Finn's UFC 111 Post-Mortem

Well, UFC 111 has come and gone and, for the most part, that Saturday night played out mostly according to plan. Was I surprised by any of the outcomes? If you are talking about the outcomes of UFC 111, then my answer would be a resounding “no”. If you are talking about the outcome of the post-fight bender that my friends and I participated in, then my answer would have to be a slurred “Tha’ stripper iss a liar!” Word to the wise: when a bartender --particularly one who is known for pouring Jack and Cokes that are as clear as ginger-ale and could fuel a rocket—asks you if you “want a ‘Lindsay Lohan Shot” you should reply with “*shows bartender middle-finger*” and run away. For the uninitiated ‘Lindsay Lohan’ is a red-headed slut with a splash of Coke (*zing*) and a hangover cure it is not. Needless to say, mistakes were made –the kind that start out funny and spiral out of control like your Uncle at an open bar. But enough about your predisposition to alcoholism, rummy: back to the post-fight dissection.

Let’s start with the undercard. This is the part of the show that is generally fraught with lightning-fast knockouts, sloppy fighting, guys gassing 40 seconds into a fight and more blood splashing around the octagon than a Tarantino movie. These fights did not disappoint: by the time the final 3 fights took center stage the octagon looked like someone had slaughtered a pig in there and my buddy McDowell was convinced that he had enough cardio to compete on the undercard, despite his lack of training, stamina or the willingness to get hit in the face…. Ever.

McDowell: “Look at that guy! He can hardly stand up –he’s wheezing like Tank Abbott after a marathon.”

Me: “After a marathon Tank could still kick your face into next week while raping a panda. Hey, isn’t your nickname ‘sexual-harrassment panda’? What a coincidence…”

McD: “…..”

Me: *pointing to crotch* “Well, I’ve gotta go and rescue Jessica Biel from some Ninjas in my Lamborghini time-machine. Hold my drink while I kiss your girlfriend goodbye!!”

…And so forth. The point is: don’t get in imaginary arguments with me in my head; you will always lose and I am a racecar driver from the future.

Undercard Fight of the Night: Jared Hamman def. Rodney Wallace via unanimous decision

This fight was the quintessential undercard fight: two guys who obviously work 42 day jobs apiece and have the cardio of pack-a-day-smoking octogenarians. Jared “Safeway Bagger” Hamman outlasted Rodney “The Walking Definition of a Bench-Press Junkie” Wallace for the unanimous decision. After a brief 30-second flurry of awesomely telegraphed punches Wallace turned purple from lack of oxygen and spent the better part of three rounds on his back getting punched in the face, ribs and ear. Lucky for him Jared Hamman packs the punching power of a rusty AAA battery and was unable to mount enough offense to earn a stoppage.

“First (and last) Fight in the UFC” fight of the night: Rousimar Palhares def. Tomasz Drwal via submission (heel hook)

Not much to say here other than Palhares, in his first UFC fight, latched in a heel-hook on Drwal who quickly began tapping, screaming and tapping a bunch more. This apparently wasn’t enough of a clue for Palhares to let up, nor was the ref yanking on his arm and eventually wrapping his arms around him and peeling him off Drwal’s now dislocated knee. Nice job, Palhares! For his efforts Palhares was banned from fighting in New Jersey for 90 days and will, in all likelihood, never fight in the UFC again. Enjoy fighting for food with broken glass-wrapped hands in the back alleys of Sao Paolo, buddy!

Main Card

As for the main card of fights, there is not much to tell. John Fitch fought an outclassed Ben Saunders, a late replacement for Thiago Alves who was scratched due to an irregular cat-scan and bad tattoos, and defeated him in typical fashion. This means a technical, boring-ass fight where Fitch took Saunders down at will, laid on him and threw a bunch of ineffective punches while looking for a submission that never materialized… for three rounds. It was scintillating. I was so enthralled that I only left the couch 14 different times to go and watch the bug-zapper outside.

