Monday, February 4, 2008

Calling out Celebrity Super Bowl picks.

Every football analyst in America weren’t the only people wrong about the Patriots winning the Super Bowl. Even celebs were clueless. Here are some of the celebs who picked the Pats to win and my follow-up response. I even threw in some Giants supporters for the fun of it. I am sweet like that.

PAUL NEWMAN, actor: As an Easterner, it's delicious having two great "local" teams. I wish it were the days before overtime. Then, I'd root for a tie.

Ah yes, the good old days of playing to a tie, prohibition, and Paul getting laid.

JACK NICKLAUS, golfer: Patriots, 31-20. I am a Dolphins fan and the Patriots are an AFC team. Also, their defense is underpinned by an Ohio State guy in Mike Vrabel, and, believe it or not, I occasionally root for Michigan people, as in Tom Brady. I think Eli Manning and the Giants' defense have done a fantastic job getting their team where they are, and while I wish them luck, I just feel the Patriots are a little too strong."

Good lord that made no sense. Old fart.

GEN. MIKE HAYDEN, Director of the CIA: Giants, 28-24. The spread favors the Pats, but careful intelligence work looks beyond the obvious. The Giants are hot now. Three playoff wins on the road (like the Steelers before Super Bowl XL). Regular season finale shows they match up well against the Pats. Besides, nobody's perfect!

Good choice sir! (Like I’d argue with the head of the CIA? You have no idea what’s on this computer’s hard drive.)

MARTINA MCBRIDE, country singer: Patriots, 31-27. Brady will throw for three touchdowns and they will have one rushing touchdown. Manning will throw for one touchdown and they will rush for two touchdowns. Coughlin will be pissed off most of the game at the officiating, and will probably lose one of his challenges. Bill Belichick won't throw any flags, as usual.

Who the hell are you, Nostradamus? Stick to music.

DON RICKLES, comedian: Patriots, 21-12. Brady is too good to be beaten.

No Jew or chink joke? You were wrong but at least make it funny.

PHYLLIS DILLER, comedienne: Patriots, 30-10. A rout. I love routs.

This is a typo, she said I love the gout. Crazy what old people enjoy.

LEBRON JAMES, NBA's leading scorer: Patriots, 34-14, because their offense is so powerful.

Oh just a Yankee band wagoner huh King?

DWYANE WADE, NBA player: Patriots, 27-17. New England because they are destined to win.

Ironically they have more of those wins than the Heat.

BILL O'REILLY, FOX TV host: Giants, 31-30. Destiny.

First and last time I will agree with O’Reilly. Had to see it in print.

MITT ROMNEY, presidential candidate: Patriots, 28-14. Three words: Brady, Maroney, Moss.

Actually, those are three proper names Mitt. Here are three words you’ll know from your presidential bid. No. freaking. chance.

ELISABETH SHUE, actress: Patriots, 31-20. History seems to be on their side.

And those two Giants Super Bowls? History only knows certain people? Here is a history…your career.

MAMIE VAN DOREN, legendary sex symbol: Patriots, 28-7. The New England Patriots are a cross between a symphony orchestra and a steam roller. Every player plays his part as they flatten their opponents.

Oh fun, let me play. You are a cross between my favorite Giants shirt and what they put my groceries in…worn out bag.

JERRY MATHERS, Beaver on "Leave It To Beaver": Patriots, 30-27. I would love to see the perfect season.

Really? The Beaver is a celebrity?

BOBBY THOMSON, former N.Y. Giants baseball player who in 1951 hit "Shot Heard 'Round the World": Patriots, 28-21. Deep down, I'd like to see Brady go all the way. Just one more game.

Fucking traitor. Go back to San Franciso.

RALPH BRANCA, former Brooklyn Dodger who threw the famous pitch to Thomson: Giants, 34-31. They can control the ball and their defense is good. End of 18 in a row.

Only good decision he has ever made.

CHUCK YEAGER, first man to break the sound barrier: Patriots, 28-17. Although Manning is a good passer, I don't think he has the strength or the maturity to take on the Patriots.

Let’s see if this breaks the sound barrier. WRRRONNNNGGGG!!!!!!

