The Cynic's Guide to College Football: Week 3 Thoughts

Some quick hit observations from the college gridiron . . .

The 11^th Commandment

Baylor is threatening lawsuits to hold up Texas A&M’s trip to the SEC and Oklahoma’s trip west to the PAC-12. Can’t say I blame them—if the Big 12 collapses, the Bears go from sucking on a BCS conference teat to scheduling conference games with North Texas or Rice. The only reason they’re in this position today is because former Texas governor Anne Richards was a Baylor grad and refused to sign the legislation allowing the Big 12 to be formed unless Baylor got in on the deal. Still, it seems a little shady for a Baptist school to be engaging in this kind behavior. Too bad “Thou shalt not extort thy fellow conference members” isn’t in the Bible somewhere.

“Um, God? I think I’m missing the sports section.”

What Not to Wear

What have we learned about uniforms in the first two weeks? If they involve the words “throwback” or “retro”, your team will probably look pretty sharp (e.g. Michigan vs. Notre Dame). If they use the words “futuristic” or “Nike Pro Combat,” they’ll either suck beyond words (Boise State vs. Georgia) or they’ll look like something the cast at Medieval Times should be wearing (Maryland).



The funniest thing is that, 40 years from now, Maryland will pull these back out as throwbacks.



Stat Line of the Year

In their 44-0 loss at Michigan State this week, Florida Atlantic netted just 48 yards total offense. The Owls were 0-for-10 on 3^rd down conversions and netted just one first down—for the game. FAU coach Howard Schnellenberger has already announced his retirement and apparently the “short timer” work ethic has worked its magic on the offense.

“Listen, boys. Happy Hour down at Rooster’s starts in 20 minutes. So let’s not drag this one out, OK?”



Somebody Has to Start, Right?

For much of the last year, Texas fans had to be wondering just how bad did Garrett Gilbert have to be before coach Mack Brown would pull the plug. On Saturday, we apparently got an answer: 2-of-8 for eight yards, three three-and-outs and two interceptions in five possessions bad. (For you math geeks, that’s a pass efficiency rating of negative-16.6.) Brown has now announced that Case McCoy and David Ash will split snaps this week. In other words, Texas gone from one quarterback controversy to another (although most UT fans are clamoring for McCoy-to-Shipley v. 2.0) and Gilbert has gone from 13-game starter to 3^rd string.

You don’t have to be a genius to have the same reaction to Gilbert’s numbers.

This Week in True Crime

A college football player gets a public intox or disturbing the peace ticket? No one bats an eyelash. He gets a DUI or gets caught shoplifting? Makes page 7 of the sports section and he has to run a few extra wind sprints? Commit an assault, embezzlement
or other felony? OK, now you’re talking suspensions. But Fresno State coach Pat Hill is now facing a new dilemma in college athletics: what exactly do you do with the two dozen football players currently under investigation for welfare fraud?

Welfare fraud affects us all.

This Will be on the Blooper Reel with the DVD Extras

SMU is already actively lobbying to take Texas A&M’s spot in a new Big 12. I’m guessing the Mustangs’ onside kick attempt against the Aggies in week one won’t be making the highlight tape they send to Commissioner Dan Beebe.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

2011 Under Armour All-America Game Highlights

Ditka and Mooch get preps fired up.

The game features some of the biggest plays of the game including future Gator Jeff Driskel’s 63-yard touchdown run, future Seminole Karlos Williams’ pick 6 and future Aggie Taylor Bertolet’s 24-yard field goal to win the game.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 12

We’re nearing the end, my friends. The end of the season. The end of many fans’ dreams. The end of many coaches’ jobs. And the end of many turkeys’ lives.

If you need any proof that football is the greatest sport in the world, I would submit this week as Exhibit A. Drama. Great rivalries. Great games. Football on Thanksgiving Day. Meanwhile, as I write this, I'm suffering through Dick Vitale announcing another Duke basketball game. I rest my case.

On with the football.

Mea Culpa

I have to start off this week with an apology. In my post last week, I commented on the lousy officiating in the Big 12, but disagreed with those Nebraska fans who said that the conference was somehow out to get the Huskers for leaving for the Big Ten. I now owe all of you conspiracy theorists an apology.

You were right. I was wrong. And the fix is in.


After watching the Nebraska/Texas A&M game, I really can’t come to any other conclusion. The officiating was so ridiculously one-sided that you’d have to be wearing some pretty thick maroon-tinted Aggie glasses not to notice.

