Sunday, January 20, 2008

AFC Championship Live Blog

This weekend has been long already. I can't tell if I'm purely hungover or just emotionally destroyed after realizing that at 2AM last night I was screaming the lyrics to 'Since U Been Gone' along with the cover band (and the rest of the bar). At the time it seemed meaningful and appropriate. Now, it just seems like a really crappy song. Behold the power of beer.

Pregame: Shannon Sharpe is talking and I throw the remote at the TV. Remote breaks, so I drive to get a new one at Radio Shack. Come home, remote doesn't work without batteries - and go to CVS for batteries. Back again, pregame rambling is over. I think I might do this every game to be honest.

Our announcers are Jim Nantz (JN) and Pheeel Seeeemms (PS). Cue the overly dramatic music!


First Quarter, First Half
14:14 - Philip Rivers has a 'tender' right knee. This marks the first time he has ever been described as being 'tender' in any way. Throws a low, tender pass for an incompletion. 3 and out. Nice

13:21 - 5 yards for hitting the punter is always worth it. Replay shows the punter doing his best soccer flop. The punter is the only player on the field that is always surprised to be hit. Effing punters.

13:08 - Brady overthrows the other Brady by a mile. And.... that's the Antionio Gates show everyone! G'night!

12:11 - LT on the bench now too. Was the first series a fake of some kind? Now Gates is back. Norv is playing mind games. Rivers has a big case of Manning Feet. That tender knee being right out there in the open might have something to do with that.

10:26 - Pats DB Samuel just outjumped a 6'5" receiver. Suck it. Gates had an 'equipment issue' which required a trip inside. This dude's toe is the most amazing toe ever. Why not just saw the sucker off? It would be less trouble. And punt.

8:19 - Double super mega pass interference on the Chargers.

6:45 - Michael Turner just steamrolled through that Pats, who as of late have had trouble with open field tackling.

5:38 - Junior Seau just ate Rivers. Consumed him.

5:07 - Brady picked off. Wait, Brady? Tom Brady? What the hell? I don't think that's allowed. Add the token Wilfork foul for good measure. San Diego is actually in the red zone. Just give them the TD and let's move on please.

3:05 - Rivers incomplete to Neal who has a striking resemblance to Man-At-Arms.
Can you even tell which is which? Me Neither.

3:00 - Chargers Figgie is (barely) good.

2:42 - Brady clearly thinks all of his receivers are 14' tall. The dude is just overthrowing everyone.

0:24 - Moss improvises in a collapsed reverse and Faulk breaks into the open. Brady getting rid of the ball faster. As Chris Farley used to say, "Me Liiiiikey." But then he died. True Story.

Second Quarter, First Half

13:48 - NE TD that was Tiananmen-like. Maroney slams it in and begins messing with the heads of everyone who drafted him on their fantasy team and future 2008 owners.

11:00 - Rivers hopping around a lot but it doesn't matter if no one is near him. But you can almost feel an injury coming, can't you? Perhaps someone should cover Vincent Jackson, yes?

10:30 - Phil Sims tell us that Norv said Rivers is about as tough a person as he's been around. Norv fails to see this is a backhanded compliment.

10:00 - Bruschi saves a TD. Again, Rivers had decades to throw. God I hate Philip Rivers.

7:19 - I nodded off during commercial and was woken by my own stench. I'm told Kelly Washington makes a great play, because I can't see anymore. Good God, I don't remember eating roadkill, but the events of last night are foggy. I'm not discounting the possibility.

4:36 - Thank you Asante Samuel. Jabar Gaffney especially thanks you. Pats turn the INT into a TD. Philip Rivers saying 'Goddamnit' in slow motion is 20 kinds of awesome.

2:24 - Rivers just hucks the thing up there. After the INT, the Norv face makes its debut. Brady tries to crush Rivers emotionally throwing his version of Rivers' underthrown ball. Almost intercepted himself.


...And that's the half. Nothing really happened in those precious 2 minutes. Jim and Phil haven't said anything totally off the wall yet, so I'm hoping they make some adjustments during the break.

Third Quarter, Second Half

13:10 - Brady is 'decked' according to Nantz, who had the kind of passion in his voice that one gets when describing bread.

12:32 - Phil Sims would like to remind us again that the Chargers said they were going to get turnovers. I would like to remind Phil Simms that I would hunt him for sport.

Time out. And I'm pretty sure the crooked politician from the Wire is in a Southwest Commercial. You can shave your 'stache buddy, but I still know its you!

5:54 - I accidentally watched the game for awhile, and forgot what I was doing. Back to business. Moss finally catches something and Phil Simms is clearly aroused. Maroney makes another great run.

2:56 - Antonio Cromartie is officially a Pats receiver. He's been the best at catching Brady's passes today.

Fourth Quarter, Second Half

13:49 - Finally, the people who own Maroney jerseys don't regret it. He is a bruiser today, peeling off yards on almost every carry. He just lowered his shoulder into a DB and lifted him off the ground. Belichick may just decide to run him until he dies. Seriously.

12:15 - Brady to Welker TD. Another former Charger sticking it to his old team.

9:31 - Bet you anything Philip Rivers plays soccer. Nice flop dbag.

5:49 - San Diego burns a TO to stop the carnage. Their defense needs a chance to ideate, I think.

3:50 - LT looks like the pouting child of Darth Vader on the sideline. And apparently he cries at the mention of a Super Bowl, according to Phil Simms. Meanwhile, Maroney and the offensive line are just mauling the Chargers D.

1:00 - Kneeldowns! Although I think you could make the argument that the Chargers have been on their knees the whole game.

Pats go to the Superbowl! 'Hat and T Shirt games' are the best.



Fat Willard said...

I hated my Man at Arms figure. His vest broke ofter a week and it would fall off mid-battle. Like he was flashing Skeletor. He-Man's exhibitionist friend.

Woody said...

RED ALERT - Rumor has it Ashlee Simpson is near Gilette Stadium!! STOP HER before she can get her claws into Brady, Bruschi or any other key Pats player. We don't need to suffer like Dallas fans did!

John said...

A post every three minutes or so isn't exactly "live"; "comatose" might be more like it.

the chief said...

john is totally right. i'm dragging a lot more than i thought i'd be when i decided to do it. touche, john.

Fat Willard said...

Did you just refer to one of our readers as a touche? Show some class...