Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: 2011 Preseason Odds

Well, thank goodness that’s over.

As my longtime readers (hi mom!) know, I’m not the most positive guy in the world. But even by my cynical standards, this offseason was terrible. It seems like every time we thought we could finally think about football, another scandal would rear its ugly head. And while these scandals (along with conference realignment, round two) will continue to dominate the headlines, we can finally turn our attention to the good stuff. College football kicks off tonight and it promises to be a wild season.

Worst. Offseason. Ever.

While Oklahoma and Alabama are at the top of the polls, I don’t know that anyone would consider them unbeatable. You can get decent odds on any number of teams. But that would be too easy. So let’s look at some other prop bets (purely for educational purposes, of course) that you can get this season. All odds came directly from the sports book at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Either that or the homeless guy I accidentally tripped over walking down Fremont Street. I don’t quite remember.

In General
  • Over/under on the number of “The Big 12 has ten nine teams and the Big Ten has 12” jokes will be made by sportswriters/bloggers/message boarders this season: 7,326,141. And bet the over.
  • Odds that any of those jokes will be funnier than an average Garfield comic strip in which he eats a lasagna and takes a nap: 3/1
  • Odds that any of those jokes will be funnier than a Dane Cook comedy routine: Even
  • Odds that Jon Gruden and Urban Meyer will be rumored for any and all coaching jobs that come open: 2/5
  • Odds that mentions of the name Nevin Shapiro will outnumber those of Al Golden: 5/2
  • Odds that Maryland will sell out any games this year, even with the help of Groupon: 25/1

Ticket to see Maryland/Miami and a free t-shirt? Sign me up!
  • Over/under on number of times we’ll hear “Florida State is back” after halftime of their game against Oklahoma: 1
Big East
  • Odds West Virginia offensive coordinator coach-in-waiting head coach Dana Holgorsen’s drink of choice will be red bull and vodka with a quadruple espresso chaser the next time he’s kicked out of a casino at 3 in the morning: 2/1
Burn all the couches you want. Just keep your hands off my energy drink fridge.
  • Over/under on number of cutaways to Lou Holtz to which we’ll be subjected this weekend when South Florida (coached by Skip Holtz) takes on Notre Dame: 15
  • Odds anyone in the Big East will have less than two losses after Halloween: 8/1
Big 12
  • Odds that Texas A&M will get “the Nebraska treatment” by Big 12 officials in any important conference games: Even
  • Odds that anyone from ESPN will say anything negative about Texas: $300,000,000/1
  • Odds Iowa State is completely hosed if when the Big 12 disbands: 1/3
Tailgating in Ames, 2011

Big Ten
  • Odds Nebraska Coach Bo Pelini will strangle a reporter with a microphone cord after being asked about his interest in the Ohio State coaching job for the 200th time: 8/1
  • Odds Michigan head coach Brady Hoke wears a maize and blue sweater vest for the Ohio State game: 400:1

Although odds go to 1/5 that he would be inducted into the UM Hall of Fame on the spot if he did.

  • Odds the division winners won't display their division trophies because they're too embarrassed to refer to themselves as "Legends" or "Leaders": 24/1
  • Over/under on number of times South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia will be arrested, ticketed, suspended or benched this season. 3
  • Over/under on number of times Georgia coach Mark Richt’s name will be used by national writers this season without being accompanied by the phrase, “on the hot seat.”: 3
  • Odds Nick Saban will find a way to blame the local sports media for a failure to convert on 4th and 2: 3/1

Damn you, Dothan Eagle, I’m not sure how, but I’m sure this is your fault.

  • Odds that USC (which is on bowl probation) gets the same number of bowl invites as UCLA: 3/2
  • Odds Andrew Luck regrows his Amish beard and shows up at the Heisman ceremony in a horse and buggy: 400/1

Although it’d be really cool if he did.
  • Over/under on number of different uniform combinations the Oregon Ducks will break out this season: 17
It’s week one. Which means your team is undefeated! So enjoy. Next week, we’ll get back to finding the dark cloud in college football’s silver lining.

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1 comment:

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