The Cynic’s Guide to College Football: Week Two

With most of the I-AA game silliness behind us, we finally start getting into some interesting games next weekend. We have a couple featuring ranked teams (#14 Georgia Tech at #20 Miami; #19 Nebraska at #13 Virginia Tech) and a couple more conference games with some bad blood to settle (Texas Tech at Texas; Tennessee at Florida). So we're starting to get to the fun part--it's like when you're just reaching the top of the hill on your first roller coaster ride. You are still going slow and not much has happened yet, but you can see over the hill and eagerly anticipate the craziness in front of you. But before we get ahead of ourselves, let's deal with some of last week's debacles.

Maybe He Was Too Hard on Intramurals

Let me be the latest to pile on Colorado's Dan Hawkins for the Buffs 0-2 start. Losing your season opener at home to your in-state rival is bad enough. But going on the road and getting beaten down by a MAC team? Well, that won't do wonders for confidence in your coaching ability. Toledo beat CU 54-38 and, frankly, the game wasn't that close. In CU's first two games, they have been outscored 43-6 in the first halves. Throw in a rough upcoming schedule and, congratulations Coach Hawkins, you're the first contestant on Coach's Hot Seat.

After last season, Coach Hawkins promised "ten wins and no excuses." But between now and the end of October, CU plays Wyoming this Saturday (Buffaloes are favored, but remember Wyoming gave Texas a game for a half last week) before games @ West Virginia, @ Texas, vs. Kansas, @ Kansas State and vs. Missouri. Barring a turnaround of near-biblical proportions, Colorado will be doing well to have two wins by Halloween. Throw in season-ending games @ Oklahoma State and vs. Nebraska, and Colorado looks to be closer to ten losses than wins. While there is some speculation that CU might not be able to afford Hawkins' buyout, don't think CU boosters aren't already crunching the numbers.

Hawkins feeling the burn. And that’s just on his backside.

Christians vs. Lions Was the Undercard

Last Saturday night, some friends who are big Oklahoma Sooners fans got the OU vs. Idaho State game on pay-per-view and invited us over to have a cookout and watch the game. While the game certainly wasn’t much of a draw, it was still fun to hang out with them and let our kids play. While I’m certainly no fan of I-A teams playing I-AA teams, even by those weak standards, this one was completely unforgiveable.

First, let’s be honest here—doesn’t matter what state you live in, your best high school football team right now would be a three touchdown favorite over Idaho State. The Bengals (yes, the Idaho State Bengals—I have no idea why) are that bad. Over the last five years, Idaho State has gone 1-11 (with a season-ending overtime upset of Sacramento State as their only win), 3-8, 2-9, 5-6 and 3-8. So we’re not even dealing with a good I-AA team (a la Appalachian State, Richmond, William & Mary, etc.) who can at least compete on a larger stage. We’re dealing with someone who is lousy, even at the I-AA level. So does their athletic department do something to help, like scheduling a couple of D-II opponents? No. Instead, they offer the poor Bengals up as sacrificial lambs to the likes of Arizona State and Oklahoma. So, through two games, Idaho State has a combined 81 total yards, -27 rushing yards, 7 turnovers, 16 punts and 3
points to show for it. In 30 possessions and 120 minutes of play, they have crossed midfield one time.

While I’m not going to defend ASU and OU for scheduling these games, I’m putting the blame for these games squarely on Idaho State athletic director Jeff Tingey. Sure, you rake in lots of bucks for your athletic department. But at what cost? A downtrodden and demoralized team? No prospect for hope? Idaho State players know their talent levels and don’t hold any illusions about being better than they are. All they want is to play the game the love and have a chance to compete. By scheduling games like these, Idaho State has made that impossible.

But on the plus side, at least the athletic department can see the bright side of things: following the ASU loss, the headline on the school website read, “First Team Defense Hangs Tough in 50-3 Loss to Arizona State.”

“It is all lies. The infidels from Oklahoma can never defeat the mighty Bengals of most glorious Idaho State.”