Consider if you will:

• Nebraska was flagged 16 times for 145 yards (both school records), including six personal foul or unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.
• Texas A&M, which was one of the most heavily penalized teams in the country coming into the game, had just 2 penalties for 10 yards.
• The Aggies, despite starting two freshmen at the tackle spots and facing one of the more aggressive defenses in the country, were never called for holding.
• Late in the game, 3rd-and-6 at the A&M 12 yard line, the Aggies were flagged for pass interference, which would have kept the Huskers’ potential game-winning drive alive. Except the refs picked up the flag.
• On A&M’s subsequent drive, the Huskers got an atrocious late-hit penalty (on 3rd-and-11 from the 49; see video #1 below) that moved the Aggies into position for the game-winning field goal.
• ABC, which is stuck in a big-money contract with a conference with no championship game and really only one national marquee game and just lost a bidding war to Fox for the Big Ten championship game, mysteriously never showed replays of two different personal fouls called on Husker DE Eric Martin.

Certainly none of these things individually point to a conspiracy. Picking up the pass interference flag was probably the right call. Although he was obviously provoked (video #2 below; showing A&M’s Tony Jerod-Eddie auditioning for a “junk-grabbing” job with the TSA), the flag on TE Ben Cotton for retaliating wasn’t improper. And Bo Pelini’s maniacal raving at the officials probably didn’t help the team get any borderline calls. But in my mind, here is the smoking gun: The same officiating crew did Nebraska’s games against Texas, Iowa State and Texas A&M. In those games, the Huskers were flagged 32 times for 293 yards. Their opponents were called for just 9 penalties for 103 yards (a difference of almost 8 flags and over 63 yards per game). Compare this to the Huskers’ 4 other Big 12 games this year in which the penalty discrepancy was less than 1 flag and 8 yards per game.

Those kind of numbers cannot be a coincidence.

So Husker conspiracy theorists, consider me a believer. And, assuming you can get by Colorado this week (wonder which officiating crew is doing the game?), I hope you enjoy your last Big 12 consolation prize in the Insight or Alamo Bowl. Because there is not a chance in hell that Big 12 Commissioner Dan Beebe and his minions will let you get a sniff of the conference championship trophy.

“OK, the Boss wants us to make sure that Nebraska doesn’t win the conference championship. But it’s gotta look like an accident. So who thinks we can do it?”

Welcome to the Party

It only took 12 weeks, but congrats to the Big East on finally getting enough bowl-eligible teams to fill your six spots (well, if you count Notre Dame’s deal to take one of your spots when they don’t make the BCS). First team to 8 wins gets the Fiesta Bowl and its $17 million payout. Who says mediocrity doesn’t pay?

Does this come in Pitt colors?

Weaksauce (As I'm Told the Kids are Calling it These Days) Scheduling #1

I find it very amusing that the loudest voices calling for a playoff to “prove it on the field” are also the loudest ones railing against Boise State’s schedule and that they shouldn’t be given a chance to “prove it on the field.”

A tasty pre-Thanksgiving snack.

Whodathunkit?

Imagine if, 5 years ago, I would have told you that:

• Joe Paterno would still be working in football and Vince Young wouldn’t.
• Texas would not be bowl eligible, but San Diego State, Texas-El Paso and all three service academies would be.
• Boise State would still be a national power, and Notre Dame would still be irrelevant.

Weaksauce Scheduling #2

Speaking of scheduling, what’s up with the new trend of scheduling weak nonconference games late in the season? Alabama vs. Georgia State. Texas vs. Florida Atlantic. Florida vs. Appalachian State. These are the kind of games that belong on Labor Day weekend, not the week before Thanksgiving. It’s sad and not just a little pathetic when supposedly big-name programs feel the need to schedule a scrimmage the week before their end-of-season rivalry games.

From all of us here at HHR, a very Happy Thanksgiving to you and your favorite football teams this year.

Follow us on Twitter@HHReynolds or Click Here to get HHR in your inbox.

The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 12

Coming up is some of the greatest football of the year. No, I don’t necessarily mean good football (although the Texas Tech/Oklahoma game this weekend could fit the bill, especially if you like lots of offense and five hour games). I mean rivalry week—that one time of the year when, no matter how lousy your team is this year, you can claim “you can throw the records out the window” and still talk smack about your least favorite opponent. And speaking of which . . .