MICKEY ROONEY, actor: Patriots. Whoever is the favorite will win ... It's all a matter of percentages in every sport.

NOW GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!!!!

STEVEN VAN ZANDT, actor, "The Sopranos" and musician, The E Street Band: Well, it's a little bit of a quandary for me since I was born in Boston and grew up in New Jersey. I don't really follow sports anymore. I don't have the time. You gotta hope for the hometown team, don't ya? I mean, they shouldn't have been there, should they? I watched the last couple games and, you're like, how are they doing this? They shouldn't be winning! But Michael Strahan is a good friend of mine, so I'm very happy for him, and the team is just looking terrific. I mean, what can you say. I wouldn't bet against them right now, I'll tell you that. I predict right now the Giants will win outright. Let's win by 6, what do you say?

Are you asking me or telling Sylvio? Rat.

WAYNE NEWTON, singer: Patriots, 35-30. As a true patriot and devoted chairman of the Celebrity Circle of the USO, I have to side with New England.

Name dropping douche.

DANA DELANY, actress, "Desperate Housewives": Patriots! Because I'm a big fan of Bill Belichick. I have no clue (on the score). I don't even know what numbers mean in football. All I know is it's about inches.

Hehehe I don’t even know what numbers mean, so I’ll just smile and look hot. And yes, I know it’s all about inches with chicks like you.

ANDY WILLIAMS, singer: Patriots, 21-7. The difference will be Tom Brady who will continue to make his march towards being recognized as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.

Way to regurgitate everything you heard on TV Pops.

BARRY WILLIAMS, Greg Brady on "The Brady Bunch": Patriots, 42-27, because, well ... Tom Brady. CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT, Peter Brady on the "Brady Bunch." Patriots, 31-20. With a name like Brady how could they fail?! The Pats haven't lost yet, and I see no reason they'll stumble now.

SHIRLEY JONES, actress (Mrs. Partridge on "The Partridge Family"): Patriots, 34-20. Patriots, definitely. Three elements: Tom Brady, Tom Brady, Tom Brady, even though Brady is not my favorite television family name.

ADAM WEST, "Batman": Patriots by 7 to 10 points. If Brady keeps his foot out of the mousetrap, he'll be able to pick apart the Giants' secondary.


DAWN WELLS, Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island": Patriots, 28-17.

The Brady’s, a Partridge, and the cast of Gilligan’s Island? What the frick! Did they poll a has-been autograph convention?

HALEY JOEL OSMENT, actor, has picked the last eight Super Bowl winners: Patriots, 34-20. I will be cheering on the Giants, as I imagine a great number of people across the country will be. Unfortunately I am going to have to go with the undefeated team this year for my pick.

Wrong assclown. Go drunk drive.

DENNIS MILLER, comedian/radio talk show host: Patriots, 19-0 to go 19-0 cause it fits.

Know what else fits Den? My foot in your brown-eye.

RANDY JACKSON, "American Idol" judge: New England Patriots by a touchdown, trust me!

Can’t judge talent. Can’t pick football.

PAM SHRIVER, tennis broadcaster: Patriots, 24-13, but I'm hoping for 17-14 in overtime for the Giants. New England is like the (Roger) Federer of football, but Federer does not have a head coach who cheats. In fact Federer does not have a coach, but if he did I am sure he would dress better than New England's coach!!!

You can’t make two picks. And don’t ever….EVER compare football to tennis.

DR. PAT ROBERTSON, reverend: Giants, 20-14. I invariably favor the underdog, that's why I am pulling for the Giants to win. This is not a prediction -- just a preference.

This guy knows Jesus, he has an inside track.

DR. JAMES DOBSON, reverend: Patriots, 34-24. How can a thinking person pick against a team that is 18-0? I wish it weren't true but suspect the Giants are in for a drubbing.

This guy doesn’t know Jesus so well.

SEN. EDWARD KENNEDY, D-Mass.: Tom Brady and the Patriots are pumped for this one. They're ready for anything the Giants throw at them.

With support like that Obama is screwed.