From Big Winner to The Biggest Loser

Kudos to Maryland head coach Ralph Friedgen for dropping 105+ pounds in the last year. Unfortunately, the Terrapins outlook is season is dropping just as fast. After getting waxed 52-13 at California in Week One, the Terps thought this week’s home game against James Madison would be the cupcake that has been lacking from Friedgen’s diet. Unfortunately, this appetizer was tougher than my grandmother’s meatloaf. Maryland got the win, but only after rallying in the fourth quarter to force overtime and JMU missed an OT field goal. While I don’t know that it’s time for Maryland fans to hit the panic button just yet, another loss in the next couple of weeks and look for UM boosters to start sending truckloads of fried crabcakes to Friedgen’s door in an effort to bring the old coach back.

Terps Fans Will Take Whichever One Gets Them to the Best Bowl

And for my ray of freaking sunshine this week,

Welcome to the Party

Congratulations to Steve Sarkisian on getting not just his first career win as a head coach (42-23 over Idaho), but Washington’s first win since November 17, 2007. Much to the dismay of Seattle police. The Huskies’ 15-game losing streak was tied for the longest in Pac-10 history. We’ll check back Washington State week when the Huskies are going for two.

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Warren Moon: Never Give Up on Your Dream

In 2006, Warren Moon was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility, becoming the first African-American quarterback to be honored in Canton.

I never viewed Moon as anything but a great quarterback, and certainly never looked at him as a "black quarterback." In fact, I wore #12 in my youth league quarterbacking days in honor of my favorite player Randall Cunningham. To me, a great player was a great player. But to Warren Moon, this racial distinction was ever apparent.

With that distinction came many personal, emotional hardships that I or most HHR readers can never fully grasp. And while he comments several times that he never wanted to be remembered as such (a "black" quarterback), he spends most of the 250 pages of his autobiography, Never Give Up on Your Dream, reminding readers that he is a black quarterback.

Literally, nearly every page makes mention of this.

Granted, Moon clearly uses the book as a therapeutic devise to get things off of his chest that he's held in for decades. Unfortunately, some of his arguments about his race contradict other things that he points out in the text.

For instance, Moon notes that despite his high school success, he was never actively recruited as a quarterback by a major D-1 program. In the same breath he notes that his senior year he stood a Flutie-esq 5'11", 165 pounds. Not many big-time recruiters are looking to fill their QB position with someone of that stature.

When finally getting a shot at the University of Washington, he noted that the offense catered to his strengths, moving the pocket, rolling out. He found a fit where the program was willing to change to meet Warren Moon's desires, rather than he himself changing to meet those of the programs he was looking to lead.

Moon rolled the dice, signed with the CFL out of college - a league whose wide-open field and spread offense favored Moon's skill set. While he signed north of the boarder, an NFL team could still have drafted his rights, albeit as a gamble. Moon expresses shock that this didn't happen. Of the fourteen QBs drafted in 1978, Moon noted "It stunned me that I wasn't included in that group somewhere...Although I knew I wasn't going to get drafted, it was still a major shock when my name wasn't called." This statement doesn't even make sense and tells me Moon is either being disengenuous with him memoir or realy has a warped sense of reality - he had just signed a 3-year deal with Edmonton.

Moon notes at the time of the draft the difficulty of being a black quarterback, that most bolt to the CFL and others become wide outs or d-backs. Yet, Doug Williams of HBC Grambling was the first quarterback selected that year.

Truth be told, like Tim Tebow today, it was Moon's ability and skill set that befuddled pro scouts and coaches, as much as his skin color. Neither Tebow nor Moon are/were viewed as "pro-style" quarterbacks.

When Moon finally signed the richest contract in history to land in Houston, the entire offense was adapted to him, incorporating 4 wide receivers and a spread set hardly seen anywhere in the NFL.

The first 200 pages of Never Give Up... are really a recap of Moon's career, with very little revealed. By the time Moon gets around to talking about his missteps - his failed first marriage, domestic abuse accusations, DUIs - they are brushed over in a manner that seems Moon, while saying he accepts responsibility, more paints the incidents as misunderstandings for which he was wrongly characterized.

This isn't to say that the combination of his race and position weren't accompanied by bias or predjudices, but I question Moon's motives, both now and in his playing days. While Moon was always viewed as a person of high character and class, always managing to say the right things as a player, perhaps this was a carefully-calculated approach to not rock the boat and for self-perserverance. With his legacy now secured with a bronze bust in Canton, he is more at liberty to speak his mind on social issues still relevant in the League than he was prior to his enshrinement.

