Monday, December 29, 2008

Game On: The 2008 Iron Ref Final(e)

After months of Colosseum-quality gladiator battles, HHR is happy to provide you with the final Iron Ref of 2008. The winner here claims a title of course, but so much more when you think about it. They can say they won something on the internet! That's not easy to do. We've got a special something in store for the winner, so we're excited to see who pulls out a victory here.

No judges this time - you were the people who got them this far, so we will leave it to you to either bestow them the greatest title this internet website has to offer, or denying them this 'honor' and in a sense, preserving their dignity. So there are no losers here, save those of us who post on this site.

The Secret Ingredient for this Final Round is
WINNER TAKE ALL

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Stanley Cup of Chowder


Roughly 72,000 thoroughbreds will see the inside of a starting gate each year. Less than 1% of those will ever win a stakes race. The rest will toil in low grade maiden, allowance, and claiming races in front of sparse crowds filled with degenerates and creepy old men who reek like mothballs and stale cigar smoke.


The lucky ones might end up being a toy for some rich brat whose daddy is trying to make up for years of not being there for his little girl.


Some will end up as a part of your kid’s arts and crafts project.


Others might end up helping to end hunger in third world countries…


…or at an elementary school cafeteria.


The horses that end up in the winner’s circle of the sport of kings’ premier races are the ones that truly get to live like kings. These horses will race for a few years before enjoying the greatest retirement this side of Del Boca Vista. These proven winners will go out to stud and be rewarded with a never-ending supply of the finest fillies around. That’s right, these lucky bastards get to spend the rest of their days just hanging out, nailing some Grade A horse tail. That sounds like a pretty sweet life to me… you know, if I were a horse.

(A Word of Warning: If you type “horse mating” into
Google images
, make sure SafeSearch is on)

I assume that the Ultimate Iron Ref is rewarded with the human equivalent of going out to stud. When The Chief mentioned a “special surprise for the winner” that was what he was talking about, right?
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Lady Andrea

I love competition. Not just being a fan of sports, but actually competing in things myself. I get a little bloodthirsty. I have this new boyfriend Robert and last night we were at a bar. He challenged me to a game of pool and told me that he wasn't going to let me win. I told him that if he DID let me win, I'd be forced to kick his ass.


We played and I won the first game. Because he accidentally sunk the 8 ball. So I called that game a draw. That's not a legitimate way to win. Nobody is satisfied. There's no payoff. So I challenged Robert to another game. And I really wanted to win. I like to win. I did beat him, though the game was close. He also commented that getting beaten by me was pretty hot.

What I like is that we have decided we need to join forces. We need to put our shared competitive streak to good use and crush unwitting opponents. We already have a plan to embarrass two men we work with at pool. And that's what Winner Take All is all about. Crushing your opponent's heart, mind and spirit until he is a huddling mass on the floor.

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So there you have it everyone. The final outcome rests in your hands and your hands alone. Your vote in the comments will determine which of these two is named the Ultimate Iron Ref of 2008. So who's it gonna be?

42 comments:

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

Stanley Cup of Chowder doesn't mess around. "oh, I played pool with my boyfriend" vs. "Winning horses get to race for a few years then go out to stud."

No contest. Evan should win this one.

kbarnes22 said...

Lady Andrea's post was god awful. Please don't vote for her simply because of her nice sweater puppies.

Stanley Cup of Chowder deserves this one....good job Ev!

Ed said...

Was that second post a sports blog or a diary entry?

This is Ed... I get two votes... both for Evan.

Andrew said...

I vote for Stanley Cup. He made comments about horses being killed and turned into glue, and to horse mating. That's a winning post.

1 vote for the Chowdah.

Mostly for the sexy photo.

I also liked the photo with the hot girls in it.

blaha said...

I fell asleep 7 words into Lady Andrea's post. Evan's entry was by far more interesting and hilarious.

Stanley cup of chowda all the way.

Mike said...

Stanley Cup of Chowder!

Kyle Lawson said...

Stanley Cup of Chowder wins it easily.

jayatmt said...

Did she really wake up and write that? really?


Win goes to Evan for not being pathetic.

Big Al said...

Vivid, is the first word that comes to mind when reading Chowder's brilliant atristry. Profound is his analysis of the rutheless horse exploitation that grips society with an iron fist. Disgust is what I feel when I read of the atrocities, the school lunches, and the way that stud gets to mount a horse the same way I always wanted to. Hats off to Chowder, he is the victor! As for the other girl, maybe she should find her local community college and enroll in English 101. You call that a finalist? My 79 year old, blind, semi-retarded grandmother who suffers from Alzheimer's could have whooped her. BOOOOOO!!!

getMikeB said...

dear lady andrea:
"GOOD STORY HANSEL"

stanley cup of chowder gets my vote, no contest

Andrine said...

all about stanley cup o chowdah

LadyAndrea said...

I vote for Stanley. Mine sucks and I apologize. Real life gets in the way sometimes. Stanley's was awesome. Well done, sir.

Swaz said...

Evan - terrific work of art.

LadyAndrea - Sweet cantaloupe's - but Evan takes this one

K_Lee said...

Evan and his Chowder!!

EVAN, EVAN, EVAN!!!

Brian said...

Wow I've won at pool too....I just never wrote about it

Stanley Cup of Chowder wins easily

wesj said...

Stanley Cup of Chowder it is

JP said...

Gotta be SCoC. Chowda!

Hub Hockey said...

stanley cup of chowder, hands down...

Erin said...

Stanley Cup of Chowder no contest.

rm said...

chowda, french say, chowda

Chalk said...

I too was a little disappointed with Andrea's effort at first -- but then I realized that was her subtle genius at work. After her masterful blowout in the semis, who would expect her to go for subtlety with a post about kicking ass that didn't kick ass at all. That's the awesome irony that makes sports great. That's why we watch -- to see spectacular failures. That's why I'm voting for Andrea.

Plus I fucking hate horses.

Kevin said...

I know this because Evan knows this...

It's all in the Chowder!

Mike Peet said...

Stanley Cup of Chowder... no contest!

Evan is the real deal.

SmartyBarrett said...

Stanley. Cup. Of. Chowder.

Amanda said...

Stanley Cup of Chowder. For sure!

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