Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Biggest Dicks in Sports

Some names just seem to fit some people. Some don’t quite work as well.

Eldrick Woods is the greatest golfer, and maybe athlete, of all time. Leonard Esiason is one of the best left-handed quarterbacks to ever play in the NFL. How would Giants fans feel going into this weekends game with the Cowboys putting all of their hopes into a guy named Elisha.

God bless the nickname.

Eldrick, Leonard and Elisha aren’t great but of all the names a parent can bestow upon their newborn son, Dick is hands down the worst. Sure, they are usually a Richard, and could sometimes become a Rich, but at least once in their life they will be referred to as a Dick.

It’s a tough name to overcome and find success. Many have tried and failed. But a few have gone on to greatness.

Here are the stories of the men who persevered. Even with a first name that could also mean ‘penis.’

Hugging Harold Reynolds presents…..The Biggest Dicks in Sports.

Biggest Dick Referee:

Dick Bavetta

Career Highlight: Refereeing an NBA game during the mid-1970s with Earl Strom as his partner,Bavetta overruled Strom on a crucial last-second personal foul call against the Nets, which would have been a victory for the 76ers. When the game ended and players were walking to their respective locker rooms, the door to the referees' locker room flew open and Bavetta came staggering out. His uniform was allegedly ripped and was wearing a big welt over his eye, running to get away from Strom. Strom stepped out into the hallway and hollered after Bavetta, You'll take another one of my f***** calls again, right, you motherf******?"

Career Lowlight

Biggest Dick in Football:

Dick Butkis

Career Highlights: Probably the baddest mother-father to ever throw on a set of pads. Has an award named after him and he is still alive. Enough said.

Career Lowlights
: Any one of these is enough to make you forget his football glory. Went on to star in Gus, Cracking Up, Necessary Roughness, and Any Given Sunday, and as a regular character on TV shows such as Blue Thunder, My Two Dads, and Hang Time. He made two appearances on the TV shows Coach and MacGyver. In an oft-rerun episode of Murder She Wrote, Butkus appeared in a locker-room scene wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Also refereed the battle royal at WrestleMania 2.

Biggest Dick in Baseball:

Dick Allen

Career Highlights: An almost Hall of Fame career and these two sensational quotes:
"If a horse won't eat it, I don't want to play on it." – his quote on artificial turf.
"I can play anywhere; First, Third, Left field, anywhere but Philadelphia." – on his career in the City of Brotherly Love

Career Lowlights: After retirement, Allen’s life when in the crapper. His uninsured house and horse stables burned down in October 1979. He left his wife for a younger woman; his wife took him to court and she got everything he had left, even the rights to his baseball pension. Ouch.

Biggest Dick in Coaching:

Dick Vermeil

Career Highlight: Leading the Eagles to the Super Bowl and giving Vince Papali a shot, giving every Average Joe and nobody a dream of walking on and making an NFL team. (P.S.- We can't, but feel free to try, and send us the video)

Career Lowlight: Any interview or post-game that...ended...(sniff)... up...(snifff) like this.

Biggest Dick announcer-

Dick Stockton

Career Highlights: Married to Lesley Visser – before Kolber, Tafoya, Andrews, the Wolf and Pam Oliver, there was Lesley Visser. The first lady of sports broadcasting.

Career Lowlight: Got bumped from the Moose and Goose booth (for Droopy Albert) to working with Brian Baldinger and his ‘coat hanger on a palm’. To top that off, he hasn’t asked Baldy what the hell is up with the finger, or tried to snap it back straight.

Runner-up- Chip Carey

Biggest Dick in Basketball

Dick Vitale-

Career Highlight: played a mover on an episode of the Cosby Show

Career Lowlight: every single game he has ever announced.

Biggest Dick Behind the Scenes

Dick Ebersol

Career Highlight: President of NBC Sports. In 2004, named chairman of NBC Universal Sports & Olympics. Instrumental in bringing Sunday Night Football to NBC and keeping I-AA University of Notre Dame football on NBC for the next decade.

Career Lowlight: beside producing SNL during the lean years of 1981-1985, Ebersol presided over a period during the late 1990s on through the early 2000s where NBC progressively lost the rights to major professional sports like the National Football League, Major League Baseball, and the National Basketball Association. Oh, and that Notre Dame thing we mentioned.

Career Low(LOOOW)light: His name is actually Duncan. His nickname is Dick.

Biggest Dick President

(I know what you thought was coming. It isn’t. This is a sports site.)

Dick Cass-

Career Highlights: Among his highlights is being named Ravens team president and firing Brian Billick. He could build a Raven dynasty that lasts for decades and it still won’t overshadow his lowlight.

Life Lowlight: His name is Dick Cass.

Dick Cass.

Say it out loud.

Case closed.

Parents are cruel.

Voting is now open. Who is the Biggest Dick in sports?

1 comment:

Sean said...

sweet sassy molassy. I read the headline first and almost quickly scrolled past the post until I realized what it was really about