Pundits and analysts will make their calculated guesses this week that will stick within the hedges. To escape you from this mediocre dribble, I will tell you now how the big plays will make the big game unfold. In true roulette fashion, I'm going big or going home.
As I know millions are wagered on the coin toss, Arizona will win and defer, and Hines Ward in true Matt Hasselbeck fashion will boldly exclaim, "we'll receive and we will play well!"
In the first quarter, Steelers will dig deep in the playbook and run the Immaculate Reception to keep Arizona off guard. Unfortunately, near the end zone Willie Parker will fumble to get one out of the way.
The Cardinals will jump to an early 7 point lead by installing Urban Meyer's spread offense, running Warner off three option fakes four consecutive times. Then running Hightower on a short leap off of Warner's back into the end zone.
In the second quarter, the Steelers will revert to their old trick plays. The flea flicker will be under thrown, otherwise good for a TD. The double reverse will be botched just outside the redzone with Watson breaking up the play and crushing Hines Ward's moisturized head in the process.
Arizona will suffer a major injury in their own right. Polamalu launches like a torpedo and crashes crown to face, knocking Warner unconscious.
Strikingly nervous, Leinart comes into the game. They run the ball a few times able to manage a couple first downs. Noticing the Steelers have 8 and a half players in the box, Leinart calls a fly pattern for Fitzgerald. The ball is grossly under thrown, but Fitzgerald leads his defender as if the ball is deep only to throw both hands behind his back at the last second to catch the ball at the small of his back and sashay into the endzone.
Cardinals go into halftime with a 14-3 lead and the Springsteen halftime show begins.
Springsteen will sign a few bars of a classic then try some new stuff. Knowing this will bore the crowd, Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana will come up from the stage to sing Mary's Place, which leads to an awkward butt grind with Springsteen resulting in the FCC to pull the plug on the halftime show. Springsteen spends the rest of the night in questioning.
During halftime, Wisenhunt invites buxom groupies situated in front row (player tickets) into the locker room for halftime. He will conduct the halftime in the showers with them running on the blonds to place Matt Leinart in an understandable situation to ease his nerves.
In the 3rd quarter, Steelers are unable to stop a highly stimulated Cardinals offense. Boldin breaks a 30 yard touchdown after a drag pattern across the middle. In celebration, he does a superman punch in the air and pulls his hamstring, groin, quad, lat, bicep and tricep.
The Steelers manage to point a few points on the board with time consuming drives that involve Tight End screen passes. Santonio Holmes manages to break a few punt returns, but is stopped by Punter Ben Graham multiple times with running soccer style trips and one Old School-esque tackle on the sideline.
By the 4th quarter, the Cardinals have a 31-13 lead. Leinart does what he does best and hands the ball off. The game slowly trickles to an end with Cardinals winning 34-16.
At the trophy presentation, Ben Graham is named MVP with a total of 4 tackles, 2 coffin corners and a tackle that will be the highlight of the game. When Wisenhunt accepts the trophy he stands next to Russ Grimm, shouts into the mike "suck it!, Rooney family" while he and Grimm do the Degeneration Suck It sign.