A Cowboy Story

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. An you know what that means. TNT will soon begin force-feeding us non-stop the worst, yet somehow most popular, holiday movie ever, A Christmas Story.

There's no escaping it.

Similarly, there is no escaping the questions already being asked by football pundits across the land - can Tony Romo and the Cowboys win in December? Will they finally win a playoff game. Will Terrell Owens destroy their very existence?

So, without further ado, we take a look at America's Team through the lens of America's worst Christmas movie.

Ralph "Ralphie" Parker: Ralphie is the movie's whiny star with a one track mind, and blatant disregard in taking anyone around him's advice. Tony Romo has a one track mind to be America's sweetheart, and ultimately gets what he wants, yet stillalways manages to shoot himself in the eye.


Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle: Ralphie's one true desire, akin to a Romo playoff win.


Randy Parker: Ralphie's younger brother and tag-along. They probably sit in their room and design schemes to embarrass poor Scut Farkus.


Scut Farkus: The bully.


Grover Dill: The bully's sidekick.


The Rabbit Suit Nobody Wants to Wear: Pacman Jones


The Aunt who gave Ralphie the Suit: Roger Goodell for continually reinstating Jones.

Schwartz: Scape goat. It can't be the players or the ownership. Blame the coach.


Flick: Succumbing to peer pressure. The Cowboys play in the division with the most media exposure and among the most competitive teams on the field. Each jockey and beat one another up, usually split season series, and have legitimate shots to make the wild card. And while the Cowboys generally have the most talent, they haven't seen the success that the Giants and Eagles have over the last decade.


Old Man Parker: The disciplinarian father. Tries to be a voice of reason, but just comes off as a self-serving moron.


Mrs. Parker: Enabling mother. Troy Aikman, Moose Johnston, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin. They are all just blind, drugged and/or don't care that their family is a muckin fess.


Little Orphan Annie Secret Society: Propaganda front. Has everything to do with commercialization.


Miss Shields: Ralphie's teacher who assigned an essay Ralphie figured would be TOO perfect to deny him the rifle. And the teacher shot him right from the start.


Store Santa: Just flat out denies Ralphie his rifle. Kind of like slippery footballs.


Leg Lamp: Really nothing more than tacky eye candy.

HHR EXCLUSIVE! Collusion Photo of Witten/Romo Designing Anti-TO Plays Unearthed

Terrell Owens has always been a man to take at his word and has never failed to put his team(s) above self. Tony Romo and Jason Witten, on the other hand, in their short time as teammates have proven themselves time and time again nothing short of self-serving publicity hounds and stat-padders. While many rushed to critcize the humble wide receiver's accusations that Romo and Witten have been secretly designing plays that exclude TO, HHR chose to dig a little deeper before jumping to conclusions. As such, we were able to uncover this photographic evidence of the QB and TE concocting the very plays Owens spoke of.

Judge for yourself.

Mrs. Tony Parker Advising Jess Simpson

This would be some much more relevant and interesting where this an actual relationship and not a sham. But since everyone from Terrell Owens to Terry Bradshaw has advice for the Texas Twosome, so why not Eva Longoria?

"When I first started dating Tony (Parker), I got the same flack, and this was so many years ago that people don't remember," Longoria told PEOPLE on Saturday. "If he had a bad game, it was my fault, if he got injured, it was my fault, if he had a good game, it wasn't because of me."

Longoria's advice to her fellow Texan: "You have to weather that for a while, and once people get over it, they kind of get used to you."

If you ask me, no one really cares about San Antonio or the NBA. So it's not that they get used to you, they just don't care. Plus, he's French.

All-American Cowboys quarterback, though?

Ah whatever. It's a moot point. The relationship will be over as soon as her forthcoming country album flops, at which time she'll probably claim they were never dating anyway, and Cowboy Tony can be swept off his feet by J-Witt.

Tight Ends

Craig Carton this morning on WFAN NY made a claim he figured would rile up Giant fans, saying the G-Men essentially had no chance in hell to beat the Cowboys in Dallas this weekend, begging callers to give him one tangible reason why he may be wrong. After 2 hours of no response, a caller noted Romo's inability to make a decision of late, saying Cowboy Tony was told to head to Cabo on his bye week to relax and to bring his favorite tight end. Romo brought Witten AND Simpson.

MAS TEQUILA!

Underwood: Simpson/Romo a Joke

Ariel, with her trusty subscription to US Magazine, is able to keep in line with the "Romo Rumor" mill.

Jason Witten and Joe Simpson may go ga-ga over Cowboy Tony, but apparently Romo ex Carrie Underwood is happy to be free of the proverbial albatross that is the star-struck Dallas QB.

Says the mag: "She [Underwood] thanks her lucky stars she isn't with Tony anymore!" Adding, "She thinks it's a joke he's with Jessica Simpson and sees him as a player. Carrie and Chace call him 'the player' and Jessica 'the ditz.'"

So do we, Carrie. So do we.

Jason Hearts Tony

Pop Culture Grid Fun

Jason Witten has a one-track mind...All Tony Romo, all the time.

Witten's New Year's Resolution: "To Win the Super Bowl" (With Tony Romo)

Celeb that Should Take it East in 2008: "Jessica Simpson" (With Tony Romo)

Gossip Story of the Year: "Anything Tony Romo" (With Tony Romo)


It seems Jason's Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Cowboys, lest they spend their working lives with man-crushes on one another.