Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Sorry John Czarnecki, but you aren't best ever.



Suck it, Czar.

Before John Czarnecki rolled along (and his waistline suggests he does indeed roll), CNNSI, ESPN, and every other spots outlet always complained whenever a competing writer was mentioned as the best ever. But going unberated by the blogosphere is often the result of a fortunate break (the schedule) or a determined assclown relying on obscurity and a penchant to drink at work. To me, domination is only complete when the piece is finished and the best writer wins (see Horn, Around The). Every writer's best season is football season, namely because hockey and soccer aren't real sports, golf is even more boring to read about, and baseball lasts an eternity. To use the NFL as an analogy: For the legendary Packers team, it was when they actually hoisted Vince Lombardi onto their shoulders. For the Boston Globe reporters it was when they hoisted Ron Borges on their shoulders and threw him the fuck outta there.

Mr. and Mrs. Czarnecki's son John is as focused as they are (were? Sorry, don't know). Every one of his interns, starting with MVP Tom Brady (coincidence), is in lock step with his direction, the bathroom. But I can think of several reporters in the history of the NFL (Newspaper Fuck-up Laughingstocks) that were better at being total jackasses. To me, writing about every game with your foot AND four chicken legs in your mouth isn't everything. To me, championships are everything, including the playoff run. And despite every sentence dripping moist with his own self-indulgent asshattery, John Czarnecki doesn't even make the playoffs.

John Czarnecki is undoubtedly the best sports reporter ever in the free-fact era. I hate to say this, but there are too many bad douchebag reporters these days — reporters without real premises, some with online blogs, and some with too many personnel hugs. Before Peter King found himself in Week 17, the two writers that gave John Czarnecki the most trouble this season were A.J. Adande and Tank McNamara, two perennial backups.

Czarnecki has the fewest holes (he has an outie), but being defensive about his age has begun to show lately based on his inability to dominate in his own home, losing control of the remote to his wife and grandaughters. Fans at Fox Sports still believe last Sunday's column might have been different had the FootballOutsiders people had a healthy Aaron Schatz spoon feeding him numbers.

Without apologies to Czarnecki, here are my top eight "Czars" worthy of our respect:

  • Tsars. Same pronounciation but switch the C to T and the z to s. Why? Because they have THAT MUCH POWER
  • Czar, West Virginia - it is an unincorporated community. Unlike some longtime editorial consultants of Fox Sports.
  • Czar, Alberta - Canadian, I know. That just shows you how far John Czarnecki is from being the best.
  • Drug Czars - Actually, I had this confused with Drug Lords, but they are still pretty high up in the food chain, even if they are *cough* Narc! *cough* Narcs! *cough*
  • The Rock band, Tsar - Though your fingers are like little drumsticks, the only tune John Czarnecki carries is that of a high fiber diet being released each morning.
  • Czar Cannon- A cannon! A fucking cannon! John Czarnecki can barely wheeze through the day, much less deliver accurate artillery fire.
  • Czar Alexander III - Crazy bastard.
  • Czarniecki (plural: Czarnieccy) is the surname of a Polish szlachta (nobility) family. Because Polish adjectives have different forms for the genders, Czarniecka is the same form for a female family member. See that? It's what they call a woman with a dick.

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