I feel this book was more written for Warren Moon himself, rather than the football fan/reader.

Super Bowl title or no Super Bowl title, Warren Moon was one of the best quarterbacks of his or any era. Few will ever be able to comprehend the added scrutiny that being a black quarterback presents. But Moon doesn't do readers any justice by helping them to understand. Few examples can be viewed as anything other than the author's personal assumption and/or speculation. He could have really pounded home some tangible examples with additional testimony from others in the picture. But rather, Moon internalizes and focuses on #1.

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The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 13

A Florida State football player wins a prestigious award—for academics. Notre Dame loses at home on Senior Day to an 8-loss Syracuse with a lame-duck coach. Guns n’ Roses releases a new album. All things that, ten years ago, we never thought we would see. Yet they all happened this weekend, showing that when you expect the unexpected, bad things sometimes happen. (Except the GNR album—much to my surprise, it’s actually pretty freakin’ good.)

1. Win One for Ty. Or Not.

Thanks to the brilliant foresight of FSN, the entire country was able to see last week’s Washington/Washington State game. Fortunately for them, there are enough people across the country who like watching train wrecks to make the game palatable. The Sporting News put it best, when they called the game “essential viewing of the most desperate sort, like watching two homeless men fight over the last can of Sterno in an alley. You'll hate yourself for watching it, you really will ... but you won't be able to look away, either.” Really, as bad as these teams are, was there really any way for it to be decided but a missed field goal in the second OT?

Secretly obtained photo of Washington special teams practice.

Washington still has one chance to save its season with a 12/7 game at California. Anyone want to take that bet?

2. Remember That Time When Notre Dame Was Relevant?

Early in the fourth quarter, Notre Dame led Syracuse by a score of 23-10. And then the epic choke began. Syracuse came back to win 24-23. So which is the worst part of this week’s loss for Notre Dame?

(A) The Domers had more penalty yards (50) than rushing yards (41)
(B) They had their first loss ever to a team with eight losses.
(C) The ND players were pelted with snowballs from their own “fans” (and I use that term very loosely)
(D) The Irish likely played themselves out of an invite to the Gator Bowl in sunny Orlando and into a trip to the Sun Bowl in El Paso.
(E) All of the above.

The Sun Bowl is nice, but it’s no Olive Garden Never-Ending Pasta Bowl

3. No Cupcakes on This Thanksgiving Table

Florida vs. The Citadel?!?!? What the hell?!?!?! This is the time of the year for turkey, dressing and enough desserts to make your coronary arteries beg for mercy. September is the month for cupcakes. Get it right, Gators.

Well, I guess there is one way to have both.

4. That’s Alright, That’s OK, You’ll Be Working for Him Someday

In a follow-up to a story we wrote about last week, Florida State safety Myron Rolle was one of 32 American students to be awarded a Rhodes Scholarship last Saturday. He received the word at 5:22 pm EST, had a police escort to the airport and were airborne at 6:15. Rolle made it to College Park, MD and, courtesy of another police escort, was at the stadium and suited up late in the second quarter. Florida State then rolled to a 37-3 victory.

Congrats to Mr. Rolle. It’s very rare that I get to use the phrases “bigtime college football player” and “police escort” in the same story and have it actually be something positive.


Rolle had an even better day than this guy.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 12

Coming up is some of the greatest football of the year. No, I don’t necessarily mean good football (although the Texas Tech/Oklahoma game this weekend could fit the bill, especially if you like lots of offense and five hour games). I mean rivalry week—that one time of the year when, no matter how lousy your team is this year, you can claim “you can throw the records out the window” and still talk smack about your least favorite opponent. And speaking of which . . .

1. The Cynic’s Game of the Year is Here

Every team has that group of fans who claim, “We don’t care if we go 1-11, as long as that one is against insert name of rival school here.” Well, Washington fans are going to get a chance to prove it. Exactly how bad do you have to be to be an 8 ½ point underdog at home to an 0-10 team with a lame-duck coach? That’s exactly the situation for the deplorable 1-9 Washington State Huskies as they enter this week’s game against Washington and Tyrone Willingham.