Mir vs. Carwin took it up a notch, though. This fight answered a lot of questions about Mir, namely “can he compete with the new breed of Heavyweight; the guys who have to cut weight to make the 265lbs limit?” The answer to that question was answered by Carwin manhandling Mir, and tossing him around the ring like a rag-doll. Even with the 25lbs that he added, Mir was unable to muster any resistance at all other than scrambling, getting punched in the face, and then scrambling some more. The fight ended much in the same way that his fight against Lesnar did: with one of his arms trapped against his side and punches from toaster-sized fists crashing into his skull. Carwin cemented himself as a legitimate title-contender and Mir was left to wonder what his next step will be. He is still young but he is too big to be a light-heavyweight and he has proven to be much too small to compete with the likes of Carwin and Lesnar. I would not be surprised if he starts making the transition to full-time commentator duties; lord knows we could all use a break from Goldberg’s incessant ramblings and Oompa-Loompa skin.

That brings us to GSP vs. Hardy. GSP put on a takedown clinic throughout the 5 round affair, form-tackling Hardy whenever the fight threatened to actually turn into… a fight. Hardy did his best to keep the fight standing up, but when you’re fighting a guy who walks around at a ripped-up 190lbs and you are a pasty doughy 175 things are not going to go your way. You’ve heard of the term ‘textbook knowledge of…’ right? It describes someone having a encyclopedic knowledge about a certain subject or skill. Well hardy is the antithesis of the phrase ‘textbook knowledge of takedown defense’. He seemed unprepared to the point of hilarity when it came to stuffing GSP’s takedowns and eventually tired from the mere act of standing back up so many times after being tackled into next week.

And those were just the takedowns. While he was actually on the ground Hardy proved that his one ability –the lone bright-spot for him in this fight—is to withstand extreme amounts of pain. He was put in a total of three locked-in arm submissions –one armbar and two Kimuras—that put his right arm in positions that would make a Yoga instructor vomit. After 5 rounds St. Pierre looked like he had been out for a light jog, while Hardy sported a slightly bruised face, a useless right arm and ribs that looked like they had been attacked with a meat-tenderizer. Despite this, the crowd had swung decidedly in his favor throughout the course of the fight. Maybe it was because he refused to give up, or maybe it was because he was the one trying to have a standup fight while GSP was resigned to putting on a wrestling clinic, and a fairly boring one at that. Either way two things were proved on Saturday. One is that no one can challenge GSP at this weight class right now; he has become dominant to the point of boredom. The other is that Hardy has the ground game of a broken-winged pigeon and the combination of the two does not make for a good fight.

That is all. Back to my afternoon of pillow-fighting sorority girls in the back of my Lear Jet.

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Finn's Preview & Predictions: UFC 111 Fight Breakdown

After basking in the glow of my mostly semi-correct fight predictions from this last weekend’s UFC matches I decided it was time to zip up my footie-pajamas and write a truly hard-hitting preview article for next weekend’s UFC 111. Five hours and innumerable fits and starts later I finally found a winning combination: actually watching a few of each fighter’s previous fights and developing a prediction based around their skill-set and a little bit of intuition. Now let’s see if research can trump the random guesswork and coin-flipping that I based my picks on last week. And yes, research in adult-sized footie-pajamas –while a little unorthodox—is still research. I looked it up, using science and graphs and everything.


Georges St. Pierre vs. Dan Hardy

This should be a great fight, but one who’s outcome I don’t have any doubt about. Having said that, get ready for pre-fight prediction cop-out #1. Are you ready? Here it is: Dan Hardy has a ‘puncher’s chance’ in fighting Georges St. Pierre, but I expect GSP to dominate this match.

Do you see what I did there? I made a fight prediction stating one thing but prefaced it with a condition that covers me should the fight go the other direction. Genius! While aligning myself with a St. Pierre victory I have nevertheless left a small amount of wiggle room with the first half of that sentence; now, if Hardy manages to land a lucky punch or just simply out boxes St. Pierre I can point to that sentence and claim that I predicted the outcome. Granted, if Hardy beats St. Pierre on the ground or murders him with a robot-army and a tazer, then I am truly S.O.L. Still, George St. Pierre is head-and-shoulders above Dan Hardy in nearly every facet of MMA and should have no problem putting him away and avoiding the same type of fluke KO that caused him to lose his belt to Matt Serra two years ago.

