The Ultimate Called Shot

Blue's shot caller of the year goes to the Tampa Bay Rays announcer who, right before the last pitch to Evan Longoria, blurts out what everyone was thinking at that moment: "Let's go. I'm ready to party!" (1:15 in the video)...



The notorious Tampa strip clubs must have made a killing last night.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

CBS Propagates a Punter's Message of Hate

Giants punter Steve Weatherford told the world today what he thought about the City of Brotherly Love and has somehow managed to stay alive (so far).

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

Jesse Holley is Coming, Elizabeth

In case you missed it...at the end of overtime in the Dallas-SF game, Jesse Holley reminded us no less thana half-dozen times that this is, in fact, the big one.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

Philadelpia Phillies: Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

I mean...who wouldn't want to bite the head off of Jimmy Rollins?

Courtesy of lead decorator Morgan at Sophisticakes in Drexel Hill, PA.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 3 Thoughts

Some quick hit observations from the college gridiron . . .

The 11^th Commandment

Baylor is threatening lawsuits to hold up Texas A&M’s trip to the SEC and Oklahoma’s trip west to the PAC-12. Can’t say I blame them—if the Big 12 collapses, the Bears go from sucking on a BCS conference teat to scheduling conference games with North Texas or Rice. The only reason they’re in this position today is because former Texas governor Anne Richards was a Baylor grad and refused to sign the legislation allowing the Big 12 to be formed unless Baylor got in on the deal. Still, it seems a little shady for a Baptist school to be engaging in this kind behavior. Too bad “Thou shalt not extort thy fellow conference members” isn’t in the Bible somewhere.

“Um, God? I think I’m missing the sports section.”

What Not to Wear

What have we learned about uniforms in the first two weeks? If they involve the words “throwback” or “retro”, your team will probably look pretty sharp (e.g. Michigan vs. Notre Dame). If they use the words “futuristic” or “Nike Pro Combat,” they’ll either suck beyond words (Boise State vs. Georgia) or they’ll look like something the cast at Medieval Times should be wearing (Maryland).



The funniest thing is that, 40 years from now, Maryland will pull these back out as throwbacks.



Stat Line of the Year

In their 44-0 loss at Michigan State this week, Florida Atlantic netted just 48 yards total offense. The Owls were 0-for-10 on 3^rd down conversions and netted just one first down—for the game. FAU coach Howard Schnellenberger has already announced his retirement and apparently the “short timer” work ethic has worked its magic on the offense.

“Listen, boys. Happy Hour down at Rooster’s starts in 20 minutes. So let’s not drag this one out, OK?”



Somebody Has to Start, Right?

For much of the last year, Texas fans had to be wondering just how bad did Garrett Gilbert have to be before coach Mack Brown would pull the plug. On Saturday, we apparently got an answer: 2-of-8 for eight yards, three three-and-outs and two interceptions in five possessions bad. (For you math geeks, that’s a pass efficiency rating of negative-16.6.) Brown has now announced that Case McCoy and David Ash will split snaps this week. In other words, Texas gone from one quarterback controversy to another (although most UT fans are clamoring for McCoy-to-Shipley v. 2.0) and Gilbert has gone from 13-game starter to 3^rd string.

You don’t have to be a genius to have the same reaction to Gilbert’s numbers.

This Week in True Crime

A college football player gets a public intox or disturbing the peace ticket? No one bats an eyelash. He gets a DUI or gets caught shoplifting? Makes page 7 of the sports section and he has to run a few extra wind sprints? Commit an assault, embezzlement
or other felony? OK, now you’re talking suspensions. But Fresno State coach Pat Hill is now facing a new dilemma in college athletics: what exactly do you do with the two dozen football players currently under investigation for welfare fraud?

Welfare fraud affects us all.

This Will be on the Blooper Reel with the DVD Extras

SMU is already actively lobbying to take Texas A&M’s spot in a new Big 12. I’m guessing the Mustangs’ onside kick attempt against the Aggies in week one won’t be making the highlight tape they send to Commissioner Dan Beebe.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

Rex Ryan Wants to Get Busy or Die Tryin'

I think Rex Ryan is a total blowhard. Not gonna lie. I didn't like him very much. But then I stopped putting on airs and learned to laugh at him, if not with him.

