Monday, July 14, 2008

The winner of the 2008 Home Run Derby is....

Ryan Braun.

How do I know? Because of my impatience. I hate waiting for anything. I got tired of ESPN and First Take reminding me 13,000 times this morning that the derby is tonight, in between segments of 1st and Ten with Skip Bayless debating rapper Nelly (I wish that was a joke). Jacobsen telling me to vote for who I think was going to win was pissing me off to no end. I wish ESPN would put up a meaningful poll like 'which ESPN personality will be the next to have a blog named after them.' (Smart money is on Van Pelt Hunter)

Does anyone under the age of 8 give a crap about the outcome of the home run derby? The only people interested are fans of the eight players involved only because they hope it doesn't ruin their swing for the rest of the season. I don't give a crap to vote or even watch so I decided to take matters into my own chubby hands and do an experiment that has just about as much chance of predicting a winner as any ESPN poll.

I played out the derby on MLB 2008. Braun wins over Berkman by launching 12 homeruns in the final round. Here are some other predictions I am making based on my simulation, ESPN's predictability and derbys from years past.

- Corey Hart's daughter and the kid drinking at the Cubs game are going to get TANKED and make some really bad decisions. He will never call her after tonight.
- The derby will last much longer then my 20 minute contest. One of Berman's stories and homerun calls will last even longer.
- Joe Morgan will remind us he once won the homerun derby and invented the periodical chart of the elements
- John Sterling and Suze Waldman will STILL get the homerun calls wrong.
- Someone will swing and miss because the cat jumped from the top of the couch onto his nuts
- Someone in the crowd will say the F word.
- Kenny Mayne will do something silly. That rapscallion.
- Someone in the crowd will say the F' word in Italian.
- 329- Number of MSM articles on Weds that will talk about how terrible Yankee Staduim is to visit.
- 52,000- Average attendence for a Yankee home game and the avergae number of people who already fucking knew that.
- 98- number of bloggers in attendence.
- 98- number of bloggers in attendence who are wasted and reak of beer and weed. (Hide Corey Hart's daughter)
- Josh Hamilton will celebrate a long homerun by pretending to sniff the first base line.

See, you aren't going to miss much. Go out and get hammered and make it home in time for the celebrity softball game.

1 comment:

Eric said...

1) while clever, joe morgan has absolutely NO idea what the periodic table of elements is

2) the hamilton joke was borderline below the belt (i liked it)