The Cynic's Guide to College Football, Week 11

Well, we're coming into the home stretch. Some teams have their six wins. Some will be home in time for Thanksgiving. The bitching about the bowl system is going full force. Ohio State has punched their ticket for their annual BCS bowl loss. Coaching rumors are swirling. Somehow, inexplicably, Lou Holtz and Mark May still have jobs. (Seriously, do these guys have incriminating photos of the ESPN brass or something? I can't explain it.) At any rate, here's a look back at the week in college football weirdness.

The Great Filling Station Holdup

By now I’m sure you’ve probably heard that three Tennessee football players were arrested for armed robbery last Thursday. There are a lot of angles to go here, so I just ask this: what is the most f’ed up part of this whole situation?

• The robbery took place less than a day after UT head coach Lane Kiffin had been extolling his program’s arrest free record.
• The robbery took place at a convenience store owned by a former UT player and one of the school's bigger athletics donors.
• The victim says he doesn’t want the players to miss any playing time because he’s a Vols fan and, besides, “It's Tennessee. That's the way it is sometimes."
• The getaway car was a Toyota Prius.

America’s first “green certified” stick-up

Win or Go Home

Championship or Bust! That was probably a slogan for many schools going into this season. But with last week's upset loss to Missouri, Kansas State finds itself in that position very literally. With a win over Nebraska this weekend, the Wildcats will win the North Division championship and put themselves in the Big 12 title game against Texas and a possible (albeit unlikely) shot at the Fiesta Bowl. If they lose, however, they’ll be home for the holidays. Yes, K-State has six wins, but two came against FCS (aka I-AA) teams, of which they can only count one. So they still need another win just to get bowl eligible. Not sure exactly what kind of bowl game and division title bonuses Bill Snyder has in his contract, but I think it’s safe to say he’s got a lot of money riding on this one.

Fiesta Bowl payout=$17.5 million.
Other Big 12 Bowl options=$750K to $3 million
6-6 record=$0
No pressure, Bill.

Bulls, Bears and Broncos

You can now buy stock in the Boise State Athletic Department, with the money raised going to fund improvements to the Broncos’ athletics facilities. The bigger question is will Dan Hawkins use the golden parachute buyout he’s about to get from Colorado to become the majority shareholder and get his old job back via hostile takeover?

Who says you can’t go home again?

What Happens in Juarez . . .

When the season started, I’m pretty sure the Sun Bowl wasn’t real high on the list of goals for Oklahoma and USC. But with their seasons in a tailspin, that is what some bowl projections are now predicting.

On the plus side, the folks at the Greater El Paso Chamber of Commerce will be the doing the dance of joy. This could be the biggest thing to hit El Paso since Marty Robbins.

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The Cynic's Guide to College Football, Week 10

Welcome to mid-November, when the BCS vs. Playoff whining begins in earnest, coaches’ pink slips fill the air, the fan natives start getting restless and Rich Rodriguez and Bobby Bowden start rehearsing their duet of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Only a few weeks left for those mediocre teams (and there are a ton of them this year) to get bowl eligible or help solidify their positions in a better bowl game.

So with that—and visions of Thanksgiving turkey and football already dancing in our heads—let’s look back at the week that was in bad football.

Anchors Aweigh for Weis

Saturday was a big day for Notre Dame haters. And those who love America. I mean, how can you root against the Naval Academy? Why don’t you just piss on the flag and join Al Qaeda while you’re at it? OK, so maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement, but lost in all the “Charlie Weis extra wide hot seat” talk was the fact that Navy has now won in South Bend twice in a row. Maybe Navy can provide a destroyer to help Charlie sail off into the sunset.

Thanks to all our brave servicemen and women who keep us safe from terrorism. And Notre Dame BCS bowl games.

Fire the Waterboy!

When did Bob Stoops go from “can’t win the big ones” to “can’t win the medium-sized ones?” To be sure, the Sooners had a lot going against them this week, including a freakish number of injuries to key offensive players. And I don’t want to take anything away from Nebraska's defense—I freely admit my huge mancrush on Ndamukong Suh. But you’re telling me the Sooners offense, which is still loaded with blue chip recruits and which spent most of the night in Nebraska territory, could only manage three points, three missed field goals and five interceptions? Especially rough considering they were competing against a Husker offense that was 1-for-14 on 3rd down conversions and had more punts (11) than points (10) or first downs (7). Sooners fans are notoriously prone to hyperbole when it comes to proclaiming every loss “the worst coaching job ever.” And, even with OU’s bizarre injury situation, those voices are only getting louder in
Norman.

When OU goes to the Sun Bowl, will U.S. Customs search the Sooner Schooner on the way back from Juarez?

And the Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

Colorado coming from behind to beat Texas A&M? Baylor (yes, that Baylor) putting a beatdown on Missouri—in Columbia? Kansas State leading their division. I officially give up trying to figure out the Big 12.

Don’t try to explain it. You’ll only hurt yourself.

Voting Boise Off the Island

Note to Boise State: if you’re trying to make your case for a BCS at-large spot, struggling against 3-6 Lousiana Tech (Boise only led by 2 with 8 minutes left) is not the way to do it. For all you “a win’s a win” and “undefeated is undefeated” folks out there, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but style points matter. The BCS isn’t about fairness—it’s about money and TV ratings. Period. It’s no different from any other TV show in that regard. Boise may be freakin’ Masterpiece Theater for all most people know. But the BCS is afraid of anything “artsy”, so they’re going to go with the safe picks—American Idol, reality shows featuring B-list celebrities . . . and a 2-loss Penn State.

Hey Simon, should Fox show a Boise bowl game instead of an American Idol re-run?

I love college football as much as anybody. Still, it’s easy to overemphasize its importance. Last week’s events at Fort Hood are what really matter. Our solders in Iraq and Afghanistan are what really matter. The freedoms we enjoy because of them are what really matter. So find a way to thank a vet today. Whether it’s buying one a cup of coffee or, like the North Texas Nebraskans alumni group, raising money to buy tickets for local soldiers to come to the game, make sure you tell the active and former military personnel you meet “thank you.” On Veterans' Day and every day.

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