Nice job by the Pepsi Max team asking about his much-mocked calf tat. Equally nice job by Ryan channeling his inner 50 Cent.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: 2011 Preseason Odds

Well, thank goodness that’s over.

As my longtime readers (hi mom!) know, I’m not the most positive guy in the world. But even by my cynical standards, this offseason was terrible. It seems like every time we thought we could finally think about football, another scandal would rear its ugly head. And while these scandals (along with conference realignment, round two) will continue to dominate the headlines, we can finally turn our attention to the good stuff. College football kicks off tonight and it promises to be a wild season.

Worst. Offseason. Ever.

While Oklahoma and Alabama are at the top of the polls, I don’t know that anyone would consider them unbeatable. You can get decent odds on any number of teams. But that would be too easy. So let’s look at some other prop bets (purely for educational purposes, of course) that you can get this season. All odds came directly from the sports book at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Either that or the homeless guy I accidentally tripped over walking down Fremont Street. I don’t quite remember.

In General

• Over/under on the number of “The Big 12 has ten nine teams and the Big Ten has 12” jokes will be made by sportswriters/bloggers/message boarders this season: 7,326,141. And bet the over.
• Odds that any of those jokes will be funnier than an average Garfield comic strip in which he eats a lasagna and takes a nap: 3/1
• Odds that any of those jokes will be funnier than a Dane Cook comedy routine: Even
• Odds that Jon Gruden and Urban Meyer will be rumored for any and all coaching jobs that come open: 2/5

ACC

• Odds that mentions of the name Nevin Shapiro will outnumber those of Al Golden: 5/2
• Odds that Maryland will sell out any games this year, even with the help of Groupon: 25/1

Ticket to see Maryland/Miami and a free t-shirt? Sign me up!

• Over/under on number of times we’ll hear “Florida State is back” after halftime of their game against Oklahoma: 1

Big East

• Odds West Virginia offensive coordinator coach-in-waiting head coach Dana Holgorsen’s drink of choice will be red bull and vodka with a quadruple espresso chaser the next time he’s kicked out of a casino at 3 in the morning: 2/1

Burn all the couches you want. Just keep your hands off my energy drink fridge.

• Over/under on number of cutaways to Lou Holtz to which we’ll be subjected this weekend when South Florida (coached by Skip Holtz) takes on Notre Dame: 15
• Odds anyone in the Big East will have less than two losses after Halloween: 8/1

Big 12

• Odds that Texas A&M will get “the Nebraska treatment” by Big 12 officials in any important conference games: Even
• Odds that anyone from ESPN will say anything negative about Texas: $300,000,000/1
• Odds Iowa State is completely hosed if when the Big 12 disbands: 1/3

Tailgating in Ames, 2011

Big Ten

• Odds Nebraska Coach Bo Pelini will strangle a reporter with a microphone cord after being asked about his interest in the Ohio State coaching job for the 200^th time: 8/1
• Odds Michigan head coach Brady Hoke wears a maize and blue sweater vest for the Ohio State game: 400:1

Although odds go to 1/5 that he would be inducted into the UM Hall of Fame on the spot if he did.

• Odds the division winners won't display their division trophies because they're too embarrassed to refer to themselves as "Legends" or "Leaders": 24/1

SEC

• Over/under on number of times South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia will be arrested, ticketed, suspended or benched this season. 3
• Over/under on number of times Georgia coach Mark Richt’s name will be used by national writers this season without being accompanied by the phrase, “on the hot seat.”: 3
• Odds Nick Saban will find a way to blame the local sports media for a failure to convert on 4^th and 2: 3/1

Damn you, Dothan Eagle, I’m not sure how, but I’m sure this is your fault.

Pac-12

• Odds that USC (which is on bowl probation) gets the same number of bowl invites as UCLA: 3/2
• Odds Andrew Luck regrows his Amish beard and shows up at the Heisman ceremony in a horse and buggy: 400/1

Although it’d be really cool if he did.

• Over/under on number of different uniform combinations the Oregon Ducks will break out this season: 17

It’s week one. Which means your team is undefeated! So enjoy. Next week, we’ll get back to finding the dark cloud in college football’s silver lining.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.