GSP via TKO in the 3rd round.


Frank Mir vs. Shane Carwin

Now here’s what we like to see: two 260lbs. guys with hands the size of car-batteries punching each other in the face. While both Carwin and Mir each possess amazing ground skills –Mir has a stellar all-around ground game based on BJJ and wrestling, while Carwin’s strength is based almost entirely on his wrestling prowess and physical resemblance to a shaved Grizzly bear—these skills should serve to cancel each other out and leave each fighter winging punches at each other in the middle of the ring.

Mir has shown a substantial improvement in his stand-up as of late. He knocked out the previously un-knockouttable (I don’t care what you say spell-check, it’s a word) Antonio ‘Minotauro’ Noguiera before his brutal loss to Brock Lesnar, and then bounced back by dismantling Cheik Kongo in less time than it takes most people to tie their shoes. It was quick victory for Mir that was predicated on a vicious uppercut that knocked Kongo flat on his ass and left him open for the Guillotine-choke that ended the fight. For years Mir’s ability to win was entirely based upon taking his opponent to the mat and tying different parts of their body in to knots until they were forced to tap-out. Now that he has stand-up to go with his ground game he has evolved into a truly formidable fighter.

Being able to place himself back atop the Heavyweight division will be based on the next step in his evolution: whether or not he can bulk up and compete with the true 260lbs giants of the sport, Carwin and Lesnar. Ever since his devastating loss to Lesnar, Mir has been on a mission to never be put at such a strength disadvantage again. He has worked on his strength, adding 25lbs. to his already sizeable frame. Whether Mir can adapt to carrying this extra weight is a big question mark going into this fight. Thankfully for Mir, I don’t think that Carwin is going to be the guy to put his conditioning to the ultimate test. Shane Carwin is undefeated in the octagon, winning his first 11 fights in a grand total time of 12 minutes and 22 seconds. That comes out to just under 1:08 per fight! That’s barely enough time for the color-commentator, Mike Goldberg, to say something completely asinine (as he is contractually obligated to do) and for Joe Rogan to take a deep breath, sigh, and call him an idiot.

Mir via TKO in the 1st round; Rogan via Goldberg ineptitude more times than your DVR has room for.


Jon Fitch vs. Thiago Alves

This fight is interesting in the fact that Fitch and Alves have met once already, albeit much earlier in their careers. Their 2006 meeting was dominated by Fitch’s ground game and ability to take Thiago down almost at will and was ended via TKO after a vicious upkick that sent Alves sprawling and unable to answer the punches that Fitch then rained down on him. Since that night both men have only one loss each on their respective resumes: unanimous decision losses to the same man, Georges St. Pierre. But while Fitch dropped a fight in which he was simply all-around outclassed by GSP’s athleticism and ability to stuff any and all takedowns, Alves lost much the same way that he did to Fitch: he was taken down a total of 10 times in the fight and proved completely ineffectual in his ability to sprawl or fight off of his back. While both men are quite a bit more seasoned than they were almost four years ago when they first met, the aspects of their respective games that will dictate the outcome of this fight have not changed much at all. Fitch is still a much bigger and more powerful fighter with vicious takedowns and Alves is still a stand-up Muy Thai fighter that only has enough BJJ to not completely embarrass himself once he inevitably gets put on his back.

Fitch via General ground-and-poundery in the 3rd

What time is it? 3pm? Must be time to put on some clothes and play some video games; I’ve earned it.

