Yankees: We'd love to have the Yanks represented by superfan Andrew Giuliani, but Wade Boggs threatened to kick our fat lips in if we didn't choose him.
Red Sox: We wanted to say, Nelson de la Rosa, but Wade Boggs threatened to kick our fat lips in if we didn't choose him.
Blue Jays: ARod's stripper...just beat out Rance Mulliniks
Devil Rays: There is an MLB team in Tampa? Well, if we must pick, we'd pick lazy Bobby Abreau, but Wade Boggs threatened to kick our fat lips in if we didn't choose him.
Orioles: Billy F-Face Ripken
White Sox: Ozzie Guillen: He's so popular in Chi-Town, that a gay bar named a drink after him, the "Effen Ozzie GuillenTini."
Indians: Rick Vaughn: He of the California Penal League fame.
Tigers: Moneyballer & Jersey Boy Chris Pittaro: Said Sparky Anderson. “Chris Pittaro is the best young player I’ve had in 15 years.” Damn you, Lou Whitaker. Damn you.
Royals: Willie Wilson, of 1980 WS fame.
Twins: Billy Heywood.
Mariners: Jim Bouton: OK, well he was a Pilot, but who's counting, so tell your statistics to shut up.
Angels: Tony Danza: Aye, Oh, Oh, Aye! There's Angelers in the Outfield, Samanta! Go tell Jonatin.
A's: Jose Canseco: He keeps it real.
Rangers: Dubya: Don't mess with Texas.