And courtesy of a really screwed up TV contract, the entire country (yes, that means you) will be subjected able to watch this piece of garbage epic rivalry game.

Even the most ardent Apple Cup fans will find this one hard to swallow.

2. I’d Hate to See What the Losers Get

As I write this, Ball State just defeated Central Michigan 31-24. The Cardinals are now two games away from an undefeated season. Their likely reward? The Motor City Bowl.

On the plus side, between the Lions and the US auto industry, this may be the closest Detroit gets to seeing a winner for a looooooong time.

GM is a 22 ½ point underdog. I’d still give the points.

3. No Pressure Here

If Utah wins this week’s game against BYU, they are a near lock for a BCS bowl game.

Lose, and they’re likely headed to the Poinsettia Bowl.

The difference in payout? $17 million vs. $750,000.

That whimpering sound you hear coming from Provo is Utah’s athletic director curled up in a ball under his desk.

4. Steve Kragthorpe is a Godless Heathen

Picking a fight when the other team jumps on or otherwise disrespects your team logo at midfield is one thing. Picking a fight because the other team holds a pre-game prayer at midfield? Whole different ballgame.

God bless those pagans.

5. Living and Dying on Tulsa Time

Earlier in the season, I was extolling the virtues of Tulsa’s seemingly unstoppable offense and pondering their potential as a BCS buster. Yeah, I kinda got ahead of myself there. Two weeks ago, the Golden Hurricane lost to Arkansas (no real shame in a CUSA team losing to an SEC team, even with the whole Gus Malzahn subplot). But then this week they go and lose by 40 to Houston. Sure, the offense put up 501 yards (and I did learn they have a WR named Slick Shelley.) But they also had five turnovers. And TU’s defense? Um, yeah. The Cougars were up 42-17 at half and scored TDs on their first three possessions of the second before Houston coach Kevin Sumlin took his foot off the pedal (the Cougars only scored one offensive TD in the last quarter-and-a-half).

So let’s examine the timeline:

2008: UH beats TU by 40.

1988: UH hangs 82 on Tulsa in an 82-28 win.

1968: UH sets an FBS record for points against a major college opponent with 100-3 win over Tulsa in 1968.

Note to self: go to Vegas in 2028 and bet the farm on Houston.

6. I’ll Take “Message Board Posts I Wish I’d Written” for $1000, Alex

Bad football can sometimes lead to some really good writing (this blog may or may not be an example of that). This week saw one of the most inspired pieces of sports message board writing I’ve seen in some time. A Baylor fan posted a note on a Texas A&M message board letting Aggie fans know how to act now that they have replaced the Bears at the bottom of the Big 12 South hierarchy (side note: how bad do you have to be when you’re getting smack talked by Baylor? Yeesh.)

At any rate, the message was quickly deleted by the Aggie board admins but, thanks to the miracle of Google cache, a Houston blogger was able to repost the guide to being in last place. This is some good, good stuff and could be useful for lots of your various smack talk needs over the next couple of weeks.

Chapter 3: How ‘bout that Aggie lacrosse team?

The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 6

You know it’s a strange year in college football when College Gameday is broadcasting from Vanderbilt. Fortunately, we’ve (finally!) got some good games coming up, with Oklahoma/Texas, LSU/Florida and Oklahoma State/Missouri leading the way. Still, there’s a lot of bad football being played, and here is your weekly commentary on some of it.

1. Bart Simpson for Yell Leader

Is there a team in America who has underachieved more than Texas A&M? I don’t mean just this year, I mean ever. Sure, this year is no bed of roses (2-3 record, a loss to Arkansas State, a near loss to Army and giving up three defensive and special teams TDs last week). But what has TAMU done historically? A&M hasn’t won a national title since 1939. They’ve had just two major award winners (John David Crow, 1957 Heisman, and Dat Nguyen, 1998 Lombardi and Bednarik). They have not won a bowl game since the creation of the Big 12 (their last bowl win was a 22-20 victory over Michigan in the 1995 Alamo Bowl). Since the days of Bear Bryant and Gene Stallings, the Aggies have won just eight conference championships since 1967, including three for Jackie Sherrill (1985-87) and four for R.C. Slocum (1991-93, 1998).

