Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Game On: Iron Ref Round 5 - Crowd Goes Wild

The Fifth round of HHR's Iron Ref is on.

Click here
for a look at this week's competitors and an overview of the contest. CAST YOUR VOTE IN THE COMMENTS.

Voting will be tallied at 5 PM EST on Thursday. Remember, winners will return to compete for the title of HHR's Iron Ref. If you are interested in competing, drop us a line.

This round's secret ingredient:

CROWD GOES WILD

East Coast Bias

There is wild, and then there is absolute Richter Scale bedlam. All four of us were present for the same volcanic eruption of emotion, and it changed our perspective.

January 17, 2002. Maryland fans had been waiting for five years to see the highly-ranked Terps beat Duke in College Park. The year before was crushing. Fans were ready to storm the court before Maryland lost the game in the most heartbreaking way possible, choking away a 10 point lead in 54 seconds.

The next year, hopes were high again. The Terps had jumped out to a 7 point lead in the first half and fans were starting to think they'd finally get to see a win over Duke. Jason Williams held the ball for the final possession of the first half and Terp fans were thinking how great it would be to go into halftime up by 5. Steve Blake had other ideas.

As Williams dribbled to run out the clock, he kept checking back to look at Coach K for instructions. He looked back once, twice, and the third time he tried, Steve Blake broke on the ball, timing his move perfectly. Blake was halfway down the court before Williams even knew the ball had been stolen. The entire building went nuts as Blake completed the play by making a very difficult layup around a recovering Williams.



The explosion of emotion is difficult to describe, because our desperate fascination with Duke makes no sense to most outsiders. The fact is that Duke had some psychological hold on not just our team, but our students as well. They can't be a more prestigious academic institution AND better at basketball, can they?!?! Steve Blake instantly TOOK Duke's mystique from them, and we knew this time was going to be different.



Jeff Pyatt

Most of us don't get to play in a packed stadium. We don't know what it's like to have thousands of eyes focused down upon us. And we sure don't know what it's like to make what would objectively be called "a crowd" go wild. But fortunately, defining a crowd is a subjective determination, and limitless glory and timeless anecdotes can come from even the presence of a small one. The following is based on real events, although much of it has been altered to make me look cooler. If you have a problem with that -- or if you're Canadian -- please feel free to send me an email, which I will eagerly ignore.

The Canadians are way ahead -- again. Not your stereotypically soft-spoken, polite pushovers, these Canadians are dirty, loud, boorish, insufferable and equipped with a combined 13-foot wingspan that have enabled each of them to stretch nearly half the distance between the sets of cups.

All night, they've dominated the table -- accumulating defeated victims; destroying interest; crushing hope. And after each successive victory, strutting around the table -- arms spread and head bobbing -- they've rubbed it in our faces, incessantly repeating "Are you not entertained?!?"

Down to our last lonely blue solo cup, we look across to see red cups with friends, six of them in a perfect ordered triangle. It seems we're destined to join the unfocused chatter surrounding us -- a fate that seems all the more sealed when -- plop -- a plastic miniature basketball, 4 centimeters in diameter, swooshes into our final drink.

But still, life -- albeit, very little. Armed with a shoot-til-you-miss retaliatory shot each, my partner and I could dampen defeat -- a task at which he miserably fails.

And with just me left, the unfocused chatter orders itself momentarily as the Canadians next victims scramble to prepare for our spot at the table and as my shot flies into the air.

Plop. Collective Sympathy. Plop. Intrigue. Plop.

Excitement.

Now, with half the remaining cups from only a moment ago, a single voice, perhaps sensing something special -- or perhaps unaware he is saying anything at all -- starts slowly and deliberately, "U... S...A.... U... S... A...." Others join in with hesitations and reservations. Plop. The chant moves faster and grows slightly louder.

"U.. S.. A!.. U.. S.. A!..." Plop. All hesitations and reservations are gone. Everyone is here. Everyone is watching. Everyone is screaming, "USA! USA! USA!..."

Plop... Overtime... And the Crowd Goes Wild.

Knibb High Football Rules!



Joe Student


NEW YORK - The National Football League held auditions today for the head position – the Judge And Chief-Know-it-all – of the newly created Office of Fan-Friendliness. The league-designated JACK-OFF will be placed in charge of making crowds around the country go wild in the 2009 season.

Highlights from the session:




Alright folks, we need someone to come in here and prove that they are the JACK-OFF we are looking for. Our league needs a real JACK-OFF: a representative who can carry across our message from the players and coaches to the fans and get them to really amp up their support.

