Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Pregaming with Craigslist: World Series Game 1

You want to go to the first game of the world series? Well, you are going to need tickets. Sure StubHub could offer you tickets at ridiculously inflated prices. And since you are in St. Pete, you might as well try and drum up a date for the night with ridiculously inflated... ummm, 'tracks of land.' But that would require two different websites, and hiding two different unexplainable expenses from your loved one. Like manna from heaven, craigslist is there for you. Craigslist - for those too lazy to use Stubhub and Adultfriendfinder separately.

I need 3 Rays Phillies tickets-GOOD SEATS ONLY
This is like saying, "I would be willing to kiss a woman for the first time - but ONLY IF SHE'S A SUPERMODEL." If I may relate a personal anecdote: I have a friend Jimbo who blacked out one night and managed to hook up with a slightly tipsy and undeniably out-of-everyone's-league gourmet college cheerleader. The best part is, he patently refuses to go back to the kinds of girls he used to get, even though he has no recollection of the event, and heard about it second hand from his friends. The kid is on a strict self-imposed hot chicks only regimen. The real victims here are, of course, the hot chicks.

TRADE DIAMONDS ,GOLD , JEWELRY 4-2 GAME 2
This sounds like a bad country song. Maybe the best way to go is to ask for payment in gold bouillon. Because if they say yes, they are definitely a Bond villain. So that's kind of cool.

WANT RAYS TICKETS TO GAME 2, WILL TRADE BUCS CLUB SEATS
This person is willing to opt out of seeing the first game of the Rays' first World Series for the likes of Ike Hilliard, Jeff Garcia, and Joey Galloway. Granted, club seats are nice - but you can't polish a turd, you know? Even if you don't have Bucs Club Seats, consider offering this person front row seats and a backstage pass to your friend's new band. He might bite.

Watch Tampa Win...Watch me perform on Cam (Free!)...at the same time!
While both are free, it comes at the steep price of your dignity and the ability to unsee what you just saw. The best part? "Please be a woman and have a cam (or willing to talk on phone). I don't have time to play games trying to guess if you are a male pretending to be a female." Let me second this sentiment - if someone is going to be sticking an eggplant up their butt, the least you could do is show some respect for their time, and not be weird.

Last attempt for tickets
Pretty sure this is a suicide threat/note.

2 upper Deck Tickets Tonight!
I wrote an ad just like this once, but craigslist made me put it in the 'casual encounters' section. I'm not sure why. Like this person, I was selling tickets to anyone who wanted to watch me drop a deuce in the top shelf of my neighbor's toilet. Huh. Maybe it's world-series themed? Who knows. Anyway, my neighbor is out of town, so I also have two tickets. Call me!

Travis Tritt 10/24/2008, 8:00 PM
Guarenteed bad country songs!

TRADE OR I WILL PURCHASE 2 LOWERS NOW , GAME 1, PLEASE CALL
Well this is definitely a threat. I can see the S.W.A.T. Team negotiator now: "DON'T DO IT. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PURCHASE THOSE TWO LOWERS. I KNOW THINGS ARE NOT GOING YOUR WAY.... BUT I PROMISE THERE IS A WAY OUT... WE CAN FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TOGETHER. MAYBE BOX SEATS FOR A POTENTIAL GAME 7. HOW ABOUT BUCS CLUB SEATS? OK! OK! JUST KIDDING, PLEASE STEP BACK FROM THE LEDGE! UMMM... DO YOU LIKE TRAVIS TRITT???" (craigslister jumps). Aaaaaaand.... Scene.

PAMPER YOURSELF in the WHITNEY BANK CLUB
As I mentioned last time, I am unfortunately a member of the Whitney Bank Club. She who loved me hard and broke me harder. At first I thought this was some kind of spa or luxury post for other scorned men going to the game, but now I realize it's a Public Service Announcement. You see, many of us have been reduced to slobbering, incoherent psychological basketcases. Maybe it was from aggressive public fornication at travelling circuses, or perhaps a result of waking up in a different gutter every night wondering how you crossed so many timezone's in a single evening. But one thing that suffers from the repeated waves of adrenaline, ecstasy, and eventual withdrawal is a man's continence. So if you are going to watch the World Series and get excited - do the right thing and put on some pampers.

And what about Philadelphia? What are the classy people in the city of Brotherly Love doing?

WILL TRADE SEX FOR PHILLIES TICKETS


Enjoy the game, everybody.

1 comment:

Bazooka Jones said...

I swear, I think the stars of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia wrote that Philly one. That's all I can think of reading that.

'Wanted: Cool dudes to hang out in our party house, no homo.
Guys in good Shape preferred.
Again, No homo.'