruit basket.
Playoffs NFC: Lions, Giants, Cowboys, Saints, Panthers, 49ers
Playoffs AFC: Bengals, Texans, Jets, Dolphins, Raiders, Titans
You figure out the rest.
Well, I have studied for several fantasy football drafts making me as qualified and I don’t have a boss so I can give you balls out predictions of the NFL season. Take these to the bank:
NFC North
ESPN’s NFL offseason programs will need new material for 10 minutes per episode in 2011 as Ndamukong Suh ends Brett Favre’s career with a tackle that both concusses and breaks his ankle. So troubled by the episode, Percy Havin has a massive migraine that puts him on the physically unable to perform list for the rest of the season.
Mike Martz forces Jay Cutler to consume an extra three drinks per night. “Throw to an open space not a receiver.” Bears fans are quickly humbled.
After bursting from the shadows of Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers cannot handle the pressure of being a top ten fantasy pick across the nation. The pressure is too much that he asks his former mentor for advice that translates to a staggering uptick in interceptions.
Lions win the North as a crop of rookies and second year players don’t understand that they are supposed to lay on their backs and get their bellies tickled.
NFC East
Media focus strains the Cowboys as the reality of playing in the Super Bowl at home approaches. A two game losing streak at the end of the season that threatens playoff chances sends Wade Phillips to the showers. Jerry Jones insists that only his voice be transmitted to new coach Jason Garrett’s headset. Cowboys reach the wildcard game.
Giants play under the radar football for 12 weeks and then string together a four game winning streak putting them into the playoffs. New York goes crazy, everyone else falls asleep.
Donovan McNabb sends the Redskin nation into a tizzy his first 2 games. He is the next coming of Barack Obama. But hype and reality begin to mix, and Skins slowly become an afterthought with owner Daniel Snyder sulking his sorrows by devouring a Papa Johns pizza.
Philadelphia fans mark an “x” through their season. It never happened.
NFC South
Drew Brees becomes the face of the NFL that for some unexplainable reason leaves a taste of liver in people’s mouths. Saints quickly remember that life isn’t all painted naked bodies parading through the streets, but still too much to handle for the NFC South.
Highlight of the Buccaneers season is when a blogger sees that someone on their team is named Trueblood and gets to put the Rolling Stone picture up.
Carolina becomes the darling of the Fox crew. Terry goes down there to use his southern accent, but begins to uncontrollably and uncomfortably weep when it strikes him that Jake Delhomme no longer plays there. Carolina fans weep when their two-headed running back monster goes down, but a stick-it-to-Peppers mentality tingles the defenses’ loins, gives Stewart and Williams time to recover and puts them in the playoffs.Turner fantasy owners and fans remember that NFL running backs have big seasons and then collapse all the time. Matt Ryan is best when he has someone to run the ball behind him so he can work play action. Tragedy ensues, sorry Hotlanta.
NFC West
America forgets there is an NFC West.
49ers win the division by default. Mr. Perfect Larry Fitzgerald goes Ochocinco diva and gives up on the season to continue the Alien movie series. Pete Carroll finds that it is easier to motivate college players with money than multi-millionaires. Sam Bradford dislocates his shoulder while cashing a paycheck so Rams try Stephen Jackson at QB with limited success.
AFC North
Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson move in together for a reality show. Both contract diseases that actually make them younger and stronger. Maualuga injures the rest of the NFC North. Bengals run away with it.
Seeing Flacco’s eyebrow on the Raven’s official program, Ray Lewis overfills with murderous anger that turns a pre-game pep huddle into a melee. Ray Rice is the casualty as Ngata, not seeing him, trips over him and crushes his leg.
Browns score 80 percent of their points off of special teams. Not enough.
Mendenhall suffers a serious case of fumblitis with the team on his shoulders. Steeler fans wait anxiously for Roethlisberger’s return, but it is short lived. He gets concussions, remember?
AFC South
The football gods look unfavorably toward the Colts. Manning is injured costing him millions in a new contract. I believe that the punter is the backup QB. Not good.
