Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Cynic’s Guide to Cheating: You’re Doing it Wrong

Remember back in your college days when you’d head to the bookstore to pay obscene amounts of money for books you’d crack open the night before the final and then never touch again? Remember how there was always that one professor who would have three required textbooks and four or five more “recommended” books? How many of those recommendations found their way on to your bookshelf? Yeah, same here.

So I find it amusing to read that the Nebraska athletics department self-reported a violation to the NCAA yesterday. Their crime? Violating an arcane NCAA rule that allows universities to provide student athletes with the books required for their classes, but not the recommended ones. Yep, extra textbooks. While you were out partying it up, Husker student athletes were home getting ahead of you by reading all those books their professors recommended, but didn’t require. (Well, at least I assume they were. It’s not like they’re normal college kids or anything.) And NU Athletics Director Tom Osborne says the athletes in question weren’t even allowed to sell their books back and pocket the cash!

An unnamed Nebraska athlete is seen openly flaunting her violation of NCAA rules.

No offense, Nebraska, but you’re doing this all wrong. Everyone knows extra benefits are supposed to involve cash under the table, free cars, hot co-eds, tattoos and jewelry. Not extra political science and kinesiology textbooks. You’ll never beat Texas [insert name of new Big Ten rival here] that way. Sure, you might extend your NCAA record of academic all-Americans. But how can Jim Tressel and Chip Kelly even take you seriously? Besides, it’s not like you actually want your scholarship students to get an education or anything. I mean, next thing you know you’ll be calling yourself an educational institution and your students will just be learning and developing the ability to think freely all over the place. Anarchy!

So come on, Cornhuskers. There’s gotta be a “recruiting service” or a friendly booster-owned car dealership around you can call.

Hey, Warren Buffett’s a fan. And he’s totally into tattoos.

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