1. The Cynic’s Game of the Year is Here

Every team has that group of fans who claim, “We don’t care if we go 1-11, as long as that one is against insert name of rival school here.” Well, Washington fans are going to get a chance to prove it. Exactly how bad do you have to be to be an 8 ½ point underdog at home to an 0-10 team with a lame-duck coach? That’s exactly the situation for the deplorable 1-9 Washington State Huskies as they enter this week’s game against Washington and Tyrone Willingham.

And courtesy of a really screwed up TV contract, the entire country (yes, that means you) will be subjected able to watch this piece of garbage epic rivalry game.

Even the most ardent Apple Cup fans will find this one hard to swallow.

2. I’d Hate to See What the Losers Get

As I write this, Ball State just defeated Central Michigan 31-24. The Cardinals are now two games away from an undefeated season. Their likely reward? The Motor City Bowl.

On the plus side, between the Lions and the US auto industry, this may be the closest Detroit gets to seeing a winner for a looooooong time.

GM is a 22 ½ point underdog. I’d still give the points.

3. No Pressure Here

If Utah wins this week’s game against BYU, they are a near lock for a BCS bowl game.

Lose, and they’re likely headed to the Poinsettia Bowl.

The difference in payout? $17 million vs. $750,000.

That whimpering sound you hear coming from Provo is Utah’s athletic director curled up in a ball under his desk.

4. Steve Kragthorpe is a Godless Heathen

Picking a fight when the other team jumps on or otherwise disrespects your team logo at midfield is one thing. Picking a fight because the other team holds a pre-game prayer at midfield? Whole different ballgame.

God bless those pagans.

5. Living and Dying on Tulsa Time

Earlier in the season, I was extolling the virtues of Tulsa’s seemingly unstoppable offense and pondering their potential as a BCS buster. Yeah, I kinda got ahead of myself there. Two weeks ago, the Golden Hurricane lost to Arkansas (no real shame in a CUSA team losing to an SEC team, even with the whole Gus Malzahn subplot). But then this week they go and lose by 40 to Houston. Sure, the offense put up 501 yards (and I did learn they have a WR named Slick Shelley.) But they also had five turnovers. And TU’s defense? Um, yeah. The Cougars were up 42-17 at half and scored TDs on their first three possessions of the second before Houston coach Kevin Sumlin took his foot off the pedal (the Cougars only scored one offensive TD in the last quarter-and-a-half).

So let’s examine the timeline:

2008: UH beats TU by 40.

1988: UH hangs 82 on Tulsa in an 82-28 win.

1968: UH sets an FBS record for points against a major college opponent with 100-3 win over Tulsa in 1968.

Note to self: go to Vegas in 2028 and bet the farm on Houston.

6. I’ll Take “Message Board Posts I Wish I’d Written” for $1000, Alex

Bad football can sometimes lead to some really good writing (this blog may or may not be an example of that). This week saw one of the most inspired pieces of sports message board writing I’ve seen in some time. A Baylor fan posted a note on a Texas A&M message board letting Aggie fans know how to act now that they have replaced the Bears at the bottom of the Big 12 South hierarchy (side note: how bad do you have to be when you’re getting smack talked by Baylor? Yeesh.)

At any rate, the message was quickly deleted by the Aggie board admins but, thanks to the miracle of Google cache, a Houston blogger was able to repost the guide to being in last place. This is some good, good stuff and could be useful for lots of your various smack talk needs over the next couple of weeks.

Chapter 3: How ‘bout that Aggie lacrosse team?

The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 6

You know it’s a strange year in college football when College Gameday is broadcasting from Vanderbilt. Fortunately, we’ve (finally!) got some good games coming up, with Oklahoma/Texas, LSU/Florida and Oklahoma State/Missouri leading the way. Still, there’s a lot of bad football being played, and here is your weekly commentary on some of it.

1. Bart Simpson for Yell Leader

Is there a team in America who has underachieved more than Texas A&M? I don’t mean just this year, I mean ever. Sure, this year is no bed of roses (2-3 record, a loss to Arkansas State, a near loss to Army and giving up three defensive and special teams TDs last week). But what has TAMU done historically? A&M hasn’t won a national title since 1939. They’ve had just two major award winners (John David Crow, 1957 Heisman, and Dat Nguyen, 1998 Lombardi and Bednarik). They have not won a bowl game since the creation of the Big 12 (their last bowl win was a 22-20 victory over Michigan in the 1995 Alamo Bowl). Since the days of Bear Bryant and Gene Stallings, the Aggies have won just eight conference championships since 1967, including three for Jackie Sherrill (1985-87) and four for R.C. Slocum (1991-93, 1998).