OMAR EPPS, actor, "House": Patriots, 35-24. The Patriots are on the verge of making history. What better motivation can one need?

Call House. You need help.

SUSAN ANTON, singer/actress: Patriots, 31-28. This match up has the potential of being a classic. Eli and company have a lot of momentum going for them as well as confidence knowing that they almost beat the best team in football the last time they met. Experience will make the difference and Brady certainly has that. He is simply the best!

Better then all the rest! Sing it with me! Better then anyyyyonnnne……! Oh, and wrong.

DIERKS BENTLEY, country singer: Giants, 27-24. The Giants finished the season strong, and I guess I just enjoy pulling for the underdog.

Take the advice of the first 3 letters of your name.

VINCE NEIL, lead singer of Motley Crue: Patriots, 49-14. The Giants' pass defense is just not there, and they can't get to Brady. And I think Belichick has a plan for the Pats D to eliminate the Giants offense.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! (sung to the tune of Girls, girls girls.)

JOHN SLATTERY, actor, "Desperate Housewives" and "Mad Men": Patriots, 41-28. Pats, baby! And, they're gonna cover, too. What's the line now, 12-and-a-half? From Boston. Yeah, huge Pats fan.

Someone get Slattery on the horn, I want a follow up from him.

DICK VAN PATTEN, actor/founder of Natural Balance Pet Foods: Patriots, 35-14. Tom Brady is going to make dog food out of the Giants. I might have to hire him for my company.

Shameless plug. You whore.

SHELLEY BERMAN, actor/comedian: Patriots, 28-21. Halftime entertainment will be a remarkable singer -- all the words will be understood for the first time in Super Bowl history. This will make up for the once again hip-hop treatment of the national anthem, with screams and cheers on "o'er the la-hand of the free-hee" instead of "and the home of the brave."

Is my dad writing your material?

TOM SCHOLZ, founder of the band Boston: Well let's see ... I live in Boston, the name of my band is "Boston" ... definitely a Pats fan. The Brady Bunch to win by 7.

And just like your band, all signs point to ‘suck.’

CARL WEATHERS, actor: Patriots, 31-17. It's impossible not to go with New England. Congratulations to New York, but they won't win this Super Bowl.

Glad Drago killed you.

LEROY NEIMAN, artist: Patriots by a good 10 points unless the Giants' Toomer and Eli get hot. Brady only knows how to win.

He must have forgot last night.

JOHN CENA, WWE wrestler: Patriots, 34-14. With a video game-esque offense, the Patriots will secure a spot as one of the greatest teams to ever take the field.

Stick to fake sports.

CLINT BOWYER, NASCAR driver: Patriots, 45-24. The Patriots haven't checked up since the playoffs started. They looked like there were a couple kinks in the armor as the regular season wound down, but it looks like they found another gear against San Diego and Jacksonville. The Patriots always make their opponents pay for mistakes. It's like they hit a switch when it's time to put points on the board. Only this time, they'll hit the switch at kickoff.

You are using car terms. That’s adorable. Here is one for you. You are a tool.

TED GIANNOULAS aka SAN DIEGO CHICKEN: Patriots, 34-26. Fear Dr. Belichick with two weeks in his lab for this. The Pats preserve their goose egg year at 19-0! (As a chicken, I'm envious). The Giants will be valiant, but still drop some key Eli passes.

Honestly, a mascot? You asked a mascot?

CARROT TOP, comedian: Patriots, 27-23. Think will win? New England. Who do I want to win? Giants. The Giants are Good and the Patriots are Gooder.

Odd. He is usually hysterical.

PENN JILLETTE, magician, partnered with Teller to win 2007 Super Sage Award: Me being from Massachusetts, I'm supposed to be rooting for the Patriots, so -- they'll win easy. But, I don't understand the whole idea of sports teams being from somewhere. Are all the players from New England? Did they all come over on the Mayflower?

That’s how this bit ends? A terrible joke from a hack magician? I’d rather they asked the mute one.

(Thanks to Sports by Brooks for finding this article. )

1 comment:

steinway21 said...

Too bad you have nothing positive to say about any celebrities. Must be "sour grapes" at never being discovered for anything.