The gods look favorably upon the Texans. Everything clicks. Schaub plays out of his mind. Williams dominates the line giving him the NFL Defensive Player of the Year award, sticking it further to Reggie Bush.
You can’t put the team on the running back’s back when he doesn’t have a knee. Jaguars buckle like Theisman’s knee.
Chris Jackson and Vince Young bring the spread offense to the NFL. Every NFL talking head reminds us that they knew that Vince Young would be good. Titans squeak into the playoffs. Everyone basks in Jeff Fisher’s glory.
AFC East
Tom Brady plays worse than his acting against division rivals. Randy Moss stops running routes to save his value (makes sense in his mind) and an angry Belichick can’t create a good enough defensive scheme for unmotivated talent. Patriots miss the playoffs.
The Jets go a whole game without throwing a pass and win. Ryan cusses out Tony Dungy on national TV. All media attention is focused on Ryan allowing Sanchez to loosen his collar and take the team to the playoffs. Cromartie sets out to have a kid for each of his teammates.
Even I can’t find a scenario for the Bills to win.
Brandon Marshall becomes the king of Miami with electrifying catches that put the Dolphins on a winning streak. Brandon Marshall enjoys being the king of Miami. Brandon Marshall does something stupid, think Scarface. Miami loses into the playoffs.
AFC West
The AFC West is up in the air all season. Philip Rivers punches Jim Nantz in frustration after being asked again about Drew Brees. The league suspends him.
America remembers there is a franchise in Kansas City. Fox crew yucks it up for 15 minutes trying to determine what state Kansas City is in, good stuff. Sub .500 ball keeps them out of the playoffs in a wide open division.
Royal, Lloyd and Gaffney go to the press complaining that they are not getting enough targets and organize a coup with Tim Tebow. They get what they asked for, but Tebow runs the ball every time with Moreno. Recipe for disaster.
Oakland wins it with an 8-8 record. Richard Seymour thanks the Patriots with a nice fruit basket.
Playoffs NFC: Lions, Giants, Cowboys, Saints, Panthers, 49ers
Playoffs AFC: Bengals, Texans, Jets, Dolphins, Raiders, Titans
You figure out the rest.
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Waiting for Godunk: The D-League is Perfect
The Estonian national treasure is back stateside. Check out Kevin's latest over at SLAMOnline: "The D-League is Perfect: ‘Development’ isn’t so bad at all."Article here.
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Don't Hate Tommy, Hate Yourself...
Look who showed up to a CA gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman "Gen-M" mixer this past weekend. Some leopard printed vixen... AND former Dodgers and US Olympic coach, Tommy Lasorda.
-HHR's Chief Stalkerazzi Blue Pulaski
Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
You Can Eat Coach K's Big D
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: 2010 Preseason Predictions
Man, what I wild offseason that was. With all the conference realignment/dealignment rumors out there, it seemed like college football was the talk of the summer. Heck, ESPN even took a break from Favre Watch 2010 to report some more (wildly inaccurate) Big 10 expansion rumors from Joe Schad. So, for us college football geeks, the good news was that we had plenty to discuss all summer. The bad news was that we had plenty to discuss, but it was still only summer.
But, finally, all the talk is behind us. Everybody is ready to go and I never thought I’d be so excited to tune into Versus and the Big 10 Network. So, without further ado, here are the Cynic’s 21 fearless preseason predictions that are guaranteed to be wrong. Unless they’re right, in which case I want a cut of whatever you won in Vegas.
Take me with you! 1. Winner Takes All
A non-BCS team will make the national championship game, but it’s not the one you think. Boise State’s title hopes will be done in week one when they lose to Virginia Tech. Meanwhile, TCU will quietly run the table and, thanks to the amazing power of poll voter inertia, magically move up the rankings to make the title game. But they’ll lose to Ohio State. (And yes, I know it’s blasphemous to pick a national title game that doesn’t have an SEC team in it.)
