To: Members of the Sports Media
From: The Chief at HHR
Re: That Whole "Blogging in the Basement" Obsession.
Colleagues - the current and oft-repeated reference of bloggers inhabiting their mother's basement has been incorrectly applied to sports bloggers. While some may live at home - perhaps typing from the basement - those bloggers are probably in high school, so for that they should be forgiven their circumstance. For the rest, the evidence is overwhelming, and the narrative used in interviews when your opinion (or career, or medium) is challenged by a lowly sports blogger must be augmented to reflect the findings. Sports bloggers are not introverts in a basement. Sports bloggers are fucking drunks.
More pointedly sports bloggers are self-identified fucking drugs. In fact, they routinely tout their ability (or desire) to drink on the job or glorify their own recreational substance abuse. They are not secluded in a windowless room giggling like little girls, but it appears they are AT BARS, DRINKING HEAVILY, and in some instances almost-winning contests to go to a Superbowl with a rack-tastic chick. Disturbingly, while this kind of behavior might get a 'real journalist' suspended, these bloggers are managing to publish books, and work at mainstream american newspapers (well that one not so much anymore - why? You Guessed it - he was DRINKING 3 YEARS AGO!). Sports bloggers are drinking even when making impassioned, well reasoned arguments for media legitimacy. Some have even gone as far as discussing the best meals to eat when drunk.
With this new mountain of evidence, the narrative must be recalibrated to show everyone who these people really are. They are not in their basements, and they are no "friends of Bill." They are out getting hammered and meeting hot chicks at Maxim Hot 100 parties. Dicks!
In conclusion, these jerks never had to go through the crucible of working at a major daily to earn the right to spew conventional and often uninformed opinions to the masses. But in order to protect what you have won, you must adapt to modern day battle tactics. While sports bloggers have laid claim to drinking too much, it is not too late to seize uncontested ground! Consider sniffing copius amounts of wood glue, or developing a raging meth habit as a way of 'out-blogging' the bloggers. In an alleyway fight, who is more likely to be victorious - an amped up meth-head or a passed out drunk? Exactly. You can beat them at their own game. You can be that meth-head.