Thursday, December 6, 2007

Fat Tony's Heisman Analysis Archive

With the always much-anticipated Heisman trophy presentation upon us this weekend, HHR turns to our own resident Mel Kiper (and old school Eye-talian), Fat Willard's father Fat Tony, who every year at Heisman-time finds a way to disagree with the voters. Below are Fat Tony's commentaries since 1990, putting down the bad selections.

1990 Ty Detmer, BYU, Quarterback

“Doesn’t he have to go on a mission to Kenya or something?”

1991 Desmond Howard, Michigan, Wide Receiver

“This guy is a glorified Mel Gray and they are giving him the Heisman? Vaughn Dunbar [No relation to CR] was robbed. Good Luck.”

1992 Gino Torretta, Miami, Quarterback

“Geno Torretta will never be a successful NFL QB. He is wearing white socks with a suit.”

1993 Charlie Ward, Florida State, Quarterback

“What is he 5’6”? He’s got a better shot being an NBA point guard.”

1994 Rashaan Salaam, Colorado, Running Back

“You're supposed to get straight A's in college, not your name you know.”

1995 Eddie George, Ohio State, Running Back

"Two first names? What's he gonna be called, Eddie? George? More like nobody."

1996 Danny Wuerffel, Florida, Quarterback

“He’s a system guy. Unless Spurrier one day decides to coach in the NFL and brings him with him, he’s out of the league in 5 years tops and that’s only because teams need practice squad players.”

"One day, son, we'll fun-and-gun our way to the Nation's Capitol."

1997 Charles Woodson, Michigan, Cornerback

“This guy’s a glorified Desmond Howard and they are giving him the Heisman? Archie’s kid got robbed. Good Luck.”

1998 Ricky Williams, Texas, Running Back

“This kid’s got his head on straight.”

1999 Ron Dayne, Wisconsin, Running Back

“Whatsamatter? Too good for Rutgers?”

2000 Chris Weinke, Florida State, Quarterback

“Weinke? In my day we beat up kids with fruity, sissy names like that.”

2001 Eric Crouch Nebraska Quarterback

“Whatever happened to Timmy Frazier. This one will end up incarcerated too.”

2002 Carson Palmer, USC, Quarterback

“USC is a running back town.”

2003 Jason White, Oklahoma, Quarterback

“Is that the AIDS kid from the 80’s? That’s some story.”

2004 Matt Leinart, USC, Quarterback

Isn't this the pretty boy that parties with Hilton and those Laguana Island broads?"

Fat Willard: "How do you know that?"

(awkward silence)

"We're through. I only date starters."

2005 Reggie Bush, USC, Running Back


"Cardboard Box"

2006 Troy Smith, Ohio State, Quarterback

“I guess they have to give it to someone.”

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