On paper, TAMU should be one of the nation’s dominant programs. Huge alumni and donor base. Massive recruiting hotbed. Respectable facilities. Rabid fan support. But while Aggie fans like to think of Texas and A&M as entries 1 and 1a in the state football hierarchy, nothing could be further from the truth. Even in good years. TAMU has slipped well behind Texas Tech as the second-best team in the state. And this year, I think that most would agree TCU has moved into the #3 spot with A&M battling the likes of Rice, Houston and Baylor for, at best, fourth place. Their only consolation is that North Texas is absolutely terrible and is occupying the cellar.

While we now know that there is no basement in the Alamo, if there was, the North Texas Mean Green would be there.

I’m not saying this to bash TAMU. I actually like the Aggies, in spite of some of their weird cultish, Kool-Aid drinking traditions. I say this because I think the 12th Man deserves better. While I can’t claim to know the recipe for the magic potion that would make A&M a national power, I do know that all the ingredients should be there.

2. Anyone Want Some Cheese?

Is it just me, or was there an inordinate of whining going on after games this week? Chase Daniel’s anonymous phantom spit allegations (put up or shut up, big boy). Rival Pac-10 coaches complaining about Pete Carroll violating NCAA rules about attending high school games (USC bend the rules? I’m shocked! Shocked, I say!) Jim Harbaugh complaining about the officiating in Stanford’s loss to Notre Dame (Although the game was at ND, it was a Pac-10 crew. And Lord knows they never make mistakes.) I guess, just like the Christmas shopping season, whining and excuses come earlier and earlier every year.


3. My Name is Earl, Football Style.

In some cases, however, criticizing the officials might be justified. (Credit for this find goes to The Wiz of Odds.) Fresno State was down 17 points to Hawaii, but was able to come back thanks in no small part to the help of 10 penalties for 82 yards on the Warriors, compared to zero penalties on the Bulldogs. But the clincher came in the first overtime, when Fresno State lined up for a field goal. You be the judge.



Look, we all know that kickers and punters taking a dive is nothing new. But getting a flag for something this bogus in such a key situation shouldn’t happen. Fortunately, the ball wide right.


4. When Television Contracts Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

I may be getting a little ahead of myself here, but I found this very interesting and disturbing. Apparently, Fox Sports Net is contractually obligated to carry the November 22 Apple Cup game between Washington and Washington State. While there’s a lot of football to be played between now and then, there is a very good chance that game could pit a 1-9 team against an 0-10 team. That’s some gooooood watchin’.


5. Defensive Coordinators Need Not Apply.

If you’re like me and enjoy a good hard-hitting defensive slugfest, then for the love of God, avoid Columbia, Missouri this weekend. Missouri and Oklahoma State rank #2 and #3 respectively in the nation in scoring offense, averaging 106 points per game between them. OSU is second in the nation in rushing offense; Mizzou is third in passing offense. MU’s Chase Daniel is the Heisman frontrunner and OSU’s Zac Robinson, while overshadowed by Daniel and Sam Bradford, has been as good of a QB as there is in the nation. While both teams’ defenses are not as bad as they are sometimes perceived, let’s be honest—their only job this weekend is to act as a speed bump. I have no idea what the Vegas line on this game is, but take the over.

6. What’s in the Water in Oklahoma?

And while we’re on the subject of Oklahoma State, does someone out there smarter than me have the answer to this question: prior to this year, has any state ever had three D-1A teams be undefeated this late in the season? As of right now, #1 Oklahoma, #17 Oklahoma State and inexplicably unrated Tulsa are all sitting at 5-0. While Oklahoma may not be so great at such things as household income, education or health care, the Sooner State has got this football thing down cold.

Throw the Flag: The Cynic’s Guide to College Football, Week 2

A late version of this week’s truths as, like many of you, I couldn’t bring myself to turn on my computer for fear that yet another of my fantasy football players would be injured. Anyway, on to this week’s trouble spots.

