Billy Packer Hired Psychic to Find OJ's Murder Weapons; Knows Not of this Wikipedia You Speak of

"Your strange corporate-speak confuses and frightens me."

Billy Packer is confused by Wikipedia and computers, but fancies himself a super-sleuth.

Best Damn Sports Show Period Podcast's Jason Cahill passed along this golden Packer audio, that we illustrated for your viewing pleasure.

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Marvin Harrison, Jive Turkey

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A Cowboy Nation Rolls out the "Thug Awards"

Our friends over at A Cowboy Nation asked us to help nominate some very deserving NFLers for their series of "Thug Awards" that they will be rolling out throughout the remaining duration of the playoffs.

Today we start with the "Plaxico Award...given to the one person most deserving of being shot."

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And the Bottle Accidentally Explodes in Your Pocket

Reader "As Tough" from North Carolina was amazed that Big Apple football propaganda is available south of the Mason-Dixon line, but more surprised at the accuracy displayed:

"Pepsi bottle. Life like pics. Can almost make out his gunshot wound."

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Simpson Loses Voting Rights

Nevada- Traditionally, felons lose their right to vote in elections for public office. However, OJ Simpson lost a much more valuable vote today.

According to sources within prison, Mr. Simpson has been using his Heisman vote in prison as a new form of currency bypassing the traditional methods such as cigarettes, playing cards and intimate favors. OJ had promised a fellow inmate his ballot for this year's Heisman, which he was awarded for winning in 1968, in exchange for friendship.

"Yeah, he gave it up to me," said Fred "Switchblade" Reeves. "We had an agreement, but now he might need to use those fancy feet to dodge some accidents."

The AP reports that the Goldman family has won an injunction to seize the ballot because of its possible financial value. According to court files, the Goldman's site the potential of fruit baskets from Heisman candidates, coaches and schools.

The Goldman's were not available to comment before press time. A representative for the family said that they were pleased justice was done and they looked forward to reviewing Mr. Simpson's future currency proposals.

Plax Goes "Soccer Mom Status" To Avoid Paparazzi

Courtesy of the Daily News is one of the great photos in recent memory. Days after his gun snafu and subsequent suspension for the rest of the season Plaxico Burress is seen leaving his house in this large conversion van. I'm assuming this baby has a VCR and 10 inch video monitor. Not to mention captain chairs and room for 8. Who's getting the kids from soccer practice today? Plax is.

SHOCKING NEW REVELATION IN BURRESS GUN CASE

Gerry Dorsey of World Weekly News is reporting that "Burress Blames Leprechaun for Injury."

After taking counsel with his lawyer, Burress finally surrendered to the police on Monday, with an explanation they were not expecting: Burress was aiming at a leprechaun who had been getting fresh with his wife!

Weekly World News tracked the leprachaun down for his side of the story. Seamus O’Shaughnessy said to reporters “I dinnea lay a hand on the lass tha’ she dinnea want! She made the first move sure as I’m standin’ here! He asked for an apology, an’ sure enough he got it! Not my fault if the daftie tripped over his sweatpants an nearly blew off his John Thomas.”

Photo: World Weekly News

Plax in Print

Oh what a field day the New York media is having with poor Burress...

Skins honor their thug, Giants move on without theirs

Almost a year ago today I wrote: "As the sports world spends the day mourning the passing of Sean Taylor, my family and I spent the holiday weekend mourning the passing of a close relative, a WWII veteran and great man in our lives. While our idolization of sports stars and celebrities helps us to escape from the reality of our lives, in honesty, it is just that - a fantasy."

This morning, Outside the Lines, in the wake of the latest Plax Burress fiasco, featured its look on "Athletes and Guns."

Ironically, among the incidents mentioned in the ESPN piece was the 2005 Sean Taylor gun charges.

Hours later the Washington Redskins, as so many in the nation's capital are fond of doing, re-wrote history. More specifically, they propagated that aformentioned fantasy, as they inducted the gun-waving, sobriety test-failing, Michael Pittman-spitting Meast into their Ring of Honor, which "which honors those who have made distinguished contributions to the team."

Sure, it's a shame that a man who rarely flaunted his wealth, had few enemies and hung with a pristine crowd was the target of a totally "random" robbery.

But does untimely death negate every bad deed, every low-class action and socially harmful behavior a person commits enough to create the bullshit assertion that this person deserves to be honored in the most reverant way the team has?

What does that say about the organization and the fans that support it?

Mourn Taylor, don't honor his deeds.