Thursday, January 15, 2009

Rep. Barton Issues Statement on College Football Playoff Act of 2009; HHR Translates

Yesterday, Texas Congressman Joe Barton (R-Ennis/Arlington) issued the following statement after introducing the College Football Playoff Act of 2009. Because it is riddle with political jargonese, HHR has translated so that the average sports fan can comprehend.

"This year’s BCS failure proves once again that it’s time for college football to come up with a fair way to determine its champion. If you don’t believe me, just ask the thousands of fans in Southern California, Utah and Texas. I’m a Texas Aggie, so I didn’t have a stake in Thursday’s game, unfortunately. It did pit two very worthy teams against each other, but can anyone say unequivocally that the winner – Florida - is the best team in the country?"
I'm an Aggie, but several of my constituents are Longhorns.
"I am not sure who would win a playoff between USC, Texas, Utah and Florida, but you can bet I would watch each of those teams fight it out on the football field with a big smile on my face knowing the winner would be a true National Champion."

Hey, it's gotten the president elect good face time on ESPN. Let me take a stab at it.
"I introduced the College Football Playoff Act of 2009 with one simple goal in mind – to make sure college football’s national champion is determined on the field, by players."

I introduced the College Football Playoff Act of 2009 with two simple goals in mind – to strengthen constituent relations and to get myself on HHR.
"The legislation I introduced along with Congressmen Bobby Rush and Michael McCaul recognizes the flaws of this system."

Rush is a former Black Panther who could use some positive news after his role in the Blago/Burress circus, and McCaul, like me, needs to butter up Longhorns.
"Consumers, whether the millions who watched the game on TV or the lucky few who saw it in person, were being bamboozled."

I'm a Congressman. I know about bamboozling.
"The BCS championship game is not a championship game under any sensible interpretation of the manner in which sports champions are determined."

Olympic sports notwithstanding.
"The Energy and Commerce Committee is vested with the responsibility for overseeing sports, and that includes the current process for determining a national college football champion: the BCS system. College football is more than an exhilarating sport, it’s a billion-dollar business."

Please, my fellow Americans, ignore the energy and financial crises going on.
"It seems clear to me that advertising the BCS Championship Game as a national championship game is patently deceptive when the participants are determined by some arbitrary computer system instead of open competition where everyone has a fair shot at the title."

Pay no attention to those former 1-AA, D-2 & 3, non-BCS schools. We live in a country of haves and have-nots. Don't mess with Texas.
"The BCS system of determining America's top collegiate team was established in 1998 and has been dogged by serious controversy almost from the start. In some years the sport's national championship winner was left unsettled, and at least one school was left out of the many millions of dollars in revenue that accompany the title. Repeated efforts to improve the system have each failed."

Oh. So it's a profit deal? Good Republican. Go on.
"The legislation we introduced will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a post-season game as a ‘national championship’ football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice, and provides the FTC with civil penalty authority."

Ever have a cockmeat sandwich at Gitmo?
"The legislation does not specify the details of the playoff system. It requires only that all Division I, Football Bowl Subdivision, teams should be equally eligible at the start of every season. The existing bowl structure could easily be incorporated into or as the basis for such a playoff system."

Screw you, App State.
"We’re never going to abolish all controversy, and who’d really want to be rid of it, anyway?"

My fellow Texas Republican, President Bush.
"People will argue about who should be in and out of playoffs, too, but I am confident when more of the most deserving teams can compete under an honest system, a true national champion is much likelier to emerge.”

When they argue, at that point I wil have my underpaid staff draft another bullshit bill.

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1 comment:

mostie said...

Oh Good! The government is getting involved! Nothing says fast and efficient like the US Congress!