…Who’s up first?






/dots “I”


/counts on field to be as mediocre as Big Ten





“Next!”









/chaaaaaaaaants for everrrrrrrrrrr


/hopes Calipari won’t foul Chalmers





zzzzzzz….“Uh…wha?...Next!”









/makes a circle with belly…/kisses Andy Reid…


/dodges batteries…/waits for title





“Nope. Not our thing. Kinda scary.”









/scrunches face…

/rich kids assemble tents behind him…

/bends over…/slaps floor…/replaces hips…



Nah. Too collegiate.”









/holds sign…

/flings poo at Bill Belichick

…/masturbates furiously…



This is why we don’t have a team in L.A.”









/dims lights…

/ plays music…

/starts fog machine…



“No, no, no! This is played out.”









/grows beard …

/throws octopus…

/riots, loots, burns Millen in effigy



“Uh…good, but I’m not sure we’re insured that well. Leave your info.”









/rides horse …/hurls flaming spear into stage …

/parties with sexy undergrads…/suspended





“Hmmmn...Getting better, but still not perfect...Who else we got?”










/pulls out wad of cash…

/turns camera on…







(…/shows t*ts)










/goes wild








“I am ready for some football! …This is perfect for the image the NFL has these days. You’re hired!”






/forgets to check IDs.../awaits trial


Tip of the cap to The Dugout, whose style taught us the grip on this change-up we are throwing.


----

Well there you have it. Three altogether different takes on CROWD GOES WILD. Cast your vote for who best used the secret ingredient in the comments. As Abe Lincoln once said, "Vote or Die, bitches." Or was the Puff Daddy? I always mix those two up.

38 comments:

Convict said...

Always vote for beer pong, Jeff Pyatt gets the checkmark.

Dewey Hammond said...

Steve Blake is a pimp.

ECB.

Ethanator1088 said...

I lost my round, and I still think Chris Mottram was ROBBED in week one. I do not hink that I should have won, but Chris was ganked. I will have to start voting on this.

East Coast Bias gets my vote.

Jeff--- I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul... Billy Madison ref. :-)

J-Red said...

I vote for ECB because a) I wrote it and b) I could stare at that LOLsteal all day long.

Ryan said...

Where's the national pride people?

Real Clear Sports.

Kevin said...

ECB

Brien said...

ECB, because it was my idea and I wrote half of it.

J-Red said...

Oh, right. I wrote half of it. I got caught accidentally taking too much credit.

Veronica Love said...

ECB

Robbie said...

U-S-A! U-S-A!
-RCS

JC said...

East Coast Bias, because I watched that game on TV, and its one of the few times where I really wanted Maryland to win.

sportsb*tch said...

I love beer pong...but I love ECB more. J-Red all the way, baby.

chengwes said...

RealClearSports

jennaj said...

Real Clear Sports!

iamcaleb2 said...

Hmmm, I seem to know a lot of these people who are voting.

+1 for Real Clear Sports

Jon Paul said...

Bambi Rules! I vote RCS

Tracer Bullet said...

ECB. Hating Duke is nearly as satisfying as hating the Cowboys.

nikhil28 said...

I vote for East coast Bias....best writers, most informative, just an all around kick ass operation.

Walt said...

East Coast Bias gets the vote.

Sarah said...

East Coast Bias.

Michael said...

ECB

Scott Brazier said...

RCS. That story makes me proud to be an American. If only Jeff could go back in time and play Ivan Drago.

CR Dunbar said...

Beer is delicious

Jeremy said...

ECB - If you enjoyed rooting for the Americans against the Soviets in the 70s and 80s, you understand their submission.

Jamie said...

RCS! I'll take a big victory of the Canadians over a steal at half time any day...

Russianator said...

Cheaply playing the patriotism card + anti canadian sentiments + beer pong = real clear sports.

Tim said...

ECB

Melanie said...

ECB

Sully said...

Real Clear Sports

Birdy Fucktard said...

RCS

Anna said...

RCS!!!!!

James said...

i sure dont know this "jeff pyatt" but he does sound gay.... therefore i whole-heartedly vote for Real Clear Sports

Mike said...

RCS.. No Doubt

John said...

RCS

westleyc said...

RCS over ECB any day. Pah-lease.

Andrew said...

RCS!!!!

Jason said...

RCS

J-Red said...

Obviously, RCS did a better job rounding up late votes than my f-tard co-bloggers.

Congrats, RCS.