The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 14

What a long strange trip it's been. Some of you are celebrating the fact that your team had a good season. Others (including myself) are left to rehash a more "challenging" season. We’ve suffered through a lot of bad football this year, but the last week did a lot to kind of redeem the season. Some great games with wild endings. Cincinnati and Pitt battling back and forth for a Sugar Bowl bid. An offensive lineman making the winning score for Fresno State. And Texas advancing to the national championship by winning the first ever 60 minute and 1 second-long football game. I’ll have my end-of-the-year wrap-up and Cynic’s Awards coming soon, but I wanted to give just a few final comments on the week that was.

1. Random thought: With the firings of Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino, what does that do to the collective Body Mass Index of the coaching profession?

Note to self: Hit the treadmill immediately after posting.

2. That wailing and gnashing of teeth you hear in the middle of the country is coming from Missouri fans disgusted with the Big 12 bowl selection process, which allows affiliated bowls to choose a bowl-eligible team rather than taking the available team with the best record. In this case, 8-4 Missouri got passed up by the Insight Bowl in favor of 6-6 Iowa State. Nine years ago, Cyclones fans flocked to Tucson by the thousands, and Insight Bowl officials are obviously hoping for a repeat performance. But for Mizzou, the Insight’s move dropped them all the way down to the Texas Bowl against Navy. While Houston has its pluses, and it can’t hurt for recruiting in Texas, a trip to the Big 12’s last place bowl tie-in instead of sunny Arizona isn’t the post-season reward the Tigers were expecting.

This is the best news in Ames since Gene Chizik left for Auburn.

3. Stat of the Week: In last week’s Big 12 Championship Game, Ndamukong Suh had more yardage in sacks and tackles for loss than Husker QBs had passing.

Suh’s shown he can find the end zone. Maybe the Huskers should’ve started him at quarterback.

4. For anyone who didn’t see the ending of last week’s Fresno State/Illinois game, you owe it to yourself to check out one of the wildest endings to a game this—or any other—season.

5. I’ve cast my Heisman ballot and I don’t really have much of a problem with the final five who made the cut. But am I the only one a little surprised that no wide receivers are getting any love this year? It’s not like Golden Tate and Mardy Gilyard were chopped liver.

Mmmmm. Wideout.

6. A Facebook page for fans of Tim Tebow crying has gained over 64,000 fans in four days.

I’m guessing these guys aren’t fans.

7. Last week, Oklahoma State University president Burns Hargis announced that he was pulling OSU out of an NIH-funded research study of a new anthrax vaccine. The tests would have been conducted on baboons, which would then be euthanized. What does this have to do with football? Just this—Madeleine Pickens, the wife of OSU sugar daddy T. Boone Pickens, is a big animal rights activist who recently pulled a $5 million donation to the OSU veterinary program. While Hargis denies any connection, I think we can connect the dots on this one. So let this be a lesson to your athletic department—while it might be nice having someone write you checks with a whole bunch of zeroes, that kind of money always comes with strings
attached.

In a related story, a University of Oregon graduate student mysteriously went missing last week after submitting a paper on human rights abuses and the use of child labor by multinational clothing conglomerates.

8. If Army upsets Navy on Saturday, the Black Knights will play Temple in the Eagle Bank Bowl. You read that right. Army. Temple. Bowl game.

Camo uniforms = bowl bid. Mark it down.

9. But which is more surprising—that Army and Temple could make a bowl, period? Or that USC and Oklahoma would end up in the Emerald Bowl and Sun Bowl, respectively?

I have friends who went to Oklahoma. Christmas shopping? Done.

10. The NCAA is reportedly investigating Tennessee for recruiting violations involving using hookers, um, I mean Tiger’s exes, um, I mean “student hostesses” to lure potential recruits. Wait, a college using the promise of cheap sex with hot co-eds as an incentive to come to campus? Man, when I enrolled in college, all I got was a map of the campus and a free t-shirt.

Note to self #2: Be reincarnated as a Vols recruit.

For the majority of you, your favorite teams will be playing in a bowl game, so stick around for more the next few weeks. For the rest of you, well, there’s always basketball season.

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The Cynic's Guide to College Football, Week 10

Welcome to mid-November, when the BCS vs. Playoff whining begins in earnest, coaches’ pink slips fill the air, the fan natives start getting restless and Rich Rodriguez and Bobby Bowden start rehearsing their duet of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Only a few weeks left for those mediocre teams (and there are a ton of them this year) to get bowl eligible or help solidify their positions in a better bowl game.

So with that—and visions of Thanksgiving turkey and football already dancing in our heads—let’s look back at the week that was in bad football.

Anchors Aweigh for Weis

Saturday was a big day for Notre Dame haters. And those who love America. I mean, how can you root against the Naval Academy? Why don’t you just piss on the flag and join Al Qaeda while you’re at it? OK, so maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement, but lost in all the “Charlie Weis extra wide hot seat” talk was the fact that Navy has now won in South Bend twice in a row. Maybe Navy can provide a destroyer to help Charlie sail off into the sunset.

Thanks to all our brave servicemen and women who keep us safe from terrorism. And Notre Dame BCS bowl games.

Fire the Waterboy!

When did Bob Stoops go from “can’t win the big ones” to “can’t win the medium-sized ones?” To be sure, the Sooners had a lot going against them this week, including a freakish number of injuries to key offensive players. And I don’t want to take anything away from Nebraska's defense—I freely admit my huge mancrush on Ndamukong Suh. But you’re telling me the Sooners offense, which is still loaded with blue chip recruits and which spent most of the night in Nebraska territory, could only manage three points, three missed field goals and five interceptions? Especially rough considering they were competing against a Husker offense that was 1-for-14 on 3rd down conversions and had more punts (11) than points (10) or first downs (7). Sooners fans are notoriously prone to hyperbole when it comes to proclaiming every loss “the worst coaching job ever.” And, even with OU’s bizarre injury situation, those voices are only getting louder in
Norman.

When OU goes to the Sun Bowl, will U.S. Customs search the Sooner Schooner on the way back from Juarez?

And the Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

Colorado coming from behind to beat Texas A&M? Baylor (yes, that Baylor) putting a beatdown on Missouri—in Columbia? Kansas State leading their division. I officially give up trying to figure out the Big 12.

Don’t try to explain it. You’ll only hurt yourself.

Voting Boise Off the Island

Note to Boise State: if you’re trying to make your case for a BCS at-large spot, struggling against 3-6 Lousiana Tech (Boise only led by 2 with 8 minutes left) is not the way to do it. For all you “a win’s a win” and “undefeated is undefeated” folks out there, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but style points matter. The BCS isn’t about fairness—it’s about money and TV ratings. Period. It’s no different from any other TV show in that regard. Boise may be freakin’ Masterpiece Theater for all most people know. But the BCS is afraid of anything “artsy”, so they’re going to go with the safe picks—American Idol, reality shows featuring B-list celebrities . . . and a 2-loss Penn State.

Hey Simon, should Fox show a Boise bowl game instead of an American Idol re-run?

I love college football as much as anybody. Still, it’s easy to overemphasize its importance. Last week’s events at Fort Hood are what really matter. Our solders in Iraq and Afghanistan are what really matter. The freedoms we enjoy because of them are what really matter. So find a way to thank a vet today. Whether it’s buying one a cup of coffee or, like the North Texas Nebraskans alumni group, raising money to buy tickets for local soldiers to come to the game, make sure you tell the active and former military personnel you meet “thank you.” On Veterans' Day and every day.

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