1. Ohio State—Taking the Easy Way Out

A week after feasting on in-state “rival” Youngstown State, the Buckeyes had another tune-up against in-state “team” Ohio Bobcats. You know, the ones playing with a backup QB who nobody knew his name because his afro covered up the name on his jersey. The ones who had five turnovers and yet were still leading by two with 14 minutes to go. Yeah, those Ohio Bobcats. Were the Buckeyes looking ahead to USC? Perhaps. Were they missing Beanie Wells (what kind of nickname is Beanie for a football player, anyway? Sounds more like a trust fund baby frat boy in the Ivy League)? Sure. But, dude, you’re still Ohio State. You shouldn’t be letting your little brothers hang around with you like that. It’s embarrassing for both of us. Take that game with you to LA this week and see how it works out for you. On the plus side, you won’t have to worry about getting whipped in the BCS title game by an SEC team again.

2. You Don’t Mess Around with Jim (or Mack)

Will someone please explain to me why some pissant little schools seem bound and determined to have themselves throttled into oblivion by the Texas Longhorns? Two weeks ago, Howard “water is for the weak” Schnellenberger decided it’d be a good idea to call Texas “soft” the week before his Florida Atlantic Owls took on the Horns. 52-10 later, Schnellenberger crawled back onto the team bus and, most likely, into a bottle. Then this week, Texas ventured to the wild environs of border town El Paso for a game against the UTEP Miners. Now let’s get this straight—you are UTEP. That’s University of Texas at El Paso. You are not in the same area code, social circle or tax bracket of the Longhorns. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, the Miners administration wasn’t content to call it Texas vs. UTEP. Nooooo, in all the pre-game hoopla coming out from their athletic department, UTEP insisted on referring to the tilt as “UTEP vs. UT Austin,” as if the game was some kind of meeting of equals. Little hint: it wasn’t (42-13).

Twisting your opponent’s name can be fun if you’re rivals or on a somewhat level playing field (Oklahoma fans like referring to the University of Texas as TU just to watch Horns’ fans faces turn Sooner crimson). But as the song says, “You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind.” And while I’m not saying Mack Brown is Superman (more like Robin to Bob Stoops’ Batman, although I don’t want to see either one in spandex), it’s still generally not wise to call down the thunder upon yourself.


3. This Just In: Bo Pelini is Not God

Let’s get one thing straight—the national media types don’t know the first thing about football fans. I mean, they’re the same ones who can use the words “Rutgers,” “football” and “tradition” in the same sentence without giggling. So when you hear some east coast media type saying, “Nebraska fans expect to win championships and win them now,” know that the closest he’s been to Nebraska is 30,000 feet and likely couldn’t find the place with an atlas, two energy bars and a corn detector (note to self: invent corn detector). Husker fans are some of the most knowledgeable ones out there—they’re not naïve enough to think that the Bill Callahan era can be undone in two games. Yes, they certainly want to get back to the championship level. But in 2008 what they want to see is hard work, coaching adjustments and improvement.

Well, two out of three ain’t bad. Most observers I’ve talked to say the effort is definitely there, with many mistakes coming as a result of being too aggressive (e.g. over pursuing a running play, late hit, etc.). And Lord knows the defensive coaching in Huskerland is a step or twelve up from last year. But the Huskers escape over San Jose St. (won 35-12.; Huskers led just 14-12 with 12:08 to go) was, to use the real estate parlance, “a unique fixer upper opportunity.” The Huskers had more penalty (103) than rushing yards (99) and were outyarded by San Jose St. 353 to 315. At one point, they had three consecutive false start penalties. Yes, the Cornhuskers took a step backward against San Jose State. I still think Bo will get the Huskers turned around and return them to their glory days. But Husker fans are going to have some patience with this team.

4. Rules are Rules and are Meant to be Broken. Or Something Like That.

Which is worse—bad rules in college football? Or fans who incessantly whine about the bad rules when a violation of one hurts their team? Much has been written about the excessive celebration penalty against Washington QB Jake Locker in the closing seconds of the Huskies’ loss to BYU. I won’t get into the sense (or lack thereof) of the NCAA’s excessive celebration rule. But it’s on the books—fans should know about it, Jake Locker should know about it and Ty Willingham should definitely know about it. So don’t whine about the rule or blame the refs who enforced it. Don’t make excuses like, “Oh, he just flipped it over his shoulder” (that ball had more hang time than some punts on Saturday). Just suck it up and point the finger where it belongs--blame your special teams who allowed the ensuing PAT to be blocked.

Here’s hoping for a better Week 3. But I’m not holding my breath.