Monday, October 13, 2008

Happy Friggin Columbus Day, Yous Guys

It's Columbus Day. Try as they may, the government still hasn't whitewashed Christophero Columbo from the history books. Yet. So for us Italians, it's the one day we have to celebrate our heritage.

In the spirit of the greatest Yankee first baseman of all-time, HHR presents the upper echelon of paisan ballplayers that epitomize what we think of when we perpetuate Italian-American stereotypes.

1B Joseph (Joe) Anthony Pepitone (Captain)

Why He Made the Team: Sure, questions will always surround his beautiful folliage. Rumor has it that he had 2 rugs - his "going out" rug and his "under the hat" rug. However, his distinction of being widely credited for introducing the hairdryer to MLB locker rooms is something that will never be questioned. Tony Manero has nothing on this man.

2B Alfred Manuel "Billy" Martin, Jr.

Why He Made the Team: He smelled like the obligatory Italian scent of masculinity: a combination of Pall Malls and Aqua Velva.

3B Michael Timothy Pagliarulo


Why He Made the Team: Because he said so. Don't think so? F*cking ask him. He will show you the stats. That's what he does now.

SS Roland Americo "Buddy" Biancalana

Why He Made the Team: His namesake founded this country. Or something like that.

C Richard Aldo Cerone

Why He Made the Team: Perhaps the missing Mario Bro., Cerone has that look of an inappropriate drunk uncle who plays a little to close to wrong side of the law.

OF Peter Joseph Incaviglia

Why He Made the Team: With a temper a little too short, a shirt a bit too tight, and wearing one too many gold chains, you might find him doing too many reps at the gym. But, he has your back. And if he doesn't, then you might find him bopping your girlfriend after a late down "downnashore."

OF Lee Louis Mazzilli

Why He Made the Team: No real discernible skills other than being an Italian from Brooklyn who played in New York. Will forever remind you that he is an Italian from Brooklyn who played in New York

OF Anthony Richard Conigliaro

Why He Made the Team: The man got hit in the face and came back to play the game. Not even a mobster's wife could take a hit like that.

DH Stephen Charles "Steve" Balboni

Why He Made the Team: What does Steve Balboni tell a lady with two black eyes? Nothing, he already told her twice.

SP John Joseph Montefusco Jr.


Why He Made the Team: He's from New Jersey, and his nickname "The Count" is a play on a book based in an Italian island in the Tuscan Archipelago. Good enough.

RP John Anthony Franco

Why He Made the Team: No real discernible skills other than being an Italian from Brooklyn who played in New York. Will forever remind you that he is an Italian from Brooklyn who played in New York

Bench Salvatore Frank Fasano

Why He Made the Team: With his "everyman" persona, Fasano, for a short time, gave hope to every South Philly ginker that they too could play for their beloved Phillies. He's the Vince Papale of baseball.

2 comments:

Tracer Bullet said...

Considering that Columbus was a genocidal pirate who got lost, I'm not sure why he's an Italian-American hero. Sure, the little Vitos and Paulies shaking down corner stores all over America need role models, but there must be somebody better than this guy. LaGaurdia? Sinatra? Boyardee?

MMayes said...

Columbus Day is October 12. I hate the Monday holidays.