Hey, the crystal matches my sweater vest!2. The Best of the Rest
- Rose Bowl: Oregon vs. Florida
- Orange Bowl: Miami vs. Nebraska
- Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. UConn
- Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Wisconsin
3. Hype Springs Eternal
With Tebow, McCoy and Bradford all finally gone, this year’s Heisman race is as wide open as ever. The finalists will be:
- Oklahoma wide receiver Ryan Broyles. Missed two games last year with a broken shoulder blade and still set the school record for receptions.
- TCU quarterback Andy Dalton. Be the top player on a team in the title game, and you get an automatic invite to New York. It’s a rule or something.
- Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett. It’s also a rule that you have to have at least one SEC player invited to the party. Mallett is the one most likely to put up the big numbers.
- Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor. The hype on Pryor is too great this year for him not to get an invite. And if tOSU runs the table, he’ll have earned it.
- Oregon RB LaMichael James or Oregon St. RB Jacquizz Rogers. Depends on whichever Oregon team has a better season.
Gratuitous Heisman pose shot.4. This time next year, Butch Davis and Rich Rodriguez will still be involved in lawsuits against their respective schools after being fired at the end of the season, but both schools refusing to pay their buyouts, arguing they were fired for cause after running afoul of the NCAA.
5. Other BCS-conference coaches looking for a job: Dan Hawkins (Colorado), Mike Stoops (Arizona), Ron Zook (Illinois) and Tom O’Brien (North Carolina State).
6. Steve Spurrier will announce his retirement from coaching at the end of the season.
7. Lee Corso will announce his retirement at the end of the season. And will be replaced by Steve Spurrier.
8. Joe Paterno will announce he’s coming back for 2011, mainly because he wants to be in the Big 10 with “that young whippersnapper” Tom Osborne.
9. Miami head coach Randy Shannon will be a hot name rumored for a couple of NFL openings, but will ultimately stay with the Canes.
10. Western Kentucky will extend their nation’s-worst losing streak to 32 games by the end of the season.
Football has not been kind to Big Red. 11. Tim Tebow will be referenced at least 15 times during every Florida Gators broadcast this year. And at least 5 times in every Denver Broncos broadcast.
The world’s most popular backup quarterback. 12. With Texas Tech athletic director Gerald Myers announcing his retirement, the “Mike Leach for AD” campaign will be in full force by the end of the season.
13. USC will find a half-eaten cheese sandwich that Reggie Bush accidentally left behind in 2004. They will send it back.
14. At least 5 walk-ons will start for North Carolina this season. Because everyone else has been suspended.
How many times did I tell you not to Tweet about going to your agent’s stripper parties while your tutor wrote your term papers for you?15. Joe Schad will report something that is actually true. (Hey, it’s gotta happen eventually, right?)
16. People will make 54,376,232 jokes about the Big 12 having 10 teams and the Big 10 having 12. And they’ll think they’re being funny every time. And they’ll be wrong every time.
7-Eleven didn’t change their name when they started staying open 24 hours. Now let it go. 17. Since Jeremiah Masoli was ruled ineligible, Ole Miss coach Huston Nutt will go after other soldiers-for-hire. But the Rebels will still finish last in the SEC West.
On the upside, B.A. Barracus will make 2nd team all-conference at linebacker. 18. Virginia Tech will upset Boise State in Week One. Tyrod Taylor will jump to the top of the Heisman watch lists. And then Virginia Tech will then gift wrap the ACC title for Miami with the same two inexplicable conference losses the Hokies always seem to manage.
19. Top 25 team (not named North Carolina) most likely to tank this season: #19 Penn State. A freshman QB, a suspect offensive line and road trips to Alabama, Iowa and Ohio State are not good omens.
20. Unranked team most likely to join the party: You heard it here first, Connecticut will win the Big East.
Yes, I’m sure we’re not talking about women's basketball.21. Player most likely to be benched at least three times this season: South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia
A couple of random notes:
Biggest Badass: Miami DE Allen Bailey. The man once killed an alligator. With a shovel. So he could eat it.
Bailey demonstrating his gator strangling technique.Best Name: Nebraska CB Prince Amukamara
I promise you NFL scouts know his name. Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)