Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Game On: Iron Ref - Fired Up

The second round of HHR's Iron Ref is on.

Click here for a look at this week's competitors and an overview of the contest. CAST YOUR VOTE IN THE COMMENTS.

Voting will be tallied 5 PM EST on Thursday. Remember, winners will return to compete for the title of Iron Ref. If you are interested in competing, drop us a line.

This round's secret ingredient:



Some people enjoy spicy food every now and then. Australian stuntman Andrew Hajinikitas laughs in their faces when he cuts out the middle man and simply eats fire. Three years ago, he set a Guinness record on live TV when he drank two whole bottles of Tabasco sauce. This was not long after eating seven jalapeno peppers in less than one minute, still one whole pepper short of the record. Two bottles of Tabasco sauce contain just four ounces of the capsaicin-laden condiment but had you or I attempted to down it, our tear ducts would have cried a million tears and our insides would have melted from the wicked heat. Not Andrew. His intestines are lined with asbestos and his asshole is made of pure steel. His mind is focused on its piquant purpose and his golden throat wouldn't settle for anything less than the best. Forgive me for taking this Iron Ref challenge too literally, but name one professional linebacker or third baseman or defenceman who could down 120 milliliters or pure unadulterated heat without breaking a sweat and I'll show you one pasty-faced Aussie who eats habaneros for breakfast and wipes his ass with poblano peppers..


People typically assume being FIRED UP is a good thing in sports. But what does it really mean? Does it mean that you're Kevin Garnett, running around, yelling things, pounding your chest, and choking pretty profusely for 98% of the playoffs? Does it mean that you're a former Mariners manager going off on a profane rant? Well, I guess it could mean those things. If you're a communist. But being FIRED UP can be a good thing if you take a non-traditional approach to how you view it. To me, being FIRED UP means not being afraid to let yourself go. Let yourself be who you are. Let yourself free..in a wave of salty, bodily-produced, watery goodness.

Look at Mike Schmidt. If I may channel Frank Caliendo's shitty John Madden impression, "Now here's a guy who knew how to play baseball." And what did he do when he had to retire? Cry like a little girl whose brother put a cherry bomb in her Barbie dreamhouse.

Or what about legendary bald Canadian Mark Messier? Here he is getting FIRED UP!...and immediately dousing that fire with a stream of douche-chill inducing tears. Skip to like 2:30 in...

And you don't get more FIRED UP than in the manly sport of football. Shoulder pads crash against each other as titans of the turf fight for superiority. Every inch magnified, every play scrutinized. So one needn't be surprised that kind-of-mediocre-yet-inexplicably-revered coach Dick Vermeil occasionally liked to give a podium a bath.

Mainstream America would lead you to believe that intensity is important to masculinity. That being FIRED UP makes you a man. But if that's the case, why don't we revere drunken White trash husbands who slug their wife after a case of Natty Lights? Or applaud the Crip denizens of Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles who shoot someone after their Pumas are smudged? Or Hitler when he...uh...told his funny jokes? Because being FIRED UP in an aggressive way is only acceptable when it's convenient for you, mainstream media.

These heroes in the not-at-all homoerotic world of sports prove that our masculinity is in our ability to leak fluids from our ocular cavities. That type of being FIRED UP never hurt anything but the pride of the person tearing up. And that it's why you should all aspire to be like these juggernauts of the Kleenex world.

On Monday, June 16, the Mariners fired general manager Bill Bavasi. The beleaguered GM then vented his frustration the only way he knew how – through rap. He is currently in the studio recording his new song, "Fired Up," and the lyrics to the song can be found below.

Fired Up
Lyrics by "Big" Billy Bavasi

They said I was on the hot seat
But I can stand the heat
Last year we won 88
So the prez decided to wait
Before deciding my fate

This season started all wrong
And I ain't got no gold thong
The boss needed a goat
And that was all she wrote
He set Big Billy afloat

You know I'm all fired up
Ever since I got the hook
Big Billy gonna rise up
And get a second look

Now the team is in flames
Bedard won't go deep in games
He's just pitchin' for the dough
Like a $7 million ho
Gives six innings and then no mo'

Richie Sexson can't hit
He was an all-star but now he ain't sh*t
Beltre flashes the glove
But when push comes to shove
His bat offers no love

I'm down with OBP
Yeah, you know me
But Vidro's numbers are down
Got me run out of town
Made me feel like a clown

You know I'm all fired up
Ever since I got the hook
Big Billy gonna rise up
And get a second look

Now I'm plannin' a comeback
Wanna take another crack
At building a team
That rises like cream
Because a man has to dream

Gonna go to the Big Apple
Or if I'm craving scrapple
I'll take my act to Philly
Where the fans can be chilly
But they'll warm to Big Billy.

Good Lord, I have no idea how you choose between these very different and eclectic takes on this week's theme, but choose you must. Cast your vote in the comments.


Dewey Hammond said...

Despite his hyperbole, apology, and an embedded video lasting more than 11 seconds (typically my attention span), my vote goes to Rob.

World of Isaac said...


Russianator said...

I've got to go with Rob, thanks to this line: "His intestines are lined with asbestos and his asshole is made of pure steel."

LadyAndrea said...

Gotta go with Robbie.

Alejandro said...

Coley "C-Ward" Ward

Andrew said...

Rock you like a Coley Ward.

Suz Tolwinski said...

C Ward-- most inventive, and witty without having to refer to Hitler or ass-wiping.

The Sports Muffin said...

Wow - Rob set the bar pretty high. I wasn't feeling Chris's, until he said "douche-chills." And Coley - how can you not like the rap.

It was a tough one, but I'm going with Rob in a decisive decision.

DMtShooter said...

Rob, for giving me something to hurt my co-workers with.

Jim said...


Kiko said...

Gotta go with the rapper. Who knew a kid named Coley had rhymes? I bet he went to a small private school somewhere in New England, too.

Hugging Harold Reynolds said...

Left in Bios comments:

Sam has left a new comment on your post "Iron Ref, Round 2 - Fired Up":

Coley Ward. It was an easy vote; he is an absolute stud and writes with authority. It is unfortunate that the competition could not even enter into his ballpark. By the way, I could really use a ride into work...

meech.one said...

I say if you can't even place your vote in the proper comment box, it's null and void.

I vote for Rob even though defenseman looks retarded when spelled with a 'c'

Camp Tiger Claw said...

I'm voting for Rob because we write a blog together 8======D

Sarah said...

I have to go with Coley. "I'm down with OBP/Yeah you know me" is my new catchphrase.

Dewey Hammond said...

"It was a tough one, but I'm going with Rob in a decisive decision."

Big ups to the Muffin and Shadow Machado!

Dewey Hammond said...

"Who knew a kid named Coley had rhymes?"

Coley Cole. Check him out. Santa Cruz rapper. Find the track, "The Eternal Curse (Money)" -- Cole spits. Sick beat, too; some fresh Cali indie shiite.

Alex said...

Coley for being the baddest bald guy in the room.

Sean said...

Rappin Coley Ward!

BOHChris said...

Clearly Jim is the smartest man in the room. The rest of you: Communists.

Kim Smith said...

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