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UFC 100 Preview

Special to HHR from Brook "Heavy Hands" Taylor

If you spent any time in the last week on-line or watching cable television you’ve seen a UFC 100 ad. Or, if you happen to be the purveyor of Sports by Brooks, you did everything in your power to bring down the Pay-Per-View juggernaut, all the while haranguing a Comcast representative to make sure the fights were sure to be broadcast at the residence of one Sour B. Puss because this is the PPV event to end all. As a long time UFC fan, I spent my week watching past fights, debating the importance of skill versus strength and reveling in the notion that a sport that was all but dead 8 years ago has become the most exciting regularly occurring spectacle since MJ left us last week. As UFC 100 approaches, fight fans around the world pontificate on the past, present and future, all the while knowing that the historic card represents significant implications for the hear and now.

Dan Henderson vs. Michael Bisping

Henderson vs. Bisping carries the weight of the most recent Ultimate Fighter reality show and the familiar battle of the U.S. vs. the U.K. Aside from that, the intrigue wears thin. Hendo is a former PRIDE champion and all around American badass with nothing to prove. The UK golden boy, Bisping, comes in riding a 3-fight win streak against questionable middleweight competition. If the Brit can shock the world, he becomes the next lamb sent to the slaughter against middleweight champion Anderson Silva. If Hendo does what most knows he can and out battles the cocky cockney, he simply disappoints the masses of soccer hooligans that have celebrated Bisping’s arrival since he was declared the face of UK MMA. (If you’ve seen the weathered mugs on the UK MMA circuit, then you know it could have been worse.) Look for Henderson to drop his chin and batter the Brit for three rounds, making a statement that American wrestlers that can brawl are still the toughest SOB’s around. Hendo via Unanimous Decision.

Welterweight Champion Georges St. Pierre vs. Thiago Alves

With all the hype and hysteria focused on the heavyweight match-up, many have overlooked the fact that Georges St. Pierre is facing his 15th top-10 welterweight challenger in 20 career fights. No champion has fought the same level of consistent competition and won. Thiago “The Pitbull” Alves is unquestionably the #1 contender having dismantled Karo Parysian, Matt Hughes and Josh Koscheck en route to earning the title shot. The Pitbull is a massive specimen with a stand up game that rivals fighters at light heavyweight and gave the best wrestlers, judokas and strikers in the division serious fits. GSP always enters the octagon with a customized gameplan and expect Saturday to be no different. Alves’ advantages, his size and power, will work in GSP’s favor as he will nullify them both with at least an entire first round of wrestling dominance. In the second round, Alves will be expecting more of the same, but GSP will look to use his range and out strike the younger challenger just long enough to find his take down and put Alves on his back. Once they are on the ground, GSP will look to punish the Brailian while looking for him to make a mistake and capitalize with a slick submission. Georges St. Pierre via 2nd round submission.

Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir

Finally, WWE phenom Brock Lesnar will enter the cage for the his 5th career fight as a significant favorite against Frank Mir, the former UFC champ. Mir showed markedly improved stand up in his last fight, TKO’ing the seemingly invincible legend Antonio Minataruo Nogueira. Since their first fight in early 2008 in which Mir was able to catch Brock in a slow developing knee bar, Mir has been trying to convince anyone who will listen that he is the more well-rounded and more dynamic fighter. However, the odds makers aren’t buying it and have declared that Lesnar will be too much to handle come Saturday night. Lesnar has had two fights to Mir’s one since their last encounter and in that time, Lesnar spent 3 round dismantling the very experienced Heath Herring (a physical doppelganger to Mir) and also bludgeoned the legend Randy Couture during a 2 round drubbing. The Herring fight showed us that Lesnar can easily handle similarly imposing size and the Couture fight showed us that he can best strategy with raw power. Put those two fights together along with Lesnar’s unrelenting work ethic, and you have a seriously overmatched Mir. Expect Lesnar to come out with a similar game plan to the first fight. Having taken a few good shots during the Couture fight, Lesnar will be confident enough in his stand up to trade with Mir until he can land that huge 4 XL fist right and drop Mir to the mat. If Mir is dazed enough for Lesnar’s liking, he’ll drop down into a dominant ground position and stay there until the former champ is finished. Lesnar via 1st round TKO.

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