On paper, TAMU should be one of the nation’s dominant programs. Huge alumni and donor base. Massive recruiting hotbed. Respectable facilities. Rabid fan support. But while Aggie fans like to think of Texas and A&M as entries 1 and 1a in the state football hierarchy, nothing could be further from the truth. Even in good years. TAMU has slipped well behind Texas Tech as the second-best team in the state. And this year, I think that most would agree TCU has moved into the #3 spot with A&M battling the likes of Rice, Houston and Baylor for, at best, fourth place. Their only consolation is that North Texas is absolutely terrible and is occupying the cellar.

While we now know that there is no basement in the Alamo, if there was, the North Texas Mean Green would be there.

I’m not saying this to bash TAMU. I actually like the Aggies, in spite of some of their weird cultish, Kool-Aid drinking traditions. I say this because I think the 12th Man deserves better. While I can’t claim to know the recipe for the magic potion that would make A&M a national power, I do know that all the ingredients should be there.

2. Anyone Want Some Cheese?

Is it just me, or was there an inordinate of whining going on after games this week? Chase Daniel’s anonymous phantom spit allegations (put up or shut up, big boy). Rival Pac-10 coaches complaining about Pete Carroll violating NCAA rules about attending high school games (USC bend the rules? I’m shocked! Shocked, I say!) Jim Harbaugh complaining about the officiating in Stanford’s loss to Notre Dame (Although the game was at ND, it was a Pac-10 crew. And Lord knows they never make mistakes.) I guess, just like the Christmas shopping season, whining and excuses come earlier and earlier every year.


3. My Name is Earl, Football Style.

In some cases, however, criticizing the officials might be justified. (Credit for this find goes to The Wiz of Odds.) Fresno State was down 17 points to Hawaii, but was able to come back thanks in no small part to the help of 10 penalties for 82 yards on the Warriors, compared to zero penalties on the Bulldogs. But the clincher came in the first overtime, when Fresno State lined up for a field goal. You be the judge.



Look, we all know that kickers and punters taking a dive is nothing new. But getting a flag for something this bogus in such a key situation shouldn’t happen. Fortunately, the ball wide right.


4. When Television Contracts Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

I may be getting a little ahead of myself here, but I found this very interesting and disturbing. Apparently, Fox Sports Net is contractually obligated to carry the November 22 Apple Cup game between Washington and Washington State. While there’s a lot of football to be played between now and then, there is a very good chance that game could pit a 1-9 team against an 0-10 team. That’s some gooooood watchin’.


5. Defensive Coordinators Need Not Apply.

If you’re like me and enjoy a good hard-hitting defensive slugfest, then for the love of God, avoid Columbia, Missouri this weekend. Missouri and Oklahoma State rank #2 and #3 respectively in the nation in scoring offense, averaging 106 points per game between them. OSU is second in the nation in rushing offense; Mizzou is third in passing offense. MU’s Chase Daniel is the Heisman frontrunner and OSU’s Zac Robinson, while overshadowed by Daniel and Sam Bradford, has been as good of a QB as there is in the nation. While both teams’ defenses are not as bad as they are sometimes perceived, let’s be honest—their only job this weekend is to act as a speed bump. I have no idea what the Vegas line on this game is, but take the over.

6. What’s in the Water in Oklahoma?

And while we’re on the subject of Oklahoma State, does someone out there smarter than me have the answer to this question: prior to this year, has any state ever had three D-1A teams be undefeated this late in the season? As of right now, #1 Oklahoma, #17 Oklahoma State and inexplicably unrated Tulsa are all sitting at 5-0. While Oklahoma may not be so great at such things as household income, education or health care, the Sooner State has got this football thing down cold.

A&M/Baylor Duke it Out

While I usually reserve NCAA commentary to Rev and Rusty, it's March, so even us casual fans' interest is peaked. The Deuce put on a doozy last night between in-state rivals Texas A&M and Baylor, who earlier this year engaged in a five-overtime classic. While this game lacked the competitive battle, there was no love loss between the teams. And the Baptist Waco fans showered the court with screams and seat cushions.

The following hard screen on Josh Carter nearly caused a bench clearing brawl and and a Texas-sized riot, and ended with double T's.



As if the hard play throughout the game didn't stoke enough fire, the final play of the game was a salt-in-the-wounds highlight dunk by Donald Sloan.